endlessjess

Deep Ones

I don't remember when or for how much i got this but it's worth showing off a little for the graphics alone. I probably paid less than a dollar for it and I'm pretty sure no one's ever heard of it, but it's got a really cool little visual style and reeks of blessed creativity.

Is it frustrating as ass? Why, yes. Yes of course it is. Are the controls totally booty? Aye. So it's not a perfect game, but damn it, i still like it. Just look at the damn thing. It's neat. Surely any game with...

Rayman Legends

I got a legend for ya, the legend of the time i played Rayman Legends. It's not a legend, it's real and right in front of you. Why the hell is this game called Rayman Legends anyway? What legends are there about Rayman? Does anyone care about him that much? I don't even see him in this game, i'm playing as some random viking girl. What is the lore here and do i care? The answer is no.

What is this world even about? I mean this world. I don't give a crap about Ray...

RE Revelations part 2

Tragic. This game made one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen just to immediately kill her, and I'm pretty sure she turns into a monster later on. If you've ever wondered why God creates life just to torment us, take a look at how we treat our own creations. Capcom is one of the cruelest Gods there is.

Look at that poor buxom lady. I bet she had a whole story and character arc off screen, now she's all sad and eviscerated. She even died with her tits out just soothe my intense grief, ...

DOOM Eternal

Is there really a point to writing anything here? Do i gotta explain this? It's DOOM. You are watching a video of me playing DOOM Eternal and It's a wild and crazy game full of gore and guts and demons and DOOMGUY, but you knew that. I just felt like playing some DOOM Eternal. It's cool. Duh.

AEW Dynasty

The Wrestlemania monster was such a dystopian terror this year that i almost forgot about this furtive AEW show a week later. I barely had the spiritual energy left to comprehend what i was seeing but i enjoyed most of it. Just the fact alone that this event didn't involve Logan Paul in any way and didn't feature his stupid logo on the mat made it seem almost humble and quaint.

Unfortunately it did involve Jungle Boy a bit at the end there, the only person on my TV worse than Logan Pau...

The Funniest Movie in the world.

This is The Jerk and if you haven't seen it you don't know shit about comedy or life. This coming of age tale will make you a better person. You will be healed by laughter and filled with love. It is a holy thing that has come to bless you. I find it deeply relatable as a true story of my actual life, in a broadly allegorical sense. I could get real philosophical about it, but you're not ready for that. No one is. All you need to know right now is it's the funniest movie in the world, so if a...

Wrestlemania XL: Night 2

GOD RELEASE ME FROM THIS PLACE. TAKE ME AWAY FROM THE ADS, THE CELEBRITIES AND THE FOOLS. MY LORD, I BEG OF THEE... SEND DOWN YOUR AVENGING ANGELS TO CLEANSE THE DEGENERACY OF THIS FAILED SOCIETY WITH THE SWIFT AND TERRIBLE WRATH OF YOUR FIERY SWORD. DESTROY THE CANCER IN THIS WORLD AND SET US FREE. SMITE THE BLOODLINES OF POWERFUL MEN WHO THINK THEMSELVES GODS.

SLAUGHTER THE IDOLATERS WHO WORSHIP THEM, FOR THEY HAVE STRAYED FROM YOUR LOVE AND ALLOWED ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN. WIPE THE RU...

Wrestlemania XL: Night 1

Gather round peasants and peons, the benevolent ruling class is here to brighten your day. So pay the fee to watch the rich kids play. What a wonderful world this is, what a fabulous and enlightened culture. Where shithead influencers who make worthless content for stupid children are the ones we lift up and celebrate. Where we worship the battling phonies from wealthy, connected families who were born with opportunities you will never have.

Feelin thirsty? Here, refresh yourself with s...

Panel-Cast: Free Comic Book Day 2024

This year, I'm determined to get this out while there might still be some free comic book day stuff in the stores. This was an extra pain in the butt because my office is currently being used to shelter a ridiculously friendly and adorable bastard kitten that I rescued from the freeway. So she guests on this episode, interrupting me every 5 seconds with her desperate cries for affection.

She has to stay in this room because Princess Poopybutt is aggressively territorial and an absolute ...

Tubi Tales... From The Hood!

On tonight's Groovy Tubi Doobie Smokin Buff Movie Boof-off, a double feature of scary thrills... and skunky swill. First, i revisit the beloved 90s horror anthology masterpiece, Tales From The Hood, and it's just as DOPE as i remember it being. But then... a looming horror takes shape on the horizon. Run for cover, bunker yourself from.... the terrible modern sequel. This is the true survival horror.

Tales From The Hood

2024-05-01 04:59:37 +0000 UTC View Post

Cel Damage

Here's a cool game from a thousand years ago that i never played because the magazines lied and said it was bad. What the hell is bad about this game? It's a car combat clusterfuck with wacky cartoon graphics and a monochrome duck named Fowl Mouth. That's a recipe for good game in my book.

I'm not even sure what else to say about it. What you see is what you get. I like the pencil weapon. I like the boxing glove weapon. It's got environmental hazards in the form of aligators and a nice...

Panel-Cast: Wolverine Stuff!

I'm the best there is at what i do, and what i do is look mean and say cool stuff. Here's me saying some real cool stuff about some real cool comics about a real cool guy that i know, goes by the name Logan, but most know him as the Wolverine. The sharpest, ugliest, meanest, son-of-a-bitchin-est beer drinkin, booty pimpin, redhead simpin, cigar chomping, slicin and dicin, sknikity snaktin, fast acting murder-animal monster-man with the noble heart of a masterless ronin, righting wrongs and ri...

Black Adam - Buff Movie Barf

I smell what The Rock is cooking. It smells of shit. I could have merely included this review in a Tubi Tales text post but it was so offensively smelly i wanted you to hear the sincerity in my voice, so it had to be a video.

This movie shouldn't matter in any way to anyone. I don't know why anyone would even be tempted to watch it, other than it's there, but that's exactly what happened to me and now i have to save you from my gruesome fate.

I don't even know how this fecal film...

Scooby Doo Zombie Island Vs. The Horrible Sequel

I graciously offered someone this double doobie scooby movie reviewbie for the price of one Buff Movie Review some time ago, but it never went through and i never got paid. Maybe the person died or something. But i went ahead and did the damn thing anyway because that's the kind of guy i am and you all better fucking remember it.

My brief browsing on youtube has shown me that everyone's already talked about the horrible sequel they made to this classic Scooby movie, but everyone ain't m...

Bebop: The Perfect Anime

Hold on to your butts cause this is the real shit. This ain't no stupid silly My Japanese Animes video, or some torturous agonizing YOUR Japanese anime ordeal, but a real life video essay, for the only guy who paid for the video essay tier before i got rid of it because that's too many goddamn reward tiers.

If you're expecting "video essay" to mean a 4 hour long dissection of every single episode, too bad cause I'm better than that. I said everything that could possibly be said about t...

Panel-Cast Request: Agent Venom

The Venom symbiote is a good boy. He just wants somebody to be his friend. He can't help it that he's an outer space rage monster and basically a drug that slowly corrupts and destroys the lives of his every host. He's just a lonely lil guy.

In this story he gloms onto Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's high school bully who got his legs blown off in some gay war. Flash has mental problems, and daddy problems, and drinky problems, and cripple problems, and all that is before he becomes Venom....

Echo - Pod 9 : Cool Independent Artists

This episode is Indie as fuck. Oh wait, they all are, cause I'm indie as fuck. In fact I'm the only one. Everyone else is a pretender. I've done everything myself for 15 years and I have nothing to show for it, so asking me about independent artists is like asking Van Gogh if he knows any decent painters.

Nevertheless i will bless you with some secret knowledge of cool acts i know of because I'm just such a wonderful, giving person. I would love to also bless you with a hilarious accomp...

Groovy Tunes: Campin With Some Bands

I have a powerful compulsion to always be discovering new music, and Bandcamp has been coming in very handy for that lately. When people say there's no good music being made anymore, what they're really saying is "I'm okay with hearing Back In Black and Tom Sawyer on the radio 50 billion more times until i die, and i don't need to hear anything else."

If that's how you feel, just be honest abou...

Ghoul Patrol

I was already a man, fully grown by the time i found out Zombies Ate My Neighbors had a sequel. Most of you probably didn't know either. Has anyone ever played this game? I've never even heard anyone talk about it. What year was it made? What console was it on? Why didn't they just call it Zombies Ate My Neighbors 2, so that people might actually know it existed?

These mysteries of history may never be solved, but at least they had the good sense to include it on this re-release. Now i ...

Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Time to kick it oldschool with a classic. I'm sure most of you have heard of this game but if you haven't, you've definitely heard it's music in about 5,000 of my videos over the years. It's one of those 16 bit era gems that left an impression on every 90s kid who crapped in their diaper trying to fight that even bigger diaper crapping baby boss who is not to be confused with Boss Baby.

This is a great 2 player game, but since i'm only a 1 player tonight you better believe im picking th...

Tubi Tales: Mewes-a-thon

Snootchie bootchies, little nootchies. Jason Mewes has been a comedy hero of mine ever since i was 8, when an older cousin showed me Mallrats for the first time. I modeled my whole fuckin life after Jay, an absurd character that could never have been played by anyone else because he's really just a cartoonish exaggeration of a very real, very funny dude.

Despite being a camera-shy non-actor at...

Tubi Tales: Screaming For Vengeance

Today's Tubi Movie theme is revenge. Mostly Korean revenge, but also some Batman, avenging his parents or something. I'd like to avenge my own parents against systemic poverty by overthrowing the government and blowing up every bank, but I've inherited their poverty and all that sounds expensive. All i can afford to do is watch Tubi and write humorously cool reviews about it. C'est la vie.

Mafia, ya mooks.

This is the kind of game where the story can only get in the way, because all i wanna do is drive around in my 1920s car. looking at pretty dames on the street and honking my horn that goes AAAOOOGA. But i can't just do that because it has to start with a car chase that i'm in no mental state to comprehend where every time i catch a bullet the entire game turns grey with bloody diarrhea smeared all over the screen. What a waste.

I ain't got time for story and i pay no mind to missions, ...

The Savior's Gang

Jesus, he knows me, and he knows I'm right. But i don't know what the Hell this game is. No one does. Only two people have ever heard of this game, me, and now you. It must have been divine intervention that installed this biblical oddity onto my playstation, because i damn sure don't remember buying it. Truly i say to you, The Lord works in mysterious ways. Mysterious, stupid ways.

This freaky deaky faith-fuck can not be described fully, it has to be seen. Sure i can tell you that the...

Another Damn Stupid Sonic Racing Game

God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for playing a Sonic game. Not even a real Sonic game either. It's just another of those asinine Sonic Racing games where he drives a car despite being, you know, Sonic. It's a terrible thing that I've done, and I promise I'll probably stop doing it. That's not a promise, just a helpful piece of advice for myself that i hope i listen to.

I could have sworn i played one of these long ago, in another life. But that one was cool cause it had more than just Sonic ch...

I finally found Dudu!

Years ago i abandoned many hours of recorded Witcher 3 commentary because it was too insipid to even listen back to, but now I've found it again and felt like salvaging at least some of it, until I once more lose interest and abandon it for another half decade.

This gameplay was recorded... i don't even know when. But the commentary was recorded in post back in january of 2020. I know because in one part which i cut, i was babbling incoherently about that year's royal rumble. I normally...

Ass Creed Bore-igins

I'm a simple man with a simple dream. A dream of owning a time machine. Ubisoft knows this and has been weaponizing my dream against me since the X-Box 360 days. They know that all i really want to do is escape the modern world and live in a time when people were still human. So they keep cranking out these games with promises of a living breathing ancient setting, only to take my money and fart in my face with the same smelly Assassin's Creed gameplay. You can't spell Assassin's Creed withou...

Panel-Cast: Marvel Swimsuit Babes

In this episode i take a look at a very sexy and cool Marvel Swimsuit magazine, which features hot pictures of She-Hulk and others to get big horny for. I couldn't find pics online of the actual pages though so you'll just have to imagine them from my descriptions.

Then i talk about this year's grown up Titans launch, by which i mean last year's because these episodes are backed up like a hard turd. Every so often DC remembers that people love the Teen Titans cartoon and decides to re-...

Echo-Pod 8: Restaurant Rumble

The porpoise-people of the pod-squad continue to project pod topics into my pituitary as per the power of paying me patronage. They cry out for answers about all that's important in life. Today it's Weird Al and big food, and I just so happen to be an expert on both. Also wrestling. Always wrestling. I am wrestling.

First Topic sent in for this one is a humble plea for my undiluted thoughts and feelings on the new bio-pic parody Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, Al's first feature flick sin...

Tubi Tales: Highs and Lows Edition

Here are some new short reviews of cool stuff i saw on Tubi, the free and therefore best streaming service. I ain't sponsored by em but i should be. At the very least everyone who works at that company should patron me. 

This collection of films is all about the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The highs of blasting off out a halfpipe with a sick 720 Madonna ...