SpanishRed

Bizarre Things In My Inbox

Bizarre Things in My Inbox

Calling his bluff. I think he's been watching too many horror movies

Open Letter to a Fetlife Noob

A few years ago, I headed into New York City. There were lights and screens and crowds and horns. Everyone was rushing somewhere, and the longer I stayed, the more exhausted I became. Some places are home, and some places are so different from home that they make you miss your own city. New York was the latter. It thrilled me, but it exhausted me.

Your first play party might be a culture shock, too. There will be baby girls walking around in jute. There will be milfs tied to rafters and...

Brat Lessons

Yesterday someone said I should give brat lessons because they thought I was a superior brat. Bwahahaha! Bwaaaha! Sorry. What I meant to say is of course I’m good at being a brat. I’m the most courageous, sneaky, brave, bold brat who ever was. Thus beginneth the lesson.

1) Never let a spanking go unaddressed.

If your guy hits you with a belt, go into the bathroom, lock the door, then text him the following: “Do you think you hit me hard, big guy? That was barely detectable...

The All Subs Doctrine

If K&P is much to go by, figuring out subs' needs is like trying to beat Gu Li at Go. That’s why Psychic Dom has a veritable treasure trove of knowledge about how to detect our sadness and fix it through 101 forms of kinky therapy. Psychic Dom is a psychologist, a sex god, and a life coach all neatly packaged in a black T-shirt.

He writes endless posts about how to interpret what Subs™ need.

He never asks. He preaches. There’s no need for questions when you can wrangle a...

Learning Loneliness

Being single for the better part of five years teaches you how to be alone without being lonely. My god, I could find happiness anywhere in those days. Who needs sex? I had this. There were times when I craved a man’s body, but the need would pass, and I’d return to being a self-sufficient, strong woman.

Then love came along and shattered that.

Suddenly, there was sex on tap. There were hugs on tap. There was the going to sleep spooning and waking up to make coffee to...

Things I Believed About the Kink Scene and What Actually Happened

I will definitely get laid when I go to my first play party.

What actually happened: <pulls out calculator> I have attended 3,250 play parties. I have been laid 425 times. This is not the correct math. I would like correct math.

Seeing real people have real sex will be shocking and sexy and life-altering.

What actually happened: Finding future friends who plan survival strategies for zombie apocalypses is life-altering. When I see real people...

2023-08-19 04:48:44 +0000 UTC View Post

David Attenborough Explains Why Fetlife's Women Are Defecting to Antarctica

Antarctica! One of the sparsest landscapes on earth, but an astonishing species has begun to make a home between the icicles: 99-year-old females have settled here from a far-away island called Fetlife. Why did they come here? Why do they look so relaxed? And why are they making it so hard for men to find The Sex?

Here, we see five young females watching an icicle melt without attracting a single come-on from a male in musth. And here, on this ice shelf, we see three more looking at Tom...

There's a Particular Kind of Sub We've All Met

There’s a particular kind of sub we’ve all met. Let’s call her Adena. She knows 10 slave positions and will perform them on cue. Yes, Adena takes obedience seriously, so she always goes the extra mile. Have you seen the flogger she wove out of embroidery thread last Wednesday? And did you know she can manifest butt bruises without even being touched? Can you do that? Adena doesn’t think so.

If there’s one thing Adena knows for sure, it’s that brats are killing the k...

If you don’t respect what we do as subs, you will never be able to handle our power.

I recently met a domme with a three-page list of demands for her successful subly candidate. She was expected to quit her job, attend therapy sessions, absorb the household’s spiritual beliefs, and adopt their eating habits. She described all of those things in detail, so I can inform you that I learned them in nursery school in-between Barbie Battles.

Yes, my Barbies had battles. Just be quiet.

She didn’t ask whether the sub in question actually needed all that guidance. She ...

Gross Things in My Inbox

I just realised there are no spotting rules on Patreon

So I'm starting a series of gross things in my inbox. 

You Need Two Brains for Kink

“Look left, look right, then run like hell.” That’s what my dad taught me when I was a child.
“Look left, look right, but never, ever cross the road. You’ll probably get run over by a car.” That’s what my mom taught me.

I managed to internalize both lessons. One of my brains wanted to break all the rules, no matter how irresponsible it seemed. But my mother designed my other brain, and that meant I criticised everything I ever did. You might be able to abuse me, but I c...

Casual Sex the Neanderthal Way

We're all lucky enough to be part of a sex-positive community, which means we get to participate in enough shades of sex to create our own kinky rainbow. Want to be poly? Excellent. Want casual hook ups? Awesomesauce. Want a serious, monogamous relationship? Fantastic.

Shit. I forgot about that consent deal. What a pain in the ass that is. Let me try those lines again. Want casual sex with a consenting partner? Fine. Want to be poly with a bunch of people who know abou...

Love Is...

Love is not the painting. It’s the crack in the wall with the paint chipped off. Love is not the Christmas present or the day at the beach. It’s the tears in between and the drying of them. It's the corner with the carpets scuffed off.

Love is the dank closet that you visit on the worst days of your life. Love is the one who’s willing to join you in there and hold you until the light returns, and not judge the shadows.

There Are No Easy Tricks to Doing Fetlife as a Shy, Awkward Guy

Three years ago, I decided to find out whether I could cut it as a male Fetlifian. I gave my sock puppet the username, Twitch, uploaded some cute Calvin and Hobbes memes, and posted an avatar in a sexy white linen shirt.

Twitch wasn't particularly buff. He was a feminist like me, and he was also a dope like me. He had one habit that was different to the average unicorn hunter: He USED Fetlife. Not to pick up women. Not to find smut. Not to post cock shots, but to socialise and ...

Things You Don't Know About Being a Woman

• Being a woman is more expensive. Unlike men, we have to pay for tampons, the pill, HRT, and bras, but we can touch our bewbs any time we like. Beat that, Bucko.
• They purposefully don’t put real pockets in our clothes because then they can sell more handbags, but we still have bewbs, and you still don’t.
• You have to get a Master’s Degree in art if you want to wear lipstick. Have you seen what they’re doing to their eyebrows these days? Do you think you can make ...
  2023-08-12 05:48:40 +0000 UTC View Post

Jarod Thinks You're Triggered

You've met Jarod before. He once left a racist comment on your writing, then called you triggered when you confronted him on it. Jarod is sorry you're so traumatized by opinions that are different from your own. Jarod thinks you should be more open-minded when people say hateful things.

Yep, Jarod was the evolved half of that conversation, which is why he blocked you so that you couldn't trigger him with a response—I mean get even more triggered at his response.

Sorry. ...

The Word Cis Just Acknowledges You Aren't the Only Valid Human. I Wrote a Fable for Those Who Still Don't Get It.

There once was a little blue unicorn who lived in a little blue town. All the unicorns there were blue there, so everywhere he went, his identity was validated. Blue was an awesome colour to be, otherwise there’d be other colours in that blue town. 

The word “blue” didn’t exist in Unicorn Town. Everything was blue, so a blue unicorn was just, well, a unicorn. The town barely registered the colour. To them, it wasn’t blue. It was “normal.” 

2023-08-08 06:04:02 +0000 UTC View Post

Things Cis Men Need to Know About Bewbs

1. A hard nipple is not necessarily a turned-on nipple. If you encounter one in the wild, it might be because it’s Wednesday. It might be because the wind just blew. It might be because a bra seam got skritchy. If nipples and penises had an erection contest, the penises would be too embarrassed to participate.
2. Yes. Skritchy is a real word. I just made it up. There are literally no better words to describe a skritchy bra seam.
3. If bras cost the same as Y-fronts, ...
   2023-08-07 05:43:55 +0000 UTC View Post

Shame is the Biggest Barrier to Great Writing

Feelings are the ink in every writer’s pen. If you can distil them, you can make magic, so self-awareness is one of your best assets. Want to know the worst of them? Shame.

Shame is the great silencer. It will dilute all those gorgeously-distilled emotions and leave you with generic prose that reaches no one. Learning to write is learning to become a more evolved person, so I think therapy is every bit as important as reading.

An old cliché goes, “You’re only as sick as you...

Open-Minded? Us? Nuh-Uh

Fetlife can be like a giant catfight at times, and when drama strikes, it’s never long before someone shows up to say, “We’re supposed to be more accepting and open minded than this because we’re the kink community.” That’s a conflation of what our open-mindedness actually looks like.

The 2013 study of BDSM practitioners found that we w...

I Interpreted Men's Profile Details into Plain English

Slave trainer: Has been on Fetlife for five days and really wants to get laid.

Life coach: Has been on Fetlife for 10 days and is getting a bit clever, now.

Tantric practitioner: Has been on Fetlife for 30 days and is beginning to learn a few things.

Naked apartment landlord: Has been on Fetlife for three years and is starting to get desperate.

Has arranged this here munch: Has been on Fetlife for five years and has realised he’s never going to get laid, so he might ...

Being Friends with Exes (Early Access Post)

Fossil records have revealed that in vanilla society they have a cultural tradition called, “Being Friends with Exes.” As a Totally Legit Anthropologist, I consulted The Spirit of Ex boyfriends Past to ask if I could “Being Friends with Exes” with my ex-dom. The spirits said, “Not a fuck.”

If I ran into him at a cupcake table, I would not be looking at the cupcakes. I probably wouldn’t even be able to look him in the eye. My Power-Bitch shell would dissolve, and I would be...

When a Man Leaves You in Increments

He left me in increments. First went his morning texts. Next went his Saturday night visits; then that old, exhausted smile that came after sex. Every absence fed a new insecurity in me. I knew he was half gone. I just couldn’t define the distance because there was no dramatic door slamming to make it permanent. One grand gesture would have required him to commit to my absence, and he was as commitment-phobic about leaving as he was about staying.

Our last months together were a serie...

Subs are golden treasures that twinkle in the moonlight. Dominants are just there to call us “a gift.”

Subs and masochists are golden treasures that twinkle in the moonlight. Dominants and tops are mainly just there to call us “a gift.” We give them all the sparkling they adore, and in exchange, they express their infinite gratitude. This is how BDSM works. Subs = Diamonds. Dom/mes = The folks who do mean things.

It doesn’t matter that Jonathon’s been learning rope for 20 years. Submission is a gift.

If doesn’t matter that Belinda had to do 50 years of therapy before she ...

You Can't Write Well Unless You Read Well

My writing mentor taught be that writers needed to practice two habits:

Journal every day.

Find reading that you adore.

You can’t write if you don’t love reading. You can’t learn the toolswithout a pile of books on your bedside table. Trying to write without an appreciation for writers is like trying to ride a bike without a road. Every book has a thousand lessons to teach you. How do story mechanics work? What’s the point of a line break? Does that punctuation mark ...

How Do Other People's Kinks Affect Your Daily Life Exactly?

There is only one submissive role that won’t get you shamed in the kink community: the altruistic, 100% obedient sub. In BDSM, we've got no room for human fallibility. Community mores state that thou shalt not be a brat. Thou shalt not be a service top. Thou shalt not be a sub who struggles with submission.

Please alter your  personality to suit the website’s judgement panel because there’s no reason they should have to tolerate your relationship with your partner day in and ...

So you’re RACK? Congratulations, but what do those letters mean to you?

Way back when BDSM hadn’t yet become a Fifty Shades enterprise, people cared a whole lot about acronyms. There was SSC and PRICK. There was RACK and CCCC, but if you put all those acronyms in a bucket and swirled them around, you still wouldn’t get enough consent for an ethical scene.

Every word in those acronyms is useless without some theorising. Let’s take SSC. “Safe” could mean sticking to a little light spanking, or it could mean remembering to wear gloves while sewing yo...

Never Try to Be a Good Sub if You're With a Bad Dominant

Breathplay is life-threatening at the best of times, but with my epilepsy, the absence of oxygen is the fastest way to cause a seizure, so it was the first hard limit I mentioned to J.

The first time we played, he shoved his cock down my throat and held my head down with all his strength for what felt like forever. With no capacity to safeword, no safe signal arranged, and no ability to communicate, I wa...