SwimSHOOTs!

I finally went through all the swimmy pictures and I'll get the Flickr gallery links updated in a sec but I wanted to show y'all something first.

(CW: I'm gonna talk about some bad body feels here. I think I end on a pretty high note but I totally understand if you wanna give this one a pass.)

I post a lot and I talk a lot about my hot girl shit, but as a lot of you probably know from the outtakes and all the pictures that don't make twitter and IG - its hardly ALL HGS. One of the reasons that I kept putting off going through these pictures is that I DO NOT LIKE how ANY of the full-body Lucifer swimsuit pics look. The suit is honestly comfty and its the perfect size and its very well made but I just... don't like the way it looks on my body. I'm still showing one of the pics here because I want to make sure everyone knows that:

1) EVERYBODY feels that way sometimes, its a totally normal human (or dinosaur) reaction to feel self-conscious about the way you look or even the way a part of your body looks sometimes. Even though this suit is real cute I cant help but think it makes my waist line look HUGE and my tummy look way bigger than normal. I'm not fishing for compliments here or looking for anyone to tell me I'm actually tiny and skinny and that the picture looks great and I shouldn't feel that way. It's JUST the way I think it looks and for better or for worse, its the way that it makes me feel.

2) That's totally okay. Body positivity doesn't mean exhaustive, all-the-time, 100% only good feels positivity. Or at least it doesn't to me. Fuck, that would be exhausting. Bad feels happen and denying that they exist or trying to tackle every single one just seems like a recipe for complete mental burn out. I think its important to be kind to our mental selves as much as it is to our physical selves. I don't know if it's social pressure, or too much time on tiktok or something my grandmother said to me when I was twelve that I've since internalized deeply in my psyche that makes me think that suit doesn't look good on me and I don't really care. I'm gonna let my shitlord brain have that one and I'm not gonna fight it. I don't have the mental bandwidth to fight every battle that the worst parts of my brain come up with. I don't owe anyone but me unpacking all my shit to figure out why I don't like a stupid $35 swimsuit from a cosplay website. I don't wanna do that work right now because honestly...

3) ITS ONLY A SWIMSUIT. Yeah, really. Fuck it. Things change. I (literally) changed. It was only a swimsuit and it was only ONE swimsuit. I've included that second picture in the suit as Evelynn for a reason. That's the same body folks, probably even a fraction heavier since it was a few days later (if we're really gonna get out a scale and measure, I was at an all inclusive resort and I drank A LOT of cocktails and ate A LOT of tacos) and I feel like I look BANGIN in that one. No taco regrets. The cut's different, the style's different, the material's different and here it ALL just works. Likewise, I'm not gonna necessarily question why I feel like that right now. If I'm gonna be kind to myself when I feel like I look like a balloon, I need to be kind to myself when I feel like I look like the hot demon lady that can and does routinely destroy men for fun and just revel in it. It goes both ways, folks.

This ended up a little longer than I originally intended but I wanted to make my point clear: Everyone has those days, those pictures, those outfits. I don't think any of us are free from whatever baggage society, the internet or some crazy eastern European former beauty queens may have saddled us with in our formative years. Its okay to throw in the towel sometimes, as long as you're only throwing away one swim suit, because you're gonna look great and feel fantastic in the right one. Clothes are kinda fucked and its 100% okay to put aside the ones that you don't love and fucking CELEBRATE the ones that you do.