38-56

Chapter 56: My Choice 

I kept beating around the bush. I was once again reminded how difficult it is to start a conversation like this. My wife looked at my face, seeming to wonder what the real purpose of this talk was. 

“Why are you suddenly bringing this up? Don’t beat around the bush-just say what you want to say.” 

I flinched. I wondered if she could tell that I knew about her and Ho-cheol, so I lowered my head to hide my eyes. 

“I want to know if you’re truly opening your heart and trying to assimilate with these people, or if you’re just pretending. If you really mean it, I don’t understand why it’s necessary. We’re just here to explore, not to settle down. I think it would be better to go back a little early, as soon as we’ve gotten what we came for, and return to our lives as soon as possible.” 

My wife just looked at my face in silence. I continued. 

“We have our own lives. Don’t you think it’s a waste to spend so much time here? What’s so important about assimilating with these people? This isn’t your only research project. I need to prepare for my new life when we get back…” 

As I said this, I realized I’d made a mistake. My wife nodded. 

“So that’s it. You want to go back quickly to become a ‘professor.’ That’s why you just want to wrap this up and leave?” 

I replied, flustered without even realizing it. 

“N-no, that’s not it. What I mean is…” 

My wife raised her hand, her chest bouncing as she did. 

“I know how much you wanted to become a professor. I know how important it is to you. But I didn’t think you came here just for that. Because I thought you understood how sincere I am about this research.” 

She paused, then looked at me very seriously. When she gets serious like this, her face is a little scary. She spoke firmly. 

“I’ll tell you clearly. I really want to understand these people’s ideals and thoughts. Not just what they say, but what they truly feel and think. That’s why I’ve opened my heart completely and am doing my best to become one with them. While I’m here, I really intend to live as a member of this tribe. I want to meet the ‘white angel’ they talk about, too.” 

Her tone was so forceful that I couldn’t say anything in response. 

“I can’t force you to try to become one with them like I am. That’s your own idea and ideal. But let me tell you one thing. The reason I was able to stay here so long is because of my father’s support. And his support came with a condition: that you would stay by my side. I hoped you would share my thoughts, but even if you didn’t, I wanted you to at least try. And I had no doubt you would. That’s why I tried to arrange a gift to fill the gap in your career. That’s the professor position.” 

I just stared blankly at her now-intense eyes. 

“This is how I feel, and I have no intention of changing my mind. I won’t adjust the schedule to go back early, either. So you have to choose. I won’t demand you think the same as I do, but at least while we’re here, try to open your heart, or at least pretend to. And don’t try to interfere with or stop what I do. If you really can’t do that, or refuse to, then go back alone. But if you do, my father will reconsider what he promised you. The promise will be broken.” 

It was terrifying. What I’d spent my whole life chasing was almost in my grasp, only to slip away. I couldn’t answer right away. In my mind, I could only see images of my fantasy of being a professor, and the miserable image of that fantasy shattering. 

My wife stood up and walked toward the village entrance without another word. Even as I watched her walk away, all I could think about was myself. My wife, my dream-everything was important. I couldn’t just stand by and watch her act out here, but I couldn’t give up my lifelong dream of becoming a professor, either. 

If I gave up the professorship, I wouldn’t be the only one hurt. My wife’s research would be in jeopardy, and her dream would be shattered, too. Could we just go on as if nothing had happened after our dreams were broken? Probably not. Our marriage would likely fall apart as well. So what could I choose, and what could I endure? 

In the end, my only real option was clear. I had to open my heart to these people, as my wife said. Or at least pretend to. Even if it was selfish, I didn’t want to let go of my lifelong dream so easily. 

If I made that choice, at least outwardly, I would have to assimilate with them and accept their way of life. That meant I could no longer assert or exercise my rights as a husband here. That, too, was hard to bear. Who knew what my wife would do from now on? And I would have to endure it all alone. Is that really what it means to be a married couple? Could we go back to our world and live as if nothing happened? 

I sat there for a long time. I couldn’t make a decision easily. Everything was just too difficult. As time passed, the balance in my mind shifted little by little. I couldn’t give up my future so easily. My marriage was important, but so was the status that would let me pursue the scholarship I’d devoted my life to. The hardships of graduate school came flooding back like waves. 

I stood up. Fine… just one year. Maybe two. I can erase it from my life. Then I can keep my lifelong dream and my family. The moment I leave this place, I’ll forget everything that happened here. I’ll erase it from my memory forever. 

Even so, I didn’t feel good. I couldn’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be human. I walked into the village with my head down and shoulders slumped. 

When I got home, only Soo-hyuk was waiting for me. He jumped up when he saw me. 

“What’s going on? The shaman came by and said to come see her with you when you got back.” 

I nodded and looked at Soo-hyuk. He looked at me curiously, and I spoke in a weak voice. 

“Doctor, are you also trying to open your heart to these people and assimilate? Is that what you see as the purpose of this expedition-to feel and understand their thoughts and philosophy?” 

Soo-hyuk looked a bit surprised at my sudden question, then replied, 

“That’s what I thought when I came. And I’m already doing it. But it’s not easy to synchronize with them overnight. Still, I try every day.” 

I realized, just as the shaman said, that I was the only one who had closed his heart. Soo-hyuk continued, 

“I was already sick of life in Korea, especially academic life. I was looking for new meaning in life. Then I met Professor Hyun, and I was moved by her passion. So I started helping with her research, and I began to feel the charm of this tribe. To be honest, I’m more curious about their faith than the people themselves. I want to know why they believe so firmly in something that may or may not exist. So I decided to try to find out for myself. For that, this tribe is a great gateway. If only I could read their minds, it would be a bit easier.” 

Soo-hyuk laughed innocently. I thought how nice it would be to live as simply and purely as he did. I nodded and said, 

“Okay. Let’s go together to the shaman.” 

Soo-hyuk and I went to find the shaman. When we entered the chief’s house, the shaman was sitting alone, cross-legged, with her eyes closed. Soo-hyuk went up to her and coughed to announce our presence. The shaman didn’t seem surprised at all, and slowly opened her eyes, looking back and forth between us.