On HeartTheft

I am trying to get my final work done, last few storenvy orders packaged, and our van packed in the final days before we head out to a convention, but I really feel I need to address this novel and some of the recent reactions before I go.  I'm very emotional right now, but I will do my best.

First off, I want to thank everyone for your feedback, even those comments which were particularly devastating to me.  I've been working on this novel for awhile now, it was in pre-production and planning for longer than I'd care to admit.  Easily six years.  I can't say I've ever tried so hard to write a book 'well'.  It's my tenth novel.  I wanted it to matter.  

I've been listening to, reading, and watching journals, podcasts and interviews on deconstruction, ex-fundamentalist tell-alls, and those who've endured conversion therapy and religious abuse. I have even spoken face to face with several folks about their experiences, from several different religions. I have my own experiences, obviously. And it's looking like despite my best efforts, I still failed to craft a deconstructing protagonist that all of my readers could relate to and come to care for.

I will be speaking with Kyell Gold this weekend, he is intended to be the editor for this novel. I'm going to talk to him about the concerns I've heard here, and my friends and furry family, maybe even the FP guys, and get some feedback from the people who've helped me with my books all this time, and add it to the feedback I've gotten here. Nothing will be weighed more or less heavily, as I decide what to do. The whole purpose of doing beta reads here is because I KNOW that what I'm trying to write is challenging, and that I do not have a formal education as a writer, let alone the lived experience of every character I write. It's not just the subject matter, I am fully willing to admit it might also be a skill issue. But when you write about the sorts of things I write about, I don't think there's room for big mistakes. I don't think I get to just say 'it's good enough', and disregard serious criticism. I want to tell a difficult story with flawed characters who feel real, I want my protagonists to make terrible mistakes. I do not want anyone who reads my books to feel a character is guaranteed a good ending, because that isn't the kind of story I want to tell, and because in stories of queer oppression one of the key takeaways that one particular character in this story embodies is this - not everyone makes it. It's important to make that point and not gloss it over, or it is all too easy to forget it in the real world, and forget those that were lost to institutional abuse, bigotry, and violence. 

But I also do not want people to feel my writing handles these difficult subjects lightly, lazily, or pushes a narrative that might harm people who read it. And I want you all to like my characters, despite their flaws, DESPITE their hesitations at crucial moments. I want you to care about them, warts and all.

Some folks on our Telegram chat have pointed out that I also might not have mentioned this fact here - This is not the final book for these characters. HeartTheft is a solo novel, but the story picks up after Chapter 25 in a second planned novel from Darcy's perspective. The characters' low point at the end of this novel, both in their personal lives and in the relationship between them, is intentional. 

The fallout from the events at the end of HeartTheft is tackled in the next book. If there is concern that the ending seems rushed or too abrupt, or too dark, I hope it's not because I failed to communicate there is another book coming. I'm very sorry for that.

That being said, if this story was too dark, too difficult for you to read, if it put you in a bad place and you just cannot read any more, that is okay. And also, I'm really sorry. I like to put up a big, brash front with my readers and say 'buckle up, you're in for it' but I'm actually a huge mush at heart, and I HATE knowing my writing has hurt someone's feelings or ruined their day. I hope those of you who were really let down by this part of this story will give me another chance. I am going to make changes to the final chapters - how large, I cannot say. I cannot see a way to restructure the final confrontation in a way in which certain characters continue on in the story, given the way the events culminate.

Changing core events- namely who lives, who dies, is impossible for the narrative to continue on into the next book, and would render much of the characterization and events that lead up to this point meaningless. Not to mention, it would end the main relationship in the story. Which... I mean, this is a romance, guys. As messy as it is right now, it's a love story. Some of you might be having trouble imagining that now, but please extend me some trust, here. If there's one thing I do generally tackle well, it's messy relationship dynamics. The final confrontation in this novel WAS in fact planned the whole while, it was set up in several key interactions between characters, it is incredibly important to the thesis of the story, and an intentional dark mirror to those events.

I will be addressing specific concerns in the comment sections, and attempting to explain what some find unexplainable. But once again, this isn't a 'the readers didn't get it' excuse, it means I as a writer did not communicate certain aspects of this story well enough to you, and I will be pressing into that HARD, both in heavy re-writes and with my story editor, Kyell. Man knows what he's doing, I'm really hoping he can help. 

Please take care of yourselves, and I will try to do the same. And please don't give up on the series, even if you continue to loathe the story decisions I made here. This might not be the book for you, even after I've re-worked and tweaked, but I hope I can write something you'll enjoy more in the future. To peel back the vinyl a little, I have my own rankings of my writing, and there are some I just have NO desire to read again. Sometimes a story doesn't resonate the way I want it to with certain people, and this one is seeming very divisive. I hope I can win some of you over, and get you to love Isidor again, forgive him for his trespasses, as it were. But if not, I promise there will be something for you in the future. Thanks for your time.