SpanishRed

Only Fans Users Aren't Who You Think They Are

Splash (not her real username) has been on Fetlife as long as I have: seven years. She’s a poly domme switch with no fewer than five Fetlife groups. When she’s not giving kinksters a moderated space to bounce around in, she’s hosting munches. Among the 140 posts on her profile, you’ll find writings on ethics, kink, and how to access COVID tests in her city. She’s also a Polyland contributor.

Munch hosts are the givers of the kink scene. They put a tremendous amount of work int...

Things Straight Men Should Know About Dating

• In the 21st century, it’s completely impossible to know whether it’s a date or just a platonic outing, so just wait and see if your date attempts to kiss you. This will definitely work.
• Unless your date is using the same test.
• The Friend Zone has been scrapped and been replaced with The Fuck Zone. If you're upset that your date didn’t shag you, it doesn’t mean they friend zoned you. It means you fuck zoned them. You can’t buy sex with dinner, but you can defi...
  2023-09-18 04:47:20 +0000 UTC View Post

You Don't Have to Be a Service Dominant

Hank is a new dom so wet behind the ears you could wring all that moisture into a glass. He’s already struggling. He managed to find a girlfriend (Yay, Hank!) and buy three toys with the cash he had left for Salticrax. He’s terrified that his new sub will detect the scent of his inexperience. He wants to make her happy, but she’s into a few things that he’s uncomfortable with. He’s not into scarification, but it’s one of her biggest kinks. He’s not too enthusiastic about punchin...

What it's Like to Be a Man Who isn't an Asshole On Fetlife

They say if you're a man on Fetlife, you're invisible. Nobody replies to your messages. Nobody cares what you post. You might as well be a ghost, so in 2020, I turned my affiliate profile into an ordinary guy—the type who treats people like people and doesn't shove his dick in your face. I called him --Twitch--, gave him a tie, and uploaded a few of my favourite things into his album: a Calvin and Hobbes picture, a photo of Coconut Rice Bear… you know… just stuff that spoke to my charac...

Fetlife isn't a Dating Site. You Have To Bend It To Your Will

Let’s say dating sites are like coat hangers on which to hang your dating experience. They’re expressly designed for that, so they’re good at keeping wrinkles out of your clothes. In the online dating world, Fet isn’t a coat hanger. It’s just a wire. It isn’t shaped to hold coats. If you want to find love here, you’ve got to do a lot of extra work because most women aren’t here just to find Mr. Right.

In the Asian strategy game, Go, you win territory one stone at a time....

Women Aren't the Sidekicks in Your Story

Women are not the sidekicks in your story—not to provide sex in exchange for a burger, fix your dating problems, or fight for your causes. We’re not your prostitutes, your counsellors, or your consultants. We’re the heroes of our own stories. We have salaries to earn and people to date just like you. Our schedules are no less cluttered. Our psychologies are no less frayed. We might give our time if we have any left, but we cannot carry the majority of the weight for your gender and our ...

David Attenborough Explores the K&P Underbrush

(Written on a patron's request)

When you make your way through the treacherous cliffs of the Fetlife underbrush, the odds of survival are heavily stacked against you. David Fettenborough has been studying the most perilous ecosystem on Fetlife for over 50 years.

“Documenting the splendour of K&P is a never-ending delight. Its rarest creatures, monogamous heterosexuals, have never been seen on camera. Most believe they’re completely extinct," says Fettenborough as he applie...

Stone Bait Doesn't Catch Fish

A client has spent a month camped out in my inbox because nobody will do her urgent work. She’s ranted, whined, and nagged. What she hasn’t done is offer reasonable pay and interesting work. She’s fishing in an over-populated river with nothing but pebbles as bait. The angler a meter down from her is serving Michelin-worthy worms, so *obviously* we’re dining off the end of his line, not hers.

Like your average Fetlife dudebro, she still insists she can solve the problem by askin...

I Found a Toy Invented By God and Wrought From Angels' Tears

Seven years ago I discovered a toy created by Zeus to change the lives of every woman on planet earth and beyond. I’m sorry that I didn’t find it sooner, but that’s just the necessary downside of being a sceptic. When the entire world tells me that a certain sex toy is a necessity, do I believe them? No. I’m a sceptic. I avoid conspiracy theories.

If you’d told my 30-something self that there was a toy that caused instant and infinite orgasms, I would have told you to throw yo...

The Truth About Revoking Consent After the Fact (Big TW)

Right Wing Toby has a lot to say about Adena. She has completely consensual sex, then revokes it retrospectively and cries “rape.” The way Toby and his cronies describe her, most rape accusations are merely Adenas revoking consent after the fact.

I once created a new hard limit with my second dominant after he made an agonising mistake — a decision he would punish me for for months. He swore he wouldn’t make the mistake again. He insisted I was overreacting. He begged me to give...

Celibate People Can Be Happy, Too

The last time I got laid was in 2021. Before that, it was 2015. If you can’t math, that’s two and five years of celibacy respectively. It’s a long time, but mushrooms haven’t sprouted from my earlobes. I haven’t shriveled into a magic bean or transformed into a toad. I didn’t scream like a toddler in the candy aisle over my middling sex life. I built a good life with great friends instead. I made sure that sex was the only thing missing from my experience as a single. I cured my l...

No, You Aren't Right. You Just need a New Pair of Glasses.

When high-definition monitors hit the market, I hopped along to get one of my own. When I fired it up, it didn’t look much better than my old technology, so I returned to tell the store the monitor was broken. The shop worker gave me an HDMI cable and assured me my screen was working just fine. I pointed at it and asked him how he could call that clarity. He pointed at it and asked me how I couldn’t call it clarity, so I relegated the HD craze to the garbage heap next to yetis an...

Pronouns Aren't a Free Speech Issue (TW transphobia)

“Forcing me to use your pronouns removes my free speech rights.” - Eric the Cis Man.

Hello, Eric. When I meet women like you, I always get a little irritated because you all expect me to use your pronouns. I’ve seen your avatar and have concluded that you are, in fact, female. My opinion on your gender is infallible because science, so you won’t mind if I keep referring to you as “she”. What’s that? You want me to use “he/him” pronouns? But what about...

Requests for David Attenborough/Trump Satire

I was going to do this at my Fet profile, but let's see if you have anything on this side. I'm looking for topic requests for satire written in the voice of David Attenborough and Donald Trump. I won't do all of your ideas, but those that fit and suit the medium.

This Much Stasis, This Much Life

(TW rape, anorexia, suicide)

I live in the wrong body: one with hips, with breasts, with all the curves of a grown woman, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be entirely comfortable with that. When I was in the throes of anorexia, I was less female and more nothingness. My body was boyish—childlike. It told the world not to look at me, and that made me feel safe.

I wanted to be effaced. Invisible. I wanted my femaleness gone because rape had infected it. I didn't know how to get rid ...

My Kink Scene Red Flags

This is a list of my own subjective red flags. I decided not to post an objective list because sometimes, intuition exposes important truths. These are the traits I stay the hell away from. They needn’t be the traits everyone stays the hell away from. Treat this like a pile of communal cards. Take what you can use. Leave what you can’t.

• Was “treated terribly” by the local scene and has stopped doing events as a result. These are often our consent...
  2023-09-07 06:52:53 +0000 UTC View Post

Apparently the Kink Scene Doesn't Turn You into a Slut

Yesterday I got laid. I went out with a sexy, nerdy supermodel type, and when he dropped me off, he took a few whips and a ball gag out of his fancy-ass convertible. We fucked for three hours, and then I stared at his sexy-as-hell face and perfect abs for four hours straight.

Okay, I’m lying. This is how it really went: Yesterday I went out with a sexy, nerdy supermodel type. We *talked* about ball gags, whips, and kinky sex. Then on the way home, he said, “Let’s fuck.” Guess wh...

Fetlife is Rigged to Fuck This Up For You and Other Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to Fetlife

• If you behave like an asshole on Fetlife, a fiery, screaming horde of cannibals will descend upon you just like in The Green Inferno. This site is full of intelligent, confrontational, ethically-sound individuals, so that cannibal horde could be a great blessing. I know thread wreckage is hard, but try to listen. You might just become a better person for it like I did. Yeppers. I, too, have had sketchy opinions. I listened to the cannibals, though, so I’m a bit less of an asshole than...
  2023-09-05 06:59:56 +0000 UTC View Post

Women Are Not the Enemy

As a child, I’d often hear stories about Mozambique’s landmines because the country is right on my doorstep. Photographs of blown-off legs and bloody torsos made the news all the time. The landscape was covered in them, so a walk through Sofala wasn’t like a walk on Muizenberg beach. The worst Muizies will give you are a few jellyfish. Sofala, on the other hand, could leave you with a lifelong disability. There were, of course, sections of the area that were safe, but the landmines were...

Fetlife should be the white house of sex positivity, so maybe you'd be more comfortable in a church

Fetlife should be the white house of sex positivity. We’re all sluts here by one definition or another. We don’t shame people for having 300 notches on their bedposts, and we don’t refer to STI status as “clean” or “unclean”. We value our sex workers as integral parts of the kink scene.

Please leave the room before your head explodes. You’re welcome to come back afterwards. I really don’t want to lose all the glassware. Hilda currently has some of it in her butt.

Celibacy Won't Kill You, But Rage Might

Yesterday I met a lot of men who are exceedingly unhappy about their sex lives. Many were even rabidly resentful of women for not providing equal dating opportunities to men. They experienced their celibacy as an affront perpetrated by the female gender.

I was 500 words into writing a post about it. Then the power went out and erased all my hard work. This happens almost every day. South Africa is in a power crisis. On good days, we experience two hours of outages. On bad days, it’s 1...

Unicorn Hunters Aren't Poly. They're Monogamous Couples Looking For a Fantasy

This is your basic personals ad:

Professional person seeking someone to have and hold. Must be into ball gags, Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

This is your basic unicorn-hunting ad:

Professional couple seeking bi slave who's willing to quit their job. Must like Pina Coladas served in shot glasses with ice and getting caught in light showers, but not heavy ones. Must like border collies with brown fur and be willing to walk them three times a day. Must have red ...

Lessons in Women's Safety

“Most women won’t know they are pregnant for the first month or so, when they might still be drinking. The risk is real. Why take the chance?” This appeared on an infographic the CDC put out about the risks of drinking for women seven years ago. If you’re a woman, it’s best to become a teetotaller because you never know when your lack of contraception might sneak up on you unawares.

I’ll give you one guess what the CDC listed as the biggest risk of drinking. Take your time. ...

Being Vanilla

H was an artist. I became his favourite subject. He’d hang me impossibly and forever so that every sliver broke me. Then he would paint and sell the spoils as art. Orange was our flavour: sweet and sour and dripping with sweetness.

R’s flavours were so vicious that I still wear scars from it. I have been marked and, in this way, I still belong to him.

He had a whole candy shop of flavours. E promised he’d be the same. I preferred knowing what he tasted so I forewent my own e...

More Things BDSM Noobs Should Know

• Poly is not a higher kink qualification. I know it looks as though we’re all poly here, but monogamists are everywhere, walking around like regular people. They don’t see each other. They only shag who they want to shag. <shiver> You can be monogamous, too. Or monogamish. Or whatever floats your butt plug.
• There’s a difference between being a brat and being an asshole. Don’t be a monster unless your top is into monsters.
• If you’re a bottom, you will get...
  2023-08-29 05:19:11 +0000 UTC View Post

If You're New to Fetlife

If you don’t look too closely, Fetlife will seem like a dark room crawling with orgies and smut. We’re the Facebook of Pornhub, so we'll show you our diamante-clad buttholes if it’s the last thing we do. Here, the female body is drooled upon and the male body, pushed into your inbox next to a remote control and a pair of dirty socks. Fet’s entry hall smells of cum and filthy laundry, but if you walk in a little deeper, we’ll show you a whole other room.

This is where the blood...

Our Biggest Mistakes in the Kink Scene

Today I wanted to write about trust. I wanted to share the importance of intuition when you’re choosing play partners, but this post wouldn't cooperate with my goals.

Let me start at the beginning.

A few days ago, I asked you to tell me the biggest mistake you’d made in the scene. Some people said they’d treated play partners like toys rather than responsibilities. Some had played drunk. A lot of you had used the wrong lube, tied the wrong way, and failed to practice using y...

This is My Raincloud. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine

Kids who come out of the Seventies often carry little rainclouds with them—small pockets of darkness that make us feel at home. We’re comfortable with it because, as children, our horror movies were terrifying. Our music was belligerent. Our musicians spat cigarettes out onto the stage in concerts. We grew up on The Rocky Horror Picture Show, not Mean Girls, and our comedians didn't give a fuck. Darkness wasn't an enemy.

I just watched a 2014 remake of Annie. In keeping with the squ...

Stop Trying to Cure Depression With Motivational Idioms

Depression is like a life lived uphill pushing a boulder. In the beginning, pushing that rock is possible, even easy, but when weeks have passed, your exhaustion is complete. Your inability to move another centimetre has nothing to do with a lack of willpower. Your body. Just. Can’t. Do it. Anymore. You’re a hostage of a nearly-dead body.

This is not a choice. It’s a disease, so please stop telling us to eat more spinach and smile more often. Depression sn’t a sign that we’re ...

Rope is the Swiss Army Knife of BDSM

Rope is an inferior form of bondage. That’s what my 2015 self said. I even wrote it into a post, which shot up to K&P like a Mentos bomb. Everyone agreed: A top with real power didn’t need to tie you down. He could control you with his words alone.

My friend, the rope top, smiled to himself. I’ll bet I know what he was thinking: “I’ll show her.”

So he did.

It was a revolutionary experience. With all my limbs bound in jute, I got it. I finally underst...