Best of Intentions: Fly Me to the Moon (ch. 34) (Complete)

“Dear people of Earth,” I began, resisting the urge to adjust my glasses while I looked at a tennis ball with a smiley face drawn on it above the camera I was speaking to. “My name is Rudeus Rain, but everyone just calls me Rude. Some of you might be familiar with me due to my actions during the Raccoon City ‘Incident’, but most of you probably have no clue who I am or why I'm speaking to you by hijacking every TV and radio station in the world. It is, in small part, because global cyber security is a fucking joke and it was terrifyingly easy to seize control of the world wide communication network. So, governments of the world, get on that.” 

Ah, I was going on a tangent already. I could see Jill massaging her temples while Chris was trying not to crack up. Rebecca looked really concerned for some reason, though. No matter. I could scribble in the bullet points somewhere for the live run. 

“But that is not why I have seized control of your TVs, phones, computers, and radios,” I continued, my hands on a podium and I tried not to fidget with my note cards. “You, the people of Earth, have been bugging the fuck out about the mold tree things that erupted across the world the other day and it has become a pain in my ass, so I have decided to inform you of what transpired so you will chill the hell out.” 

“Why did we think this was a good idea?” Jill whispered, and Chris was going red in the face at how hard he was trying to not laugh.

“The mold tree things were part of a conspiracy to infect the world with the T-Virus,” I continued, offering the brutal truth. Might need to workshop the delivery. The point of the address was to calm people down. But being upfront would retain attention? “Oswell E. Spencer, CEO and founder of Umbrella, attempted to infect the world in a frankly insane and pretty convoluted plot that I can't really be bothered to elaborate on. The cliff notes are that he was plotting world domination via the enslavement of humanity through the infection.” 

“Oh, this is so bad.” Jill whispered, turning her head to the ceiling, like this was a train crash that she couldn't even bring herself to watch. Well, if she was going to be like that… 

“But, no need to worry. I killed him,” I continued, wearing a small smile. “He turned himself into a mold person, and I injected myself with a cocktail of chemicals potent enough to kill God before letting myself get infected. We had a showdown in some hivemind mindscape place where I proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of him and gave him a lobotomy, before killing myself to destroy the mold. Which is why the mold trees calcified and are completely inert, so for the love of fuck, stop panicking. The world isn't ending. We saved it. Again.” 

I paused, gathering my thoughts before continuing. “Which brings me to my second point of this address. Due to that weird mold hivemind thing, I ended up learning a great deal of information about Umbrella and their moronic tendencies. As well as all the idiots across the globe that enabled their constant attempts to set the whole fucking world on fire so they could be king of the ashes. So, when you hear the news that my people have begun targeting these people, I want to make something abundantly clear -- they are guilty. They are guilty of corruption. They were made to turn a blind eye, whether it was because of a briefcase of cash, a favor under the table, or because of blackmail. And because of it… everyone and everything on this planet nearly died. So, keep that in mind when you people start complaining about us playing Judge, Jury, and Executioner.” 

Now Rebecca was facepalming. That was fine. I'll freeball the whole thing. It wasn't like it mattered. 

Already, across the world, the rest of Storm was putting the info I stole from Oswell to good use. The secret labs were being hit, the corrupt government officials were being removed, the samples were being destroyed one by one. Honestly, the only reason that people weren't freaking out about it was because they were still caught up on the mold trees. 

We were hitting them fast and without mercy. After learning how corrupt the whole system was, there was officially no one in any government that I would trust to find their own ass with both hands and a map,, much less with rooting out the last remnants of Umbrella. It really changed some of my plans, if I was being completely honest. 

“Because that's what we do. That is the purpose of the organization that I created in the wake of the Raccoon City Incident,” I continued, a touch of seriousness leaking back into my voice. “We have taken it upon ourselves to save the world and to do whatever is necessary to save it from people like Oswell. People who are willing to murder and sacrifice as many as it takes to gain power. As much as I would like to think that our fight is over with the downfall of Umbrella, it's not. We removed a bullet from the chamber that people like Oswell have pointed at the world, but the gun is still there, as are the morons who will pick it up to satisfy their ambitions.” 

The casual cheer in the room melted away as Jill, Chris, and Rebecca clenched their jaws, the weight of the decision settling on their shoulders. 

“We don't ask for permission nor forgiveness. We don't want your gratitude and we don't care about your condemnation. Our duty is entirely self appointed -- any who callously disregard the sanctity of human life in the name of petty ambition, who threaten the world with their thoughtless actions and ambitions, are those who will find themselves in our sights.” I clenched my jaw, and narrowed my eyes at the little tennis ball, imagining him to be Oswell or anyone like him. “We cannot be reasoned with. There is no bargain to be struck for mercy. We will find you and there is nothing in the world that can stop us from doing what we do best.” 

I took a breath, thinking about it for a moment, before nodding. “That was pretty good, huh?” I asked with a grin, looking at the three. 

Chris immediately busted a gut laughing, howling with it to the point that there were tears in his eyes. 

“Rude… the broadcast is still live,” Rebecca sighed. 

Live? “The fuck? Why would it be live? This was the dry run,” I started, a growing mortification rising deep from my gut. 

“You have a perfect memory?” Rebecca tried, making me stutter. 

“I still have social anxiety, though! This was going to be heard by billions of people-” I started to immediately complain, only to stop myself from completely destroying any gravitas I had managed to muster. I looked into the camera for a moment, wondering how I could salvage this… but it’d probably just be easier to pull some inspiration from comics and build a satellite capable of erasing all evidence of this debacle from the internet and people’s brains. 

Wordlessly, I just grabbed the remote on my podium and pressed the button that had been meant to turn the camera on and now turned it off. 

“Sorry?” Rebecca tried, sounding genuinely apologetic. 

That didn’t stop Jill and Chris from laughing. 

…

Things felt weird as our operations in the following days began to wind to a close. The information that I pulled from Oswell's head was enough to put Umbrella down for good. I could feel the thing that had dominated my life, that I had dedicated so much effort, so many sleepless nights, so much blood, sweat, and tears… I could feel this chapter of my life finally coming to a close. 

“I feel like a dog that chased the car and caught it. And now I don't know what to do,” I admitted to myself, sitting on the front porch of some cabin in Fuji, wearing flip-flops, swim trunks, and a neon pink shirt with flowers and pineapples on it. Beyond me was a white sandy beach, private as the property was owned by one of my many fake identities, with a brilliant blue ocean spread out before me. 

Yet, that wasn't what my gaze lingered on. 

A milestone has been reached! You have leveled up! 

Level 27

Artillerist Speciality Feature:

Upgrade Paradigm

When you cast an artificer spell through your arcane firearm, roll a 2d8 instead of 1d8, and you gain a bonus to one of the spell’s damage rolls equal to the number rolled. In addition, you’ve learned to equip your eldritch cannon with a scintillation regulator, doubling the range, as well as damage dice on your Eldritch Cannon.

Pretty neat. Can't say no to extra damage, but it hardly matters anymore. The rest of Storm had insisted upon my going on a vacation while they held the course, but even once the vacation ended I honestly had no idea what I would be doing with myself. Storm would always have an eye in the sky, and I had various projects to fiddle with, but… I was used to having an enemy.

I had leveled up, hitting Level 26 upon killing Oswell. Or kissing Jill. Either would apply as a milestone, honestly. Sure was lucky that I hadn't banked any plans on getting a 9th level slot then. However, with the downfall of Umbrella, and the seeming eradication of all unaccounted for samples of the various viruses that they'd cooked up… I leveled up once more, and with it came the all powerful 9th spell slot. 

There was no such thing as a bad 9th level spell, but there was one in particular that reigned supreme. 

Wish. 

Two words ‘I wish…’ and you could rework reality. So of course, it was only now that all my enemies were defeated that I was granted such awesome power. I had absolutely no idea what to do with it, even as I chose the undisputed most powerful spell, at least when there wasn't a DM turning the wish into a monkey’s paw. 

No, I suppose that wasn't true. Mother Miranda gave up the fight when she realized I could use Wish to bring back her daughter. I could use it to dispose of the Progenitor Virus and its offshoots. Hell, I could accomplish Oswell's dream and wish for a world of superhumans, no virus needed. 

“Or I could go home,” I mused quietly to myself, rocking back and forth in my rocking chair, my hands clasped in my lap as I gazed out into the ocean. 

I had been ripped from my life and dropped into a new world without explanation. Now I had the power to go back. Live out a mundane, boring life, which honestly didn't sound so bad anymore. There had been part of me that had expected some kind of ‘You Win’ screen to pop up once Umbrella was defeated, with whatever brought me here offering up the possibility, at least. It hadn't, but I now had the power to return nonetheless. 

If that's what I wanted. 

“You look ridiculous,” Jill remarked with affection, the wire mesh door squeaking as she stepped outside, wearing a linen sundress and passing me a cup of herbal tea. 

“Skin cancer is no joke,” I replied, pushing the SPF 8000 sunscreen her way. She just laughed lightly, taking the seat next to me and looking out at the ocean.

We fell into a comfortable silence, sipping my tea as it really started to settle. For Jill as much as me. Silently basking in that view as we thought about everything that had happened. From Racoon City, to the governments of the world freaking out about Storm, to the betting pool that Leon and Ada would hook up soon, now that the world wasn’t under a constant threat of self-inflicted annihilation. 

“I kinda hate it,” Jill admitted, not speaking about the ocean. 

“It's pretty boring,” I offered. Neither Jill nor I was the type to settle down, I think. Pedal to the metal until the grave. “Not too bad, though,” I added, reaching out and placing my hand over hers. She offered me a smile that sent my heart fluttering before squeezing my hand back. 

“It's not bad at all,” she agreed. 

I'm not too sure what was next for me beyond building a vacation house on the moon and scaring the hell out of the world governments. But what happened tomorrow wasn't my concern. And it wouldn’t be my concern for a whole week, the length of my vacation, for saving the world. 

Today, though? 

I was just going to drink in that view and enjoy my moment of peace.  No thoughts. No plans. 

Just Jill, that view, and peace. 

…

So ends Best of Intentions. The last chapter is a bit on the shorter side, but it felt fitting that Rude, who spent the entire story in a constant panic attack of various intensities, spent the last chapter kicking his feet up and letting his hair down. 

Overall, I’m pretty happy with this story. Feels like it ended at the right time. I do think that the first half of the story is the stronger half, and writing Rude as a grubby little gremlin that was constantly starved for resources as he tried to save everyone with too little was more engaging. But, writing what a god-tier artificer could get up to with borderline limitless resources was also a lot of fun. 

I don’t have any plans for a sequel to this story, but there is a possibility that we could see Rude again at some point. Of all my heroically inclined characters, he’s probably my favorite so far. As for what would happen in the future of this fic -- more or less what Rude already claimed. Through various shell companies, Rude would spearhead a tech uplift that would eventually see humanity colonizing the stars. 

Because Rude never really disagreed with Oswell that humanity needed an uplift, but they disagreed on methodology and intent. Umbrella wanted to control the world with an iron fist, turning everyone outside of the chosen few into borderline mindless puppets. Rude, however, wanted to give humanity the tools to correct their worst habits and let them lead themselves to a brighter future. And, like a parent, he’d be there to smack them upside the head when they tried to stick their hand in the fire again. 

And I think that’s it. Thanks for reading Best of Intentions, and I hope you enjoyed it!