thehardtimes

BOSTON – Local beer lover Ryan Kensington fleetingly experienced a sobering thought while in the midst of a bout of heavy drinking, but regrettably had the insight neutralized by the ten beers traveling through his system, sources confirm.

“I was standing in the backyard earlier tonight at my buddy Jake’s annual barbeque bonanza, happily clutching beer number ten and enjoying a great buzz when an epiphany shook my drunk ass,” Kensington said. “I suddenly realized how drastical...

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a solid 6 on a good day but looks aren’t everything! I can still pull, as evidenced by the fact that I have a super awesome (albeit online) girlfriend who likes me for me and not because of my Target employee discount. I wish everyone around me shared the same enthusiasm, but because nobody has met her they assume I’m making her up.

Well sorry to burst your bubble, but she is 100% real and there’s a perfectly good explanation for her absence...

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local punk, Joel Locke, reportedly mistook a waitress’s inherent kindness as an invitation to make her watch a 2008 YouTube video of Davey Havok performing “Straight Edge Revenge” with Ceremony at the famous Berkeley punk venue 924 Gilman, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“Lydia is the best! She kept my coffee filled, brought me extra jam for my toast, and even complimented me on my ‘All Hallow’s’ E.P. t-shirt. She said she liked the art,” said the a...

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The notoriously hardworking Chris Christie began preparing for his 2028 presidential election dropout announcement mere hours after revealing he had ended his 2024 campaign, confirmed sources who just wondered if they could get their donation money back.

“It’s never too early to start thinking about abandoning future endeavors and aspirations,” said the former governor of New Jersey. “It’s clear that there isn’t a path for me to win the nomination ...

LANSING, Mich. — Recently married couple Wendy and Patrick Clark are facing a fourth night without any sleep whatsoever after refusing medical assistance despite constant, often terrifying hallucinations, according to concerned friends and family.

“I really can’t imagine what everybody is so worried about. We made some important vows when we got married in September, and one of them was never to go to bed angry. We’d heard about that rule from so many kind people who wanted to g...

I was hoping for a quiet weekend. Watering plants near the window, I noticed my neighbor outside, clutching his chest.

It’s a heart attack and I can see it, plain as day, right outside my living room.

This is typical Chuck, my 90-year-old neighbor. And as he stumbles to the lawn with a stiff left arm, I watch him and wait for about a minute to see if anyone else notices.

Shit. I guess this one’s on me.

Problem is: Chuck is the most talkative neighbor on our block. ...

CHICAGO — An uneasy crowd braced for a long night at a local club after once popular ‘90s alt rock band Wheat Pigs opened their set with their biggest hit, annoyed attendees have reported.

“My husband and I were excited for exactly 15 seconds into the show when it dawned on me that ‘Pigs Get Fat, Hogs Get Slaughtered’ was their only hit. I don’t think anyone here could name another song after their first album, but these guys are clearly plowing ahead,” said attendee Regin...

LOS ANGELES – Cloud Imperium Games, makers of Star Citizen, have  announced a new reverse mortgage program in conjunction with their new  $48,000 Ship Bundle.

“We knew there would be a segment of our fans who would love to take  advantage of our new ship bundle, but might not have the capital  available to do so. Which is why we are proud to announce our new  reverse mortgage program,” said company spokesperson Charlie Cooper.

“The  beauty of ...

Gamers eagerly awaiting release of the forever-in-development space  sim ‘Star Citizen’ will be happy to hear they can now own every ship,  mod, and upgrade in the “upcoming” game by purchasing the “Legatus 2953”  package, available at the cost of $48,000 and your last shred of  dignity.

“You have to be a member of the Chairman’s Club first,” said Mason  Foster, a devoted Star Citizen fan in charge of banning anyone from the  subreddit who...

sneak peak of upcoming Patron experiments!

Hey Patrons! Working on the earliest rough drafts of Hard Times Patron-shout out things.  Will do the Hard Drive ones tomorrow. Thankful to you all. Please hit me up with any feedback and let me know if you want to see anything with these or if they interest you and I'll adjust according. 

Additional idea would be one that looks like "Scene Legends" one but says "Band Bio" and is about a band rather than an individual.

For Hard Drive I'm thinking we'll do one dating one,...

DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican hopefuls Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are expected to make slavery a big topic for their debate tonight ahead of the 2024 Iowa caucus with one candidate claiming slavery was beneficial while the other pretends it never happened, strategists confirmed.

“Folks keep talking to me about this ‘slavery’ nonsense. I have no idea what you people are talking about. Sure, I heard a thing or two about ‘slavery’ in high school history. But that’s the thin...

NEWARK, N.J. – Local officials are responding to reports of crowds sprinting towards their lovers through Newark Airport as Frou Frou’s “Let Go” plays over the intercom, wistful sources confirmed.

“I was at the Hudson News looking for a sandwich for under $18 and then things got weird. There was an announcement about a Jetblue flight moving gates then ‘Let Go’ started playing. It was as if the entire airport turned to see where it was coming from. As soon as the lyrics ‘...

For decades sibling rivalry has been the core of legendary British rock band Oasis. Due to their multiple extended hiatuses, I think it is time my brother and I rise to the occasion and take their place.

My brother and I have been at each other’s throats for as long as I can remember. He would break into my room, steal my clothes, and throw them in the river, no matter how much we fought he would never tell me why. But it led to me wearing a trash bag as pants to school at least three...

SACRAMENTO, Calif — Several Attendees of the Montgomery High School Class of ‘03 Reunion were left baffled when the night suddenly turned into a collection of realtors presenting properties they had for sale within the area, sources looking over their finances claim.

“I was grabbing a drink and catching up with my old fling Carla Flores and the next thing I know I’m signed up to attend two open houses and some first-time home buyer education thingy tomorrow,” said Dan Mathews,...

23andMe Confirms Dave the Diver 1/16th Indie Game

EL SEGUNDO — Surprise 2023 hit Dave the Diver’s 23andMe profile has been released to the public, confirming the game is in fact partially of indie game descent.

Our sources close to multi-billion dollar indie developer Mintrocket confirmed the authenticity of the profile.

“We’ve got that ‘indie feel’ both in the way Dave [sic] plays and in the way our developers wonder if they’ll have a job tomorrow. With these latest findings, it�...

STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagined there would be something so hazardous waiting for me,” said Walker as he rubbed his head. “When I came to, they told me I suffered both a concussion and severe lacerations. I guess I...

My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty freaky stuff lately. In the past, we’ve tried bondage, hair-pulling, and name-calling, but all of that starts to get a little run-of-the-mill after you’ve done it for long enough. That’s why we’re advancing to the level of sado-masochism in which she seems visibly annoyed with me all the time and also has no interest in sex. It’s kind of the ultimate BDSM fantasy, if you think about it.

For example, last night I got home from wo...

MINNEAPOLIS — Local groom and longtime guitarist Parker Anderson gazed longingly at the wedding band guitarist’s illustrious pedal board during the first dance with his new wife Allison Grant at the ceremony’s reception, confirmed sources who sympathized with the groom now that they had a good look at it.

“I used to play lead in a shoegaze-influenced post-punk dark psychedelic band called Fake Jan and I thought I had a pretty sweet setup with 15 effects, but this guy has 23! It�...

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s public settlement for deliberately slowing down certain iPhones in what  was seen as an attempt to swindle users has proven unsuccessful in convincing current customers to make the switch to the less popular Samsung Galaxy, confirmed sources who rolled their eyes at the mere mention of another brand.

“Tim Cook could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I would still support his products,” said longtime iPhone user Doug Clarv...

DURHAM, N.C. — Researchers at Duke University made the startling discovery that the male brain does not fully mature until death, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.

“We were astonished: the male cerebrum and frontal cortex remain in teenagehood well into the 80s and 90s age range. Don’t be fooled by an octogenarian man — you’re still speaking with a 17-year-old, mentally-speaking,” shared Dr. Amber Matosian ahead of her TED Talk. “But at ...

You know, it’s hard being an administrative assistant at the 7th most successful personal injury law firm in the larger Madison, Wisconsin metropolitan area. You work all day for no credit, get yelled at constantly by the senior partners, and are on call around the clock. It’s absolute fucking bullshit.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this job, but no one seems to care. The only thing they seem to care about is that I Googled “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” on my company-assigne...

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Cedar Point amusement park guests observed Cure frontman Robert Smith exiting the Millenium Force roller coaster with a head of hair that appeared to be immaculately groomed, sources who didn’t even recognize him afterward confirmed.

“It’s proper embarrassing isn’t it? Matted down hair with a side-part, it’s posh and awful, I feel sick just thinking about it,” Smith shamefully recounted. “Cedar Point has always been a white whale of sorts in all the plac...

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Multimedia tech CEO, Peter Avakian, held a mandatory all-hands meeting to ensure every employee was present for an iPhone slideshow from his most recent vacation to outer space, tired employees confirmed.

“Times are tough right now, and as CEO it’s my job to inspire. There’s no better way to do that than by being an aspirational person, showing them firsthand how awesome it is to be someone like me. Someone that gets blowjobs in zero gravity,” said Avakian ...

 The truth is, if you’ve escaped twenty-seven club membership, your chances of aging out of the scene increase exponentially with every year. And it’s a true sadness, and terrible look to not realize that it’s happening to you. But we’ve got your back. Here are 8 signs that it might be time to break up the band, pack things up, and start a podcast or some shit.

Trading in Your Marshall Stack for a Smaller Tube Combo That Breaks up Nicely at Lower Volumes 2024-01-07 15:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post

HOLLYWOOD — The Golden Globes are reportedly set to become more  watchable for gamers this year as producers plan to jam the ceremony  full of more ads than ever before.

“I saw my son watching this ceremony called ‘The Game Awards’ on his  laptop. I sat with him as he just absorbed and cheered on advertisement  after advertisement. The next day I saw this ‘ceremony’ had 118 million  viewers so I decided right there that we need to show more ads to &n...

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Marcus Ulrich, the lead singer of local thrash metal band Christknuckle, was reportedly spotted at Walgreens asking employees which black hair dye brand worked best on small patches of facial hair, security cam footage confirmed.

“Nobody bats an eye any time Scott Ian dyes his beard black, nobody tells Nikki Sixx that his goatee looks like Rudy Giuliani’s sweaty sideburns threw up on it. What is so strange about tweaking your look when a crowd begs for you to be ...

Eight Songs We're Listening to This Week While The Merciless Beat of Time Marches On

Another year has begun, just like the year before it, and sadly, the year before that one. While many take the completion of another set of calendar pages as an opportunity to reinvent themselves, you have decided to maintain your rapidly stagnating personal status quo. We get it, change is scary and resolutions are hard to keep. There’s an easy fix though! For centuries people have used their musical tastes as status symbols. Countless listeners have long used their changing preferences as...

What "Facebook Jail" Looks Like

Hey everyone, thank you again for supporting The Hard Times/Hard Drive. The response has been overwhelming and we are so grateful. Anyway, you might have heard publishers or influencers mention the term "Facebook Jail" before. It's Facebook effectively shadow-banning you for content they disagree with for one reason or another. If you look at that chart above you will see some pretty good numbers in early 2020. Covid was just becoming a thing, there were lots of police protests and people see...

WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today broke ground on a new memorial to not commemorate the insurrection riots that took place in and around the Capitol Building on January 6th, 2021, multiple self-described American patriots confirmed.

“Today, we unveil a memorial in honor of an event that we can’t really recall even happening,” said Senator Rand Paul from the alleyway behind a Waffle House. “The events of that day are undoubtedly vague in all of our collective memories as ...

CHICAGO — Shortly after The Smashing Pumpkins began holding open auditions for a new guitarist they shocked the world by announcing 38-year-old Jared Buchford, the guy from your floor in college who only knew how to play the intro for “Today,” as their newest band member.

“His audition tape really stood out because he didn’t bother with professional lighting or sound, he recorded in a dark basement straight into an old iPhone,” said Pumpkins’ commander-in-chief Billy Corga...