Agrippa

All Right! Fine! I’ll Take You! – Zaimokuza Gaiden – Chapter 2

All Right! Fine! I’ll Take You! – Zaimokuza Gaiden – Chapter 2

“So…” Hachiman looks at me while barely lifting his eyes from his lunchbox. “What’s this all about?”

“What? Can’t I just want to spend time with my sworn brother? Must there be some kind of nefarious scheme for me to—”

“Hanging up.”

“We are not even on the phone!”

“As if such paltry concerns would impede—damn it, Zaimokuza!” Hah! He can...

Of Sisters and Shadows – Chapter 1

Disclaimer: So that this story fits inside of Patreon’s Community Guidelines, it’s been revised so that it occurs in an AU where all the characters are legal adults. This includes the characters not involved in sexual events. Everybody is an adult, without a single exception. Sorry about the inconvenience.

To no one’s surprise, Leet has been gruesomely killed by one of his own inventions.

To our enduring displeasure with the little gremli...

All right! Fine! I will take you! - Chapter 11

It is not a gross exaggeration to say that schedules are the foundation of society. If everyone was free to come and go as they pleased, not staying at a dreary office until their sleep-deprived minds started coming up with waking terrors and their children got personally acquainted with scurvy due to all the preheated dinners, for instance, those at the top would lose one of their advantages when oppressing those below and making sure they stay oppressed. How different would a soc...

Periodical Cicadas – Chapter 1

Disclaimer: So that this story fits inside of Patreon’s Community Guidelines, it’s been revised so that it occurs in an AU where all the characters are legal adults. This includes the characters not involved in sexual events. Everybody is an adult, without a single exception. Sorry about the inconvenience.

The inside of the car smelled new. Which wasn’t that surprising, seeing as it was new, but wasn’t still what it should smell like...

Wake-up Call – Chapter 11

‘White and Nerdy’ is a Weird Al Yankovic song that parodies the song ‘Ridin’,’ which, as far as I am concerned, is clearly superior to the original.

No, this isn’t relevant at all; I am just so bored that I am coming up with random trivia. Just because.

Lisa Wilbourn lonely due to—

Power, I am not so desperately clingy that I cannot stand being apart from my girlfriend while she has dinner with her quasi-estranged father. It’s just that th...

All Right! Fine! I’ll Take You! – Zaimokuza Gaiden – Chapter 1 [Complete]

Disclaimer: So that this story fits inside of Patreon’s Community Guidelines, it’s been revised so that it occurs in an AU where all the characters are legal adults. This includes the characters not involved in sexual events. Everybody is an adult, without a single exception. Sorry about the inconvenience.

The ominous ringing of the phone sounds against my ear like the tolling of the bells of a church with a dark secret that I have yet to come up...

All right! Fine! I will take you! - Chapter 10

Expectations are the tyranny of the past ensuring the future will always become a disappointment. Since we are mere children, we learn that the expectations of our parents can only lead to realizing one’s own inadequacy when the scorecard finally arrives to show the cruelty of the academic system, and, when we enter the adult world, the expectations of our bosses more often than not just result in unpaid overtime and earning an ulcer before an actual pay rise. The expectations of...

Wake-up Call – Chapter 10 – Perspectives From The Dominos

Daniel Hebert

‘I am fine, dad. Problem solved.’

I read the phone message from Taylor for the third time, my shoulders finally sagging in relief when I allow myself to believe the words I’m reading—and the thinly disguised message they contain. I will never again question the utility of these bloody machines, not when this thing just saved me from a heart attack.

“Danny? Since when do you have a phone?” Kurt asks me fr...

All right! Fine! I will take you! - Chapter 9.5 – Iroha, Kunoichi of Love

The duty of a kunoichi is to watch over her Lord from the shadows, always ready to intervene when needed. This is the only reason for me to be hiding on the rafters of the Hikigaya household as my Lord undergoes the thorough, harsh negotiations of the peace treaty with the wayward Hiratsuka clan.

“Ah! Hikigaya-dono, I can’t—it’s too muuuuch!”

Yes. The only reason indeed.

What? Are you insinuating I am observing my Lord from afar like a lovestruck child f...

Omake this weekend

Just a heads-up, today's chapter is a bit lacking in content because I wanted to let Hachiman breathe a bit (that is, get pointlessly angsty), to make up for it, there's a paired canon omake that I will publish before Sunday (if my sleep schedule stops kicking my ass).

All right! Fine! I will take you! - Chapter 9

Some may think that the phrase “Hell is other people” reflects a loner’s quintessential perspective. That is naïve.

If it was true, a loner would almost perpetually live in a state where he easily avoided Hell just by following his own nature, yet, as we all (whose chuuni phase have led us to study foreign religions) know, the nature of man is sin, and thus we are irrevocably led to Hell (and some priests may even rejoice at it, the wine-sipping, clearly homoerotic, weirdoes). Lo...

Wake-up Call – Chapter 9

Hiding in an alley while we wait for Armsmaster to finally make his appearance isn’t as nerve-wracking as it could be. The immediate danger has already passed, and Taylor and I are more than capable of monitoring our surroundings for any disagreeable surprises, so it’s just a matter of waiting.

And waiting.

Waaaaaiting.

“Hey, Tay, do you—”

“Lisa, I am as keyed up as you are, so this better not be a repeat of this morning.”

“I thought yo...

All right! Fine! I will take you!—Komachi’s acceptance—Omake

All right! Fine! I will take you!—Komachi’s acceptance—Omake

Warning: Spoilers for chapter seven.

I wake up numb, which isn’t that unusual. Not being able to lift my arms? That catches my attention.

“Finally awake, brother?” The voice is soft, almost cheerful, and I would recognize it anywhere, no matter how much my thoughts seem to be pushing through molasses.

“Sis?” My mouth feels dry, a...

Poll Results For September

All right, the results are in, and, not surprising anyone at all, Worm won the first poll. The second one, with a grand total of one vote, goes to Batman, so... Well, what comes next is me trying not to be a jerk and possibly failing.

I think about half of my current patreons are here because of my Oregairu fic, one of them having financed (extremely generously) a whole spin-off from the original fic starring Zaimokuza (that I am still in the middle of writing due to my stupidly picking...

All right! Fine! I will take you! - Chapter 8 - Haruno’s Dull Musings

As I dropped the phone I had just used to masturbate to the image of Hachiman tenderizing Shizuka’s vagina beside my head on the sofa I was lying on, a single thought ran through my head:

Yukino is going to kill me.

Right now, I was staying at the little brat’s flat while she found herself back home. Or, more likely, while she vacillated over what she should do and what did others expect her to do and if there was even a difference between the two notions.

My ad...

Wake-up Call – Chapter 8

You wanna know something funny about humans, Power?

…

I will take the lack of biting, possibly self-inflicted snark as a yes. Well, you see, there’s that thing where we kinda evolved our emotional responses in a context where it didn’t make much sense to keep them for long. A tiger attacks you? Holy shit! Flood the system with adrenalin and run all systems on the highest setting, because holding back is not an option! Your midterms are next week? Holy shit, I just remembered...

All right! Fine! I will take you! – Chapter 7

Self-improvement.

Self-improvement is a personal attack, a way to keep the struggling masses not only outside the circle of those who have “won” at life, of those who have a group of friends, a girlfriend, and jobs that are something more than endlessly pouring in work, sweat, and tears so that an uncaring boss can take the credit, but to make them feel guilty about it and have them throw time and money away needlessly. Are you bad at making friends? Maybe you should work on your se...

Wake-up Call – Chapter 7

Contrary to popular belief, hacking doesn’t involve frantically hammering away at a keyboard as symbols too fast to process keep scrolling up the screen. Most of the time, exploiting a known vulnerability just involves knowing which forums to frequent or what underpaid and overworked intern won’t be feeling up to double-checking things when you call to report you have forgotten your password.

And thank God for that, because Power is far better at that than at giving me inhuman key-p...

All right! Fine! I will take you! – Chapter 6

The training arc is a comforting lie society tells us to make us believe we too can amount to something. If we just had the willpower to punch rocks until they shattered, our bones would magically strengthen and our attacks would surpass the Heavens without any kind of long-lasting injury crippling us for life and making us unsuited for the workforce. It is a comforting lie that nonetheless serves to keep the dredges of society down, because, after all, if they haven’t managed to surpass th...

First priority for September

All right! Fine! I will take you! – Chapter 5

In a world full of deceit, disappointment, and office jobs, people need an outlet for their purer desires and feelings. They need something that, for a little while, allows them to think “the world is fair and just, and good deeds will eventually be rewarded.” That is, of course, a lie that allows exploiters to keep exploiting those who buy into it, but even if it is a lie, it is a comforting one. It is a lie that allows people to push forward, to believe in the chance of a better world, ...

All right! Fine! I will take you! – Chapter 4

The nurse’s office is a deceitful oasis. It is often seen as a place for the main character to arrive, maybe after a minor scrape or sprain, and find a love interest who is there for pretty much any other weak excuse that most people would just walk off. The ever negligent (mature, beautiful, stacked) nurse will irresponsibly leave them alone or never have been there in the first place, and the girl will care for the male lead (bonus points if she needs to handle his leg), thus convincingly...

All right! Fine! I’ll take you! - Chapter 3

It is said that men are geared towards tunnel vision due to our hunting instincts. Our eyes face forward, not to the sides, so it is perfectly natural (in the most literal sense of the word) that a dense harem protagonist will miss the clues being dropped left and right by the more subtle girls of the cast while his gaze remains nailed to the white piece of fabric bared by the clumsy dojikko defenselessly exposed in front of him. It is just human (biological) nature.

In that vein, it ne...

All right! Fine! I’ll take you! - Chapter 2

It is an obvious yet easily overlooked fact that words that describe essentially the same concept apply almost exclusively to a select class of people and never the other. If a homeless man starts walking around the neighborhood talking about how the voices of the spirits are responsible for his unemployment, he is a “nutcase,” but if the very same man was an actual millionaire speaking about how his corporally-challenged friends gave him tips to get rich on the stock market, people would...

All right! Fine! I’ll take you! - Chapter 1

Disclaimer: So that this story fits inside of Patreon’s Community Guidelines, it’s been revised so that it occurs in an AU where all the characters are legal adults. This includes the characters not involved in sexual events. Everybody is an adult, without a single exception. Sorry about the inconvenience.

Author’s note: Obviously inspired by, and starting right in the middle of, this. This. Oh my God, th...