This Quest is Bullshit - Chapter 171

Chapter 171 - A Quick Muffin and Muffout

The stench of sewage assaulted Eve’s nose as the narrow tunnel spat them out into a cylindrical passage. Unlike the Lynthia sewers Eve remembered all too unfortunately, the Pyrindel sewers actually functioned. A stone walkway lined each side of the space, leaving Eve plenty of room to walk without having to wade through the river of waste below.

“There’s no way this is sanitary,” she complained as the smell sent another wave of nausea running through her.

It’s a sewer. Of course it’s unsanitary.

“I meant the muffins,” Eve snapped. “If they’re making them down here…” She shuddered.

You tasted eight of them, Lumy countered. You didn’t notice anything off then.

“Don’t remind me. Sewer muffins are not on my list of foods to try.”

Lumy blinked a curious green. What is?

“Breads, mostly,” Eve exhaled. “Someday.”

Wait. Lumy stopped short. Do you smell that?

Before she could realize her mistake, Eve channeled Mana through her nose to try and catch whatever clue Lumy had found. She gagged. “Gods damnit, Lumy. That was cruel.”

Lumy was too busy laughing to care. Wow, having a nose sucks.

“Sometimes,” Eve replied once she’d somewhat recovered from gathering a nose full of sewage smell. “Sometimes it’s awesome though. For all times you smell something rotten, you also get to smell sweet vanilla, or flowers, or freshly baked…” She trailed off as a second scent hiding beneath the oppressive stench of sewage reached her nose.  “Muffins.”

Before Lumy could respond, Eve darted down the tunnel, rounding a bend before stopping short at a rusty iron door. Despite its terrible shape, it swung open without so much as a squeak.

A wave of warm air blasted her, carrying with it the divine scent of pastries in the oven.

Eve stepped inside.

The room was pristine. Gone was any indication of the sewer outside, the stench and grime and decay giving way to a meticulously upkept cross between a bakery and a laboratory. Ovens lined the entire back wall, each equipped with a timer ticking away at whatever baked within.

A steel table dominated the center of the room, its flour-coated surface covered with everything from rolling pins to test tubes. Behind it stood a man, his lower half concealed by the workbench.

The muffin man had short, black hair with sheens of silver running through it, revealing the age his wrinkle free face concealed. He looked up from his work as Eve and Lumy came in, leaning forward with the palms of his hands on the table. “How did you get in here?”

“I think you have a bit more to worry about than the secrecy of your hiding place.” Eve kept her voice casual, the blue glow of her Appraise masked by the light of her eyes.

Level 82 The Muffin Man
Unique Tier 4 Class

Eve blinked. It was a class? She’d expected him to be some high level version of a Baker, not a Unique. More questions arose in the back of her mind.

The man tilted his head. “Do I, now? Rather brazen of you to stride in here and make threats. Into my abode. I thought adventurers these days knew better.”

Yeah, Eve, Lumy sent. I thought adventurers these days knew better.

Eve snorted, replying to them both at once. “I don’t think I’ve ever known better in my life.” She winked at Lumy. “Anyway, I’m here to tell you your little muffin scheme is over. It’s clever, really, buying up all the flour in the city so yours are the only baked goods available, but I think it’s run its course.”

“Is that what you think this is?” the man asked. “A money making scheme?” He shook his head, a patronizing smile across his face. “Go home, before somebody gets hurt.”

“Ooh, intimidation. Nice try.”

The muffin man leaned in, looking Eve directly in the eye. “I’d like to urge you to reconsider before you do anything rash. Leave this place, continue on with your lives thinking this was all just a bit of market manipulation that you let slide. You don’t want to see where this leads.”

“No, I think I do.”

“You don’t,” the muffin man insisted. “I’m somewhat of an expert on the subject, so you’ll have to believe me when I say that the one thing you don’t want to get to the bottom of, is a muffin.”

Eve blinked. “What?”

Oh, I get it, Lumy sent. It’s because the bottom is the worst part of the muffin.

Eve stared at him. “You wouldn’t happen to be related to a friend of mine, would you? Big, bulky blacksmith’s son—likes setting things on fire?”

The muffin man raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Eve shook her head. “Nevermind. Can we just skip to the part where you try and kill me?”

“If you’re so desperate to learn the truth about what it is I do here, I’m happy to oblige. But don’t pretend I didn’t warn you.” With that he moved slowly and suspiciously evenly along the other side of the table, speaking as he walked. “You see, the muffins I sell aren’t simply baked goods, they’re the byproducts of my research. I only sell them and risk exposing my operation to raise the necessary funds to continue.”

Eve scowled at him. “Your research into what?”

Before he replied, the man finally stepped out from behind his work table, revealing his lower half for all to see. It wasn’t human.

Five spider like legs stretched down from his abdomen, each formed not of flesh and bone or chitin, but of a thousand muffins. Bits of blueberry, cranberry, chocolate chips, and macadamia nuts delineated each leg as they moved in tandem to make the man seem to glide across the floor. It was grotesque. It was hideous.

The unholy melding of flesh and muffin spoke. “Human muffin hybridization,” he explained as if that made any sort of sense. “Two decades ago, I created my magnum opus: the perfect muffin. Ever since I have toiled day and night to find that same perfection within myself. I, of course, came to the obvious conclusion: to be as perfect as my muffin, I had to become one.”

Eve, look, Lumy sent. He’s got a muffin bottom of his own.

Eve held back the groan. “Okay, I’m going to pretend, for a moment, that the words that just came out of your mouth aren’t the most batshit insane thing I’ve ever heard, and ask a simple question. Why muffins?”

The muffin-man shrugged. “It’s my quest.”

That gave Eve pause. She didn’t question that the Questing Stones had handed this man a muffin-related life quest—she had more than enough experience with absurd quests—but the fact that his quest had led to this encounter struck her as suspicious. This was a link, a direct connection between the Questing Stones and her inability to buy a loaf of bread. If the Stones hadn’t started the muffin man down this path, he’d never have cornered the flour market and bread would’ve been readily available in the bakeries of Pyrindel.

Eve blinked. Had the Stones been orchestrating this from the beginning? Were they actively stopping her from buying bread? She exhaled. There had to be some purpose to it, and if Preston’s overheard conversation between the goddesses Ayla and Raelin was to be believed, the Questing Stones were in danger.

Eve supposed of all people, the Man of the Mists could probably destroy them if he wanted.  Or, she reasoned, maybe the Stones counted the threat to humanity as a threat to them. Whichever it was, whatever reason the Questing Stones had for sending her on such a convoluted quest, one fact stood paramount.

The Stones had purposefully put this muffin-man-hybrid in her way, and now somebody was going to die. She resented them for that.

“I hope you’ll understand,” the Muffin Man said, “but I can’t have anyone revealing my true nature to the authorities. Bad for business.” He swung his hand forward in a sharp gesture, and the wall of ovens behind him all flung open at once. Muffins began to flow from each of them.

Do you want me to—

“I swear to Ayla, Bandir, and any other god that will listen if you steal my exp I will end you,” Eve cut her off.

Okay. You’re on your own, Lumy sent.

“You fool!” the Muffin Man bellowed. “You dare challenge me here, at the seat of my power?” A hurricane of muffins swept from the ovens, whirling through the air around the mad researcher. “Soon, they’ll all know the incomparable beauty of my muffins! They’ll see the frailty of the human form, and understand that the only way to overcome our inherent weakness, is to embrace the muffin! Now—” He paused, the muffins coming together midair in the form of two massive arms ready to strike. “Prepare to meet your muff-end!”

Eve snorted. “Muff-end? Are you sure you and Wes aren’t related?”

“Who?”

“Nevermind.” Eve exhaled. “Let’s get this over with.”

“If by ‘this’ you mean your life, then certainly!” the Muffin Man continued his monologuing. “Those fools at the academy were always so shortsighted. They never believed that muffins would be the key to ultimate power. I’ll show them. Once I’ve killed you, there’ll be nobody to stand in my way! Nobody to stop me from bringing muffiny doom to those wretches above! This city shall be—”

Eve smashed his head in with a single swing of her club.

You have defeated Level 82 The Muffin Man: +1.2m exp!

Lumy flashed purple. Well, that was anticlimactic.

Eve set her long list of notifications aside long enough to reply. “There’s no telling how long he was going prattle before actually attacking us. For all we know, he was stalling while he gathered strength. Better to wrap things up quickly.”

“Gods damnit!” a voice from behind Eve shouted. She turned to find Alex standing in the entryway, Preston close behind her.

And killing him quickly just so happened to mean you finished before the others could arrive, Lumy sent.

“Fair’s fair,” Eve said, gloating over the fallen Muffin Man. “I won, now pay up.”

Preston scratched his head. “Pay up what? We never agreed on a prize.”

Eve smiled innocently. “I guess you’ll just have to come up with something.”

Alex exhaled. “You want scones, don’t you?”

Eve said nothing.

Alex rolled her eyes. “You realize this flour shortage doesn’t just affect bread, right? There probably isn’t a single scone in all of Pyrindel.”

Eve’s eyes shot open. “Shit. It’s a good thing I put an end to this muffin bullshit then. Everybody knows scones are the superior pastry.”

Preston raised an eyebrow at her. “Didn’t you eat eight muffins today?”

“That was research! I had to make sure there was nothing special about them and that they all came from the same place!”

Alex sighed. “Tell me you at least got the milestone. I don’t think I have it in me to go down another one of your bread rabbit holes.”

Eve flashed a wicked grin as she bought up the first of her notifications.

Legendary Quest Milestone Reached: Free Pyrindel From The Muffin Man’s Tyranny!
+ 17.152t exp!

Level Up!

“Mission accomplished,” Eve said, stepping away from the Muffin Man’s corpse towards the exit. “Now let’s get someplace marginally less disgusting and we can talk about plans.” She did a quick scan of her notifications before stopping and turning to the others.

“Looks like I’ve got some decisions to make.”