♦ Lost Purpose ♦

You know it's a bad day when Rick actually smokes that damn cigarette and doesn't just have it around unlit like an edgy stress fidget thing :,(

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TW: addiction discussion

Rick's got a long history with alcoholism, I've talked about it a lot before. It's not exactly a path that he ever really thought he'd be taking considering he's grown up with an alcoholic father who was genuinely a disgusting human being, but when Rick found himself no longer able to cope with the reality he found himself into, alcohol became the only thing that really, at least for a moment, made him care less about it all.

The most significant reason it was so difficult for him to stop, I'd say, was the whole insomnia thing. He's been struggling with sleep because of his childhood since he was a child and knocking himself out just became the easiest way to make sure he'd be dead gone for at least a single night. Even with his life being the way it was, I believe he'd have a much easier time quitting had it not been for the nights that just lasted for way too long. He did eventually go sober, thankfully. He was sober on and off a couple of times actually, which definitely made his final withdrawal a hellish enough of an experience that he never touched a drop of anything that isn't water again.

One of the things I wanted to explore in this story and one of the things I deeply care about is the position of a functioning addict, and an addict that isn't necessarily violent because of their addiction. It's a type of struggle that left Rick kind of isolated in his issue. Of course he had his family and yes they made it really obvious he needed to get help, but for the majority of his life, people around him weren't aware of his struggles. They were really only aware of it when it became a loud, when it interrupted their lives, but after Rick first "went sober" during the ending of The Kostrov Traces II, no one really knew that he just... never actually quit entirely

He was still drinking, he was very much still an addict, but because he began hiding it better, because he was a sweet, sweet man who loved deeply and never was violent toward his family, because he still did his job and acted proper during daytime, it's almost like it didn't matter that he was still so entirely shattered deep inside. It didn't matter because the only person suffering because of it was him, and his safety and his happiness didn't matter to him.

It wouldn't be before he accepted that he will never be able to heal entirely if he only ever does it for someone else that he actually started getting better. It also took FJ a bit before he realized addiction and mental health struggles don't only matter when they're loud and terrifying. They can be silent, and most of the time they are, which helped him not only understand Rick better, but also his own struggles from time to time