thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 28: Pope Francis, Early Access Anxiety, Baby Reindeer, Netflix, and More

Pope Francis Offered Three Netflix Stand-Up Specials Following Use of Gay Slur

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is reportedly in talks with executives at Netflix to film three exclusive stand-up comedy specials after His Holiness used a homophobic slur during closed-doo...

Hard Digest May 27: Early Access Punk Dad, Eames Chairs, Pop Punk Veterans, and More

Punk Dad Disgusted Men’s Room Doesn’t Have a Changing Table to Do Coke Off Of

BY DAN BOOKBINDER 

ATHENS, Ga. — Local punk Adam Rondeau was absolutely outraged that a venue did not provide a changing table in the men’s room so he could snort cocaine off of it, confirmed sources who sa...

Hard Digest May 26: Early Access Guitar Center, Elon Musk, Parasocial Relationships, and More

Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoi...

Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Henry Rollins, Whole Foods, Sex Toys, Dental Care, and More

Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel Lonely

BY DAN KOZUH 

NASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record before leaving for work each morning in orde...

Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Dead Kennedys, IDF, Baja Blast, Buckcherry, and More

Right-Wing Punk Revisiting Dead Kennedys Discography Wondering When Band Went Woke

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local conservative, and self-proclaimed free thinking punk, Eddie Duff was confused by what he described as “woke propaganda” in Dead Kennedys lyrics while relisteni...

Hard Digest May 23: Early Access Internet Detectives, A24, Jury Duty, and More

Internet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving Case

BY DAN KOZUH 

PADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph “RurualSherlock” Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely innocent individuals before promptly...

NEW PODCAST ALERT

Hello everyone, today we are debuting a new podcast that is for Patreon supporters only, that's you. The best damn people in the world. Each week the editors you know and tolerate from The Hard Times are going to break down a classic music video. Let us know which videos you want to see by leaving us a comment. The first two episodes are in your feed now. You can listen to them in your podcast app of choice by going to the main Hard Times Patreon page (on mobile) clicki...

Mvp w/ Bill and Dan: Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun"

We are double dipping today. These are the first two episodes of our new podcast, just for you. Those scumbags that want everything for free will never hear this episode. Bill and Dan break down "Black Hole Sun" and we hope you enjoy it as we figure out what the hell we're doing.

Mvp w/ Bill and Dan: Green Jellÿ "3 Little Pigs"

What do we have here? A new podcast that's just for you Patreon supporters. The Hard Times Editors Bill Conway and Dan Rice break down the classic music video for "3 Little Pigs."

Hard Digest May 22: Early Access Villains, Trump, Ghosthunters, and More

Top-Hatted Guy Twiddling Handlebar Mustache in Crowd Watches as Guitarist Inches Closer to Stepping on Landmine Disguised as Pedal

BY JOE RUMRILL 

KETTLE FALLS, Wash. — Local “Snidely Whiplash-type” Grivelsby Slinkslip was seen leering intently in the crowd for a shoegaze show as he wai...

48 FLASH SALE 40% EVERYTHING IN STOCK

Hello Patrons, to celebrate the 40th birthday of our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief Bill Conway we've decided to do a huge sale. Go stock up on merch and if you see Bill in person today make sure you punch him in the stomach.

Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Bigfoot, Oasis, Owning the Libs, and More

Pissed Cryptozoologist Mistakes J Mascis for Bigfoot Again

BY PATRICK COYNE 

MAUPIN, Ore. — Deflated cryptozoologist Sam Pennington expressed his frustration after once again mistaking Dinosaur Jr. lead singer and guitarist J Mascis for the elusive Bigfoot, multiple colleagues confirmed. 2024-05-22 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Leather Jacket, Blink-182, Bill Maher, and More

Cooler Guy Wears Two Leather Jackets

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

AUSTIN, Texas — Local cool guy Jared Bellweather left his house wearing two leather jackets in an attempt to double-up on his self-perceived hip appearance, confirmed sources who tried to tell him that’s not how that worked.

�...

Hard Digest May 19: Early Access Nirvana Expose, Soul-Crushing Jobs, Friends, and More

Explosive Exposé Reveals How Music Industry Created Nirvana To Sell Graphic Tees At Target 30 Years Later

BY JUS KAPLAN 

NEW YORK – A tell-all HBO documentary is sending shockwaves through America after revealing the iconic grunge band Nirvana was an industry plant created in1987 specifi...

Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Jail, Posers, Baby Boomers, The Strokes, and More

Guy Who’s Always Wanted To Learn Harmonica Excited For Lengthy Jail Sentence

BY JOE RUMRILL 

CREST HILL, Ill. — Newly convicted felon Silas Deane Highway is reportedly looking forward to his 6-8 year prison sentence because he’s always dreamed of mastering the harmonica, sources confirmed...

Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Jawbreaker, Makeovers, Ed Hardy, Gambling, and More

‘90s Punk Fan Wondering When It’s Going To Be Cool To Mindlessly Hate Jawbreaker Again

BY JAMES KNAPP

OAKLAND, Calif. — Damien Pocket, a longtime “fan” of early ‘90s proto-emo outfit Jawbreaker, recently began wondering when it’s going to once again become accepted practice in the scene...

Hard Digest May 16: Early Access Sobriety, Song Meanings, Mars Volta, and More

Punk Proud of Favorite Artist’s Sobriety Until He Credits It to God

BY JOSH BAUMGART

NEW ORLEANS — Ian McSeamus, the infamous frontman of the punk band Ghost Chode, announced that he is celebrating six months of sobriety which drew a huge reaction until he attributed the accomplishment to his f...

Hard Digest May 15: Israel Aid, Early Access FAFSA, Dad's, Drivers, and More

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

QUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government fundi...

Hard Digest May 14: Early Access Pop-Tarts, Drinking Buddies, Punk Prom, and More

Study Shows Millennials Have Eaten Enough Pop -Tarts And Bagel Bites To Completely Preserve Their Bodies Up To 100 Years After Death

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN 

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A recent study from Stanford University concluded that millennials have eaten enough Pop-Tarts and Bagel Bites to c...

Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Studio Banter, Danny Tanner, Climate Change, and More

Studio Banter Left on Album Really Highlighting Band’s Insufferability in Whole New Way

BY MIMI KENNY

SAN DIEGO — The in-studio banter left on the latest album by post-space-rock outfit Hadron Collision showed just how much range the group has in terms of being unbearable douche-heads, several so...

Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Ben and Jerry's, Morning Meetings, Privilege, and More

Ben and Jerry’s Collaborate With Mac DeMarco to Release Cigarette and Black Coffee Ice Cream

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

WATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast o...

Hard Digest May 11: Early Access, Mother's Day, Stick and Pokes, Fashion Hacks, and More

Lone Woman in Metal Scene Completely Unaware She’s a Mother Figure to Almost Everyone

BY DAN KOZUH 

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Heavy metal fan and the lone adult female in the local metal scene, Kara Morgan, unintentionally became a maternal figure to nearly everyone in the community, anonymous sources...

Hard Digest May 10: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Your Brain, Jake From State Farm, Boner Pills, and More

New KORG Guitar Pedal Cancels Negative Feedback From Bandmates

BY KEVIN TIT 

MELVILLE, N.Y. — Notable music technology corporation KORG released a new guitar pedal designed to cancel negative comments and other feedback from bandmates, agitated musicians confirm.

“This pedal is a game cha...

Hard Digest May 9: Brain Worms, Early Access The Hold Steady, Hangovers, Food Banks, and More

Trump Brags His Brain Worms Are Still Alive and Very Strong

BY MATT HUSSER

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that unlike Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his brain worms were still alive and “very strong,” sources confirmed during a brief recess at his hush money trial.

“...

Hard Digest May 8: Steve Albini, Trump Trial, Early Access Oi!, Posers, Band Names, and More

Steve Albini Standing Outside Gates of Heaven Telling Everyone How Much He Hates the Smashing Pumpkins

BY TRAVIS TACK 

PEARLY GATES — Legendary musician, producer, and music journalist Steve Albini spent the first few moments of his afterlife ranting about how bad the Smashing Pumpkins suck ...

Hard Digest May 7: Stormy Daniels, Ceasefire, Early Access Make-A-Wish Kids, White Rappers, Cocaine, and More

Juror in Trump Hush Money Trial Unsure of Where He Recognizes Stormy Daniels From

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER 

NEW YORK – Juror number 6 in Trump’s hush money case admitted to being completely baffled as to where he recognized former adult porn star Stormy Daniels from after she took the stan...

Hard Digest May 6: Kendrick/Drake Beef, Early Access Elton John, Discovery, Michael Winslow, and More

Drake Reveals That He Was Only Being Creepy To Girls For 15 Years To Bait Kendrick Into Talking About It

BY CHARLES BILL

TORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls fo...

Hard Digest May 5: Early Access New Order, Chuck Klosterman, and Bird Watching

New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty Mundane

BY JOHN DANEK

MANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.

“I...

Hard Digest May 4: Early Access BOSS, Sublime, Documentary Films, Boycotts, and More

BOSS Finally Releases Pedal That Makes Guitar Sound Like “Jack Black Impersonating a Guitar Solo”

BY JOE RUMRILL 

HAMAMATSU, Japan — Pedal manufacturer BOSS announced that they will finally be releasing a pedal that sounds like Jack Black scatting a very dope guitar solo, sources confir...

Hard Digest May 3: Early Access Björk, Alpha Males, Success, and More

Reykjavik Residents Reminded to Keep Windows Closed During Annual Björk Spraying

BY PATRICK CROOKS

REYKJAVIK, Iceland — City officials announced that the annual spraying for feral Björks will begin this week and that residents should take necessary precautions to avoid being contaminated by ...