endlessjess

Lion King Part 2 - Bugz and Drugz

“Remember who you are” says the stern cloud.

I’m trying, Mufasa. I’m staring at a pool of deep reflection, guided by the spirits and willed by the under-dude to break on through to a fresher and more authentic myself. The time of metamorphosis is calling again. The rejuvenating cycle, the spirit quest we intrepid wanderers must undertake every now and then, when patterns become prisons and powers wane. The guts and bones know, when it's time to pur...

AEW Fight Forever: Career Mode - Part 2

My AEW career continues. I'm training hard. Saying my vitamins, eating my prayers, taking selfes with Pac and stuffing my strong body with big pizza. I'm on the road to gold. I'm all in, all out, double or nothing, twist and shout. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm a wrestler.

I approach this noble sport without ego. That's why you might see me lose a match here or there. I'm not a mark. Pin me and pay me, that's my motto. The only guy I won't lie down for is that truculent...

Spongebob Cosmic Shake - part 2

Part 2... of 2. Because i don't have PS+ anymore and that means they can lock you out of the games you supposedly own. That's fine, I suppose the world doesn't necessarily need a 27 part series of me playing a SpongeBob game. I'm fairly confident I've said all that need be said on the matter.

To sum up my points, the graphics are good, too good. The pizza box animation should be hanging like a cheesy parachute and the fact that it isn't is the only flaw. The ...

Panel-Cast: X-Men 700

It's over. It's done. Goodbye, orgy island. We can all go home back to our pitiful, disappointing, regular lives now. It's time for normal. No more damn X-men.

Just kidding, I'm sure the next 5 year story arc is starting up already, but I need a poop and a cigarette first. In fact i think we could all use a poop and a cigarette. I know Cyclops could use one, Xavier definitely could. Magneto, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Storm, they're all lookin like a sad Ben Affleck picture right about now...

Panel-Cast: His name is Donald~Wolverine.

There he is. What can I even say about this abomination? A lot.

This is what we get when we allow Disney to stick it's bendy straw duck dick in everything. Oh sure, it looks like the happiest, silliest, coolest thing ever conceived. But the entire joke is right there on the cover, the rest is a mind-rotting waste of time. I assure you there's nothing inside worth looking at, let alone reading, and i suggest that you don't.

Actually reading this thing feels like reading the Necrono...

Panel-Cast: Poison Ivy and Conan

This time i got a little bit of everything for ya. Multiple issues of multiple comics featuring multiple men (but not THE Multiple Man), and even some women too. I got a Batman, 2 different versions of Harley Quinn, an alternate Ultimate Spider-Man who still gets laid, Alternate '97 X-Men with an Alternate Jean getting fucked full of baby, a mixed tag-team of Double-Daredevils, a mopey out-of-character Poison Ivy, and 2 adventures of the one and only Conan, DAMN. Conan in particular is awesom...

Panel-Cast: Rise and Fall of The House of The Powers of The Life of Wolverine and The X-Men Team

It's time for the most convoluted Panel-Cast yet, but don't blame me, blame the X-men.

The Krakoan Era is nearing its conclusion so if you've somehow managed to maintain your faculties and keep up with this chronologically confused pretzel of aborted timelines and high concept space-God insanity for the last 5 years, hold on to your brain because they're pulling out all the stops to confuse you as much as possible right at the finish line.

We've got Fall of The House of X... and W...

Groovy Tunes: Rock n Roll Road Trip

 

I recently had places to go and cool stuff to do, so i drove to the place, did the stuff, and am currently doing more stuff. Maybe I'll tell ya about it someday. But first I'm gonna tell you about some groovy tunes i listened to while spacing out in my car for 20 hours.

My method of choosing what to listen to has evolved in numerous strange ways over the years. Today's theme is whatever...

Neodori Forever

Here's another prime example of why i love swimming in the bargain bin. I'm pretty sure I got this bad boy on sale for less than a dollar. It's a pretty simplistic game, almost feels like something made for phones or touchpads, but that simplicity belies perfection.

Just look at this fucking thing. It's got one of the most beautiful and serene vibes any game has ever blasted me in the face with. This is the perfect game to play when you're so stoned you're basically an adult infant, yo...

Agtah Crhsiti: ABC Murbers

Oh crap, gang... looks like i got us a mystery on my hands, which I readily assume to be impossible. I assure you there will be no solving this mystery, and in fact if I even so much as find a clue it will be a happy accident, because i can barely wrap my head around how to play this bastard game, let alone comprehend whatever riddle I'm supposed to be solving. I'm still working on the mystery of what the mystery is.

I don't even know Agatha Christie, except for that one episode of Doct...

Beholgar

Did you know that we currently live in a world where a Hot n Ready Pizza and a 2 liter of Pepsi comes to 13 dollars? That's how i know civilization is nearing the end of another cycle, and soon the oceans will rise up to drink this cursed land the same way they did Atlantis in ages past.

I long for a new Hyborian age, where one such as I can live free and be King of my own legend. Back in the time of Conan, you could get a hot meal and a warm woman for the price of a single gold coin, ...

AEW Fight Forever: Career Mode

Meanwhile, in a better world, I finally get my big break. A call from the money mark himself Tony Khan. My career as a wrestler finally gets off the ground with the stupidest match possible, the Casino Battle Royal. A match that I do not and will never understand the rules of.

It doesn't matter if i win or lose, all that matters is I'm finally somewhere a man of my talents can make a decent living, provided i get enough promo time and my own trusted travel masseuse. I may be more buff ...

SpongeBob Cosmic Shake

I fucked my beard up, and I'm in a real pissed off mood about it, so here's a goddamn happy silly SpongeBob game. I'm just gonna throw some glows at you people and then I'm leaving for the rest of the month.

When I get back I'm changing my entire cosmic joke of a life, and you damn sure won't see me until I look normal. Right now I look like Walter White with a ponytail, a Star Trek Mirror Dimension cunt version of myself, it's fuckin horrible.

Spongebob on the other hand gets to ...

FF8 Laguna Glow

I have 2 terabytes of Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth footage that for some asinine reason won't fucking function in my editing software, and won't convert without corrupting itself, so while i spend the next year of my life trying to figure that shit out, here's Final Fantasy 8.

This is the most underappreciated game in the series. It totally kicks ass, the story is completely insane, and it even has Laguna, the ultimate Giga-Chad of the entire franchise. If Laguna were in Final Fantasy 7 the ...

It's Lion King Time.

The Lion King King has returned. I'm sure most of you have seen me play through this masterpiece before but you haven't seen me do it this burnt out and stoned, I assure you. This game is my happy place and the only thing that soothes my battered soul. I'm in the middle of my indefinite amount of time eating bugs in the desert era, and no one can stop me from melting into my couch with the same Sega Genesis games I've been playing since I was a cub.

Normies fear this game,...

Silent Hill Transmission

In my restless dreams, i smell that brown. Here I am boofin and goofin on the Super Duper Bloober Team Trailer Dream known as The Silent Hill 2 Remake, as well as a movie and some dumb merch and a bunch of stupid DLC. It's gonna be bad of course, but i'm probably gonna play it anyway.

I recently replayed both Silent Hill 2 and 3, and i'm not at all surprised to report they both hold up flawlessly and are still masterpieces, so attempting to remake this at all is as pointless as it...

Nintendo Direct 2024

It seems like only yesterday i was hopelessly reacting to last years overpriced Nintendo Game trailers, but it was in fact last year. I could only justify sacrificing my wallet for one of them, which was Pikmin 4 because duh. So which will be the lucky one Nintendo Game i get to play this year? Will it be something that involves Peach shaking her fine can? I can only hope so.

Come see what wonders await in the upcoming year's vast Nintendo Library of games that will never go on sale. M...

AEW Fight Forever!

Oh boy, a new wrestling game! AEW's booking philosophy is 2 percent wrestling and 98 percent pandering to millennial gamers, so it stands to reason the game might actually be fun. This game is designed in every way to look, play, and feel like a hybrid of the N64/PS2 era wrestling games, which are the last wrestling games anyone remembers fondly, before it all went 2K (the K is for Krap).

So far, it's only been savaged by critics. People seem to hate this game and regard it as complete ...

Permutations of Pac-Man

Who's more versatile than Pac-Man? Nobody, that's who. Pac-Man has been around for about 200 years, he's iconic. There's about 5,000 Pac-Man games. All of them are completely different and most of them are completely insane.

I present to you here a mere taste of the eclectic wonders which await in Pac-Land. One can only handle so much Pac at a time. You don't want to come down with Pac-Man fever. The song makes it sound fun but it's a horrible disease. Like something you'd get in the Ra...

Panel-Cast: Ultimate Spidey and Principles of Necromancy

I am an un-living horror and my existence is eternal pain, so i can relate to the grotesque ghouls and reanimated mountains of reeking flesh found in today's tale of terror. It's time for some weird science. The Principles of Necromancy is a handy and informative guide to groundbreaking research that the intelligencia of the day don't want you knowing about.

Doctors want you to stay sick so you can be dependent on their ineffective treatments and then die, but i know a doctor who can cu...

AEW Double Or Nothing 2024

I missed this show because i was busy that weekend wandering around a strange city on big drugs, which i find is important to do sometimes. So once i was back on my couch i had to resort to downloading it, which took an entire day, only to find i had accidentally downloaded the pre-show. So then i had to download the actual show which took another entire day. What a pain.

This is the kind of assey hassle I've grown weary of, and a prime example of why i plan on making some changes aroun...

All Your Damn Requests (50 Damn Videos)

About a year and a half ago, I started offering video requests here. I did this to give back, cause I know you all like my reviews and I hadn't been in a position to make them for some time. People on here kept supporting me during my homeless pandemic years when all I could make were hotel lets plays, car podcasts, and outdoor skits, so once I got somewhere relatively stable I figured the best...

Old Man Plays Far Cry

Do you know the definition of insanity? Playing video games, in the Blue Glow, over and over again, forever. That was a Far Cry 3 reference which is not even this game so forget it. This is Far Cry classic which i never got to experience before. By the time i played this series it was all dubstep and bullshit.

I never even played the cool 80s future synthwave one. I never played the caveman one. Or the MAGA one, or whatever else this wacky series cooked up. The only one i ever played w...

Halloween Forever

Ha Ha. More like Ha Ha Ha-lloween because this game's gnarly. Not since the movie Pumpkinhead has a game been so Pumpkinhead. It's okay that it's not Halloween right now. This game is called Halloween Forever, so you can play it whenever you want.

I like this game's style a lot. I love the black background on everything, it gives the graphics a dark look that stands out against other poopy stinky smelly retro games. This little guy barfs out candy corn at his enemies. He can be my enem...

Skul The Hero Slayer Demon King Castle Defense

Those are certainly all words. I'm a bit perplexed at how they equal a video game, but fortunately it was free. Turns out... it's playable. The game is not shit. It has gameplay, Groots, and other qualities too I'm sure.

It's got cute tumblr skeletons, cute hollow knight everything else, and gameplay that is... indescribably plain. It's about the most gameplay ass gameplay i've ever gameplayed. This is the definition of basic. It feels fine. It doesn't feel bad. It just is.

I di...

Castlevania Rondo of Blood

This is one of the more badass Castlevania games, as you can clearly see by the sick 90s anime opening. Look at that hot naked babe. I didn't even choose that thumbnail, the game did.

This masterpiece was originally confined to a Japanese computer system that nobody ever heard of and then ported badly to America in a number of stupid ways. First with an inferior SNES version and then an even more inferior psp version. This package with Symphony is the first actual english release of th...

Final Fantasy Dissidia NT

This is the dumbest and worst fighting game series of all time. Can you even call it a fighting game? Can you call it a game at all? It's more like a digital clusterfuck. That thumbnail sums up the whole experience. Pure visual chaos. Can you even tell what's happening? I can't, and I was there. I was in the midst of this polygonal maelstrom, hanging on for dear life as the mad game played itself at me.

Dissidia is a Latin word which means the plural form of disagreement...

They put Rambo in this game.

This isn't even the new Mortal Kombat anymore, i know that. I'm late to the party. Big deal. I remember recording an episode of this years ago but i lost the recording. Fortunately I've forgotten everything so it's like I'm playing it for the first time again.

This one has Rambo in it, so I'm guessing the 11 stands for 11/10. I like Sub-Zero. I wish i had some big tacos. Mortal Kombat rules. I go find tacos now.

Panel-Cast: TMNT 150

All good things come to an end, like this legendary turtles run which came to an end 50 issues ago. But all mid things come to an end too, and God has finally shown us the mercy of ending the tumblrcore furry book that replaced TMNT after issue 100. I've probably complained about this a hundred times already, but now I'm complaining about it for the last time because the era of mutant town is finally over! It's a time for rejoicing!

This book stopped being my cup of tea when it turned i...

The Mark of Kri - Dummy Destroyer

This falls into the category of "Games i swear are good and cool even if it looks and sounds like I'm having a terrible time." This came out in 2002 and it stayed in 2002. I've never met another person who played it. But I did. It even had a sequel which i assume was made specifically for me, the game's only fan.

I remember this game being extremely difficult but worth it because it's just such a unique experience. Everything about this game has intent, from the graphics to the cut sce...