thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 6: WrestleMania, Early Access Indie Bands, SNL, Revenge Body, and More

Dad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship

BY MATT HUSSER

PHILADELPHIA — Local dad Ken Schmidt reportedly spent the majority of a father-son trip to WrestleMania 40 commenting on the poor craftsmanship of the ringside tables, wrestling fans sitting near the...

Hard Digest April 5: Earthquake, Early Access Title Fight, Dogs, Instagram, David Bowie, and More

New York City Residents Instructed to Stay Home to Avoid Small Talk About Earthquake

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER

NEW YORK — City officials are warning area residents to stay indoors for fear they might get stuck in a never-ending chit-chat loop following a 4.7 magnitude earthquake.

“One of ...

Hard Digest April 4: Joe Biden, WrestleMania, Early Access Iron Maiden, Therapy, and More

Outraged Joe Biden Says We Won’t Personally Kiss Each Missile In Next Round of Artillery Sent to Israel

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden is reportedly fuming after Israel’s military killed seven aid workers and said he will no longer kiss every bomb and gun the United S...

Hard Digest April 3: Disney, Early Access Alkaline Trio, Hockey, Leftovers, and More

New Disney Movie Teaches Kids The Magical Whimsy of Maximizing Shareholder Value

BY SARAH CORTINA

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney announced at their latest board meeting that their latest film would teach kids the real-world magic that is economics, particularly maximizing shareholder value, confirm...

Hard Digest April 2: Clickhole Rent-A-Headline, Early Access Bill Nye, Cat Lovers, Rockabilly, and More

Straight Edge Band Breaks Edge On Stage 5 Minutes Into First Show

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

BOSTON — Members of local straight edge band Hard Pass reportedly broke edge in front of a small crowd within minutes of taking the stage at their first show, confirmed multiple heartbroken sources.

�...

Hard Digest April 1: Early Access Andrew W.K., Tenure, Animoprhs, and More

Andrew W.K. Tries to Convince Friends He Always Wore Pink Jeans After Laundry Mishap

BY JOE RUMRILL

LOS ANGELES — An errant red shirt in a recent laundry load led party-rock mainstay Andrew W.K. to attempt to convince those around him that he actually always wore fuschia-colored jeans, so...

Hard Digest 03/31: More Easter, Early Access Metallica, Vaporwave, Ageism, and More

Child Laborer at Fast Fashion Warehouse Can’t Keep Up with Metallica Partnerships

BY ZAC LUX

BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t keep up with the production of Metallica branded clothing.<...

Hard Digest March 30: Early Access Easter, Therapy, Squatting, and More

Punk Celebrates Easter by Painting Eggs Before Throwing Them at Police Station

BY AUDREY VIEIRA

AUSTIN — Local punk Kyle Burnett’s annual Easter egg painting tradition took an interesting turn after he drove to a nearby police station to throw them at the building, sources with egg on their fa...

Hard Digest March 29: Early Access Ghost, Dogs, Flash Animation, Finances, and More

Ghost Plays Show With Hotel Wastebaskets Over Heads After Luggage Containing Masks Gets Lost at Airport

BY CHRIS BOWEN

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Occult rockers Ghost performed their entire show with wastebaskets from a local Marriott on their heads after TSA lost their trademark masks in transit, severa...

Hard Digest March 28: Early Access AI Art, Social Media, Skechers, and More

AI-Generated Metal Album Artwork Gives Rotting Corpse Horrifying Amount of Fingers

BY AUDREY VIEIRA

BALTIMORE — Local death metal band Infested Remains landed in hot water after fans criticized the AI-generated corpse on their latest album’s artwork for looking “weird” and “anatomicall...

Hard Digest March 26: The Supreme Court, Early Access Custody, Edgelords, New Drummer, and More

Male Supreme Court Justices Finally Learn Details About Abortion Pill They’ve Paid for Countless Times

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court heard arguments for and against a ban on the abortion pill, Tuesday, with the male Justices showing a specific interest in learning more ...

Hard Digest March 25: Early Access Lay Offs, Class War, Free-Thinkers, and More

CEO Calls All Hands on Deck Meeting to Tell Employees About Cool Band He Discovered, Also Massive Layoffs

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

PALO ALTO, Calif. — CEO Steve Westwood of tech juggernaut SnaxR called an emergency all-hands-on-deck meeting to excitedly inform employees of a cool band he discovered and th...

Hard Digest March 24: Early Access Karaoke, Work, Polycules, and More

Man Humiliated at Karaoke Bar After Forgetting Lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World”

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Jeff Abrams made a complete ass of himself after blanking on the lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World” during his performance at karaoke, confirmed sources...

Hard Digest March 23: Early Access Goth Shoes, Sex, Mid-Life Crisis, Trump, and More

Goth Woman Uses Incognito Mode to Shop for Sensible Shoes

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

SEATTLE – An integral member of the local goth scene caused an uproar when it was discovered she was using the Incognito Mode on her browser to shop for sensible shoes, concerned friends report.

“I went ...

Hard Digest March 22: Early Acces Neil Young Returns to Spotify, Ben Shapiro, and More

Neil Young Returns to Spotify After Realizing He Needs a Few Quarters to Feed Parking Meter

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

LOS ANGELES — Legendary musician Neil Young begrudgingly returned to Spotify after two years when he was short on loose change to feed a parking meter, sources close to the situatio...

Hard Digest March 21: Early Access Rick Rubin, Infinite Jest, Garage Bands, and More

The Next Rick Rubin? I Have No Technical Skills or Musical Ability and Would Like To Produce Your Album

BY JOSH BAUMGART

So a lot of people are talking about me, about how I cracked the code to their album, how I unleashed the songs imprisoned inside them, how I’m the unseen voice of the cultur...

Hard Digest March 20: Kate Middleton, Early Access Tool, Yoko Ono, DIY Label, and More

Kate Middleton Body Double Conspiracy Grows After Princess Spotted With Andrew W.K., Avril Lavigne, and the Undertaker

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

LONDON — Internet detectives trying to solve the mystery surrounding Kate Middleton are dissecting a series of paparazzi photos that show the princess ou...

Hard Digest March 19: Asbestos, Early Access Apple Vision Pro, Godspeed, NYU, and More

Opinion: The Government Can Have My Asbestos When They Pry It From My Tenants’ Cold Dead Hands

BY DAN RICE

Whatever happened to liberty? What happened to freedom? What happened to the pursuit of happiness in this country, i.e. money off the backs of the less fortunate?

Recently, those pinko co...

Hard Digest March 18: Early Access Weird Al, Pink Floyd, Drinking on the Job, and More

Guy Realizing He Only Knows Lyrics to Part of Pop Song Used in Weird Al Polka Medley

BY JOE RUMRILL

MERIDEN, Conn. — Local milquetoast Artie Hangreth embarrassed himself mid-singalong in front of his partner’s friends as he realized he only truly knew the lyrics included in an old Weird Al polka m...

Hard Digest March 17: Mike Pence, Early Access Reunion Shows, Orgies, the Bible, and More

Mike Pence’s Condemnation of Trump Sways Nearly Two Voters Nationwide

BY ALEX BRADLEY 

WASHINGTON — Early reports show that as many as one vote could possibly change after Mike Pence announced Friday that he will not be endorsing Trump in the 2024 election, sources confirmed.

“I’m just a huge Mike Pe...

Hard Digest March 16: Early Access St. Patrick's Day, Financial Advice, Biden, and More

Punk’s Urine Being Green Unrelated to St. Patrick’s Day Bender

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

KUTZTOWN, Pa. — St. Patrick’s Day reveler and local punk Shane Becker was unconcerned that his green-tinted urine had nothing to do with the 15 dyed beers he’d drank, bar patrons have confirmed. 2024-03-17 00:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest March 15: Early Access IT Support, Cobb Salad, Gun Safety, and More

Punk IT Support Asks if You’ve Tried Punching the Monitor Yet

BY CARTER SCHENKE

CHICAGO — New IT support person, and self-proclaimed punk, Alex Holden is causing frustrations with fellow employees at Hawthorne Inc. by suggesting they punch their computer monitor as a means of troubleshooting their problem, mu...

Hard Times "Singles Collection" Experiment Launch

We're officially ready to launch the Hard Times Singles Collection experiment. This is an experiment only for Patrons. It's kinda like The Dating Game but for DIY/subculture. Patrons can fill out a form about themselves (think of it like a dating bio) and we'll create "collections" posts. The posts will come out with a "singles collection" of our readers from specific cities/regions, or genres, pumping them up and have patrons social media handles such that interested parties can slide into t...

Hard Digest March 14th: Early Access SVU, Stanford Prison Experiment, the Bible, and More

Punk Alleviates Guilt of Watching Nine Straight Hours of “SVU” by Whispering “ACAB” After Each Episode

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Andrew Snee recently spent an entire weekend binge-watching well-known crime drama “Law and Order: SVU” free of the guilt of cheering on a bunch of police o...

Hard Digest March 13: TikTok Ban, Boeing, Early Access George W. Bush, Underwear, Swift Records, and More

Uninsured American Hoping Doctor Duets Their Video of Weird Rash Before TikTok is Banned

BY KELLEY GREENE

LOS ANGELES — Brett Wilson, one of millions of uninsured Americans, became concerned that he may not be able to get a duet from a licensed doctor with medical advice now that the House of Representatives voted...

Hard Digest March 12: Seinfeld, Early Access Radiohead, Dracula, Prog Rock, and More

What’s the Deal With Airline Whistleblowers Mysteriously Dying? (Guest Article by Jerry Seinfeld)

BY ERIC DEGLIOMINI 

So I was reading the newspaper today and I couldn’t help but think, what’s the deal with airline whistleblowers being found with their brains blown out? Was the whistle they were blowing...

Hard Digest March 11: 311 Day, Early Access Target, Drug Dealers, and More

Child of Divorced Stoners Not Excited to Celebrate Two 311 Days

BY BOBBY KOREC 

CORAM, N.Y. — Local eight-year-old Evie Doyleson was completely turned off by the idea of having to celebrate 311 Day twice due to her recently divorced pot-loving parents having joint custody of her, sources confirmed.

“I’...

Hard Digest March 10: Early Access Drummer Isolation, Gatekeeping, Forbidden Curtains, and More

Drummer Feels Left Out After Synchronized Jump

BY RYAN CLARK 

EL SEGUNDO, Calif. — Local drummer Austin Block admitted to feeling intense jealousy, abandonment, and heartbreak when his bandmates in Genghis Pawn executed multiple jumps in unison during a recent performance, sources confirmed.

“It seems ki...

Hard Digest March 9: Early Access Kerry King, Piercers, Sweet Child O' Mine, and More

Kerry King Desperately Searching Ultimate Guitar App for Correct Tab of “Raining Blood”

BY ROB RYDER 

LOS ANGELES — Longtime Slayer guitarist Kerry King is reportedly scouring tabs on UltimateGuitar.com in a sudden attempt to relearn some of his most famous riffs before the band’s reunion shows, sources con...

Hard Digest March 8: Early Access Aging, Mountain Dew, Hydraulic Presses, and More

Aging Concertgoers Excitedly Pass Around Little Baggie of Ear Plugs

BY RUSS BIZARO 

PHILADELPHIA– A group of local concertgoers in their late 30s were spotted this past weekend excitedly passing around a little baggie of ear plugs they snuck in, sources high off breaking the rules report.

“It was a rush ...