endlessjess

Resident Evil 3 sucks like a butt.

This was supposed to be a public post, one of my classic, tightly scripted, well put-together editorial stink-pieces, the first in quite a while. I don't do these as often nowadays, for a few reasons. Reasons like...

- i'm busy, 

- it's a huge pain in the ass, 

- i live in a tent by the freeway, and most of all...

- it isn't even remotely worth it when i know i'm only putting in all this work...

Buried Treasure: Phantom Brave.

I first picked up Phantom Brave for the PS2 at a random hole in the wall game store, with no prior knowledge of it beyond the cutesy box art. Its a Nippon Ichi Tactical RPG like Disgaea, except Disgaea is more like DisGAYa because it's totally lame and Phantom Brave is a million times cooler, even though i've never heard anyone else talk about it. I know it was also released on the wii at one point, and obviously it's on steam. Buy it cause it rules. 

I don't really hate Disgaea it...

Nobody Is Ready For Farming Simulator

This is a Farming Simulator 2019, which for some ungodly reason was released as the free psn club game for May. That thumbnail alone should give you an idea of what we're dealing with here, but trust me, nothing can truly prepare you for the Pandora's Box that is this unholy simulation. 

What would you imagine a game called Farming Simulator to be like? An optimist would say something akin to Harvest Moon, or even a sort of sort of top down God-game in the vein of sim city. Or if y...

Broken Man Rants At FF7 Remake, Goes Crazy.

Consider this my review for now, this rambling stream-of-consciousness/ diary of a crazy man is exactly the review FF7 Remake deserves, not so much a formatted exploration of pro's and cons as it is an exorcise in oh my god fucking whatever god who fucking cares. 

Ok I'm gonna level with you, i don't know what the hell to write here and i don't feel like pulling some hilariously clever set of paragraphs out of my ass for this one. This video's a masterpiece, i ain't gotta say shit....

Return of The Beer Quest: Quarantine Edition

Great. Terrific. Peachy. I spend all month filming wacky Corona Virus quarantine videos, and all it took was one day for everyone to forget about the stupid fake virus in favor of the shiny new fake race war. 

And don't get your panties in a twist over me calling those things "fake". Obviously when i say fake i mean pre-determined, like wrestling, which if you haven't noticed is where the news gets most of its ideas, apparently right down to the unceremonious dropping of storylines...

Father Mcfreezy, a real character.

This may come as a shock to you all, but i have a deep passion for creating really stupid characters. They're like my children, you see. And like every parent, i have my favorites, and my not-so favorites. The honor role students who make me proud, and the embarrassments who i must disown in a rage before they bring any further dishonor upon the family name, like the man i learned all of my parenting techniques from, Jackie Chan's dad in Legend of Drunken Master. 

2020-05-01 03:58:16 +0000 UTC View Post

The Last Bird-Ferret

Here's a game that was hyped to the moon for like 10 years and then came and went like a wet fart. Who can say why. Maybe the critical reception wasn't good enough, or maybe it simply took too long and nobody cared anymore. Personally I blame the fact that it came out in 2016, which is right around when all the world became a timeless blur of pain. All cause they shot that fucking gorilla (he deserved it by the way).

I have no memory of the years beyond that, or any games t...

Dorksid3rs

The Dorksiders series has existed on the periphery of relevance for years. There always seems to be a new one of these being talked about, but never by anyone you care to listen to. Presumably it has fans, but i've never met these people in person, nor do I wish to. 

Here's me finally dipping my toe into this awful series with Dorksiders 3: A Stupid Game For Dumb Babies and Retarded Weebs. This was a free download, and it was still too expensive, because it cost an hour of my time....

Social Distance Stranding

Why yes, I do hate myself for making that joke. Thanks for noticing. I was bound to do this bit eventually, and i'm the only one who can do it right, so let's just get it over with. 

Hideo Kojima is a man who i consider my brother in the struggle, as we both suffer from the same debilitating condition, being right about everything all the time, and heeded by no one, except in useless hindsight. 

Remember back in 2001 when Metal Gear Solid 2 had that wacky spiel about how...

TPC/PCP Dating Sim - Mage Route

Oh hey, you know that horrible e-celeb podcast that i'm sort of a part of some of the time maybe? The one that i never actually joined but somehow congealed around me like an unshakable fungus and sent my entire life spiraling into a twisted, toxic Twilight Zone that i can't seem to ever escape from? 

The one that i technically and unwittingly founded, and only exists in the first place because of me, and as such my name is intrinsically tied to it no matter what i do for the rest ...

Wrestlemania Apocalypse: Boneyard Review

Gimme a hell yeah! It's that time again. No, not the end of the world, i mean yes also that, but the important thing is it's Wrestlemania Time again. The show must go on. Nothing stops Vince and nothing stops me. 

When civilization is ash and society collapsed, when the world of man is a smoking ruin and the empty cities teem with new wildlife, when the human race teeters on the brink of extinction and survivors are forced underground to escape Matrix sentinels, X-men sentinels, an...

DemonSoulz / impromptu panel-cast

It's finally happened. After all these years you finally get to see me play Demons Souls a little bit. The game that literally launched my career, and propelled a young drowning in footwear to the 500 subscribers and TGWTG forum clout that remains the only level of fame i've ever been happy or comfortable with. It was all downhill from there. 

I know it looks like i'm not in this one at first, but don't worry, i'm just lobbing quips from out of frame. I take my proper place in the ...

Super Secret Banned Scott Pilgrim Game

Okay so get this, remember when Scott Pilgrim was a thing? Remember those glory days when us millennials were just coming into our 20s, and funny Nintendo jokes like "Sex Bob-omb" were still charming and cool, and there was still some color and hope in the world because the president was black and twitter didn't exist yet? 

If you're a sad culture-less zoomer who doesn't remember a time when anything was ever pure, watch the Scott Pilgrim movie sometime to see what the last dying g...

Big Coof (Ft. Digibro)

Hey, remember when i used to make music? Well I still do, but i used to too. That's a reference, not a theft. Here's a disgusting, grimy, filthy, vile, ugly, hideous, stupid, stinky, slimy, sludgy, grungy, scummy, fugly, pug-fugly, fug-nasty, ass-crapping corona-virus rap song made specifically for the occasion. 

At some point during Radcon 4 i got an email from bandcamp telling me that just for one day, any sales made on bandcamp would go 100 percent to the artist, without bandcam...

Yoshi's Island with the boyz

This is one of my favorite games ever, watch me suck at it!

and i mean literally watch me, because there's a camera feed in this one awkwardly taking up half the screen. So you can see me.... sitting! Truly, we are living in the year 2525.

God, I had the most terrible nightmare. I dreamt that i made a sub-par write up for my Patreon post last night. Good thing that would never actually happen! What do i look like, every other person on Patreon ever? I'd like to think i hold myself...

FF7 Demo Blue Glow

Oh shit this is almost out and i forgot to post this. Blah Blah ff7 im old and everything new sucks. The Remake is going to be terrible. Yada Yada I told you so whatever. 

Here's me playing the demo to see what they screwed up so far. The answer is exactly what i thought they would. I'm right as usual and i'm gonna be even more right when the full game (if you can even call it that) comes out but that's not the point and i don't care. Video games are meant to be enjoyed and assumin...

2 Tokes and a Bloke (Radcon 4 Stuff)

Go to Radcon 4 they said, Hang out with the Pro-Crastinators they said. Those guys are your friends. It'll be fun. You'll get some work done. You'll go to the fan meetup. You might even get paid a little. What's the worst that could happen?

Smash cut to me stranded at a bumfuck Maryland truck stop with no oil in my car, a stolen debit card, and 11 dollars to my name, in the middle of an apocalyptic deathstorm of Swine Flu 2: Hamboi edition. But that's a story for anoth...

Crap I Don't Know Resident Evil 7 I guess

Baby i got so much content, you don't even know. I got content for days. You think i just sit around scratching myself in odd places? Hell no. I'm grinding 24/7 365. 

I been playing games, i been recording games, i been recording myself saying stupid shit on top of those games. I've been editing those recordings to take out the crappy parts, AND the boring parts, leaving only the purest and finest product. I been uploading the videos. I been forgetting to actually post them until t...

Bakin Steaks and Makin Mistakes

I've done it, I've discovered the secret to ultimate content creation. I call it the "Only Do One Take No Matter What" method. Here's how it works, instead of taking forever to get one thing done because i want it done right, i get it done immediately by only recording one take no matter what. So, i record myself playing the game, then i play the footage and start talking over it, and no matter what stupid shit i say, or what errands require my attention, or what horribl...

I'm a Marine Biologist.

You heard me. That's my new profession, that's my new calling, that's my passion and my life's work. I'm an underwater science man makin batteries out of fish, and no one can stop me. No one can tell me what to do because i got this whole damn spooky scary alien planet to myself. Everyone else is dead except for me and the beautiful deadly fishies. It's the nightmare i've always wanted. 

This was a livestream that i've salvaged and scanned thoroughly to make sure it's not terrible....

King Rat Podcast

The Mystery of Shit House has plagued Cody La Rue for 7 joyless years. Here's what we know. On Halloween night, 2013, a party was held at young master Cody's abode. A great number of people attended. Friends, friends of friends, and perhaps even some strangers. 

The madness and debauchery that ensued over the night was such that many who attended were left scarred and disoriented. Recollections are hazy all around but what is known, is that a crime took place. A crime most foul.&nb...

Remuddered - A Scary.

This is a game i hadn't previously heard of and don't even remember buying. It just showed up installed on my ps4 one day. Spooky. It's actually pretty cool. An old school Clocktower style run around and hide from the ugly dude kind of game. 

Of course the game is obscenely frustrating and tedious and suffers from many, many questionable mechanics. It's kind of the worst game ever. But at the same time it's also, like... kinda good... maybe? Something about it is just intriguing en...

Colossus Conquered

Oh crap, remember when i was playing the Shadow of The Colossus remake a while back? Well somehow i forgot to ever post the last 2 parts where i actually beat the game, so here they are. They're both completely insane, too! Hooray? I guess this game just brings out the cool in me. 

If you're new here or somehow missed the first two episodes when i posted them months ago, here they are. Altogether this means i played the entire damn game on stream, so you can sit there for 8 and a h...

The Hunt for Dudu

This game straight up has a character in it named Dudu. I'm not pulling your leg here, they dead ass thought they could get away with putting a guy named Dudu in this epic quest. This is the Witcher 3, man. This is an epic adventure, a bardic tale for the ages. But every so often a character says "where's Dudu?" and I laugh. Good times. 

It's like, i wanna say to him, "hey DUDU, did you know that your name means crap and poop?"

Cause like, maybe he doesn't know. Why else woul...

The Witcher 3: Will I beat it?

Ha. You thonestly thought i     not make a video this month? I always come through. I      did a Whole fucking video   review thing. I spent the first half of this month on a train. It was sort of a cosmic trip through the outer dimensions, maybe i'll tell you bout it sommtime. But teh point is there was no time to do no stupid video shit but then i got back to earth and im like oh crap i gotta do my fuckin job now. 

so im like...

My Christmas Cocaine Cameo!

Years ago, I put together a video called "Christmas Specials That Rule", which despite being one of the most immaculately written and performed retrospective videos in the history of youtube was immediately taken down by the copyright police and has been languishing in obscurity on Dailymotion ever since. Here's a link if you've never seen it. The point being I have long been on record as a lover of Christmas, shows, and the grand tradition of Christmas episodes of those shows. 

( ...

Death Stranding: Will I Beat It?

DeathStranding: Will I beat it?

Here’s a new series that will never be continued, unless it is. It was inspired by me compulsively taking notes on a game i was playing, but not wanting to record any footage, so instead i went on a goddamn nature hike. Kinda like that Breath of The Wild video i did that one time. Remember that? Well, here’s another one. Except it’s Death Stranding now and i’m wearing tiger pants. 

I swear i’ve been waiting for these bozo...

Guide To Disney Plus

Hey here’s a video wow holy crap. CoOL.

I’m on a train, i haven’t slept in like 40 hours, and i’m too high on train drugs to write this, so it’s just gonna be a weird rambling something or other. They don't even got wi-fi on here so by the time you read this i'll be living in your future while you're stuck in my past. But that ain't nothin new. I've been ahead of the curve since before they even laid down the rails. That's a train-boast.

I’m sitting here i...

Happy Holidayz, Here's me beating Lion King

Another year on Earth, another year for the soft peasants of this world to cry out for a savior. "Who can beat The Lion King?" they beg, "its the hardest game EVER!" they lament from their padded nurseries of complacency and dilapidated bunkers of fear. Oh, how they sicken me. 

Nevertheless, it falls to me to show an ungrateful world how it's done. Rejoice, feeble mortals! The Lion King-King has descended from his golden throne atop Pride Rock, to walk among the masses and bring ho...

Cool and Dope Adventure Time Pirate Game

Hey, remember adventure time? Well here's that, but a video game... and it rules. I don't know what more to say about it really. You play as Finn and Jake and you sail around Ooo like the the fuckin Wind Waker singing sea shanties. It's clearly the best game ever made. 

This right here is just a good old fashioned cool commentary on a rad game based on a kickass show that i miss dearly. Adventure Time was so great. The pain of its absence bores deeper into my chest with each passin...