tedsteel

1.56 - Chester Knights

Double-sized bumper chapter! Roar! Thanks for your support.

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56.

Football glossary: The Treble. In most countries, the best thing a team can do is win 'the treble'. This involves winning the three most important trophies: the national league, the major domestic cup, and the Champions League. Manchester United won The Treble in 1999. Liverpool say they won The Treble in 1984, but historians are baffled by the claim since Everton won the FA Cup that year...

1.55 - Chester Nights

55.

The game ended Chester 0 Darlington 1.

Darlington had the better players but ensured the match stayed as a boring war of attrition. The one moment of quality in the game came from their CA 50 striker, who bullied a Chester defender and gave himself the chance to dribble forward and smash the ball into the net.

In my opinion, the whole second half was utterly tedious. And, since I'd diagnosed Darlington's plan after 15 minutes, utterly preventable.

I just...

1.54 - Bizarre Rants

54.

As we neared half-time, Jackie was suddenly talking into his phone. He'd had it on vibrate instead of being obnoxious. Plus 10 relationship points!

His tone was... hard to read, but he kept glancing at me as he said things like 'oh?' and 'how long?' I knew instantly what was up. Someone at FC United had picked up an injury and now they needed Ziggy!

It wasn't long until he pressed a button on his screen and placed the phone down. He cleared his throat.

"...

1.53 - Talented Youngsters

53.

Jackie and another dude came into my little room. Jackie took the swivel chair to my left while the other guy flipped down a little seat built into the wall and sat there. Obviously not planning to stay for long.

"How you getting on, Max?"

"Great," I said. "I love being abandoned in other countries when I haven't brought my passport."

"This is Mike," said Jackie.

I shook hands with Mike. If I had to guess I would have said he was 42 years and 122 d...

1.52 - Sexy Beast

52.

It was a relief having some time alone, and deciphering and filling in the match report was a fun challenge. But my mind kept wandering. Kept returning to the same, distressing revelation.

Whether overnight or slowly over time, the curse had turned me into a footballer. I hadn't woken up with an 8-pack. I didn't suddenly have giant Magnus Evergreen-style arms or Roberto Carlos thunder thighs. But I was faster and stronger than I'd ever been. Plus, based on the match...

1.51 - Medical Devices

51.

What do I have in common with Lionel Messi (7x Ballon D'Or winner)?

What do I have in common with Ryan Giggs (13x Premier League winner)?

What do I have in common with the American striker Jozy Altidore (2 goals in 70 Premier League games)?

We've all had a football medical.

That's right, kids. I had a medical. I underwent a medical.

Medicals are the tests clubs do with players before they sign them. You've seen the photos. You've see...

1.50 - Chester Zoo

50.

On the way to Wrexham, we stopped off in Chester. I'd never been there before. Pretty much the only things I knew about it were that Jackie had played for them a few years before and that it had a big zoo. When we left the motorway and it became clear we were going into the city itself, I looked it up on Wikipedia. Population 80,000. Cathedral, castle, city walls. One of those places.

The outskirts were very green. Large, empty fields, big, lush trees. We d...

1.49 - Detours

49.

One does not simply walk into Mordor. And one does not simply drive into Liverpool.

"I need a break," I said.

"What?"

"My leg hurts. I need to potter around a bit. Stretch." The truth: I wanted to mentally prepare for the ordeal. What was the population of Liverpool? 800,000? 8 million? All sounding like Jackie. All with knowing smiles. All bringing every conversation round to The Beatles. "What's your favourite band, Jackie?"

"Arcade Fire."

...

1.48 - Passenger

48.

Football glossary: Passenger. A player who sits back while his teammates do all the work. Used unfairly to describe Mesut Özil from 2016-2017. Used fairly to describe Mesut Özil from 2018 to 2022.

Saturday, October 8th

Heavy knocks on the front door. I was ready, sort of. I'd woken up early, got dressed, prepared a little go-bag, then popped some pills and crashed back onto the bed.

More knocks.

"I'm coming, you dick. Kin 'ell...

1.47 - Painkillers

47.

Watching me and Raffi did something to Graham. Instead of trying to do insane video game tricks every time he got the ball, he got simple. Simple pass, move into space, track back. Don't overcomplicate things. Yes, mate! Yes!

I walked past Raffi and murmured, "Let's see if we can get these guys on the scoresheet, yeah?"

"Aight."

And that's how we played the next five minutes. There was a lot of dribbling towards the sides of the pitch to attract defender...

1.46 - Soulmates

46.

Brandy is borderline disgusting, but it's what heroes drink in action movies when they've taken damage and want to keep fighting. My situation was more complicated - I wanted to get on my feet and watch the rest of the first half, but I needed to keep my foot elevated. So I lay there, head on the disgusting passageway, listening to the match, smelling the scene. Down at foot level it was all artificial smells - container ship plastic and deodorant spray and spilled Powera...

1.45 - The Hospital Pass

45.

Football glossary: Hospital Pass. When a teammate passes the ball to you in such a way that you are likely to be clobbered by someone on the other team.

***

On Thursday I went to pick Raffi up. He had a surprise for me.

"This is Shona," he said, as I fist bumped his wife. "And you know Serina." His little girl, all wrapped up like a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in the crook of his arm. Shona wasn't what I would have expected. She was plus-size, had a big, r...

1.44 - Landing on Green

44.

Raffi Brown. A few weeks before, he had been my dream client, and to some extent my dream footballer. I loved how he played. Now, he was... let's say he was PG Tips. My favourite brand of tea... until someone gave me a cup of Yorkshire Gold. Seeing James with his high PA and perfect position/skillset match had led to a big recalibration of Raffi's value.

But still - he would become a good Championship (tier 2) player and maybe his team would get promoted and he woul...

1.43 - Making History

43.

After a little stroll where I rehearsed the Kisi sales pitch - She's fast! She's dynamic! She's motivated! - I went back to my car and turned my phone on. Ziggy had sent a few texts that I didn't understand. They didn't seem to be taunts. I called him.

"Max! Where've you been?" He was hyper. It sounded like he was bouncing around some enclosed space. For a second I worried he'd been arrested and was hoping I'd bail him out.

"I was with my new client,"...

1.42 - Mind the Gap

42.

"So, James. Youngster." I felt one side of my mouth lifting up. I didn't have high hopes for this contest, but I wanted to enjoy it, at least. "You have decided to sign the contract and want to discuss which team you'll start at."

James looked a bit panicked. "Ah, no, Mr Best." His mother made a noise inside her throat, and James switched his attention to her. His anxiety became a smile. "Oh. You're teasing me. You're teasing me because..." He peered at me, trying t...

1.41 - The Manchester Derby

41.

The ulcer dude was so furious with me he didn't retake his seat. He must have fucked off somewhere else and watched from there, quietly fuming. I'd be lying if I said that brought me no joy.

The second half was more of the same - Oldham playing out of their skin, Wrexham struggling. But then the defender who'd made the mistake for Oldham's goal scored the equaliser. This happened so often in football. Redemption. Zero to hero. The Shakespeare bit.

Then Wrexham got a pena...

1.40 - Oldham Athletic

40.

My seat was a normal plastic fold-up deal, like every other one in the stadium, but there was a nice open space behind it that made it seem more premium. It made me think of those headstones that are set apart in a graveyard. That guy, you think, must have been a big deal. The view was great, too. Just to the right of the half-way line, not so low that my view was blocked, not so high that I had to walk up loads of stairs like a pleb. Bury me here and I promise not to haunt...

1.39 - Shocktober

39.

Saturday October 1st

Didn't murder my friends but I did murder a couple of pints. Woke up feeling really happy. At one with the universe. Not thinking about grinding and hustling, just enjoying the morning for what it was. Nice cup of tea. Toast where the butter melted absolutely perfect. Then a short walk to the shops - not because I needed anything but just to be outside and see a couple of trees and clouds and birds.

I had new cursemails, but I didn't open them right ...

1.38 - Five Goals in Six Minutes

38.

Six minutes to go. Still ahead by four. But the clock starting to drag. Time stretching. Maybe the City coach had her own curse with her own perks. 'Fergie Time,' perhaps, named after the legendary Man U manager who won so, so many games with late, late goals.

And City scoring five goals in six minutes was more than possible. We were all past our limits. Lula was struggling to get a tune out of her body. Nobby's head was bobbing up and down like she'd been in a mosh pit a coup...

1.37 - A Blue Wave

37.

We hadn't talked tactics, but so hyped were the players that they'd defaulted to the false midfield formation. 3-0-3. The problem was that City thought we were going to park the bus again, and they'd come out with a ballsy 1-2-3 concept. One defender, the abominable Meghan. Two midfielders, including Sarah Greene. And three forwards, although none of them were particularly formidable in that role.

Basically, City were going for it. Hoo-rah. If you're going to defend, ...

1.36 - The Half-Time Team Talk

36.

Jane in goal, alert in the D, the white, painted curve that defined the area where she was allowed to handle the ball. Six Beth Heads on patrol. Six rumbling, trundling forts forcing City players to go sideways and around. Tower defence on easy mode. The Maginot Line. None shall pass.

Beth defaulted to the right-hand side, where she'd been playing, but I moved her into the centre so that her aura would envelop everyone.

City passed the ball around for a couple of minutes...

1.35 - Free Hit

35.

One of the reasons I wanted to use the Bench Boost perk in this game was the fact that it was rolling subs. Normally, in professional games you could bring on 3 substitutes and you'd do so with 20 minutes to go. (It had been bumped up to 5 subs for the 2022/23 season, but I wasn't sure if that would be permanent or if it would revert to 3.) In short, the Bench Boost would have a nice impact at the end of one match. Great. Good to have.

But in this game, where the players kept ...

1.34 - Manchester City Under 16s

I didn't enjoy work that Friday. I spent the whole day feeling like I'd seen something twisted and grotesque, but I hadn't. Not really. I'd seen some numbers turn red. Simon's leg hadn't actually crumpled. Not visibly, anyway.

But I couldn't shake it off.

I went to the nearest supermarket and looked at their meal deals, but every option turned my stomach. I thought about going home early, but being alone with my thoughts wasn't going to help. After the lunch break, I tried to focu...

1.33 - The Beautiful Game

33.

"I dedicate this book to all the people who have made this great game the Beautiful Game." The autobiography of Pele (who won the World Cup a record 3 times with Brazil).

The next morning, I felt a little calmer. It was no good catastrophising about Youngster. Maybe my mistakes would mean I'd have to do twice as much work to get him signed. Or maybe there had never been a chance of him becoming a footballer. Either way, I'd do my best to make it happen. Ful...

1.32 - A Time of Triumph

32.

The Met Heads's starting seven set up in the 2-2-2 formation. Jane - Beth and Nobby - Freyja and Sophia - Lula and Bella. On the other team, mimicking City's 2-3-1 formation: Jackie in goal, Eva and Bex in defence, me, James, and Kisi in midfield, Anna up front.

Excitingly, since I was leading this part of the session, I was holding the whistle. My first time as the whistler! (I had brief fantasies of a monthly perk that let me stop time with a referee's whistle. Max Best, the...

1.31 - The False 9

31.

Football glossary: 'The False 9'. Shirt number 9 was historically given to a tall, strong striker who was good at headers. As tactics evolved, the need for this kind of striker diminished, and some managers virtually eliminated the striker position altogether. A new position emerged - the False 9. This was normally a midfielder pretending to be a striker, but rarely appearing in attack. Having no direct opponent confuses defenders and leaves them with no specific jobs. These bewilde...

1.30 - Shithousery

30.

Football glossary: Shithousery. (Previously known as gamesmanship.) Underhanded conduct aimed at gaining an advantage.

***

Can you blame me for dancing?

James Yalley     

• Born 19.10.2005 (Age 16) 
• Ghanaian/English   
• Acceleration 7
• Bravery 16
• Dribbling 6
• Finishing 5
• Heading 4
• Jumping 4
• Pace 8
• Pass...
  2022-10-11 07:42:38 +0000 UTC View Post

Artwork! Images From You-Know-What

Hi guys. Not sure if this is fun or annoying or what. Please let me know.

When I was writing chapter 27 I was thinking that the Champion Manager screens would be perfect for one of those AI art bots to draw. You know, sort of weird, sometimes hard to look at, a bit unsettling, uncanny valley stuff.

I got help from KittraMcBriar (I'll link to her properly when I post c27 on Royal Road) and these are some of the best ones she came up with. Others had sort of eldritch creatures that ...

1.29 - Max Beth

29.

"Youngster!" said the pastor, full of affection.

There was applause and some pleased leg slapping. A couple of 'hallelujahs' maybe, but that might have been my atheist brain running riot.

My job was done, but there was no way I was leaving the limelight just yet. When it was a bit quieter, I said, "So, where is he?"

"Youngster, stand up," said the pastor.

Over on the right, a teenage boy in a huge suit. Think 'three children in an overcoat pretending to be an...

1.28 - Compare and Contrast

28.

I'd like to start by assuring you that my life got back on an even keel, that the next few days were spent calmly grinding for XP, and that nothing else weird happened.

I'd like to tell you that.

But I can't.

***

The least strange thing was watching Solly interview my guests. Anna was in bed, looking quite weary, but she said she didn't mind a bit of company.

"How do you change him to assessment mode?"

"By asking him, my dear."

I made Beth s...