sadness - histrionic and granted

I don't know what album this is going to be on. at first it was going to be on the EP with "the most precious orange light, I hold it in my hands" but then I realized that these two songs sound wildly different. I don't really care if the production differs from song to song on the same album, but I kinda don't want this song to stand out so abruptly from other sadness songs on the same release. it's like ten times louder and noiseier than the rest. idk. I'm most likely going to release it as a single or put it on a split with another band (i have a lot of people all the time asking me to do splits with them, and the answer is yes! I want to do every split! so if you want to do a split just message nme and I'll try to get back t you !) so I'll probably just find a split that I can put this on.

the electronic intro was made sometime in probably march of 2018. I have to use the starbucks wifi right now so I can't check the original date but I'm pretty sure it was march 28 2018 (because that's what the original bounce on my google drive says). as I've mentioned before I use to make a lot of "beats" and things like that back then and I want to incorperate them somehow in complete songs (just like with every unfinished recording I've ever made). I'm serious. I have so much unfinished music over the years and I want to use every single thing I've ever done. in early 2021 (or maybe late 2020, I don't remember) I added to the song with just guitars. and then I lost all my session files lol. just like with other songs on here,  was left with nothing but an unfinished mp3 bounce of the song to work with. I was pretty disappointed with this honestly, but at least I hadn't added drums so it meant I could do whatever I wanted with the drums. the guitar tone had to stay the same, which is honestly a pretty interesting tone and I kinda like it. at 2:47 you can hear what the original tone sounded like. but when I finished the song recently I added another layer of guitar with the noisier and static-y tone. that original tone was really just a place holder for while I tracked the guitars and I was most likely going to change it later, but then of course I lost the files.  there was actually another section added to the song after this (where the guitars end) with more guitars but I just took it out and replaced it with the electronic outro. it's kind of unfortunate that you can't really hear what the guitars are doing because the riffsand chords are pretty intricate but I also really liked the idea of the song being really noisey and incoherent and abrasive, but now you can't really hear whats going on. honestly this applies to most of my music, I feewl like the guitar work is never truly appreciated because it's so atmospheric that everything is blended tgether but in reality I'm actually playing some really complicated chords and riffs. if you listen to the origianl mp3 of the unifnished version you could probably hear it better.
i added drums recently (this is actually the last sadness song I recorded on drums before I sold them because I'm moving soon), bass, and then I added that cool outro. the outro is entirely inspired by the outro to AFI "affliction" (my favorite band when I was 12).

"disassociated in aprilnight dreamlight, golden and burning in the center of open space, histrionic and granted

something

golden burning age 

alive feel line 

burning stars outside of you 

disassociated in aprilnight 

i’m in the center of attention

just as should 

does golden fire

just like i have to burn above 

april orange ground 

screaming my name

i hear the distant stratosphere 

just like i have to burn above 

and within my spring hands is your pink name 

repeat

your company"

the first stanza of the lyrics is something I wrote on facebook in january 2021. I talked about this in previous posts, but for many years I've tended to write my thoughts and feelings as little diary entries on facebook. these are always abstract images or scenarios that occur to me throughout the day, just from my pure imagination or my perception of something and the things I find beautiful in it. it could really be anything. in the same way I want to utilize all the recorded music I've made in my life, I also decided one day that all these things I write could very easily become more than just the words but also actual songs. these ideas are potent enough to be captured through sound as well, if anything words are probably even more limited than sound when it comes to capturing the imageries in my head and my feelings. honestly music isn't that good either, but I like to think that I'm pretty good at capturing my ideas with music. so sometimes when I come across something I've written I have a pretty good idea of how to make a song out of it (for example spotlight), but sometimes I like to attach the words to a preexisting piece of music, even if they aren't really al lthat related. I find it interesting to combine different stories. when I was making the music for this song I really didn't have the "histrionic and granted" idea in my head. that was actually something I decided to attach recently. I always knew I wanted to make a song with the "histrionic and granted" text, and I always knew it would have to be in a flat minor, but I didn't have any real idea of how to make that song. one day I was looking through things I've written looking for lyrics to add to this song and when I remembered histrionic and granted I knew it would fit really well.
the first stanza was inspired by this image i had in my head of something like  huge stadium with thousands upon thousands of people surrounding , in an open plane outdoors on an april night, golden little lights adorning the entire space around us. this place was absolutely huge, and I imagined myself right in the center, the center of attention. I could be doing absolutely anything, but the idea was cultivating the energy from every single person and myself, the beauty of the black sky and the golden shimmering lights. this song eludes to an obsession with being the center of attention.
the rest of the lines in the lyrics I wrote afterwords because I needed to write something that could fit with the melody I wanted to sing in the chorus. it's hard to take prewritten lyrics and making them sound singable and melodic, fitting all the syllables well in the melody that I already know I want to sing, so I just decided to write new lyrics. they really just elude to the same thing, except for the last part

"and within my spring hands is your pink name

repeat

your company"

I wanted to add something that sounded a lot like the actual music and the original emotional intention behind the music, which for this little chorus was hugely inspired by "why can't I" by liz phair, and this song feels pink, it feels like love, like flowers. it's also directly inspired by my girlfriend who I love dearly, she feels pink, just like the song, and she has pink hair which is really pretty