Stephen King: so i was down at the bookstore and they were throwing my books around
Dean Koontz: oh no! why were they doing that?
King: well dean
Koontz: they could damage the books!
King: well dean
Koontz: or hurt someone!
King: well dean
Koontz: or
King: let me finish dean
King: i was all 'what's going on?' and then IT hit me
Koontz: why were they doing it?
King: well IT hit me
Koontz:
King: see, IT is the title of one of my
K...
Thomas Monteleone: hey everyone you may remember how last year i got really mad about the blacks and the trans
Monteleone: but I've had a year to think about it
Monteleone: and I've decided to start a substack
Poe: oh no
King: oh no
Barker: oh no
Koontz: oh no
Lovecraft:
Monteleone: don't worry, i anticipated your interest in my substack
Monteleone: so I've taken the liberty of subscribing you all to MONTELEONE'S MUMBLINGS
Monteleone: welcome to my twiste...
WW Jacobs: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the monkey's paw
Jacobs: it's about a monkey paw that grants wishes
King: sounds great!
Jacobs: no it's not
Jacobs: it's really bad actually
Jacobs: see, the thing is the monkey's paw grants wishes IRONICALLY
Jacobs: like a real asshole genie or something
Jacobs: there's this british couple and they use it to wish for money, but then their son dies in a horrible...
2024-07-26 16:47:37 +0000 UTC View Post[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss?
Rowling: allisssson how goess the lawsssuit againssst ssstonewall?
Allison Bailey: GREAT NEWS!
Bailey: if losing were winning, then we just totally won!
Rowling:
Rowling: ssee, thiss sssilver-tongued eloquence isss why you're the bessst lawyer in the bussinesss!
Bailey: thanks, dark lord!
Rowling: or you would be if you ACTUALLY WON ANY CASSSESSS
Bailey: i
Steven Spielberg: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the poltergeist
Spielberg: now unfortunately, i'm kinda committed to tell a different story over at space coven tonight
Spielberg: so my good friend tobe hooper is gonna tell this one for me
Tobe Hooper: it's actually pronounced toe-bee
Spielberg:
Spielberg: what
Tobe Hooper: so this is a story about an average suburban family who suddenly finds a ghost in their TV
Spielbe...
Gemma Amor: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the feral
Amor: ladies, let me ask you
Amor: the things we do to be pretty, ugh!
Amor: wouldn't it be easier to be a wolf?
Amor: look at how modern life oppresses us!
Angela Carter: preach it sister!
Amor: aren't you tired of putting on make-up everyday?
Carter: that's right!
Tabitha King: yeah!
Sonia Greene: yeah!
Mary Shelley: yeah! fuck make up!
Patricia Highsmith...
Brian McNaughton: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the throne of bones
McNaughton: ok so get this what if there was a whole giant necropolis full of ghouls
McNaughton: and also ghoul fuckers
McNaughton: we follow Blux Beepo, a local pervert who considers himself an artist and his medium is ghoul fucking
McNaughton: now Blux Beepo may not be the darling of the elite critics who prefer the more commercial pop art of quiet seduction, ...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: how goesss the election?
Rowling: did we win?
Posie Parker: good news!
Parker: if words meant the opposite of what they do, then yes we won!
Rowling: excellent, excellent, that'ss great
Rowling: wait a ssec
Rowling: confound you, you ssilver tongued devil!!
Rowling: how iss thisss possssible? are you ssaying the people of britain aren't excited for exterminating the transs?
JK Rowling: sso i was talking to a real life friend who exisstss (he'ss jusst sstanding right outsside of frame) and i assked him do you know what the bepenissed lessbians are doing to the ssoil
Rowling: for ssome reasson he sseemed really uncomfortable
Rowling: sso of coursse i demanded to know what all hiss sstraight male friendss were into, ssexually
Rowling: but apparently thiss iss not a thing that sstraight men disscusss with each other
Rowling: which provess trans...
King: gosh joanne sure has been trending a while on twitter
King: like, for almost a week straight
Poe: oo
Poe: er
Poe: that's
King: yeah that's not good
Poe: that's very bad
Poe: i don't think it's healthy
Poe: it does things to you
Vladimir Nabokov: ok i got a story
Nabokov: but i'm only gonna tell it if you all promise not to be mad at me
Poe: we promise
Nabokov: you promise?
Nabokov: you all have to say it
Poe: we all promise
K...
Zach Cregger: big news, everyone!
King: oh! are you doing another Barbarian movie?
Cregger: bigger than that!
Cregger: grillos pickles come in a screw top jar now!!!
King: oh nice that's way more convenient
Cregger: check it out! Off! [removes top from pickle tub]
Cregger: And on! [replaces top on pickle tub]
Cregger: it's so easy!
Cregger: way better than trying to jam a butter knife under a plastic tab
Cregger: i tell you, this screw top...
2024-06-27 14:49:31 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: sso bad newsss
Rowling: i'm posssesssed by a transsphobic demon but my cheap ssskinflint of a piece of shit of a hussband won't pay for an exorcisssm
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Poe: um
Poe: well we're sorry to hear that
King: do you need us to take up a fund?
King: c'mon guys let's pitch in!
Barker: what the fuck? no
Barker: steve she's the richest author in the world
Barker: she can affor...
Stephen King: hey guys aren't you all excited for the next cormoran strike novel?
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
King: boy, i sure hope robin and cormoran finally act on the repressed feelings Joanne has hinted at for the previous 7 books!
King: i feel like they're due
Poe: just out of curiosity steve
Poe: what exactly do you like about those books so much
King: well, for starters, they're very very long!
King: i dunno, i just find that relata...
[at the beach]
Sonia Greene: oh howard this was such a lovely idea!
Greene: a romantic seaside picnic and just the two of us!
Greene: and we've got your favorite food right here - untoasted white bread!
Greene: isn't this nice?
HP Lovecraft: [sweats, stares at ocean] right sure
HP Lovecraft: Hey! Quit kicking sand in our faces!
Sonia Greene: that man is the worst nuisance on the beach!
Aleister Crowley: [grabbing Lovecraft] listen here, I'd smash your face, onl...
Joe Koch: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the invaginies
Stephen King: whoa joe that sounds kind of adult, is this appropriate for dean?
Koch: oh it's fine, it's not like it's super adult
Koch: or rather anything dean could parse as adult
King: this one might be a little rough dean, maybe you should sit this one out
King: here, you can take these crayons and sit over there
King: maybe draw us a nice picture of that spooky pumpki...
Jane Schoenbrun: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the glowing tv
Schoenbrun: it's about this kid who's obsessed with a 90s TV series called the pink opaque
Schoenbrun: and how estrogen would have saved her
King: Oh, like Pete and Pete!
Schoenbrun: what
King: the show! it's like pete and pete, right?
Schoenbrun:
Schoenbrun: no
Poe: steve, it's clearly based on Are You Afraid of the Dark
King: you think? it real...
Arkasha Stevenson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the first omen
Stevenson: it's about a plot to breed the antichrist
King: wait this sounds familiar
Stevenson: yeah it's based on The Omen
King: no that's not it
King: wait! i've got it!
King: this is totally ripping off Good Omens!
King: it's the same set up!
Lovecraft: you're right! even the name is similar!
Barker: wow, i hope someone gets fired for TH...
Lilian Jackson Braun: ok so hear me out on this one
Braun: what if there was a cat that solved mysteries?
Rita Mae Brown: a cat that solved mysteries?!?!?
Carole Nelson Douglas: a cat that solved mysteries?!?!
Cate Conte: a cat that solved mysteries!!??
Brown: this is the greatest thing i've ever heard
Braun: you think?
Brown: listen i have 2 interests in life
Brown: radical lesbian liberation
Brown: and cats that solve mysteries
Brown: a...
AM Shine: check this out, ishana night shyamalan is gonna retell my watchers story
Ishana Night Shyamalan: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the watchers
Barker: is there a twist
Shyamalan: i'm not my dad
Shyamalan: i'm my own person
Shyamalan: i'm not just the daughter of the twist director guy
Shyamalan: i am my own individual
Shyamalan: with my own directorial voice and style, damnit!
Barker: yeah but
&nb...
M. Lopes da Silva: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the glitter deer
da Silva: what if elon musk got killed by a deer
da Silva: but not just any deer
da Silva: a gray goo glitter deer
da Silva: what if elon musk got killed by a deer
Stephen King: god we should be so lucky
King: i'm sorry i shouldn't have said that out loud
King: he's just been really frustrating lately
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy Stephano...
2024-06-11 18:34:53 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have exccciting newsss
Rowling: I've jussst been awarded tablet magazine'sss new sssinai award
Rowling: this will make the perfect replacement for that human rightsss award that got revoked
Stephen King: what's this award for, joanne?
Rowling: it's for being one of the 36 people whossse presssence ssstopsss god from dessstroying the earth
King:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Poe:
Barker:
Barker: how exactly are you stop...
2024-06-10 20:25:02 +0000 UTC View PostEdward Lee: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the strange stones
Mary SanGiovanni: me and ed wrote a cosmic horror
SanGiovanni: it's about this professor who hates HP Lovecraft
Lovecraft:
SanGiovanni: like REALLY hates him Lovecraft:
Lee: ok bro so this professor is at this horror convention to talk about how much HP Lovecraft sucks
Lovecraft: hey!
Lee: oh it's not me bro, i think you're cool, it's this professor, ...
Brian Keene: feeling cute, might delete later
Stephen King: looking good, brian! Looking good!
Keene: oh my god
Keene: stephen king liked my suit!
Keene: i'm never changing this suit again
Mary SanGiovanni: now wait a second-
Keene: don't try to change me, baby!
Keene: there's only one thing to do now
Keene: strut
Keene: [doing the Keep on Truckin' walk] well you tell by the way that i use my walk
Keene: i'm a ladies man no time to talk
<...
2024-06-06 17:19:30 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'd like you all to know about my new book
King: you wrote another harry potter book? awesome!
Rowling: no itsss not a harry potter book
Barker: oh jesus not another cormorant shrike
Rowling: ITS CORMORAN SSTRIKE
Rowling: AND NO
Rowling: this book is called 'the women who won't wheeshhht'
Barker: women who won't wee or shit?
Rowling: no that'sss not what i sssaid
Rowling: that'sss not what i sssaid and you know it!!
2024-06-05 17:13:03 +0000 UTC
View Post
Sheridan Le Fanu: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the new drug scourge that's sweeping the nation, seducing our youth
Le Fanu: you know what i'm talking about
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Le Fanu: i'm talking about green tea
Barker: wait wait wait
Barker: green tea?
Le Fanu: yes
Barker: and that's the street name for.... what now?
Le Fanu: green tea
Barker: hahahaha
Le Fanu: T...
Poe: tonight, Lord Dunsany is going to tell a story
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany!?
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany is here?!?
Lovecraft: no no i'm not ready, i can't meet lord dunsany!
Poe: you'll be fine, howard
Lovecraft: do i look ok? how's my hair?
Poe: it's fine, howard
Lord Dunsany: submitted for the approval of
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany! I'm your biggest fan!
Dunsany: thank you. submitted for
Lovecraft: did you get those letters i sent?
King: oh yeah how...
Alex Garland: now this story is for the ladies
Garland: i feel like you'll really "get" it
Garland: it's feminist
Angela Carter: ah, good
Garland: it's about how men suck ass
Carter:
Carter: alright, i'm listening
Alex Garland: ok so, as we all know, men are trash
Garland: i mean, am i right, ladies?
Garland: not me of course!
Garland: i'm elevating women's voices
Garland: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the me...
2024-05-22 17:35:01 +0000 UTC View PostJust some fun from the podcast, currently funding on Indiegogo as the kids say!
2024-05-21 17:41:48 +0000 UTC View PostJames H Longmore: after yesterday's incident, I'd like to offer a full and complete apology to the humorless scolds of the woke mob
Franz Kafka:
Kafka: well, good
Kafka: see that it doesn't happen again!
Longmore: look, this story about joe's unwanted penis is just a light-hearted comedic jaunt!
Kafka: booo!
Longmore: [wiping sweat from brow] jeez tough crowd
Longmore: better switch gears
Longmore: hey how about a story about gross fatties?
Longmore: i have a...
2024-05-21 17:40:23 +0000 UTC View PostJames H Longmore: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of joe's unwanted penis
Longmore: it's a darkly humorous parody of the bruce jenner story
Poe: you mean caitlyn jenner?
Longmore:
Longmore: what?
Barker: oh yeah this really bodes well
Barker: she changed her name, she's Caitlyn now
Longmore: really?
Barker: you didn't know?
Barker: i mean she's in the news all the time for sucking
Poe: clive
Barker: what? she's not h...