thehardtimes

Some free game copies for patrons

It's Game Night! Check the latest installment of our indie games review column.

https://hard-drive.net/news-games/game-night-getting-self-consciously-old-school-with-geneforge-2/

Want a copy of this week's game? We have 6 extra. Leave a note here and I'll message you

Hard Digest May 2: Boeing, Early Access Merch, Wings, Aging, and More

Boeing Swears They Just Only Hire Suicidal People

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO 

ARLINGTON, Va. – Executives at Boeing responded to the mysterious death of a second whistleblower by claiming the company has a longstanding policy of only hiring people with suicidal thoughts and actions, multiple sou...

Hard Digest May 1: Police Abuse, Early Access Unsold Records, Cool Kids, They Might Be Giants, and More

Cop Practices For Long Day of Busting Protests By Beating Teenage Children at Home

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

LOS ANGELES — Local police officer Mark Woodside warmed up for a long day of work beating college kids peacefully protesting genocide by knocking around his teenage children who were tr...

Hard Digest April 30: Marijuana, Early Access TikTok, Bill Murray, Nextdoor, and More

DEA Reschedules Marijuana After Having Their Minds Blown at Those Phish Sphere Concerts

BY JASON VANSLYCKE

WASHINGTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency announced plans to reschedule marijuana from the strict Schedule I classification to the chiller Schedule III after experiencing a “mind-bendi...

Hard Digest April 29: Kristi Noem, Early Access Elvis, Skinny Jeans, Six Feet Under, and More

Kristi Noem Saves Face by Claiming Dog She Shot Was Infected with Woke Mind Virus

BY STEPHEN BELL 

PIERRE, S.D. – South Dakota Governor and potential Trump 2024 running mate Kristi Noem tried to save face after admitting to shooting her dog by claiming that the dog was infected with the �...

Hard Digest April 28: Early Access Real Punks, Cancel Culture, TikTok, and More

Punk Can’t Decide if They Should Be the Kind of Punk That Knows a Lot About Government or Jack Shit

BY MATTHEW SCHNEEMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Brian Meddleson, a 20-year-old who has recently gotten into punk music, is openly debating on whether he will be a ‘don’t give a shit�...

Hard Digest April 27: Early Access The Toadies, Viral Videos, Kentucky Derby, Dads, and More

Parent Playing Animal-Themed Playlist at Children’s Party Beginning to Think Toadies Song Not About Possums

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO 

SAN DIEGO – Local parent Nicholas Klein began to question the playlist he made for his kid’s wild animal-themed birthday party after finally paying attentio...

Hard Digest April 26: Trump Trial, Early Access Krist Novoselic, Posers, Neoliberals, Excuses, and More

Trump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas Station

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enqu...

Hard Digest April 25: Police Abuse, Early Access Elon, Capitalism, Jam Bands, and More

Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid Vacation

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University...

Wanna write for Hard Times or Hard Drive? Here's how.

How to write a satire headline: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EPhYYDnkNdFFIA5K6ZfWlCrefyoulxKNrLmy6rfbV60/edit

Pitch Hard Drive: https://forms.gle/2MY3bZhVeE5RyV3V8

Pitch Hard Times: 2024-04-25 21:36:29 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Keith Richards, Online Dating, Trojan Horses, and More

Rolling Stones Manager Admits to “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing Keith Richards for Last 35 Years

BY JOE RUMRILL

LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ lo...

Hard Digest April 23: Early Access Fantasy Metal, Molly, Rap Skits, and More

Fantasy Metal Show’s Coat Check Consists Primarily of Capes

BY COURTNEY HILL 

LANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears. 2024-04-24 00:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post

Winners announced! Check your email to see if you won

Hey everyone!

Check your email. I just sent out individualized codes for all the winners of our patron raffle from matt@thehardtimes.net. The codes should let you pick any item from https://hardshoppes.com/ and get it for free. Any hang ups or questions hit me up at matt@outvoice.com...

Hard Digest April 22: Early Access The Smiths Reunion?, Criterion Closet, Boomers, and More

Morrissey, Johnny Marr Pretend Not to See Each Other at Grocery Store

BY TIM GRAHAM 

MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each ot...

Hard Digest April 21: Early Access Ruby Soho, Nostalgia, Health Insurance, and More

Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.

�...

Hard Digest April 20: Chicago Hardcore, Komodo Dragons, Authors, Past Success, and More

NBC Adds “Chicago Hardcore” to City-Themed Lineup

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

LOS ANGELES — NBC announced they would be expanding its One Chicago universe this fall by focusing on the punk scene with “Chicago Hardcore,” network executives have confirmed.

“I’ll admit that we’ve exhausted ev...

Hard Digest April 19: Taylor Swift, Early Access 420, Record Store Day, Blue's Clues, ICP, and More

Internet Detectives Believe New Taylor Swift Track “Florida!!!” About Troubled Relationship With Swamp-Dwelling Skunk Ape

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

APALACHICOLA, Fla. — Dedicated Swifties across the internet believe the new Taylor Swift song “Florida!!!” is about her highly publicize...

Hard Digest April 18: Ukraine, Early Access Black Metal, Sludge, Perverts, and More

Facebook Launches “Most Powerful Profile Picture Filter Yet” in Support of Ukraine Against Russian Invasion

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

MENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine...

Hard Digest April 18: 20 Years of Tears, Early Access Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Bible, Home Ownership, and More

VIP Tickets for “20 Years of Tears” Tour Include Exclusive Access to Leave Early to Beat the Traffic

BY BOBBY KOREC 

DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access...

Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Weezer, Pizza, Sobriety, and More

Weezer Deciding If Next Album Should Be One of the Good Ones or Not

BY DUSTIN NEWMAN

LOS ANGELES — Iconic rock band Weezer are hard at work trying to decide whether their next album will be one of the more enjoyable ones or one that is universally panned, confirmed sources who stopped caring fiv...

Hard Digest April 15: Early Access Jamiroquai, Grindcore, Babies, and More

Grindcore Band Argues Over What 473 Songs They Have Written Should Go on New Record

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

SEATTLE — Members of local grindcore band Gestation Crate were unable to settle a debate about which 473 songs of theirs should belong on their upcoming album, confirmed sources who recommended...

Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Raw Meat Diet, AOL Running Man, Mitch McConnell, and More

Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the Process

BY BEN FRIEDMAN | APRIL 15, 2024

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources...

Hard Digest April 13: Early Access Trump, Emotional Walls, Eric Clapton, TikTok Music, and More

Trump Brags About Latest Cognitive Test After Crushing Kids Menu Maze

BY PATRICK COYNE 

HAZELTON, Pa. — Former President Trump took time during a campaign rally to brag about successfully completing another cognitive test after finishing the puzzles on a Denny’s kids menu “without any ...

Hard Digest April 12: Golden Bachelor, Early Access Biden, Sellouts, Sum-41, Elder Millennials, and More

Inspiring! Golden Bachelor Proves You’re Never Too Old to Get Married, Give it Three Months, Then Get Divorced

BY MIRIAM JAYARATNA 

“The Golden Bachelor” first captured the nation’s heart with a romantic tale of two widowed septuagenarians who were able to find love again later in li...

Hard Digest April 11: O.J. Simpson, Early Access Pig Kidneys, Discmans, Practice Space, and More

Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before Passing

BY DOUG KOLIC 

LAS VEGAS – Former football star and accused double-murderer OJ Simpson took one last instinctual swipe at a blonde nurse standing nearby just before taking his final dying breath, according to ...

Patron appreciation giveaway. Free records, shirts, more

Hey everyone!

If you're a Patron, you've just been entered into a raffle. Winners will receive a code that gives them the ability to (digitally) run through our merch store, which is filled with some of our favorite punk/hardcore records, video game vinyl, hard times and hard drive t-shirts, etc and grab any item they want. You'll also get free shipping.

Any new Patron this week will also get entered into the raffle. We'll send winners their code 4/18/24.

Hard Digest April 10: Gun Laws, Early Access PornHub, Sobriety, Record Stores, and More

Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Members of the Florida Senate quickly passed a new bill last night that will allow teachers K-12 to publicly pistol whip students who are late to class, confirm...

Hard Digest April 9: Early Access Metal Merch, Porn Addiction, the Wienermobile, and More

Metal Band’s Merch Guy Offers to Remove Sleeves From Any Shirt for Additional Fee

BY CHRIS BOWEN

HOUSTON — Merch guy for the heavy metal band Beast of Damocles Eric Jennie provides an extra service for any customers who want the sleeves cut off of any shirt at the band’s merch table for a smal...

Hard Digest April 8: Early Access Alcoholism, Gary Busey, Lullabys and More

Concerned Friends and Family Fear Man Has Reached “‘80s Speed Metal Fan” Level of Alcoholism

BY CHRIS BOWEN

TORONTO — Family and friends of local man Neil Dupont are growing increasingly concerned for his health after showing signs that his alcohol problem has reached the point of someone...

Hard Digest April 7: Early Access Solar Eclipse, Disney Adults, Poser Babies, and More

Bonnie Tyler Projected To Earn $1.47 Off “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” Spotify Streams During Solar Eclipse

BY JERROD KINGERY

AUSTIN, Texas – Recording artist Bonnie Tyler is projected to rake in a record $1.47 from Spotify as millions of users are expected to stream her 1983 hit “Total...