tedsteel

4.5 - Mentality

26.

Date: Monday 27 February, 2023

Purpose of Form: UEFA C Licence Session Report

Candidate Name: Max Best

Coach Developer: Michelle Lomas

Participants: Darlington FC Under Twelves

Session Goals:

Creating and exploiting overloads in and around the penalty box.

Session Plan:

Max has prepared a highly detailed lesson plan entitled 'The Art of Slapping', which includes contingencies for having too many and too few partic...

4.4 - The Ninety-Minute Work Week

25.

Saturday 25th February

I met Emma at Bradford Interchange and we drove to Horsfall Stadium, home of Bradford (Park Avenue), my favourite team that includes brackets in their name. I asked for help, and Emma used some brackets of her own in the form of a mumbled disclaimer.

"Absolutely. Of course. (My advice is for informational and entertainment purposes only and I cannot be held liable for damages arising from its use.) What's up?"

"I don't know if I'm doing the r...

4.3 - Puddington Pirates

24.

From a marketing point of view, I'd chosen an incredible week to become a professional rugby player. On Sunday, my beloved Darlington RFC were due to play at home to their fiercest rivals Hartlepool, known as Pools.

Of course, if we consider this little adventure's impact on my football career... the timing wasn't great. But then again, I'm pretty sure everything that happened only happened because instead of grinding and using Playdar, I spent three and a ha...

4.2 - Judgement Day

23.

Extract from the unedited transcript of the Chester Fans Trust Mid-Season Forum dated Wednesday, 1st February.

Those present include DoF, MD, first team manager, Board members (Bulldog, Sean, Ollie, Barnesy, Ruth), Club Secretary.

Not for distribution. NOT for distribution.

.

Club Secretary: Moving on... item two, review of transfer dealings.

Sean: On a point of order, Mister Chairman.

Club Secretary: Go ahead, Sean. 2023-06-16 07:54:09 +0000 UTC View Post

4.1 - Slam Dunk

22.

Football glossary: To slam shut. Opposite of 'to open'. According to the Sky Sports in-house style guide, the transfer window must always SLAM shut. In the real world, there are many ways to close a window. Slowly and one-handed from a crouching position so your neighbours don't notice that you've been spying on them. Quickly, because you just threw an insect out. Or passive aggressively, because someone on the train has started smoking. But in the world of football, windows can onl...

3.21 - The Wizard of Us

21.

The Wizard of Us

by B. Alban

reprinted with kind permission of aggreg8tr.com, the world's fastest-growing soccer site. Visit aggreg8tr.com for all the latest transfer rumors. Who is your team going to sign?

30 Minute Read

***

Max Best likes movies.

"The Wizard of Oz had eleven writers," he tells me, bouncing on his heels like one of the youths in his charge. "Imagine the chaos! A little idea from here, one from there. ...

3.20 - Das Tournament

20.

The youth team training sessions were almost as good as the first team's. Vimsy had volunteered to take them, with Terry as his assistant, so that Spectrum could rest before the big weekend.

The 16s still lacked quality, with Kian and Vivek the two best players. I was beyond relieved to see that Vivek's CA had finally hit 2. It had taken far too long, but now his own progression fantasy had really begun. While his mini-team were off the pitch during one of the drills, I took h...

3.19 - Playdar

GUYS I FINISHED BOOK 3 and the Club Legends are letting me have a day off. You get this today (whoo) but this Friday there won't be a chapter (to bring schedules back into balance). People loved the end of b3 so I hope you'll agree it's worth the wait!

...

19.

Another sleepless night, but this time it wasn't caused by the pain of an injury or worrying that I'd made a fool of myself. This was pure excitement. Emma sensed that I was hyper and did her best...

3.18 - As It Was

18.

"Sorry for barging in. What's this you're doing?"

"I'm doing a no glitch 112% Hollow Knight speedrun."

"Wow. Is that what I sound like when I talk about underlapping full-backs?"

"Probably." Sumo chuckled. I think he was really happy I was there, even if I was messing up his stream. "I know what an underlapping full-back is, though. I did it to you when we played FIFA. You didn't notice."

"Okay, you're good at games. I get it." I watched as he mashed a keyboa...

3.17 - Culture

17.

Football glossary: cultured left foot. Reference to an aesthetically-pleasing left-footed player whose ability to curve a pass around a defender is the closest most football fans get to watching live ballet. 'He struck the free-kick with that cultured left foot of his'. Please note right feet are never cultured. Hey, I don't make the rules.

***

I had a restless night, and didn't sleep much. I'm not sure when it happened, but I'd convinced myself that the curse had given ...

3.16 - Inverting the Pyramid

16.

Football glossary: Inverting the Pyramid. The seminal tactics book by Jonathan Wilson, in which he tracks the evolution of football formations from the pyramid-shaped 2-3-5 to the modern 5-3-2. Which is also a pyramid, but, you know... inverted. It's the first book Coach Beard reads in Ted Lasso.

***

I was tempted to get stuck in straight away, to start giving orders, start fixing things. Old Max would have done just that. But this tournament was the team's big ...

3.15 - A Glimpse of the Beloved

15.

All I expected from Saturday was a colossal injection of experience points, but the day gave me that and more.

I'd decided to hit the Championship, the division below the Premier League, because I hadn't scouted that level yet, and because with a bit of fast driving I could make two matches in one day. I wouldn't find any players we could buy or loan, but six XP per minute across a hundred and eighty minutes would be like buying a jetpack. Up we go! My problem was that I could...

3.14 - Root and Branch

14.

I was plagued by dreams of loneliness and turmoil, only remembering flashes when I threw the covers back and put my feet on the floor. An empty fridge when I was supposed to be hosting a party. The unsmiling, unfriendly faces of my guests - nobody I'd ever met. An inexplicably oppressive atmosphere. Confusion. Why had I invited them? Why couldn't I make them leave?

I plodded downstairs and made a tea. I planned to bring it back to bed and get a few more hours' rest. But I glim...

3.13 - Food Chain

13.

The Premier League. The world's best and best-loved football league. Twenty teams playing each other twice to determine the winner. To win, you need to perform better than Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool. The American equivalent would be winning the Superbowl.

Each season, the top four in the Premier League automatically qualify for next season's Champions League. That's contested by the top teams from all the leagues in Europe. To win that, you'll have to beat the c...

3.12 - Wishlist

12.

***

XP Balance: 5434

Debt repaid: 332/3000

***

Spectrum set the 14s up in a daring 4-2-4, which took us to a two-goal lead. The other team knew Tyson was our danger man, so they overreacted every time the ball went near him. Helpful, but Tyson was still making the same runs. I wanted him to adapt his game to his new de-fanged circumstances. I wanted him to make dummy runs, lead defenders astray, create o...

Blood, Sweat and Tiers

Hi everyone!

Important-ish announcement. Thanks to your support, Player Manager is still going! We're closing in on half a million words. That's bonkers.

Anyway, it's getting hard to keep to my 3 chapters a week schedule even though I'm writing more than ever (mainly because the chapters are getting longer). I'd like to switch to a 2+ model, at least for the summer, so I can keep the quality up. A recent chapter needed loads of rewrites and I thought about the 'deadline' more than...

3.11 - Nothing Odd Will Do Long

11.

The three of us left the stadium and paused in the car park. The thrill of going on a tiny adventure paused while we negotiated the logistics. "What was your plan?" said Ruth.

"Plan?"

"Emma told me you'd be making some grand romantic gesture."

I scoffed. "Did she? Well, maybe." Under the appraising eye of a mature woman, my idea seemed pretty feeble. "Maybe? Maybe. Maybe not." I gestured. "I was going to drive about a minute that way, to the Mercedes Formu...

3.10 - Scenario B

...

10.

I was so in my head, so internal, replaying Pascal's moves, wondering what made him go there and why that made me go there, that it took me ages to get back to the sidelines. It took me almost as long to realise that my girlfriend had her arms around a tiny German starlet. The scene was too bizarre to trigger what might be considered a standard Aggression 20 response. Instead, I sat cross-legged in front of them and waited for clarity.

While still...

3.9 - Goals

9.

Football glossary: Goal. The only method of scoring in association football. Goals are scored when the ball passes the goal line between the posts and under the crossbar.

***

After the pleasant discovery that Pascal existed and recognised my genius, I drove to Chester, where the good news kept coming. Spectrum had valiantly declared himself fit to work, so I supervised him while he coached the 12s and 14s. He very deliberately didn't include any match-like scenarios that ...

3.8 - Space Invaders

8.

After lunch, I moped around for a bit wondering what I'd got myself into. Work was piling up, and I was constantly finding ways to give myself more. Chester needed an injection of money. Of talent. And I wanted to change the culture. Each of these felt like a full-time job.

A tension in my shoulders came and went. I found myself unclenching my jaw every few minutes.

One thing that wasn't helping was the commute from Darlington. I needed a place in Chester. Something bigge...

3.7 - January Sales

7.

The office of the Chester FC manager, 9 am sharp. Behind his desk, in the position of power, doing his usual impression of an Egyptian mummy stolen by the British, Ian Evans. Behind him, leaning against a window, his trusted lieutenant, Vimsy. To the right, on the hard-backed chair, Mike Dean, shooting off one-fingered texts at an impressive rate for a man his age. On the opposite side of the desk, Henri Lyons. The only man in the room looking relaxed. One of the rare times he wore n...

3.6 - Marathon Not a Sprint

6.

Tuesday, 3rd January, 2023

"Fanciful ornamentation in art and furniture originating in 18th century France."

"Pretentiousness."

"Six letters."

"Any crossings?"

"Yellow sauce served on desserts... custard... so six letters, third's a C."

"Rococo."

"Fits. And that gives us crypt going down. How do you know words like Rococo?"

"Agatha Christie books? Lil Nas lyrics? I don't know. Just one of those words you hear or read. I don't know what ...

3.5 - He Bangs the Drums

5.

In 1989 my home town was known as Madchester. It was a drug-fuelled era of dancing, raves, and great tunes. The fridges full of ecstasy are mostly a thing of the past, but the swagger lives on. And so does the music.

As the ref blows his whistle to resume the match, I take a few steps, scanning left and right for enemy weaknesses, deciding what my first line of attack will be. My mission: destroy Scarborough by making high-percentage decisions as part of a well-balanced, well-d...

3.4 - Flamingo Land

4.

Monday 2nd Jan, 2023

A two-hour trip to North Yorkshire through some of the ugliest and most beautiful parts of the country.

Junior was next to me on the team bus, asking what it was like at Chester and didn't it feel weird that I was going to play for Darlington today?

"The only weird thing is Cutter didn't pick me against Scarborough on Boxing Day," I said. "And you chumps lost three-two. There's stubborn, there's very stubborn, and there's Cutter."

"I don't...

3.3 - Seven Funerals and a Wedding

3.

My appearance on Seals Live has lit a fuse and the Chester fans are the powder keg. Their team are 18th - a mere three places above the relegation zone. They are playing diabolical, drab, defensive football. October's thrilling FA Cup qualifier against Oldham feels like a tale handed down from a bygone age. My offer of a brighter future has opened old wounds and created new ones. I am a big shiny red bus with an optimistic slogan painted on the side, driving around, splitting familie...

3.2 - Seals Live

2.

Boggy was in his 40s, average height, slim, tidy beard, glasses. My sense of him was that he'd had some media training in his youth, or had studied journalism, but it hadn't quite worked out for him as a career. So volunteering to narrate the Chester matches kept the old flame alive and gave him some status in the fanbase. I listened to him for a few minutes before I invaded his space. He was biased in the sense that he wanted Chester to win, but not to the extent that he'...

3.1 - Crackers

Season 2022/23 - The Third Half

Books 1 and 2 Recap

"Max did some stuff."

***

“Famous quote that turns out to be incredibly thematic and you only realised it on re-read.” Einstein Maybe

***

1.

Monday, December 26th, 2022

The day after Christmas is Boxing Day.

It's called Boxing Day because there's no boxing but there’s loads of football.

Football?

While the sensible German lea...

2.45 - Epilogue

45.

I was mashed. Decision fatigue. Overstimulation. Too much football. Too much progress.

Or maybe just too much champagne.

Emma took the car keys and I fell into the passenger seat.

She concentrated until we got onto the M56. Those ten minutes were good for me. Regenerative.

My car's heating was having one of those days when it didn't want to work too hard. Emma had her Broughton beanie on. Blonde hair poked out. She pushed a few strands away and glanced at me....

2.44 - Max Loses Big (Part 3 of 3)

44.

At the final whistle, the kids ran around shaking hands with their defeated foes. I supposed I had to do the same with my equivalent, if only to be a role model. So I pottered over and offered a handshake to Spectrum. He took it in silence. The formalities have been observed!

Then while the Chester mob gathered their gear and trudged away, our kids ran over to the technical area to start the real celebrations.

"Go in the middle," I said, waving them back onto the pitch. ...

2.43. Max Best Wins It All (Part 2 of 20)

43.

My match overview screen read: Broughton Under 14s versus Chester Under 14s.

I had my in-vision clock, but for the sake of seeming like a real boy I suggested Emma set a 35-minute timer.

"35?" she said.

"Matches are seventy minutes in this league," I said. "They should make it shorter today because the pitch is so big, but you can't expect anyone in football to actually use their brain."

"Except you."

"Right. But it's good news. We've got loads of subs ...