thehardtimes

Hard Game Night

Hard Times and Hard Drive patron discord video game hang out sessions being planned.

The idea is we take all the scheduling out of it by everyone know a certain day and time of the week they will have a crew to play with. Hope in, make some friends, play some games. Writers, readers, everyone welcome.

Please vote on a time that works best for you so we can see when we should consider booking it: https://strawpol...

NEW YORK — Former Pitchfork Editor Adam Rhodes admitted he was struggling in his new role reviewing cigars after his previous employer merged with GQ Magazine, confirmed sources currently bragging about partying with Jacob Elordi.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be employed but cigars aren’t my area of expertise. If GQ wants an extensive write-up on boygenius I could do that for days, in fact, I keep pitching them on a piece called ‘The Wonderful Mind of Phoebe Bridg...

WASHINGTON — Democratic donors recently received a plea from the Biden campaign featuring a direct appeal from the President asking for assistance connecting his computer to the White House’s wireless network, sources confirm.

“It’s honestly getting annoying,” said Adrian Daniels, a frequent campaign volunteer who signed up for the Biden administration’s mailing list during the 2020 election. “Just last week, he said he needed help updating his anti-virus. It turns out tha...

Once again you find yourself trapped in a Psychobilly Freakout and realize that it’s your last chance to escape before succumbing to a life where all your friends are fully-grown men who refer to themselves as cats. How did we get here? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and replayed “Guitar Hero 2” only to discover that after 30 failed attempts of “Psychobilly Freakout” on Expert, you’re now so deep within the rockabilly scene that you’ve reached the point of no return. But it’...

APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into their life, hospital representatives reported.

“Watching my sons Phreak and Bizkit come into this world was like the nacho effect–ya know, where you grab one chip but then another is attached by melted cheese, except in this case it was two babies attached by a dreadlock,” Graff explained. “Being a new mom really...

NEW YORK — Local entertainment ticketing conglomerate Ticketmaster was inexplicably able to charge a $7.99 service fee for each MTA rider who saw Green Day perform a secret set on a New York City subway platform, outraged sources confirmed.

“I was just trying to go home from work when all a sudden I swiped my metro card and was charged like five times the normal amount. I now understand why some people jump over the turnstile. It’s clearly to avoid Ticketmaster fees,” said Manha...

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida’s state legislature is once again making waves nationwide after changing their official state bird from the Northern mockingbird to a parrot they taught to say the N-word as their bird representative, confused, but not surprised, sources confirmed.

“This bird is one of the smartest birds I have ever encountered,” stated Florida Governor Ron Desantis. “Parrots are some of the only birds that are unwilling to give into the woke mind virus that corrupt...

I bet you think you’re a big man now, don’t you? But guess what, just because you are the first and only person in human history to ever accomplish something it doesn’t mean you are special! There are more things in life than pushing the limits of human potential, and in the real world, baggage doesn’t clear itself up just because you put it away neatly. Because, unlike Tetris, the real world is not all ages.

You think you’re the shit because you beat Tetris once? Try doing th...

LANCASTER, Pa. — Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, was spotted outside of the Shady Maple Smorgasbord receiving treatment by EMTs after suffering second-degree burns caused by the glow of the buffet heat lamps, concerned sources confirmed.

“Being around fiery red heat bulbs I knew I was going to need the strongest sunblock, stronger than the stuff Marlon Brando lathers his face with in the remake of The Island of Doctor Moreau. But then I saw the line thin out at the carvin...

LAST LIGHT INN – A small-time NPC with no real impact on the game’s  story is reportedly struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that  saving him from death is optional content that most players will  inevitably skip, or miss altogether.

“What the fuck? I’m not even a compulsory component of a larger, overarching questline?” asked Rolan, a Level 3 Tiefling in RPG Baldur’s Gate 3. “You can really cause me to die a miserable death just by advan...

The next themed week from The Hard Times

Hello patrons, thank you all for the support, in the past we have done theme weeks, where every story is part of that particular theme. Our question to you is what would you like to see and we will start getting to work. Let us know which one of these options you think is best.

PITTSBURGH — Trailblazing tattoo artist, entrepreneur, and fourth-grade student, Sammy “Slugman” Sluggins opened up a discreet semi-permanent Sharpie-based tattoo shop in a tunnel located on the playground at the Longbrook Intermediate School, confirmed multiple sources getting black ink all over the place.

“I dunno. I found a Sharpie on the ground and felt like drawing stuff. After my first two clients it really took off just by word of mouth,” Slugman revealed when asked abo...

The way our parents engage on Facebook with the same excitement and wonder as we did in the mid-2000s is adorable. Though it’s now largely a wasteland of Minions memes and boomer humor cartoons, the olds still feel compelled to comment their inner monologues on every post they see. I mean it’s really bogging down the algorithm. Here are some helpful tips to reign in your parents’ commenting sprees.

Informing Them that Not All News is Good News

Even if you�...

AUSTIN, Texas — Local musician Garrett Thompson’s attempt to explore diverse music genres resulted in five uniquely terrible solo projects which were met with embarrassment across the scene, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.

“I usually just stick to my usual alternative stuff, but I thought to myself ‘I have a really eclectic taste’ I could probably do this stuff too. I’m kind of a music freak, I even listen to everything. It’s weird, but I’m like a...

LEBANON, Tenn. — Cracker Barrel Old Country Store has announced a battle pass for their Peg Game that players can purchase for in-store rewards, according to a company press release.

“A lot of our patrons are of the older variety, and we think the launch of the battle pass for the Peg Game will help bring back some of the younger generation who used to come in with their parents," Bryan Jackson, a 4 Star Cracker Barrel spokesman, said in the announcement. "They can ...

ALHAMBRA, Calif. — Fans of the highly anticipated Assassin's Creed: Peace and Love, which takes place during the 1970s American sexual revolution, lined up outside of their local GameStop today reportedly unaware the value of their game will significantly drop as soon as they drive it off the lot.

“I’m hoping this sucker will sell out, so I can binge it for 600 hours, plus the 10 hours of day-one DLCs, and then flip it,” said the visibly unshowered Leo ...

LOS ANGELES — On the heels of the cancellation of the critically-acclaimed queer pirate comedy Our Flag Means Death, streaming giant Max apologized to saddened fans for not canceling the show sooner.

“We want to thank the cast and crew of ‘Our Flag Means Death’ for all their hard work and dedication to creating two fantastic seasons of hilarious, groundbreaking programming,” Warner Bros. Discovery spokesperson Kyle Willshire said. “And to all the fans of the show an...

DES MOINES, Iowa — Conservative voters immediately opted to burn books to warm up at the Iowa Caucus due to record low temperatures before considering any other more reasonable alternatives, confirmed sources who couldn’t feel their fingers.

“I always keep a few extra copies of Barack Obama’s ‘The Audacity of Hope’ in my trunk for when the weather drops below 60 degrees and I need their heating properties,” said lifelong Republican Andrew Youman while ordering the latest e...

EUGENE, Ore. — Leo Radler, a bartender at local pub The Swampland, is completely unaware that many of the regular patrons of his place of employment consider him a close, trusted friend and confidante despite him rarely making eye contact, sources indicate.

“I’m at The Swamp[Land] five or six nights a week,” said Ethan Benz, a part-time contractor. “And about that many days, too. At first, Leo was just some guy who poured my 7 and 7s, but over the years, we’ve really bonded....

Oh no. No, no, no. This is bad. You gotta help me!

Here’s the backstory. I told my idiot friend Carl that his overpriced Chase Bliss effects pedals are the equivalent of autotune but for the creatively challenged. That pissed him off and he replied in a very mocking (and borderline offensive) voice that “if these pedals are sooooo easy to use and always produce suuuuuch good results, then use them to make something popular.”

So I set up his Beyerdynamic M160 ribbon mic and c...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — A new app called Sentry is being labeled as the industry’s “Indie Shazam” and is capable of identifying a song and gatekeeping it from users, confirmed sources who claimed to know the application before it was cool.

“It’s easy to use, and makes me feel like a total asshole,” claimed tech developer Clint Bordhum. “Just open the app, press ‘find song,’ and boom: Sentry will immediately search its massive database for whiny, eye-rolling excuses t...

Six Songs We're Listening To This Week While Pretending We Still Feel Things

Another week into the new year, and it’s still the same old you when you look in the mirror. What happened? You used to, like, dream and have hopes and stuff. Look at what a sell-out you’ve become. Don’t give us that look. We’re just telling you what all of your closest friends and loved ones have been saying for years. Possibly decades for all we know. Don’t shoot the messenger is all we’re saying.

You might be thinking that it’s too late to change. That’s just the kind...

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Local woman Ashley Harris refused to answer her bank’s security question this week claiming the prompt “What was your favorite band in high school?” is too embarrassing to answer, confirmed customer service records.

“I never thought I’d have to admit such personal information to a stranger. I used to be really into Boys Like Girls in high school, but I shouldn’t have to relive that trauma to access my own money, ” said Harris. “This is humiliating...

I’ll be honest. Growing up, I never saw myself as an iconic singer-songwriter. Winning a ton of Grammy Awards, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and selling more than 120 million albums worldwide? Look, I don’t even know how to hold a tambourine.

But something changed this morning after I put on my new dress. Call the record companies and start booking time in the studio. You’re looking at the next Stevie Nicks right here. I just feel it in my heart. To be more a...

PORTLAND, Ore. — Current occupants of notorious punk house Shitshow Chateau revealed that their resident pitbull Hammer is the only inhabitant that has not bitten someone, animal control officers confirmed.

“Yeah I’m used to getting looks from the pearl clutchers on our block, but my collective owners make me look pretty damn good by comparison. Sometimes I get pissed about being adopted by crusties who resort to animal instincts when threatened, but they can’t help their nature...

AMC THEATERS – Matt Simons, 31, was reportedly seen executing Plan D of his original approach to a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine after his previous three ideas for a customized flavor were cut short due to the machine being out of just about everything.

“I promised myself I would never give up, no matter how hard things get,” Simons said as he scrolled through grayed out button after grayed out button of missing flavors. “Purple Vanilla Diet Fanta Zero is basically all that’s le...

HYRULE - Link finally agreed to sit down for a tell-all about his romances across Hyrule prior to the launch of his Audiobook titled “The Legend of Link: The True Story of the Hero of Time.” Below are some of the juiciest secrets from the book:

The book recalls his brief but intense fling with Malon of Lon Lon Ranch. After years of working the farm and blossoming into a young woman, she was getting tired of the doldrum of her day-to-day life. Then came our Hero, someone that she nev...

WASHINGTON — The 2024 edition of the classic educational short film series “Schoolhouse Rock!” will contain a song dedicated to teaching children the importance of active shooter drills and what to do during them, several traumatized sources report.

“It’s an honor and a pleasure to be able to write for ‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ series, as well as having the ability to show kids hiding for their lives from a deranged shooter can be cool and exciting,” Alice DeMilton, writer of ...

The year was 1992. I had just clocked out at Spencer’s Gifts and walked across the mall to catch the next showing of “Aladdin.” Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried? That’s a 1992 comedy Dream Team. The lights go down and I’m enjoying my trip to Agrabah when the couple next to me starts getting hot and heavy. I look over to catch a glimpse of the action and sure enough it’s the 7th best character on “Full House,” Dave Coulier! And if I wasn’t starstruck enough, he’s with A...

ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Audience members at pop-punk trio Little Rounders’ St. Cloud Room show this weekend all reported bouts of cute aggression, after drummer Scott Minkle tossed his stick into the crowd at the end of their set, only to have it returned by a dog in the audience.

“Normally people fight over the sticks, but this little guy was trying to give it back, and he was such a good boy with his tail wagging and his big old face,” noted Minkle, who was unable to play an encore...