voiceboss

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 042

CRANE: ENTRY 042

LUCENZO: Wake up, Dottore.

CRANE: Mmm.

LUCENZO: It is time.

CRANE: Hngh… time for what.

LUCENZO: Time to operate.

CRANE: (sigh) … Fine.

(Bolton is already prepared. Out cold. Jon washes his hands, has a mask put on)

CRANE: Extraction of the Amygdala, Dr. Jonathan Crane present. Assisted by Dr. Lucenzo Valentino. Patient is Lyle Bolton. Surgery beginning at <TIME>. Tightening Mayfield clamp. Beginning on left ...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0157

TRS - Casefile #0157 (Me and Mr. Jones)

EDWARD: Look, all I’m saying is “What have I got in my pocket” is NOT a Riddle! That’s just a question! By definition alone, he lost the contest.

(IKKY caws)

EDWARD: I know he had three guesses, but that’s still not fair. It’s just a cop out is all. It’s a matter of… oh. Well… this is different. Why would they put a wall here? He asks, fleeing from an asylum. Good point, Edward. I guess we’re going through...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 041

CRANE: ENTRY 041

CRANE; Hhhngh.

BOLTON: Welcome to the party.

CRANE: What… happened… AUGH… 

BOLTON: Wouldn’t move around too much, Doc. They had you on the table for god knows what.

CRANE: (opens shirt) The fuck…

BOLTON: (whistle) Jesus… they did a number on you.

CRANE: (grunts, getting up) What did you do. HEY! The hell did you do?!

LUCENZO: You have no fear, Dottore. So I need another way to hold your leash. You give...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0156

TRS - Casefile #0156

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: If you, Scarecrow, Joker, and Two-Face were all locked in a room with no weapons, and no observed ventilation system, what would you do?

Well, aren’t you a fan of the Oxford comma - kudos. But no ventilation? I imagine we would find a way out or die, choking on each other’s rancid carbon dioxide. Ugh - what a revolting thought. Now what kind of question are you asking, here? Is this your reality progr...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 040

CRANE: ENTRY 040

(music playing in CRANE’s truck)

CRANE: What are you doin’ here, Jon? Why d’you gotta keep pokin’ your nose in where it don’t belong? Puttin’ your neck out for what? Some asshole who wouldn’t piss on ya if you were on fire. (sigh) Since when did you start doin’ the right thing? No. This ain’t about right or wrong. You don’t get to set foot in my town and start layin’ down the law. You want your fearless world, Lucenzo? Take it from ...

GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 09

CLASSIFIED 09: BODYCAM

(pigs grunting)

BULLOCK: Alright, you two – simple sweep, nothin’ fancy. Keep your eyes out for anything. We’re not gonna get another warrant for this any time soon. 

MORENO: Yes sir.

RIEGER: You got it.

BULLOCK: Alright. Ring it. (Doorbell sounds)

RIEGER: This place gives me the creeps. 

BULLOCK: Yeah, no shit.

(door opens) LUCENZO: Si?

BULLOCK: Lucenzo Valentino. We have a warrant to searc...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0155

TRS - Casefile #0155 

EDWARD: Ogrebanani said: Riddler, good day to you. Only one question for you at the moment: Why turn your vast intellect toward foiling The Batman when there must certainly be larger minds against which to test your mettle?

Believe it or not, this is a question I have often asked myself. In the long ago, at the beginning of my career, I was the only person in the universe, as far as I was concerned. Why should I not do...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 039

CRANE: ENTRY 039

LUCENZO: Welcome, Dottore, to my home.

CRANE: It’s lovely. Very reminiscent of the Old Country.

LUCENZO: Si, gratzi.

CRANE: I brought wine – I assumed red would be fitting.

LUCENZO: Again, gratzi. Please, sit. *claps hands* Braciole di maiale.

CRANE: It looks terrific. Thank you.

LUCENZO: Hmm.

CRANE: Something wrong?

LUCENZO: I notice… I notice you do not make mention of my… experiment. My imperfection. I...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0154

TRS - Casefile #0154

EDWARD: First off, for those of you obsessed with the well-being of Ichabod, she is fine. More than fine. Living in the lap of luxury, were luxury my name. And, since this is TheRiddlerSpeaks and not Jonathan'sBirdSpeaks, I am pleased to inform you that she is currently asleep and thus unable to entertain the masses, leaving me, your eponymous hero, here to enliven and enlighten as usual. (Ikky squawks) Shush. You’re asleep. She talks in her sleep, ...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 038

ENTRY: CRANE - 038

CRANE: I’m not going in blind. I need to know what I’m up against before I put myself in a vulnerable position. Valentino Farm… I really did not want to set foot here. I’m not a superstitious man, but this place is… evil. I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds, but I don’t know how else to say it, you can… feel death here. Can’t exactly walk in through the front door. Hmmm…

(pulls a knife, jimmies open the window)

CRANE: Da...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0153

TRS - Casefile #0153

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: Why choose to be evil? And a-bat-with-justice asks: Why choose to be a villain?

Oh, dear. This sounds like one of those ‘philosophical’ topics, today. Make yourself comfortable, won’t you? Riddler is about to exposit. Let’s begin with the idea of 'evil’. One could assume that evil implies the constant need, or desire, to inflict harm or misadventure on others, for the sake of one’s own gratifi...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 037

CRANE: ENTRY 037

CRANE: Excuse me, excuse me. Oh for Chrissake, YOU.

HENCHMAN: What?

CRANE: Joker. Where is he?

HENCHMAN: Who's askin'?

CRANE: Your worst nightmare.

HENCHMAN: (laughs) Push off, toothpick.

CRANE: (laughs, then grabs him)

HENCHMAN: Hey!

CRANE: Listen here, and listen good. I don't have time for pleasantries so I'll be frank. Tell me where the Joker is, or I will literally scare you to death.

JOKER: (over loud...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0152

TRS - Casefile #0152

EDWARD: Since Jonathan is indisposed and I am honour-bound to take care of dear little Ikky, I shall conduct my affairs from his office. How’s my favourite sentient being? (Ikky squawks) Yes, I can see you’re delighted to see me. Let’s get you out of that awful cage. (flapping wings) I’ll be your lord and master while that bad straw man is away. He left because he doesn’t love you, darling. He abandoned you to your fate and I’m here t...

GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 08

CLASSIFIED 08: BODYCAM

BULLOCK: You two – stay by the door. I want a badge at every entrance, you hear me? You fuck this up and Gordon won’t have the chance to fire you.

ARKHAM: Detective Bullock, what is the meaning of this? 

BULLOCK: Where’s Crane’s office?

ARKHAM: Is this about Bolton? (sigh) Level 1; D Wing. End of the hall.

BULLOCK: Rieger. Lewis. Let’s go.

ARKHAM: George! Get me the Commissioner on the phone this instant!

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 036

CRANE: ENTRY 036  

CRANE: There have been many messages in regard to my well-being, as of late. While I’m flattered y’all care so much, I’m taking all necessary steps to ensure my safety. As I’ve said before, a lack of fear does not denote a lack of caution. I mean, I don’t fear death – but it would be terribly inconvenient. I’ve cancelled all appointments this week, so as to have some time with Valentino’s magnum opus. I admit, I’m at something of a los...

GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 07

CLASSIFIED 07: BODYCAM

(static)

COP: Shouldn’t he be shackled or somethin’?

OLDER COP: This your first transfer?

COP: Yeah.

OLDER COP: Well, Dent don’t need shackles; he ain’t runnin’. Not without – this. We don’t shackle Dent, we don’t shackle Tetch, we don’t shackle Nygma – 

COP: No?

OLDER COP: He just picks ‘em; makes us cuff him again. 

COP: What about uhh… Deathstroke?

OLDER COP: Yeah, he ge...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0151

TRS - Casefile #0151

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: Hi Riddler! I was wondering if you could give us your point of view on what would happen if someone was to mix Doctor Crane’s Fear Gas with the Joker’s Laugh Gas. It’s been a topic at work a lot as of late. And by point of view I mean, the effects. Not that it would be bad. That’s an obvious one. Or do you think the gasses would negate each other?

Not being a chemist myself, I feel this question s...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 035

CRANE: ENTRY 035

CRANE: There have been several questions regarding the effects of Fear Toxin on those in the Autism Spectrum. Organisations such as Autism Speaks would have one believe that Autism is a… black and white disorder, with symptoms that are essentially universal across the spectrum; of course they also make Autism sound like a disease that is to be feared and shamed, but my feelings on this organization will be the subject of future discussion. The fact of the ma...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0150b

TRS - Casefile #0150b (Latest Editions) 

OSWALD: Disastrous! Bloody disastrous! 

EDWARD: Am I interrupting anything?

OSWALD: Edward, my boy! Come in, come in. (newspapers rustling) I trust you’ve read the latest editions?

EDWARD: Just the crosswords. Harvey has yet to relinquish the rest.

OSWALD: Well. Our mutual friend President Luthor has done it once again.

EDWARD: Oh, Lord. What’s that malodorous cueball done this time?

OSW...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0150

TRS - Casefile #0150

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: Hello, dear Riddler, I recently suffered the loss of a loved one and I’m currently trying to cope. Was there ever a point in your life where you experienced grief? If so, how did you handle it?

Hm. I feel inadequately equipped to answer this question, a statement I have never relished the opportunity to make. Possibly, I could bluff this out and furnish you with a meretricious response and a li...

Dr Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 034

CRANE: ENTRY 034

(CRANE walks down the hallway to his office; jingle of keys, unlocks the door)

CRANE: I told you you’re not supposed to be here anymore.

LUCENZO: …

CRANE: Lucenzo, you need to leave.

LUCENZO: I adore the smell of books, dottore. The old paper, the leather covers… it’s the smell of enlightenment. The smell of, how to say… conoscenza.

CRANE: I’ve heard enough. I’m calling security.

(CRANE picks up the receiver, b...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0149

TRS - Casefile #0149

EDWARD: Bytheway99-blog asks: Kristen Kringle? No thank you, I just ate. <sigh> While I’m here, using up my precious recreation time on these quality questions, I will address a topic that continues to crop up in recent missives regarding my current recording environment.

I’m not sure how many crows you’re all personally acquainted with, but there is certainly not only Ichabod here in the asylum. Ichabod herself is over 30 years old,...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 033

CRANE: ENTRY 033

CRANE: Tell me about Anya.

LUCENZO: Anya, my love.

CRANE: Were you lovers?

LUCENZO: Not while she was in school, no. We knew it would be… frowned upon. We were so different in age. 

CRANE: Admirable.

LUCENZO: Is it?

CRANE: Many lack the restraint.

LUCENZO: You saw that with <convinzione>. I wonder if there is a story there?

CRANE: My passions laid elsewhere.

LUCENZO: So I’ve read. But this wa...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0148

TRS - Casefile #0148 

EDWARD: E-nygmatic asks: Hello Riddler! This is a bit of a random question, I must admit, but I was wondering if you have heard of Escape Rooms? If so, what are your thoughts on them? They seem like something you would either be in full support of or strongly opposed to.

I am wholly in support of escape rooms, though with a caveat. The concept itself is sound, but the execution tends to lack finesse. Nowadays, any old fool...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 032b

CRANE: ENTRY 032B

(hurried footsteps)

CRANE: Goddammit. Why am I always runnin’ late? Shit – Grace! Hold all my calls, would ya?

(jingling of keys)

CRANE: Gotta get in the goddamn office – (opens the door) Uh – Lucenzo. Now how did you get in here?

LUCENZO: Corvus brachyrhynchos. She is beautiful, dottore. What did you say her name was?

CRANE: I didn’t. It’s Ichabod. 

LUCENZO: Ichabod. Meravigliosa.

CRANE: Uh, if it’...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0147

TRS - Casefile #0147

EDWARD: Green-genius-purple-puzzler asks: If you had the opportunity to permanently alter one aspect of your physical appearance, what would you change, if anything?

Hm. Are you implying that I am in some way - inadequate? Less than perfect, perhaps? Lacking in some tiny yet significant way? My colossal ego and I are insulted. Here I suppose I could segue into an intimacy; wax pathetic about having my mother’s wea...

Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 032a

STRANGE ENTRY: 0932 – Jonathan U. Crane

STRANGE: These are the medical journals of Dr. Hugo Strange. The date is September 7th, 1995.

Patient interview with Mr. Jonathan Crane. There’s no smoking allo- hm, alright.

Let’s begin, shall we?

CRANE: Strange… That can’t be your real name.

STRANGE: The family name is Schturang, but it is less than palatable to the American tongue. But we are not here to talk about my family, Jonathan. Tell me about y...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0146b

TRS - Casefile #0146b (Needlessly Ambiguous)

EDWARD: Hmm… (inhales) Oh. (wince) Does no one just say “come with me” any more? (wince) Oh. Ow. Oh. My head feels like there’s Frenchman living in it. 

OSWALD: Ah… Our Mr. Nygma is finally awake.

EDWARD: Who is that? How long have I been out?

OSWALD: All will be made clear, soon enough. Though you may want to consider a visit to the doctor’s, after this. 

EDWARD: Ugh… No doctors. I ho...

GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 06

CLASSIFIED 006: MAYORAL DEBATE

(GCN music)

RYDER: This is a GCN Special Report; I’m Jack Ryder. The votes have been tallied and the results are in: Oswald Cobblepot has won the Gotham City electoral race, and will be the next Mayor of Gotham City. This has surprised many critics of Cobblepot, especially given the events of last week’s debate, in which Mr. Cobblepot physically assaulted his opponent, current Mayor Eldon Fisk. We warn you: the following footage is of a...

The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0146

TRS - Casefile #0146

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: Dear Riddler, can we hear Query and/or Echo say something? Thanks, Jo. DefinitelyNotClayFace asks: Mr. Nygma, are we ever going to hear from your lovely associates Echo and Query on this blog? Also, Anonymous asks: Why always henchgirls and never henchmen?

For those who don’t know, allow me to give you some background on my dynamic duo. Query works as a bouncer in a popular Gotham nightclub, and Ech...