Giving Notice - Chapter Five (preview!)

Just a short preview of what I'm currently working on while I have my vacation week from work. This is proving to be an emotionally difficult chapter to write and so progress has been somewhat slow, but it's a VERY important story beat that I want to get right, because it sets the stage for the coming plot. I hope you guys enjoy it, please do let me know what you think!

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CHAPTER FIVE

Stephen got Max settled on the enormous leather couch that lined his living room and then took their damp towels into the bathroom. When he reappeared, he poured two glasses of whiskey at his bar before making his way to the couch. “Here,” he said, passing Max a glass as he seated himself. “Just don’t tell anyone I gave alcohol to a nineteen-year-old.” Stephen smiled gently. “Now, what’s going on?”

Max sniffed at the glass. He’d had a few beers before but he’d never tasted whiskey. He noted that Stephen’s glass was half full, while his own only had a small amount of the amber liquid. He watched Stephen smoothly throw back his own glass and empty it in one go. Max tried to do the same but began coughing as soon as he’d swallowed the sharp-tasting liquid. It burned like nothing he’d ever experienced before.

Stephen laughed goodnaturedly as Max caught his breath. “Don’t be embarrassed, it does that to everyone the first time.” He patted Max’s back while the golden retriever recovered himself. “Give that a minute to work its magic and it’ll help settle your nerves.”

“Thank you,” a bashful Max replied. “I’m okay, I promise. I’m just… weird. I dunno.” He shrugged, struggling to explain his strange anxiety to Stephen. The wolf sat patiently, rubbing small circles on Max’s back with his paw while Max collected his thoughts. After a few moments of silence, Max spoke again.

“It’s just this weird nervous thing, it’s been happening a lot lately. I don’t know why, I don’t really have anything to be nervous about.” Max stared at his knees as he spoke. “I just keep thinking, I dunno, something bad is going to happen. But I don’t know why I keep thinking that. That’s weird, right?”

Stephen sighed and settled in, tugging Max close. “It’s not weird, pup. Your life has changed so much, so quickly. It’s understandable that you would be experiencing some feelings over it. Make no mistake, everyone here went through much the same thing early on. It’s… a lot to go through.” Stephen smiled warmly and kissed the top of Max’s head. “You went through life feeling out of place, like you didn’t belong anywhere, and then suddenly you’re swept up into this strange new life where everyone loves and respects you and doesn’t make you feel ashamed of who you are. So you’re waiting for something to happen to take it all away again, to push you back into your old life, because you can’t possibly deserve all the good things that have happened, right? You spent so long thinking you were weird for liking the things you like that you internalize all of those negative feelings about yourself. So then when things change, your inner voice starts screaming that it has to all go away again.”

Max turned and looked up at Stephen and was surprised to see tears in the wolf’s eyes. “You felt like this too?” Max asked, surprised.

“We all have,” Stephen said. “It’s hard to accept that there’s anywhere in this world where you can be so completely welcomed and respected, regardless of whatever odd kink you’re into. That’s the magic of StartAgain, but it’s such a strange feeling at first. When I came here, when I met Sam and we fell in love… and then when the cancer took Sam from me… I felt like I would never be happy again. I felt like the joy in my life was all in the past, that there was never going to be anything to truly look forward to again. Part of me wishes you could’ve seen me then, and part of me is just grateful that you never will. I was hollow, empty. StartAgain lost its shine for me.” Stephen breathed a long, slow breath and cleared his throat quietly.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “I was still grateful for my job here, for all the opportunities that StartAgain gave me. But I don’t think I’ve ever been so lonely as I was after my husband passed. Everyone around me kept going like normal, like somehow the world didn’t completely end with Sam’s death. I couldn’t make sense of it. How could they go on, dressing in their kink gear, having sex with each other, working their jobs, eating together and laughing freely in the dining hall, when Sam was dead? It felt like the world should stop turning and the sun should go black, like Sam was the thing that made the universe happen and without him everything was supposed to just… end.”

Max leaned into Stephen’s embrace even harder. He could feel the deep pain coming from his wolf, and he sensed that Stephen was speaking words he’d held inside for far too long. Max didn’t know what to say or do to comfort him, and so he hoped that listening and being present was enough.

Stephen sniffled, and his voice was raw when he finally spoke again. “A lot of my life turned into just going through the motions because it was what was expected of me. I’d get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, go to work, say hello to the people I passed in the halls. But none of it had meaning. James was the only one who saw past the facade, he knew how deeply I was hurting inside. Bless him. I can’t tell you how many times we’d stay up until dawn while he listened to me pour my drunk heart out over a bottle of vodka. James Warren wants everyone to think he’s a complete badass, but he’s got a tender heart he doesn’t let many people see. He was so patient with me, so gentle. I couldn’t have gotten through all that without him, Max. I mean that. James is the reason I didn’t just lay down and give up on life.”

Max nodded quietly. Mr. Warren had been really good to Max, too, and he could absolutely imagine the hawk making it his mission to take care of Stephen during his darkest days.

“The reason I’m telling you all this,” Stephen said softly, “is because I want you to know that I really do understand the anxiety you’re feeling. It’s too easy for everything that matters to disappear in a puff of smoke. Especially for guys like us, who felt so completely isolated from the world before we came here. StartAgain isn’t really even about letting kinky guys get their kink on in a safe space. It’s about giving a home to weirdos like us who never felt like we had one before.” Stephen took Max’s paws into his own, clasping them tightly. “I want you to understand something, unequivocally. This is your home, for as long as you want it to be. And not because you like wearing diapers and dressing like a baby. This is your home because the people here love you and value you. That fact is carved in stone, immutable, it’s not something that’s going to suddenly vanish, unless you choose for it to. And even if you someday decided that you wanted to leave StartAgain, for whatever reason… I would follow you to the ends of the earth, Max. I’d quit my job, give up everything I have here, and I’d chase you forever, if I had to. I love you, Max. I want to dedicate my life to bringing you all the happiness you deserve.”

To his credit, Max fought against his emotions as hard as he could. However, in spite of his best efforts, his body let forth bubbling, uncontrollable sobs. He turned and threw his arms around Stephen, burying his muzzle in the wolf’s chest as he wept. He could feel Stephen’s breath, hot and ragged on his neck. Max’s body shook harshly as he cried tears of pain and tears of relief. He cried for the joy he felt in his heart, and he cried for the loneliness that he’d been holding in for as long as he could remember.

Stephen cried too, both mourning his lost love and celebrating this newfound one. Together, the two young men let go of years of accumulated pain, sorrow and isolation. The universe quietly shrank around them until Max and Stephen became the only things that existed, and they poured their emotions into the space between them until there was nothing left to feel except love and undisturbed silence.

Eventually their tears subsided and they laid together on the couch, breathing softly in the still quiet of the apartment. Stephen petted Max, cooing quietly and stroking his headfur. Max rested his head on Stephen’s chest, listening to the wolf’s heartbeat gently thumping in his ear. At last, the two fell asleep, locked closely in their embrace.

*****

Some time later, Max awoke. His eyes and throat burned, but he felt much better than he had before. Stephen still snoozed on the couch beneath him. Max carefully extracted himself from Stephen’s arms, not wanting to wake him. Once he was free of the wolf’s arms, Max made his way to the kitchen and glanced at the clock on the microwave. 9:26 PM. The boys had slept for far longer than Max would’ve guessed. For a moment, Max debated sneaking down to the dining hall and bringing back food, but he wasn’t quite ready to reenter the world. Instead, he began exploring Stephen’s kitchen, foraging for ingredients he could turn into a meal. Max was an inexperienced cook, so he settled on a box of macaroni shells and cheese, a package of beef hotdogs, and a frozen box of microwavable broccoli florets.

Max quietly set to work preparing the simple meal, taking the opportunity to familiarize himself with where everything was in Stephen’s kitchen. Periodically he would glance over at the sleeping wolf on the couch, and his heart would warm anew.

Max boiled the hotdogs until they looked done, then he removed them from the water and set them aside. He poured the box of uncooked shells into the still-boiling hotdog water and checked the instructions on the back of the package to see how long he needed to let them cook. Finally, he pulled back one corner of the frozen broccoli and placed it in the microwave, then started it cooking.

Once the pasta was done cooking, he drained it and ran cold water from the sink over it, then mixed in the contents of the cheese sauce pouch. He took a small paring knife from Stephen’s knife block and sliced the cooked hotdogs into thin rounds and mixed them into the cheesy pasta, then did the same with the cooked broccoli florets. He then went through Stephen’s spice rack and shook a few different spices and seasonings over the pasta on a whim, mixing everything together into a cheesy casserole of sorts. Satisfied with his handiwork, Max fished around in Stephen’s cabinets until he’d located where Stephen kept his dishes. He spooned the food into two bowls in equal portions, and placed them in front of the stools at the breakfast bar.

Max looked around in Stephen’s refrigerator for something to drink. There were bottles of water in the door next to a corked bottle of red wine. The top shelf held a half-full gallon of orange juice next to a mostly empty gallon of expired, visibly curdled milk. Max rolled his eyes; he’d have to have a word with Stephen about the state of his refrigerator. Max settled on the juice and filled two glasses.

Once the impromptu meal was ready, Max quietly walked to Stephen’s side and gently nudged the sleeping wolf on the shoulder. “Stephen,” he said softly, “it’s time to wake up.”

In a moment, the handsome wolf was blinking up at Max. “Oh, I fell asleep. What time is it?”

“After 9:30,” Max answered. “I made us something to eat. It’s nothing fancy, but I didn’t feel like going to the dining hall.” He helped Stephen sit up. The wolf’s nose crinkled. “Is that mac and cheese I smell?” he asked, the corners of his mouth turning up.

Max nodded as Stephen rose from the couch. “Mhmm. With hotdogs and broccoli. I used to make this kind of thing on my hotplate in my dorm whenever it was too late at night to go out and get fast food. It’s not fancy but it is filling. I hope it’s okay.”

“It’s perfect,” Stephen replied. “You’re perfect. And I’m starving.”

“Then let’s eat,” Max said happily. He led Stephen to the breakfast bar and got him settled, then hopped up on the stool next to him.