thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 22: Early Access Summer Clothing, Instagram, Social Interactions, and More Free Vinyl,

Punk Who Wears Too Little Clothing in Winter Excited to Now Wear Too Much In Summer

BY MATTHEW SCHNEEMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Bobby Anderson, who spent the winter underdressed, is excited to spend the summer wearing way more clothes than anyone would deem necessary, sources close to...

Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Joe Rogan, Chappell Roan, The Crusades, Credit Card Debt, and More

Joe Rogan Accidentally Books Mindforce After Mistaking Them for Supplement Company

BY TIM GRAHAM 

AUSTIN, Texas — Hardcore band Mindforce appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast after they were mistaken for a brain-boosting supplement, according to confused, kettlebell-curling sources. 2024-06-22 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest June 20: Kendrick, Early Access Male Feminists, Gordon Ramsay, Sigur Ros, and More

Male Feminist Corrects Female Coworker by Insisting She Had “Women’s” Night Out

BY DOUG KOLIC 

VANCOUVER, Wash. – Local office worker and self-proclaimed feminist Bryce Coquet loudly reprimanded a female coworker for having the audacity to mention that she had a “girl’s” night out t...

More Removed Content

The beauty of being a Patron is you get to see things that the social media companies take down immediately. We thought we were playing by the rules, but I guess not. Anyway, here is a promotional Reel for the latest episode of Mvp that was taken down within 10 seconds of being published. Enjoy. And go listen to the latest episode of Mvp, we made it for you.

Mvp: Madonna "Like a Prayer"

We are down on our knees ready to take you there with an all-new episode of Mvp. This week Bill and Dan break down the iconic, controversial, and bat shit crazy video for "Like a Prayer" and Bill tells a story that guarantees this episode won't be coming out from behind the paywall.

Tell your friends to sign up for the Patreon so they can listen to the podcast as well and you can discuss it with them over brunch.

Watch the video here: 2024-06-20 08:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest June 19: Justin Timberlake, Ted Cruz, Early Access Healthy Eating, The Worst -Phile, Feminist Allies, and More

Justin Timberlake Writes Entire Album About How Long Island Iced Tea Is a Lying Whore

BY SARAH CORTINA

SAG HARBOR, NY — Justin Timberlake announced his next album will be about how the popular alcoholic beverage Long Island Iced Tea is a lying whore in response to is DUI arrest earlier this week...

Hard Digest June 18: NBA Final, Early Access Popeye, Lemon Law, Losers, and More

Boston Celtics Beat Dallas Mavericks in NBA Championship as Final Revenge for JFK

BY ERIC SCHWARTZ

BOSTON — Players, coaches, and administrators for the Boston Celtics celebrated their record-breaking 18th title and claimed the victory was revenge for the city of Dallas killing the 35th president...

Hard Digest June 17: Early Access "All the Small Things," Therapists, Stolen Riffs, and More

Scientists Confirm 97% of Millennials Programmed To Stop Where They Are and Sing Along to “All the Small Things”

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University’s Department of Psychology made a breakthrough discovery confirming that 97% of Millennials are progr...

Hard Digest June 16: Father's Day, Early Access Original Lineups, Chicken Parm, Good Guys With Guns, and More

Band Launches “See Original Lineup Before One of Them Dies” Tour

BY PATRICK CROOKS 

LOS ANGELES — Citing the ever-increasing reality of their impending mortality, members of the iconic punk band Broken Tongue announced the original line-up was getting together to...

Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Father's Day, Boomers, and More

Absent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing It

BY MIKE MAHER 

SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single impor...

Hard Digest June 14: X, Early Access Firefighters, Grave Digger, The Green Mile, Local Pizza, and More

Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private

BY ERIC SCHWARTZ 

WASHINGTON — Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple s...

Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Pledge of Allegiance, James Bond, Toyotathon, and More

Heartbreaking: Annoying Kid That Refused to Do Pledge of Allegiance in High School Was 100% Right

BY MATT HUSSER 

TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Blake Crawford was reportedly heartbroken while attending his 20-year high school reunion after coming to the realization that the once annoying kid Zac...

MVP: Suicidal Tendencies "Institutionalized"

Grab a Pepsi and tell your parents you hate them, this week Bill and Dan break down the classic music video for "Institutionalized." If you like skateboarding, angst, and bad lip syncing then this video is for you.

Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/LoF_a0-7xVQ?si=iHdn2M7s0SM9T3nJ

Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Taylor Swift, Rivers Cuomo, Mickey Mouse, and More

Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songs

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD 

WORCESTER, Mass. — Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music sinc...

Hard Digest June 11: Early Access Food Trucks, Mentos, Bob Dylan, and More

Regrets of Going to Show on Tuesday Night Lessened by Food Truck Parked Outside

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

LOS ANGELES. — Local man Derek Mitchum regretted attending a show at The Smell music venue on a work night until a local food truck parked outside to sell artisan poutine, several gravy-stained so...

Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Door Guy, Waiters, Taco Tuesday, and More

Bummer: Entire Show Cancelled After Door Guy Loses Marker

BY CHRIS BOWEN

SEATTLE — A recent punk show at High Dive was canceled last-minute after door guy Morgan Dieter lost his one and only marker, sources confirmed.

“Without an inking implement, I am unable to do my job of making a little ...

Hard Digest June 9: Early Access Free Climbing, They Might Be Giants, Envy, and More

Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of Stage

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.

“Some p...

Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Milo Goes to Trade School, Missed Connections, Skateboarding, Adult Leagues, and More

Annoying Conservative Tells Milo He “Should Have Gone to Trade School Instead”

BY CHRIS BOWEN

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Unbearable conservative Doug Tannenburg told Descendents logo Milo that he should have chosen trade school instead of going to college in the ‘80s, confirmed irritated sou...

Hard Digest June 7: Early Access RHCP, Couples Therapy, Pride, Emily the Strange, and More

Parents Force Teenage Son to Listen to Entire Red Hot Chili Peppers Discography as Punishment for Adding “Dani California” to Family Playlist

BY ROBERT BUTLER

SEATTLE — Local parents Chris and Maggie Nelson forced their teenage son to listen to the entire Red Hot Chili Peppers discography as...

Hard Digest June 6: Israel Bombing, Steve Bannon, Early Access AxC, Gentrifcation, Day Trader Dominance, and More

Israel Shows Support For Western Culture By Committing Mass Murder At School

BY TIM SHEARD 

CENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of hav...

Mvp: Beastie Boys "Sabotage"

Today we break down one of the best music videos of all time. If "Sabotage" isn't in your top 3 favorite music videos then go take a long hard look in the mirror, then call your parents and ask them the following question "Where did you go wrong when raising me?" Go listen to the episode.

Watch the music video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rRZdiu1UE

Hard Digest June 5: Early Access Creative Projects, Nosferatu, Ball Busting, and More

Man Finally Feeling Ready to Begin Creative Project 80 Years After Dying

BY JOHN DANEK 

BATON ROUGE, La. — The ghost of Winston Batts, a cobbler and hobbyist clarinetist who died in 1944, is finally inspired enough to begin work on his first big band jazz album, skeptical angels reported.

Hard Digest June 4: Slipknot, Early Access Hot Topic, Addiction, Golden Tickets, and More

Circle of Life: Man Conceived In Bathroom At Slipknot Concert Plans to Follow in His Parent’s Footsteps At 25th Anniversary Tour

BY JUS KAPLAN

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local metalhead Lonny Godwin, a man who was conceived in the handicapped stall in the bathroom of The Union Bar in Iowa City duri...

Hard Digest June 3: The First Female President?, Early Access Goths, Brain Cancer, Metalheads, and More

President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three Months

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

WASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also...

Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Danzig, Hybrids, Wind Farms, and More

Black Cat at Adoption Event Still Holding Out Hope Danzig Will Show Up

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

LOS ANGELES — Local shelter cat Midnight is holding out hope that legendary frontman Glenn Danzig will show up in the waning minutes of today’s adoption event to bring him back to a spooky forever ...

Hard Digest June 1: Trump's Big Wave, Early Access Brand New Coverups, Malaise, Birds, and Taylor Swift

Long Island Tattooer Still Makes Good Living Covering Up Brand New Lyrics

BY VINCENT IVES

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.

“It wasn’t like ‘BOOM!’, the news broke, and then suddenly I had a queue ...

Hard Digest May 31: Trump Fallout, Early Access The Red Chord, Drinking, Target, Banking, and More

QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 Convictions

BY TREVOR GRAHAM 

BOISE, Idaho. —  Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed ...

Hard Digest May 30: Trump Trial Updates, Early Access Instagram Doctors, Barenaked Ladies, Blood Donations, and More

Donald Trump Announces Sweeping New Policy On Prison Reform

BY HARRY VALENTINE 

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping series of policy changes intended to overhaul the United States prison system shortly after being convicted of 34 felonies related to falsifying d...

Mvp: The White Stripes "Fell In Love With A Girl"

This week Bill and Dan break down the award winning video for "Fell In Love With A Girl" from The White Stripes. Travel back in time with us to 2002 as we dig into every single detail you will ever need to know about this music video.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTH71AAxXmM

Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Ukulele, Family, Divinyls, and More

Ukulele Player Realizes Full Potential Recording Song for Herpes Medication Ad Campaign

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

CHERRY VALLEY, N.Y. — Ukulele artist Laurel D’Amato recently experienced a huge career leap when she was offered a gig as a jingle writer for a herpes medication, Grundlenex, excited source...