Meaning in Isolation

Today, I am challenging myself to blog with no plan of attack. Often times when I type out lengthy posts, it’s because something sparked my thought process. So far, today has not brought the sparks, but as someone who would like to write more, I realize I need to overcome that whole writer’s block thing of only wanting to write when I’m “in the mood”. 

There’s so much that could be written about at this moment. Aside from the obvious thing we are witnessing as a whole on planet Earth, this isolation has given me so much time to think. There has been a lot of reflection and a lot of memories coming to the surface. My life coach suggested I use this time to start writing a book, which I very much intended to do someday. While I’m not quite ready to write “the book”, I can start by writing down memories, and I think that’s going to be a good chunk of my blog posts in the coming weeks. My life has been... gah, I don’t even know the words to use. Interesting for sure. But when I step back and think about where I came from, what I’ve been through, and where I am now, I’m kind of amazed. It’s not just a matter of how I currently live or the fact that I work in TV now. I actually don’t feel like this is the most interesting or exciting part of my life at all as far as shock value goes.I think the years I spent as a traveling freelance model might have some the best OMG moments. And the stories from my childhood and being raised in an almost cult-ish way of being Christian is a whole WTF chapter all on its own. ( I am not knocking Christianity, by the way. Only the misinformed way in which I was raised to believe.) And how about the fact that someone tried to burn my house down when I was 15?! Or the time I ran over my own leg? Or the fact that just before I met JD I was really debating pursuing a polyamorous relationship? So many of the things I have experienced are things that many people never will. Some of that is excellent (I promise you never want to go through the burning house thing and you’ll get it once I talk about it) and some of that I find to be a bit of a bummer because all of these things shaped me and really opened my mind. The ability to see a situation from all sides it’s probably the biggest benefit of all of this. Everything that happened to me led to some sort of curiosity, which led to exploration, which led to a lot of learning.

I feel like I have had quite a few “a-ha” moments these last few weeks. For some reason, it seems easier to see the lessons I learned through my experiences and finding meaning comes more naturally. In regards to this current pandemic specifically, I have had to be careful about what I say as I am not personally struggling as much as many people are. While I am out of work and financially things are… uncertain and a little scary, I am incredibly grateful that I A) love my husband and enjoy spending time with him and B) enjoy being home. I very much recognize the place of privilege from which I come, not just because of those two things, but for many others.

That being said, I have been able to see a lot of positivity during this time. When all of this first started, everything felt chaotic and divisive. Now that I have been home long enough to know I need to limit my news intake from certain sources, things feel much more manageable. I can really see how much people are looking out for each other and how much this is not only helping the earth heal, but in many ways, humankind. I’m sure by now many of you have read articles about this teaching us to slow down and respect the earth, but I wonder how much of this learned information will be carried on with us when life begins to resume in usual fashion. I know that for myself, I will likely be even more picky about how I spend my time. I stopped going to a lot of events once JD got sick, not just because he couldn’t go, but it really made me evaluate what was important to me. It wasn’t worth my time to go promote another company regardless of what it was, just to get a gift bag or network with the same groups of people who didn’t seem to have much depth. While a lot of those people were successful, they weren’t people I meshed with on a soul level. Even though JD is better now and we can go out as a couple, I still value my time and our time much more than in the beginning of our relationship. Being at home so much is helping me realize that my love language being quality time is making more and more sense. I‘ve fully accepted that I like to do things slowly, with intention, and thoroughly. I enjoy the process of whatever I’m doing whether it be organizing our storage, doing make up, or FaceTiming friends and family. A lot of my life was very rushed and while I love being busy because it usually means more work, it doesn’t allow me to be very mindful. In saying all this, and hopefully in a not too rambling way, my biggest take away in this first month of being home is to make sure I’m slowing down and taking time for being with my loved ones and also for being alone once we get back to being more social in person. 

Photos by DMR Depictions

Bodysuit by Black Milk Clothing

Belt, jacket and shoes are thrifted

Legwarmers are from the interweb somewhere 🙈