Darkest Before Dawn - 119

Chapter 119

‘Feels like it’s been a while,’ he thinks to himself, rubbing the back of his hand over his sore, probably split lip. ‘God, do I need to do this more often though,’ he thinks, a somewhat pained grimace turning into a grin as he regards his opponents, Chikuchi, Neito and Toru.

A second later, he’s already on the second, taking a kick from the former and trying to keep the invisible third somewhere he can “see” her.

Quirkless sparring was always going to be part of his training routines, no matter how much some people thought it was unnecessary. For one, it’d been something that had been literally beaten into him while in juvie, where he couldn’t really use his Quirk much, if at all. For another, Hina had done a good job driving home that knowing how to throw a normal punch could be useful.

Kazuki was adding the fact that it seemed to be cathartic to the list, he decided.

Because there was something… freeing about landing a solid punch on something, preferably someone. Did that make him a bad person? He didn’t know, but it wasn’t like he wasn’t getting as good as he gave. Besides, he was getting second-hand pain from every hit too, so he didn’t think it was unfair. He didn’t enjoy the pain in either way, at all, but it was… It woke him up, dislodged his mind from thoughts and heavy emotions. Pain was bad, but it was also… simple.

Sadness had a way of bringing awful memories.

Anger had a way of bringing thoughts to the forefront.

Boredom had a way of distracting him, discouraging him.

Pain did nothing other than hurt, and that was both good and bad. Bad because it was likely the most jarring, crippling emotion he could feel. Good, however, because when it wasn’t overwhelming, it drove away everything else. It even worked against other sources of pain.

So, Kazuki was finding that smacking others and getting smacked around was kind of… liberating. He wasn’t sad about the change on the school trip. He wasn’t nervous about the party Momo had dragged him into. He wasn’t worrying about the meeting the club was organizing.

He was just sparring against his friends and nothing else.

“... I give?” Chikuchi said eventually, and Kazuki looked at her. She was a little roughed up, but not as bad as Neito, who was lying on the ground by his side. He wasn’t too sure about Toru, really, on account of her being invisible, but she certainly felt in pain enough to be, where she was lying on the ground with her foot up in his grip.

“Still got it,” he said, letting go of his friend and earning a whine in response. “Sorry if I went a little overboard,” he added, rolling his shoulder before starting to stretch his sore limbs a little.

“Those practice weapons can’t come soon enough,” he heard Chikuchi mumble before she moved to Neito’s side. “You need any help?” she asked, poking the guy’s side with her foot. “Hagakure?”

“I need help gathering the remnants of my dignity,” the invisible girl answered with another whine. “Other than that, I’m fine.”

“Same,” Neito muttered, pushing himself off the ground and groaning. “And you’re not wrong. I suddenly find myself a lot more appreciative of non-Quirk options in a fight… again.”

“That’s the spirit. Melissa will like to hear that,” Kazuki said with a half-smile. “Come on,” he added, offering his hand for Toru to grab and helping her up. “Break time?”

“You bet,” she mumbled, slumping a little before moving to the side to put her normal clothes back on over her hero costume. “I’m gonna get myself a bottle of water and sulk, if it’s all the same to you.”

“See you later,” he replied with a smile, waving at her. That got him more grumbling, but it was all half-hearted at best and he could tell. “You guys-?”

“Not even if you paid me, Boss,” Chikuchi answered before he could finish, which was just rude. “Right now, I just wanna do some nice and calm Quirk training… and then go die somewhere, preferably on a bench.”

“What she said,” Neito added. “You can fight Kendo if you really want to,” he suggested and he paused to consider that. “You absolute madman,” the blonde added, apparently horrified by the fact that he might actually go for it.

“What? She’s great at Quirkless combat. Pretty sure she’s the only one that can consistently kick my ass,” he added. There were a few more, like Ojiro, but those fights were more even. Kendo stood above all of them as a master of Quirkless combat. No surprises there though, considering her family owned a dojo and all. Besides, her Quirk didn’t do a lot to change or get in the way of her fighting style like it could happen with others. “She’s the best option if I wanna get better,” Kazuki said with a shrug.

“You know what, whatever, go for it,” Neito said, waving him off. “Shield better appreciate our sacrifice though,” he added under his breath, getting an agreeing sound from Chikuchi.

Melissa had, indeed, asked them to pick up Quirkless fighting. She’d sent them some ideas she had for Support Equipment. On account of Kazuki and Neito not really being able to benefit much from equipment at all and Mei having covered Chikuchi’s – and to a lesser extent Neito’s – needs, she’d gone on a different route. Melissa was working on Support Equipment that didn’t need their Quirks. Quirkless Equipment, as it were.

Kazuki could say that he hadn’t seen that coming, especially with how restrictive their costumes were in terms of what they could use. However, Melissa was nothing if not determined and she’d found a way around the issue. A very ingenious one, actually. They had to respect that, actually, and that was part of the reason why he was training in Quirkless combat, because it would be necessary for him to better make use of the equipment the girl was gonna be making for him.

As for Neito and Chikuchi, Mei was working on simpler, practice versions of what Melissa had in mind so that they could work on that in the meantime. It’d take a bit for them to get the money for the equipment to be made, but they had hopes on that front. Worse came to worst, she might have to share their existing budget with Mei, which was less than ideal for everyone involved, especially the two tinkerers.

“Itsuka!” he called, shaking off those thoughts and focusing on his own training. “You up for a spar?”

“Quirkless?” the girl asked.

“Of course.”

“Then sure.”

[}-o-{]

“It’s good to see you in a better mood,” Inui commented and Kazuki shrugged.

“Letting out frustrations helped, I guess,” he said, not even having to lie. “Good old-fashioned Quirkless sparring is great for that,” he added, leaning back with a weary smile on his face. He was exhausted and his everything hurt, but other than that, he was feeling fairly… light. “Everything hurts too much for me to feel bad about anything else, so that helps.”

“Hm,” Inui said and it occurred to Kazuki that maybe his pain approach wasn’t the best thing to share with the man or his guardians. He had a feeling that they’d be concerned about that, no matter how much he insisted that his perception of such stuff was kind of skewed because of his Quirk. Hell, they might be more concerned if he said that. “Don’t rely too much on pain, Kazuki,” the man said and he blinked. “It can be tempting, but that leads only down one path and nobody wants that for you.”

He didn’t reply to that, but he really wanted to. What did he want from him? What did they want from him? He couldn’t avoid negative emotions. He couldn’t not feel pain or anger or boredom or sadness. No matter how much he tried, there’d always be someone feeling bad within his range. It was inescapable.

“There’s a difference between choosing something and not,” Inui said, as if he were able to read his mind. Kazuki wondered about that, sometimes. “You know there’s a difference, so don’t insult yourself thinking differently.”

“You make it sound easy,” Kazuki said with a smile that he didn’t mean at all. “It’s not.”

“Important things in life tend not to be,” Inui replied and he’d have laughed if he weren’t so… sad about that. Because it was true, but it was also true that life seemed to be particularly hard for him more often than not. Had he done something to be cursed the way he was? Had he been some kind of mega villain in his past life?

“I know that,” was all he said, looking away from the counselor and out the window to his side. “Sometimes it’s nice to make everything shut up for a bit.”

“Aizawa-”

“I asked him already,” Kazuki interrupted with a bitter smile. “Doesn’t do much when the emotions actually come from me rather than my Quirk,” he explained. “I’m tired and disappointed and… I am all of those things,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s not all on the Quirk for once.”

“And we’ve talked about how you can deal with those feelings, haven’t we?”

They had, indeed. It was just that… They just wouldn’t go away. He had to “process” them, but he wasn’t even sure what that even meant. If Inui was right and he was doing whatever that was as he should, then it sucked. It was just a lot of time feeling horrible and he just… he was tired of that. He just wanted all of that to go away. The worst part of it all was that…

“I just… wonder if there’s an end to this, you know?” he commented before turning towards Inui with a sigh and a helpless shrug. “I think the trip change was especially depressing because… I thought it’d be my break. A moment to relax and rest for a bit from all I’ve been doing. No training or studying or working or… Anything else. Just me having fun and doing nothing, enjoying what I’ve gotten, friends and a life and…” he trailed off, feeling like he was just spouting words and not making any sense. “And now I won’t have that. It’ll just be effort and… more effort afterwards when we get back.”

And wasn’t that depressing? It brought questions to Kazuki’s mind, questions that he didn’t have answers for no matter how hard he looked. No matter how evident answers might seem, they just looked like empty promises then and there.

“Makes me wonder if this is going to be my life, working and then working more, never quite reaching what I want to.”

“I thought you’d realized that those weren’t dreams anymore, Kazuki,” Inui said and Kazuki smiled at the hint of worry he felt in the counselor. A rare show of emotion that he appreciated, even in the mood he was in. Sometimes going to Inui’s office was a bit of a risk, he realized, because it made him face thoughts that were often at the back of his head and he had to drag them all the way to the forefront, where they hurt more.

“I did,” he agreed with a nod before shrugging. “When’s that going to happen though?” he asked, giving voice to a question that had plagued his mind those days. Never quite that big a deal until that moment when he really considered it. “When I graduate? Five years from now? Ten? Twenty?” he continued, feeling every word like they were adding weight on his shoulders. “I don’t know if I can work all the way there, Inui. I’m already tired right now. I don’t know if I’ll make it to the end of the school year, let alone that far. I’ll try anyway, don’t get me wrong. I just…”

“I understand, I do,” Inui said. Funnily, he believed the man. Understanding would do nothing for him in this regard though. “Everything will be alright, Kazuki. If you trust me at all, trust me on this,” he added and Kazuki scrutinized him to the best of his ability. Other times, he might have felt bad for doubting a man that had given him no reasons to do so.

Then and there though, in regards to what they were talking about, he couldn’t help but hesitate.

Yet, he was glad to sense nothing but concern from the man.

“I hope you’re right, Inui,” he said wearily. “I really do.”

[}-o-{]

“Everything alright?” Toru asked, sitting next to him. Momo and Minoru, meanwhile, were waiting for their order to be ready to bring to their table. “You’ve looked a little down since we left Inui’s.”

“Yeah, I just… I guess I haven’t been feeling great lately, that’s all. I’ll get better,” he answered, taking a deep breath in and then letting it out slowly. He hoped that was true, at least. “What about you, everything alright?”

“Yep,” she replied and she sounded and felt – at least as far as he could tell – like she was feeling well. He was happy to know that. “I think I could stop going for now, but… I feel like that’d make it harder to go back if I need it. Does that make any sense?”

“I think so?” he mused, leaning back and considering that for a moment. “I mean, I’ve definitely gone to visit him even when I didn’t need to. Feels like a good practice, all things considered. Besides, he might notice issues that I don’t, so there’s that too.”

“Right,” Toru replied and he was relatively sure that she was beaming at him. “I felt like maybe I was wasting his time,” she added, tugging at her sleeves a little bit. To that, he chuckled. “Hey, I’m being serious here.”

“Feels like something you should discuss with him, don’t you think?” he pointed out and the girl paused, a bit of embarrassment growing in her. It was fine. Sometimes it was hard to spot issues unless someone pointed it out. “That’s what I’m talking about. Sometimes you don’t even realize you have something you need help with.”

“Fair enough,” Toru mumbled, her posture shifting and her emotions taking a dive that had him looking for something to say. “I’m such a mess.”

“You’re fine. I know a thing or two about messes.”

“No, I-” she started, some frustration bleeding into her emotions as she groaned. “That’s kind of the point. I have it a lot easier than people like you, so talking like my problems are-”

“Problems are problems,” he reassured before she could continue. He knew where she was going and he’d rather not let her dwell on that longer than absolutely necessary. “It’s not a competition, Toru. You’re allowed to want to feel better even when there’s people that have it worse.”

“If you say so,” she mumbled, still fidgeting with the sleeves of her uniform.

“I do,” he insisted with a smile.

“You do what?” Minoru asked, joining them at their table and placing a tray over it. Momo did much the same a moment later. “What’d we miss?” the vertically challenged boy asked, reaching for his drink on the tray.

“Just reassuring Toru about something,” Kazuki replied evasively. Fortunately, his friends were good enough to read between the lines and not ask further questions. He was grateful for that, even if Momo worried way too much. “Did Kyoka send anything to you, guys?”

“She said she’ll wait for us at the store, should be done in an hour or so,” Momo answered and he nodded. Their musically inclined friend had gotten a call from her father and had to go help at their store to move some stuff. They’d offered to go with her, but she apparently wanted some extra pocket change, so she’d tackle that on her own for it.

“That works,” Kazuki mumbled, taking a sip from his smoothie and smiling. Food had a way of cheering him up, if only momentarily. “We can finish here and pick up my violin after,” he added as he took a bite from his food. “Not sure if you guys wanna go somewhere else?”

“I don’t,” Minoru answered with his mouth full before humming appreciatively. Momo, next to him, looked at the boy disapprovingly. She knew better than to try by then though. There was only so much manners that could be expected from them, especially when they were tired and trying to relax. “Toru?”

“Nope,” the girl chirped, holding her own smoothie with both hands. “Momo.”

“That plan sounds fine,” their rich friend acknowledged with a nod.

“Neat, I kinda need to start practicing some of the songs I’ll play in your party,” Kazuki commented. Momo’s parents had been kind enough to let him choose the songs, so long as he brought the list to them so that they could check there wasn’t anything that didn’t fit or anything of the sort. They had given him a list of suggestions and he’d likely learn a bunch of those since he didn’t know that many songs to begin with. “It’ll be a lot of work if I don’t wanna embarrass you,” he added with a grin sent Momo’s way.

He still hadn’t made up his mind if that was just piling on his weariness or if it counted as a break. He enjoyed playing, for sure, but the weight of the expectations wasn’t something he was crazy about. Fortunately, so far, most of what had made him uncomfortable had gone away with the Yaoyorozus’ approval.

“Remember that you can just tell us if it’s too much work,” Momo told him and he smiled at her again, this time appreciatively. Her parents had been quick to reassure him that if he felt it was too much for his schedule as a hero student, then it’d be fine to back out of the deal and they’d hire someone else. It wasn’t like they didn’t have options.

At that point, it was more a favor for him than it was anything else, so…

Yeah.

“I know, thanks,” he replied, taking another sip from his drink.

Tiresome as the times were, not everything sucked.

[}-o-{]

“You spoil me too much,” he commented with a grin, looking at the plate that Nemuri pushed in front of him. “You sure you didn’t miss your call as a chef?”

“That’s kind of you, but most of what I make is normal stuff,” the heroine replied with an amused smile on her face. “About the same as what you can make, I’d say. I never bothered cooking much when it was just for myself,” she admitted with a shrug as she took her chopsticks.

“I wouldn’t know, I guess. What you make is some of the best homemade food I’ve had that wasn’t my own cooking,” he said, aware of the spike of pity that came after that even before it happened. Sometimes he tried to keep such comments to himself to avoid that, avoid making things awkward. They were a part of his life though, and he wasn’t… He didn’t want to be held back by that. He wanted to accept that and move on.

Nemuri was a good enough target to drop that kind of stuff with, he supposed. She’d encouraged him to share more about himself, after all, some time before then. He’d told her things that he probably hadn’t even shared with Inui, even if most of them were just random snippets of his life.

“That’s kind of sad,” Nemuri said, almost casually despite the way she felt. “Wait, some?”

“I’ve eaten at my friend’s place and sorry to say, but Minoru’s mom does some great cooking,” he replied, trying to add some levity to the conversation with the nice opening she’d given him. Sure enough, the woman gasped exaggeratedly and placed a hand over her chest dramatically. “I did say sorry.”

“You hurt me, Kazuki, right here.”

“So sorry,” he repeated, his tone flat even through the smile he was sporting. Then he turned towards the food once more and the grin turned into something softer. “Thanks for taking the time to prepare these meals.”

“Don’t think too much about it, alright?” Nemuri told him then and he looked up because of how warm she sounded. “Being honest, I enjoy coming here. Much better than being alone at home.”

“Being alone sucks,” he said, and he took some comfort in how similarly Nemuri felt about that. “I’m sure you have stuff to do from time to time though, so don’t feel like you have to come here, alright?” he continued then, keeping his eyes down instead of looking at her. “You have your own life out of being my minder, I bet.”

“I prefer guardian, if it’s all the same to you,” the woman said and he busied himself eating rather than addressing thoughts that popped up in his mind. “And you’d be surprised. I think I’ll make a nice cat lady in a few years,” she added, trying to sound like she was joking. Unfortunately for her, Nemuri seemed to have forgotten who she was talking to.

Or at least the fact that he could sense her negative emotions.

“Well, I don’t have much going for me in that regard either, so we can keep each other company if nothing else,” he commented, drawing a chuckle from the woman. “What?” he asked, feigning some offense. “I’m trying to cheer you up and you laugh at me? That’s rude, Nemuri. Very rude.”

“Sorry about that,” she said in between laughs. “That was just hilarious, even if you don’t know why,” she explained without explaining anything. Thus, Kazuki was left blinking at her. “Nevermind that, you’ll get to experience a good family at some point, Kazuki. I’m sure of that.”

“Hm, I guess,” he mused, picking at his food for a bit before bringing a bit to his mouth. He considered that for a moment, surprised by the thoughts that came to his mind. “Meals like this were the kind of thing I used to dream about,” he admitted, decidedly not looking up once more, if for a different reason than before. “Coming back home and finding it… warm, with nice food and someone at the table that’d be glad I was there.”

He’d also dreamed of having someone to talk to about his problems. He’d dreamed of having someone to go to for advice or help. He’d dreamed of feeling like he could rely on someone else. He’d dreamed of having people that cared.

And he had them now, he had Inui and Hina and Nemuri and even Aizawa. They weren’t his parents, but they’d fulfilled some of his wildest dreams all the same. ‘Who needs parents anyway?’ he asked himself, continuing to resolutely eat his meal without looking at Nemuri. Her emotions were such a mess that he felt like it was best to put some distance there, for both their sakes.

“I’m glad you’re here, Kazuki,” were the words that she managed to say, and he could hear the knot in her throat. He could also empathize with that, because he felt like he wouldn’t be able to say much himself. How long had he waited for someone to say that to him? How many nights had he spent as a child wondering if he’d hear such words?

At that moment, he wasn’t tired or disappointed or sad or anything of the sort. He wasn’t thinking about the school trip or his training or the movie. At that moment, he was just taking a moment to remember lonely nights filled with crying and questions that he hadn’t known if he wanted to know the answer to. He remembered fantasies and wishes that he thought were impossible.

And he relished the fact that his worst fears had been wrong.

“Thanks,” was all he managed to say.

But it seemed to be enough.

“You’re welcome, Kazuki.”

[} Chapter End {]

Hey guys! How’s it going?

Well, that got real heavy out of nowhere. I thought this would be a nice, somewhat chill chapter. Or as chill as a chapter can be when our boy is kind of having a battle with one of the biggest villains in the world, burnout. Instead, halfway through that last part things kind of escalated out of nowhere.

Can’t say I saw that coming, but then again, nothing new, is it?

Still, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.

Discord Link: discord.gg/UTDransjJZ

Random Question: I asked this in one of my other stories, but I’m gonna repeat the question here. Is there any fandom you’d like to see me write a story for? Can even be a fandom I’m already writing for or have already written for. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ll replace whatever story I finish first from the three I have going now, for some reason. I don’t know why, considering none of them seem even close to ending.

See you.