thehardtimes

Hard Digest November 27: Thanksgiving Primer and More

Jigsaw Horrified After Thanksgiving Guests Devour Turducken He Prepared to Punish Their Gluttony

By Matt Husser 

HORNERSTOWN, N.J. — Serial killer and torture pioneer Jigsaw was reportedly left horrified today after his unwilling Thanksgiving guests quickly devoured a massive turducken he had...

Hard Digest November 26: Early Access Viagra Boys, Costco Chicken, Babies, and More

Viagra Boys Rushed to Hospital After Set Persists for More Than 4 Hours

By Shane Pauker 

SAN FRANCISCO — Swedish crankwave band Viagra Boys were rushed to Zuckerberg General Hospital after their latest performance exceeded four hours in length, confirmed concerned sources.

“Their set...

Hard Digest November 25: Early Access Warhammer 40k, Bouncers, Power Strips, and More

Warhammer 40K Meetup Surprisingly Uninterested in Custom Bolt Thrower Playlist

By Steve Packosky 

CINCINNATI — Bolt Thrower fan Harold Rodriguez was disappointed in the reaction to his custom playlist by fellow members of his Warhammer 40K meetup, sources report.

“I don’t get it, ...

Hard Digest November 24: War Crimes, Early Access Punks, Sobriety, and More

Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night

By Antonio Cruise 

JERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family me...

Hard Digest November 23: Early Access Bon Iver, Politics, Captain Planet, Luke Bryan, and More

Bon Iver Announces Next Release Will Only Be Available by Carrier Pigeon

By Ben Friedman

EAU CLAIRE, Wisc. — Justin Vernon surprised fans by announcing the next highly anticipated Bon Iver release will only be available via carrier pigeon delivery, sources confirmed.

“Buying and discoverin...

Hard Digest November 22: Trump's Cabinet, Early Access Aerosmith, Hulkster, Hooters, and More

Registered Sex Offender Forced to Go Door to Door to Inform Neighbors He’s in Trump’s Cabinet

By Bobby Korec 

MINNEAPOLIS — Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cab...

Hard Digest November 21: Gaetz Withdrawal, Trump and Musk, Early Access Drone Metal, Debt Collectors, Mosh Pits, and More

Matt Gaetz Tells Girlfriend He Can Attend Quinceañera After All

By Tim Graham 

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickar...

MVP: Red Hot Chili Peppers "Give It Away"

It was only a matter of time before we tackled a Red Hot Chili Peppers video and we picked the video with as many taint shots as possible. Bill and Dan break it all down and tell you everything you need to know, enjoy.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_uHJPUlO8

Hard Digest November 20: Early Access Local Bands, Trump, Grief, and More

Totally Pathetic Local Band Actually Gives It Their All Onstage

By Wyatt Fair 

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – Local indie rock quartet Girlfriend’s Homework were treated to a “cacophony” of boos after they earnestly attempted showmanship onstage, disgusted sources report.

“Oh man, it was...

Hard Digest November 19: Early Access Pantera, Sobriety, Rap, and More

Southern Poverty Law Center Updates Hate Map to Coincide with Upcoming Pantera Tour Dates

By Steve Packosky 

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Legal advocacy organization Southern Poverty Law Center recently updated its Hate Map, an interactive tool to track hate groups, to coincide with dates from an u...

Hard Digest November 18: Early Access Math Rock, Twin Peaks, Manic Episodes, and More

Math Rock Band Keeps Accidentally Opening Wormholes on Stage

By Steve Packosky

RALEIGH, N.C. — Math rock band Integrals continuously had their live set interrupted by the wormholes their music was repeatedly formulating on stage, sources report.

“Christ, that was annoying,” mentioned ...

Hard Digest November 17: Early Access Propaghandi, Green Day, Bathrooms, and More

Propagandhi Struggling to Write New Music After Loss of Henry Kissinger

By John Danek 

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian political punk rockers Propagandhi admitted that they are struggling to write new songs after the death of their creative muse Henry Kissinger, worried friends reported.

�...

Hard Digest November 16: Early Access Nightmares, Rib Removal, Bartenders, and More

Guitarist Has Recurring Nightmare That Crowd Can Actually Hear Bassist

By Carson Kile

PHILADELPHIA — Local guitarist Diego Luna of the punk outfit The Nutchests reported suffering from a recurring nightmare where the crowd can actually hear their bassist’s performance, horrified sources report....

Hard Digest November 15: Trump Picks, Early Access Sorrow Harvesters, Cigarettes, brat, and More

Overly Confident Matt Gaetz Claims He Could Expose Himself to a Tween on Fifth Avenue and He Wouldn’t Lose Any Followers

By Tim Sheard 

WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from ...

Hard Digest November 14: Matt Gaetz, Early Access George R.R. Martin, Crust Punks, Sleep Schedules, and More

Attorney General Nominee Matt Gaetz Requests to Be Sworn in on Epstein’s Little Black Book

By Matt Husser 

WASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’...

MVP: Reel Big Fish "Sellout"

It's about time we did a ska video, so this week Bill and Dan break down the 1996 video classic "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. So go ahead and pretend you never had a ska phase, we know the truth and we know you love this song.

Watch the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEKbFMvkLIc

Hard Digest November 13: Early Access Tubi, Goodreads, Drummers, and More

Second Page of Tubi Search Results Offers Horrifying Glimpse Into the Absolute Dregs of Human Creative Output

By Steve Packosky 

SALEM, Ore. – Local resident Lourdes Castello caught a horrifying glimpse into the worst creative slop humanity has to offer when she casually searched streaming...

Hard Digest November 12: Early Access Grindcore, Dive Bar Toilets, Pop Punk Frontmen, and More

Grindcore Frontman with Writer’s Block Only Writing 19 Songs a Day

By Ben Friedman 

FORT WORTH, Texas — The lead singer of local grindcore band Razor Masturbator found his creative output drop dramatically after his debilitating writer’s block had him down to writing only 19 songs per da...

Hard Digest November 11: Early Access Dave Grohl, Midwest Punks, and More

Dave Grohl Forced to Tell Second Family About Even Secreter Third Family

By Travis Tack

BANGOR, Maine — Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl was left with no choice but to tell his second family about his even more confidential family, confirmed sources wondering how many others he had.

“The oth...

Hard Digest November 10: Early Access Slayer, Mike Patton, Mixing, and More

Middle-Aged Man Wearing Slayer Shirt Automatically Prescribed Hypertension Medicine Upon Walking Into Doctor’s Office

By Steve Packosky 

DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to...

Hard Digest November 9: Early Access Marilyn Manson, "Welcome to the Jungle," and More

Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Depict First Telling of Marilyn Manson Rib Surgery Story

By Carson Kile 

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.

“It...

Hard Digest November 8: Early Access Matt Skiba, Serial Killers, and More

Matt Skiba Stares Out Rain Flecked Window Wondering if Mark and Travis Think About Him Too

By Matt Oriente 

CHICAGO — Former Blink-182 guitarist Matt Skiba was seen staring out a window on a rainy day this past week while wondering if Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker think about him too, confi...

Hard Digest November 7: More Election Fallout and Early Access Posts

J.D. Vance Makes History as the First Openly “Extremely Unsettling to Be Around” Vice President

By The Hard Times Staff 

WASHINGTON — Vice President-elect J.D. Vance made history earlier this week when he became the first person to hold the office who is extremely unsettling to be around a...

MVP: Rage Against the Machine "Testify"

Rage Against the Machine fixed politics back in 2000, and ever since then nothing has ever gone wrong. Today Bill and Dan break down this music video that destroyed the two-party system.

Watch the video: https://youtu.be/Q3dvbM6Pias?si=ErZj9P_I-OmxWnHO

Hard Digest November 6: Election Fallout, Early Access Articles, and More

History Buff Excited to Experience What 1930s Germany Was Like

By Tim Graham 

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. – Local World War II enthusiast Edward Spencer says he is looking forward to witnessing the rise of fascism unfold in real-time, horrified sources confirm.

“It’s pretty rare that you get an ...

Hard Digest November 5: Election Coverage and Early Access Articles

Trump Makes Final Appeal to Voters “If You Don’t Vote For Me I’ll Fucking Kill You”

By The Hard Times Staff 

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for me I’ll fucking kill you,�...

Hard Digest November 4: Kamala Harris, Quincy Jones, Early Access Rice-A-Roni, Jay Gatsby, and More

Kamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot Album

By Ben Friedman 

DES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was by far “Vol...

Hard Digest November 3: Early Access Soul Patches, Tour Riders, and More

Friends Stage Emergency Intervention Over Man’s Refusal to Shave Soul Patch

By Ben Friedman 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.

“It’s been...

Hard Digest November 2: Early Access Skinheads, Elder Abuse, Tattoos, and More

Reformed Skinhead Speaking Engagements Dry Up as Everyone Goes Back to Being Racist

By Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Reformed skinhead, public speaker, and talking head Tom Lupine is struggling to make ends meet as America’s racial tolerance landscape continues to shift, sources confirmed. 2024-11-03 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest November 1: J.D. Vance, Early Access Political Ads, Municipal Waste, The Art of War, and More

J.D. Vance Assures Rogan Listeners He’s Just a Normal Guy Bankrolled By Multiple Vindictive Billionaires Like Everyone Else He Grew Up With In His Rust Belt Town

By The Hard Times Staff 

AUSTIN, Texas — J.D. Vance sat down for a three-hour interview with popular podcaster Joe Rogan to let p...