This Quest is Bullshit - Chapter 159

Chapter 159 - There’s a Wayo

Are you sure this is a good idea? Lumy asked as Eve walked with purpose to the closest restaurant.

“Of course it is,” Eve replied. “All my ideas are good ideas.”

The fact that you think that explains so many things, Lumy sent, but as I mentioned earlier, I’m not an accredited psychiatrist. She flashed red. My point is that Dave warned us their tastes might be different than yours. These same hundred minds have cooking for each other for centuries. To keep things interesting enough to be worth having restaurants in the first place, their food has probably gotten weird.

“All the more reason to try it. Worst case scenario I have an unsatisfactory meal.”

Worst case scenario you offend on of the hive minds.

“I’ll be nice,” Eve said, pushing open the door to an eatery called Lake’s Bounty. Given the nature of their usual clientele, there was no host stand or maitre d’ waiting to show them to a table. Instead a Zandith dressed as a waiter waved them over and sat them down. Moments later he returned with a dish hidden under a metal cloche.

“Your majesty,” he greeted her. “I’m Ricky, and it’s an honor to host you at my humble establishment.” He placed the covered dish in front of her. “I have for you today a more rustic take on the traditional trotia tartare, served in its purest form to allow the exquisite flavor I’ve built over two hundred generations of selective breeding to shine through unblemished. My subaquatic farm enchantments filter any toxins or contaminants out of the water before the animal can even smell them, creating my uniquely pristine profile. I hope you enjoy.” In a single motion, he whipped off the cloche and twirled away, leave Eve and Lumy alone at the table.

Eve looked down at the dish before her.

Lumy twinkled blue in a fit of laughter that rang through Eve’s mind.

Eve bit her lip. “It’s a dead fish.”

Lumy was laughing too hard to reply.

Eve blinked. “It’s literally just… a dead fish on a plate.” She ran a finger along the ceramic dish, bringing the clear liquid that came off up to her nose. “It’s still got lake water on it.”

Trotia—a type of fish apparently either only native to that particular lake or created entirely by those two hundred years of selective breeding Ricky had mentioned—were about nine inches long, four across, and bursting at the seams with fat and muscle. The thing’s scales glimmered in the candlelight of the restaurant. Its eye seemed to stare at her.

Lumy finally managed to collect herself enough to say something. At least you know it’s fresh.

Five minutes ago it was flopping around! Eve sent back, moving her half of the conversation to telepathy to avoid being too rude.

I guess this explains those weird teeth they have, Lumy sent. Long and thin is perfect for getting in between the fish bones.

Not helpful, Eve snapped. What do I do?

You eat it, Lumy replied. Remember, you signed up for this.

I signed up for a cooked meal, maybe something weird and esoteric, but not an unseasoned, uncooked, literal dead fish on a plate.

It’s not gonna hurt you, Lumy sent. It could be literally poisoned and it wouldn’t hurt you. Just eat it.

Eve grit her teeth, raised her fork and knife, and stared down at the fish. The fish stared back at her. She glanced left. She glanced right.

In a quick, jerky motion, Eve placed a hand on the dead trotia and stored it in Ar-gold crown.

That’s not eating it, Lumy sent.

I’ll deal with it later, Eve replied, fishing a gold coin from her pocket to drastically overpay for the meal. Nobody saw me.

And you think they’re not going to question that you ate the entire thing, bones and all?

Eve shrugged, pushing herself to her feet and walked across the restaurant towards the exit. They might wonder, but I doubt they’ll ask. It’d be rude. Besides, they don’t know how I eat. I doubt they’ve met any other physical manifestations of pure Mana, and honestly, I probably could digest that whole thing, bones and all. I just don’t want to.

Lumy flashed an aggravated red and replied with her best approximation of a long suffering sigh.

Eve considered that a victory.

From there, the pair whiled away the next several hours wandering the twisting streets beneath the crystal willow. Azure lines climbed up the tree’s massive trunk in spiral patterns, reemitting some of the light the crystal leaves had absorbed over the course of the day. As a result, the city at night glowed a cool blue, a calm if alien atmosphere that fit rather well with the strange nature of its denizens.

The barest sliver of sunrise had just crested the horizon when a male Zandith approached Eve with a friendly smile.

“Good morning, your majesty. I’m Annie. I understand you’re interested in a tour of my bank?”

It took Eve a moment to parse the masculine voice introducing itself as ‘Annie’ before realizing that of course each hive mind would have both male and female drones. “Yes,” she eventually said. “I’d love to.”

The Zandith clapped his hands together. “Excellent. Please, come with me.”

——

“The protective enchantments were originally placed to stop creatures from the cave system below from entering the city,” Annie explained as they stopped outside an unassuming two-story brick structure. Above the door it read ‘First Bank of The Crystal Willow’ in brown paint. “In exchange for taking over custodianship of the building, Edgar—its previous manager—agreed to let me experiment a bit with the enchantments themselves. Adapting them to include a locking section was all it took to establish my first vault. I’ve built three so far.”

As the drone guided them into the building itself, Annie explained the process the hive minds used to store their money or other valuables in the bank, paying a flat fee for deposit boxes or generating interest on loanable funds. She offered Eve free storage of whatever valuable item she came to stash if she kept an active account balance of a hundred gold. Eve simply smiled and said she’d consider it. She already knew a safe deposit box wouldn’t satisfy her quest to hide the eldritch ring.

She had a different idea.

“Tell me about this cave system.”

“I don’t know much,” Annie explained. “The caves themselves predate the first drone to arrive under the willow, and the defensive enchantments have been here since before I developed my autonomy.”

Eve nodded. “But the enchantments are powerful enough to build a bank around?”

“Absolutely,” Annie said. “Some of the creatures down there are dangerously powerful, and those are just the one’s I’ve seen. The enchantments have proven more than capable of keeping them out.”

Eve blinked. “You haven’t explored the caves?”

“I’ve lost over a hundred drones over the past century or so trying. The monsters within are far beyond my level.”

“What kind of monsters are they? Do you know what level they are?”

The drone shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t know the exact level. Anything above fifty is beyond me. As for their kind… the form varies, but they’re all undead. Skeletal, zombified, desiccated, you name it. Just last week a wight of a giant rock worm rammed into the enchantments for an hour before giving up.”

Ugh, I hate undead, Lumy sent.

Eve furrowed her brow. “Where are they coming from? I mean, corpses, obviously, but what’s reanimating them?”

Annie shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. Likely better, given your experience.”

“Probably a necromancer down there somewhere,” Eve reasoned. “Think I can take a look? Could probably clear him out for you.” Truth be told, Eve had no idea if she could clear out whatever was raising those undead, necromancer or otherwise, but she wasn’t about to tell Annie that.

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible,” came the reply. “The caves are sealed off for good reason, and I can’t permit any sort of breach.”

Eve scowled. “Can I at least see it? I might be able to pick up on a clue that you missed, what with my expertise in the field and all.”

Really playing the ‘adventurer’ card heavy here, aren’t you? Lumy sent.

It’s working, isn’t it? Eve sent back.

Annie paused for a moment a she considered Eve’s request. Eve could tell the hive mind didn’t want to let the tour derail any more than it already had. She could only hope Annie valued appeasing a potential customer more than her meticulously planned sales pitch.

“I apologize,” Annie eventually said, “but the lower level is off limits to visitors. Now, if you’ll please follow me towards our main vault…” She gestured Eve forward, walking at her side as if to keep an eye on her as she led the Defiant through the bank’s upper level. As well as the hive mind watched Eve, however, she seemed to miss the strange floating lights that followed her around as they passed right through the floor.

I’ll be right back, Lumy sent.

Eve simply smiled.

She played the part of the discerning customer as Annie guided her through the three-foot-thick steel vault door, explaining the various security measures as she went. Acting engaged came easy.

While the details of how Annie had coopted some of the cave enchantments to run her bank vaults didn’t interest Eve in the slightest, the concept of what types of things the Zandith kept in safe deposit boxes kept her mind running wild. Apparently daydreaming about what hive minds found valuable looked an awful lot like weighing the merits of one particular pick-resistant lock design over another.

The tour came to an end back in the lobby, an open room with only a single clerk. Since the various hive minds were all constantly communicating with each other anyway, one drone was all Annie needed to make sure any potential visitor had a point of contact.

“Your welcome to stay beneath the willow as long as you’d like,” Annie wrapped things up. “I hope you’ve found my facilities here as grand as our great city.”

Eve nodded. “You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about,” she said, keeping her reply as vague as she could. “Thank you for taking the time to show me around. I have to say, I was concerned about the security hole an open unexplored cave system represents, but if your enchantments are as powerful as they seem, I’m sure it’s fine.”

The drone smiled. “Rest assured, in the centuries we’ve inhabited the crystal willow, nothing has ever breached the seal on those caves, not without my express intent.”

“Good.” Eve extended a hand. “I think we’ll be seeing each other again soon.”

They shook. The Zandith’s hand felt moist to the touch. “We certainly will. I have over eight hundred drones around the city. If you ever have any questions, don’t hesitate to approach any of them.”

With a final thanks, Eve turned and departed the bank, leaving Annie’s drone to watch her go. It wasn’t until she’d turned the corner onto a side street that a certain phantasmal remnant rose up through the ground.

“Did you find it?” Eve asked.

I did, Lumy answered. It’s two levels down. You’ll have to get past two sets of steel doors and a secondary enchantment before you can even see the cave entrance.

“The doors will be a problem,” Eve muttered. “Not to get past,” she corrected, “I’d just hoped to get in and out without any property damage.”

Are you sure you wanna do this? I can think of eight ways this can go wrong just off the top of my head.

“It’ll be fine,” Eve insisted. “We’ll take the rest of the day to plan, then go once it’s dark.”

Lumy sighed.

Eve flashed a shit-eating grin.

“I’ve always wanted to rob a bank.”

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