SpanishRed

You can’t learn to be a sly dominant. You have to be born that way.

I’ve never won an argument with my friend, Batman. I’m a smart woman. I still can’t best him in a word battle. This isn’t because he’s more intelligent than me. It’s because I let him win.

What? It’s true. I am definitely the cleverest half of our friendship.

I totally am.

Not.

When I’m sparring with Batman, I have to put an immense amount of effort into every attack. I tell myself this is going to be the one time I actually win, but then he uses his pi...

Me, 18 months into Fet

I just dug up this odd little post I wrote back when I'd been on Fet for a year and a half. Here goes: 

This weekend I took a trip through my feed all the way from when I typed my very first words on Fetlife. That was about 18 months ago. My kink journey has been more like an acid trip than a long and winding road and yet I’m not sure I’ve evolved at all. It seems I might have devolved because when I joined, I immediately got to work teaching all of you how you neede...

You Don't Get to Decide When Oppressed Communities Stop Talking About Their Oppression

“It’s time for everyone to stop focusing on race and gender. The world would be a happier place if we just ignored skin colour and gender.” - Norman

I’m a walking, breathing carbon cut-out of my own privilege. When I pay for a dress, the teller doesn’t mistreat me for being white. When I go to a game park, the ticket office doesn’t insult me for being straight. When I walk in the city, nobody assaults me for being cis or shoots me for being black. Like ever...

Last Night I Received a Long Goodbye

Last night I received a long goodbye from an old Fetlife friend who is leaving us for Vanilla Land. Goodbyes are the worst the kink community has to offer. I often wish this community lived on its own island so that when I wanted to see you, I could hop in a taxi with a pizza and a bunch of tulips. But there is no such thing as BDSM country. Fetlife is as close to common ground as I’ve found, and its exit is well used.

I’ve developed a long list of people to wonder about. Why did th...

Not all Suicides Are Rooted in Hopelessness (Trigger warning: Suicide, abuse mentions)

Some suicides happen because death seems more tolerable than life.
Some suicides happen because of hopelessness.

There’s a third suicide category that people rarely talk about, though: Some suicides happen because you don’t think you deserve the space you take up in the world. These are the self-haters, the self-destroyers, and the self-blamers of the world, and their sense of self has been contaminated.

Maybe they were abused. Maybe they have a diagnosis that doesn’t fit...

Fuck Clitorises

Apparently a talent for oral sex does the ego good. Them’s the rules, because approximately 86.56% of the men I’ve shagged have bragged about their pussy-eating prowess. Only two of my exes really *were* pussy whisperers, and neither bragged about their skill. I can tell you why: Because you’d do a better job predicting female sexual response via the psychic ether than through something as pathetically neurotic as the clitoris.

Men who claim to be pussy whisperers usually have one...

Vanilla Sex is Deviant

When I joined Fetlife, I thought D/s was a flaw that would earn me a psychiatric diagnosis. I was no longer capable of mixing with decent society. Only broken, fucked up people liked a pain and submission, or so I thought.

Fetlife was terrifying, not for their differences, but their chilling similarities. It felt as though I was being drawn into something I would regret. Back then, degradation felt deviant and dark.

I no longer see power exchange as a pathology. Spending time with...

Life Won't Send You a Sex Partner in the Mail Just Because You Want One Really Badly

Yesterday I wrote a post with a pretty uncontentious premise: If you don’t do kink events, you won’t integrate with the scene. If you don’t go out and meet kinky people, you won’t have play dates.

The Fetisphere insisted I was being unfair. Not everyone can do events, you know. Some have jobs. Some have weird kinks. Some are just too busy with other things, so it isn’t fair to suggest that you have to physically meet people in order to develop friendships with them. If you *ca...

If you make a vanilla social circle, vanilla is what you’re going to get.

Jack says there aren’t any kinky people on Fetlife. Everyone is just here to look at smutty pictures. It’s Fifty Shades’ fault. It’s COVID’s fault. It’s Only Fans’ fault. Whatever the cause, this site just isn’t kinky enough for our uber-kinky guy. Everyone’s just here for the porn.

That complaint tells me one rather important thing about Jack:

He doesn’t do events. If he did, he would be surrounded by kinky people who are interested in BDSM. He doesn’t take ...

Know what you want. Be willing to take it. Know who you are. Be willing to show it.

Authenticity is my highest priority in a dominant. Your rope skills and infinite toy shelves are nice and all, but I’ll take an authentic man over The Red Room of Pain every single time. These men don’t dilute their identities with shame, apologia, or other extraneous things. They’ve found their true selves, and they’re willing to express them. The best kink is inspirational, and you can only inspire if you’ve found the most distilled version of yourself.

Want to compel me? Th...

An hour of phone ringing is just what women need to work out you’re Mr Right (Trigger warning: rape)

A few weeks back I blocked a follower. This is not a revolutionary act. People do it all the time. I thought he’d do what everyone else does when I block them: Write a post titled “SpanishRed is an ugly bitch who needs to stop talking about cupcakes,” then evaporate into the Fetisphere.

This did not happen.

Instead, he began sending messages to my friends and acquaintances trying to convince me to reverse my block. Like the good friends they were, they didn’t give him any ...

Leave Now Because He Hasn't Yet Closed the Door

He'll shower you with petals and starlight until you've invested enough to be tempted into a sunk-cost fallacy. That’s the last time escaping will be easy. Now the prison bars will rise up around you. You’ll start bouncing between abuse and euphoria thick enough to choke on. The chemical highs and lows are addictive, so even if you haven’t accepted your abuser’s low opinion of you yet, it feels impossible to get away. Add Stockholm Syndrome and the baffling effects of gaslighting to t...

Are You Carrying Half the Weight?

If you’re only carrying a few stones and some cash while your partner is lugging an entire house on her back, you have not won a gold star. I adore you, but you don’t get cupcakes. Men should be carrying half the weight in their homes. 

• If you do what your wife assigns you, you aren’t carrying half of the weight.  We don’t want to have to give instructions. We’re not the involuntary masters of household chores. You should be looking at what your home requires o...
  2023-11-13 04:49:25 +0000 UTC View Post

Trying to Silence Dissenting Voices is Like Trying To Get Toothpaste Back In the Tube

I’m learning to play Go—an Asian strategy game in which you gain territory by surrounding and taking your opponent’s stones. My sensei loves metaphors, so she taught me that stones in certain configurations cannot be trapped. They will always squish out of your attempted cage like toothpaste. This is a lesson I’ve learned on Fetlife, too. If you write a wrecked post, en-masse blocking is just going to squish the toothpaste all over your lovely, clean board. You have to stop caging the...

Don't Kill Me, But I Think We Could All Learn a Few Things From Vanillaville

Yesterday a vanilla man we’ll call Jack told me it was common sense to avoid edge play with uneducated tops. I can tell you exactly why he thought that way: He’s vanilla. The BDSM fairies haven’t scrambled his brain.

I told him it wasn’t as obvious as he thought, especially among subs who are desperate to please. On your way to safety, you have to pass a river of submissive bottoms who trust their partners more than they trust themselves. Jack doesn’t know this because that de...

Why 2024 Will Be the Year I Learn to Top

I’ve never done a BDSM class. I was once forced to attend a demonstration on yoni mattresses (or something), but that’s the only kink training I’ve ever done. I just raced into Kinkville on a unicorn and tried out all of the things. I didn’t do an intensive before my first rope experience, and I didn’t do one before my first kink scene. Bottoms don’t have to do classes, you know. We’re mainly just here to sit around being naked, and I’m quite good at that.

That�...

Solitude is the Safest Place I Know

If I decide you're my person you might as well staple yourself to me at the hip. I don't just love. I adore, but I adore my own company just as much. When life starts screaming at me, solitude is my shelter. It’s the safest space I know.

I was never one of those girls who made out with strangers in clubs. While my friends were in the darkest corner getting acquainted with the sexiest mouth in the room, I was dancing alone next to the biggest speaker. They went home when the kissing go...

We Met a Survivalist

We met a real survivalist at the top of the mountain yesterday. He's recovering from some pretty hectic problems, and now he cycles and rock hops all day, every day. I don't know how he affords it, but he covers about 70 km a day on bike and foot. He forages and does dangerous climbs as a healthier way to appeal to his self-destructive nature. Great guy. Fascinating conversation. Then he started goin...

Pictures from yesterday's climb

Yesterday, a friend and I climbed a small mountain called Elsie's Peak. Pictures coming up. 

This is our view from the top. 

This is my friend. I love this picture. 

<...

The Kink Universe Isn't Divided into Dangerous Assholes and Safe Prince Charmings

E saw himself as a Kink Lite Player. He was into breath play, impact play, and deepthroating. He thought these were “vanilla” kinks, so he didn’t need to exercise restraint. E wasn’t RACK. He wasn’t even PRICK. He didn’t know he was into some of the deadliest kinks in the BDSM biome. He wasn’t like Those Other Guys™. His scenes weren’t bloody, so he wasn’t a real sadist. RACK was for The Real Deal, not moderate players like him.

I knew he was a wonderful man...

This is not a post

I always feel the need to tell you when a post is not really a post so you'll make room for my shitty, lazy writing. I learned some interesting things yesterday and thought some of you might be interested. As you know, I've had a stalker for two years. Someone sent me a swathe of smear posts two days back, and Fet issued what must be his sixth or seventh time out. Frustrated, I sent a message to Fetlife asking why they hadn't banned him yet. Here's what I learned: 

My stalker has b...

Why I'll Never Play With an Untrained Edge-Player Again

I’ve played with four sadists since I joined the kink scene. Want to know how many of them had learned how to play safely?

One.

Want to know how many thought about the risks inherent in their play?

One.

Want to know how many said they couldn’t do classes because they were “private people”?

Three.

They couldn’t learn safe kink practices because, unlike the rest of us, they had jobs and couldn’t afford to be outted.

Do you see that smudge ap...

Random Kink Advice For Noobs

• Untying rope can cause blood pressure crashes which can, in turn, worsen some existing illnesses. Deep throating can lead to hemorrhagic lesions and STIs. Impact play can lead to renal failure. If you’re moving into an unexplored kink, don’t assume it has no risks. Go and speak to more experienced players. Don’t underestimate how a health condition can affect your play. These hazards can come at you from the left field.

• Shayblondie is a rope top with a...
  2023-11-07 05:28:42 +0000 UTC View Post

Catching Up

Helloes! I'm a little behind on posting your public posts, but I want to let your exclusive post run its course before I catch up.

Don't Tell Me You Have Values. Show Me.

One of the first women I met on Fetlife was a leftist consent activist who ultimately admitted to having raped a man years before. She was sorry about it, though, and these days, she had a better working knowledge of consent. She swore it. 

I only came to grips with consent after I entered the kink scene, so I know this is often complicated terrain. In the same breath, though, I’ve never raped anyone. Assault is a low bar. You don’t need much knowledge to avoid rapin...

Open Letter to a Kinky Master

Dear MasterFrankenCock

Thank you for your message. I’m thrilled you came across my profile because the idea of being stripped and flogged by a 19-year-old master I’ve never met who lives on the opposite side of the planet has left me believing in the magic and wonder of this life. Obviously, I have sex with all the strangers who write to me here on Fetlife, so I will make myself available for the aforementioned flogging immediately.

Before you sent that PM about my “hawt syd...

I will not allow my story to be destroyed

I’m an angry feminist. SpanishRed: Misandrist. That’s my name. That’s my label. Someone will write it up in my comment sections every time I write about gender-based violence. Angry white men are raging because I dare to break my silence; dare, for once, to speak about the female experience. You know the kind of experience I’m referring to. Gropings, rape, domestic violence… we’ve all been there, but straight white men don’t have a problem with those crimes. They have a...

The Domliest Sub You've Ever Met

I don't know if there's value to this post, really, but I feel like I should copy all my writings here, so here is a post I think might be crap. Sorry. 

Sven is the subliest sub you’ve ever met, and he’s in search of a strict dominatrix who will:

• Force him to worship her feet in a completely dominant way.
• Drink fine red wine while applying a violet wand to his bits. (Sven doesn’t have a violent wand, but it’s okay. ...
  2023-11-01 06:56:50 +0000 UTC View Post

Abuse is a Great Lake That Drowns Everything

I always knew that my mother wasn’t the same as other mothers. It began with the black circles and ended with her inability to smile. She expected us to be invisible, so if you walked down a passage, you did it like they do in horror movies. If you stepped on a creaking plank, out would come mother, rage and all. Sometimes she hit. Sometimes she just screamed. I preferred the “hidings”.

When I was near death in the ICU, she didn’t come to the hospital. She didn’t visit during ...

Fet Restraining Orders Aren't the Solution to Every Stalking

Fetlife has a remarkably effective tool for dealing with stalkers. It’s called a Fetlife Restraining Order, and it requires both parties to block one another. From that day forth, neither of you may reference one another on the site again. If either of you does so, you'll get a timeout for up to three months. Theoretically, the offender will be banned from the site if they rack up enough timeouts.

I might be wrong. I might be right, but I believe dedicated scene members are less amena...