I wanted to share this with you
Added 2022-03-31 22:35:03 +0000 UTCHey everyone! I have to give it to you straight, I’m not doing well. March especially has been nothing but me falling deeper and deeper in depression. Since the flood, I felt ashamed I couldn’t get back things together the way they were. There are a number of reasons for that, but let’s just say it took me a lot of effort and time to build a workplace friendly to my brain. Losing that has made me lose all my marks. I’ve suffered from extreme paranoia all my life, but you can imagine this kind of event only destroys further any sense of security.
So I want to become transparent with you, this time not just with what I do but with who I am.
I struggle on a daily basis to start a task, stay focused on it and get out of it once I’m focused. My motivation comes from finding new things and experimenting with them. I love my job, I really do, who wouldn’t? I get to create all I want all day and most of my clients are chill people only wanting to share their cool ideas with me. So what gives?
While it might seem like I have no problem working hard and focusing, often ignoring everything around me, it’s actually part of the issue. Once I finally gained momentum, once something really stimulates me, I can’t let it go. Even if it’s not the priority, even it shouldn’t require this much attention. Pacing myself is extremely hard. On top of that I feel like I’m constantly lost in my thought with no means of getting back to reality’s demands.
In March of this year, I came to the realisation, like many of you reading this, that it could all be ADHD. It took a bit of time to process, it came from friends diagnosed with the same condition, from hundreds of online tests, from overwhelming evidences in all my school reports. A lot of misconception about what it was had to be debunked, especially from tv shows. I’m still learning about it today, but what I learned so far gave me two hopes : First, being vindicated from a life of constant struggle and bullying. Second, that it can be helped. If you’re interested on the matter and don’t know much about the condition, I’ve written a document on the matter linked below.
The main reason why I’m falling into depression now isn’t because I’m seeing myself as someone with ADHD. It’s the actual opposite, it’s because I’ve internalised never to complain, never to be weird. All my life I’ve been taught that my behaviour was a result of my twisted moral, that I just didn’t care enough. So now that I’m being presented with the opposite truth, there’s a clash in my brain. One side filled with anger at others for treating me like I’m just a bad person, myself included. The other side still clinging on to the fear of being humiliated and bullied for holding such foolish hopes about my decadent self.
Depression is preventing me to function normally. A combination of not being in a familiar environment, losing repeatedly my sense of security (Ex. Covid, husband's burnout, 4m tall 3 days long flood, close friends ghosting me after messy breakup, today strangers peeping inside the house suspiciously, etc.) and discovering I’ve been toxic to myself to accommodate others has forced my brain to boycott any attempts at repressing or keeping my behaviour in check. So it’s been a hard unproductive month of me basically crying, doomscrolling, not sleeping, not waking up, not listening, not communicating, overeating, losing track of time, staring desperately at my canvas with nothing happening up there whatsoever, etc.
As much as I want to apologise for this, I feel like it’s just an attempt at delaying your disappointment. I feel like a fraud and I don’t want to be. But I am lying to myself when I think my struggle isn't valid. Because once I accept it, I can seek help, potentially returning better and who knows, a god damn production boss that doesn’t need to pile up stress and anxiety to get shit done. All jokes aside, I know my past is holding me back, I’ve been hardwired to see myself as a bad person and that sort of attitude generates immense guilt for the slightest misstep, resulting in falling off routines that were working fine even with the occasional oopsies.
So am I seeking help? Yes, actually! A few days ago I was supposed to see for the first time my neuro-psychologist to take some test and confirm my condition. It’s important because, while I’m sure I demonstrate all ADHD symptoms (scroll down to know more), it could be that and/or something else. To get helped correctly I need to know exactly what type of brain I’m dealing with. I said supposed, because she postponed to an unknown date last minute and threw me in a panic attack all day. So... yes. Not starting well March nor finishing it well. Hm. But April is near! It’s my birthday soon, surely I’ll get my appointment in order and have a clear idea of what to do with myself. Hopefully.
But in the meantime I don’t plan on halting my work. I know many people are screaming that I’m burning myself out, that I should rest and all. They’re not wrong, far from it. But I can’t forfeit that, not after being slowed down so much by the flood (I can’t help but sounding like I’m saying “Not since... The Incident.” like it’s a mystery novel, I’m sorry). There are a few excuses I could and will list to make you drop it :
- I can’t physically relax, my brain will think about problems whether I like it or not.
- I feel worthless when I don’t work. Toxic, I know, but I don’t know how to cope with that until I can talk to a therapist.
- Momentum is hard to build for me, if I go full stop there I might never get it back.
- Disappointing people again will only destroy my self-worth further.
But what do I do, I’m incapable of functioning right now. My only hope is that sharing this letter with you will help me getting over the immense guilt that is killing any attempts I’m trying to make to work, not to mention the pleasure I could take from it. At the moment, I feel so miserable I can’t imagine anything I can do to compensate for the constant failure I’ve been to you, all I’m inclined to do is pretend I don’t exist. But if you were to tell me that I’m not a lost cause, even for a moment, I’d believe you.
Even if it’s out of order, that I can’t make myself understand the priorities in which I should do things. If I can get to work on where inspiration comes, I might build back the momentum to get me out of this self deprecating spiral. Things don't have to look bleak, we can live more and more back in our house, I'll get to see my friends more, maybe conventions will resume? That would be cool. Long story short, I remain optimistic.
If you believe in me, please let me know. It’s a short moment of lucidity and vulnerability I’m taking advantage of, it will go away, I will try to delete this post in panic.
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What I've come to understand of ADHD (OPTIONAL) (Also it's a link, also make sure to open this on computer or to view it in computer mode otherwise notion will try to make you subscribe)
(Also, Incubus Realms April's fools update is delayed (but I picked that day on purpose as a failsafe :p) Consider the new one on May 1st. I'm still sorry.)
Comments
Thank you for comforting me things are going uphill <3 I too want to believe it's going for a better, I'm an optimist and idealist at heart. It helps me to hear it from others because lately my own words are muffled by the negative thoughts. I also appreciate that people are so encouraged by the fact I'm taking this head on. I was worried people would think I'm just letting myself fall apart and leave me to rot. I'm glad they are rooting for me. It's part of the problem, part of the solution, I've always seen the bright side, but often misunderstood the dark one. It led me to believe I had not rights to be sad, to be damaged in any capacity, just because I was capable of being optimistic; but optimism led me to a self-righteous mindset where I thought I could only help others without ever the need to ask for help myself. I was wrong. I doubted of my humanity many times, thinking I lacked the sensitivity to feel what depression was, or that perhaps my life never met any significant struggle for me to complain. I couldn't relate to those who suffered, only empathise. I realise now I was scared to be rejected again. Rejected all my life, asking for help only to be rejected again. I remembered, I did ask for help, many times when I was younger, but to no avail. So I just stopped and internalised I was just not allowed to complain. I thought that if I could still breathe and obey, I was not depressed, it was just a desire to have people's attention. The feelings that I had were irrelevant to the people around me, so I dismissed the feelings and started dissociating myself from life. Today, I finally allow myself to be depressed and to ask for help. But I feel it's a shame I had to wait until my body refused to obey, until I hated myself so much I couldn't exist. My dissociation with the rest of people made me incapable of accepting I could claim the same rights for help unless I had overwhelming symptoms. I apologise to myself for waiting I'd fall apart to ring the bell. I just couldn't without something tangible... It felt like my credibility was absent, no one would listen so I might as well have shut up. All of that rambling to say I'm happy my empathy for others kept me going to help them out, even to the detriment of my own life. It allowed me to train my compassion and understanding until I could apply it to myself. Funnily enough, it's when I realised I was being a hypocrite, telling everyone the right thing to do, but never doing it myself, that I turned against myself (in a good way, well it still led to deep depression, but that's what happens when you re-open such an old wound that never healed.)
Ghuraok
2022-04-05 22:04:02 +0000 UTCnobody should feel guilty for a mental or emotive condition and you definitely have nothing to reproach yourself, considering the high quality work you always put out. Brains are a strange thing... but you have plenty to look forward to: you have a better grasp of what was holding you back, you have made the huge step of seeking help, your immediate surroundings are creeping back to normality: far from me to tell you how you should feel, but I believe that things are on the rise -and that because of you and what you did. You are more powerful than you think!
LukaM
2022-04-05 17:26:51 +0000 UTC
