[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: tonight we've got a special story from everyone's favorite fantasy writer
GRR Martin:
CS Lewis:
Peter S Beagle:
Hans Christian Andersen:
L Frank Baum:
Tolkien: whoops shouldn't have said that ha ha
Tolkien: i mean, you're all winners in my book
Tolkien: but when i say everyone's favorite fantasy writer
Tolkien: i mean terry practchett
GRR Martin: oh yeah that's fair
CS Lewis: yeah fair
Peter S Beagle: fair...
JK Rowling: Well, I'm a big time writer with ssix more books insider her
Rowling: and I'm beloved everywhere i go
Allison Bailey: that sounds like you!
Rowling: I tweet about factss and biology
Rowling: and I never get ratio'd
Bailey: right!
Rowling: I make all kinda tweetss about transs atheletess
Rowling: and the poisson of tesstossterone
Rowling: and i keep getting richer
Rowling: but i can't get my picture
Rowling: on the cover of the rolling sstone
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I was just thinking about how transs people should be eliminated from ssociety
Jonathan Chait: whoa whoa whoa! joanne!
Chait: you can't say it like THAT
Chait: so uncouth
Chait: you have to say it with your pinky finger extended
Elon Musk: si! issa no good!
Musk: issa too mucha trans genocide
Musk: you shoulda only post the right amount offa da trans geocide
Musk: lookita me, i lika da tr...
Robert Morgan: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of stopmotion
Morgan: ok so imagine
Morgan: what if your mom was richard williams
Morgan: just imagine a domineering parent using their disapproval to control their child as a vessel of their own creativity
Stephen King: what the-
King: that's terrible!
King: what parent would do that?!
King: i could never do that to my boy Joe
King: he's too precious to me!
Clive Ba...
2024-05-10 18:09:51 +0000 UTC View PostKiersten White: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the creepy kids show
Stephen King: oh excellent! a creepy pasta!
King: my boy joe told me all about those
King: like that scary cartoon sponge man!
Joe Hill: it was squidward, dad
King: right right of course joe
White: this isn't a creepypasta
White: it's about a weird show that everyone vaguely remember watching but can't remember any details of
White: and also the time slot...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Elon Musk: eyyyy i just thinka you should post somethinga besida da transphobia, si?
Musk: lika da strega bambino!
Musk: da people lova da straga bambino! [chef's kiss]
Rowling: wow elon maybe you're right
Rowling: maybe i should take a break from transsphobia to talk about the sssix other booksss that i'm planning to write
Rowling: becaussse there are sssix other minoritiesss that have really been pissssing me off lately
Rowlin...
2024-05-06 17:45:53 +0000 UTC View Post[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: asss you all know
Rowling: women are defined by their big gametesss
Helen Joyce: oh yeah definitely
Joyce: i'm always saying that
Rowling: and furthermore
Rowling: the bigger the gamete, the more woman you are
Rowling: now that'ss jusst ssciencce
Rowling: really, that'ss all the ssciencce you need
Rowling: you can pretty much bin the resst of that shit
Rowling: and alsso
Slimyswampghost: check it out, i designed some tarot cards
SSG: they work just like regular tarot cards
SSG: except they have scary monsters on them
SSG: with real fucked up corned beef faces
Poe: how's this work? like regular tarot cards?
SSG: oh yeah exactly
SSG: well i mean almost exactly
Poe: what do you mean almost exactly?
SSG:
Poe: what do you mean almost exactly?
Poe: that "almost exactly" kinda has me a little worried tbh
King: oh edgar you're b...
Hey, everyone -- a little NON-MIDNIGHT PALS NEWS for once. The next volume in the acclaimed SPLIT SCREAM series is available to preorder now from Tenebrous Press! Split Scream is super cool cuz, here's how it works -- you get TWO horror novellas for the price of one! Guess who's in Split Scream 5, hitting shelves in July? Me, that's who! Lyndsey Croal and I have some real COOL stories for ya!
The Ballad of Horse Girl - Bitter Karella
California, 1860. The corrupt judge and snake oi...
Brian Keene: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of crazy bear valley
Keene: so these no-good outlaws are on the run from the law
Keene: but
Keene: they take a wrong turn
Keene: into danger
King: what kind of danger?
Keene: bigfoots
Keene: its a no holds barred war to the death between cowboys and bigfoots
Keene: cowboys, of course, have the advantage of intelligence and speed, as well as firearms
Keene: but the bigfoo...
Thomas Disch: neil in the good omens game, is there a way to escape the dungeon without using the wizard's key?
Neil Gaiman: ah! a very good question!
Clive Barker: what? that's a terrible question
Gaiman: ah but there are NO bad questions, clive
Gaiman: curiosity is the rain that waters the seed of knowledge
Debbie Dadey: um excuse me sir neil gaiman but in Good Omens S2E42 aziraphale is shown performing the musubi dachi stance, but everyone knows that angels don't know ka...
2024-04-28 19:53:28 +0000 UTC View PostArkasha Stevenson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the first omen
Stevenson: things about to get real catholic here
William Peter Blatty: yes.. ha ha YES!!
Stevenson: and even more italian
Lovecraft: Lovecraft: oh uh i don't like that
Stevenson: it's about a moribund religious institution forcing a woman to carry a baby against her will set against the political violence of the years of lead
Alex Garland: why you hafta get ...
Anna Biller: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Shelley: you telling a gothic story here?
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic story telling elements of gothic
Biller: it's its own original thing
Shelley: oh yeah yeah i'll be the judge of that
Shelley: seein' as i invented gothic and all
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic-
Biller: it's not like angela's ...
2024-04-22 17:28:21 +0000 UTC View PostAnna Biller: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Biller: it's about a woman trapped at a secluded castle under the thumb of a mysterious and dangerous nobleman with dark family secerts
Biller: but with a feminist twist
Biller: the twist is gender essentialism
Angela Carter: that's hardly feminist, anna
Carter: now, when i retold bluebeard-
Biller: oh you say that now angela
Biller: but i got a secret weapon no ...
W. Somerset Maugham: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the magician
Maugham: so there's this evil magician
Aleister Crowley: hell yeah
Maugham: and he totally blew the big game against McKinley High
Crowley: hey
Crowley: hey wait a minute
Maugham: anyway this magician in my story? he really sucks
Crowley: what are you trying to pull here, man? you making fun of me?
Crowley: I'm the great beast! THE GREAT BEAST!!!
Crowley:...
Neil Gaiman: [inhaling fresh morning air] ahhhh what a great day for a race!
Clive Barker: what race?
Gaiman: the HUMAN race
Gaiman: i was just thinking of the awesome potential of the human mind
Gaiman: and the limitless vista of the human imagination
Gaiman: just imagine! with the awesome power of imagination, YOU are in control of your own fantasies
Gaiman: all you need is a pinch of curiosity, a dash of wonder
Gaiman: and an ounce of whimsy!!
Gaiman: butterfly ...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!!
Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: the time of our ultimate triumph issss at hand
Rowling: the cassss report says girlss play with dollsss and boyss play with truckss
Rowling: finally! sssomeone sssaid it!
Rowling: lisssten to these incredible findingsss
Rowling: "it is difficult to guess a person's gender based solely on their height and no other info"
Rowling: ok i'm not really ssure what that meanss
Rowling: but the co...
Mike Flanagan: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the fall of the house of usher
[several hours later]
Flanagan: ocean acidification, opioid addiction, postmaster louis dejoy
Flanagan: and microplastics! don't even get me started on that!
Mike Flanagan: Figures published reveal US beekeepers lost an estimated 48% of their honey bee colonies in 2022-23
Flanagan: this is the second highest death rate on record after 2020-21's 51%
Fl...
Elizabeth Broadbent: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of ink vine
Broadbent: what if there was a magical lesbian
Broadbent: in the swamp
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: i want to know more about this swamp lesbian
Patricia Highsmith: i too would like to know about this swamp lesbian
Broadbent: there's all sorts of mysterious things in a southern swamp
Broadbent: it's a spooky place where a strange lesbian might eat you if you wa...
Fletcher Pratt: i'd like to welcome you all to the first meeting of the No Mildreds Club
Mildred Baldwin: hey what are you boys doing in here
Pratt: um excuse me
Pratt: [pointing at sign] sorry mildred
Pratt: first order of business for the NO MILDREDS Club
Pratt: the chair recognizes isaac asimov
Isaac Asimov: yes can we change the name?
Asimov: its a little on the nose
Pratt: well what would you call it?
Asimov: how about
Asimov: the trapdoor...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Maya Forstater: dark lord! dark lord! terrible news!
Forstater: i just heard they're going to put you in jail!
Forstater: also i heard that antifa supersoldiers are going to execute all the small business owners in the town square
JK Rowling: ah yesss apparently sscotland thinksss it can jusssst pass sssome law ssaying you can't hate crime transs people
Rowling: ha "hate crime"
Rowling: what doess that even mean?
Rowling: you don't ...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have
Rowling: right here in my hand
Rowling: a list of 205 card carrying transssexualsss
Rowling: i'm keep track of crimesss committed by transsexualss
Rowling: the collective guilt of which should be borne by all transssexualsss
Rowling: and yet
Rowling: the woke mob wantss to make it illegal to do a pogrom
Maya Forstater: this is a great idea!
Rowling: thanksss i got it fro...
Mike Flanagan: so the important thing about the Usher family
Flanagan: is that they are all huge perverts
Poe: oh yes yes absolutely
Poe: see, this guy gets it!
Barker: do the Usher twins fuck
Poe: of course-
Flanagan: of course not!
Poe:
Poe: wait wait wait
Poe: mike, are you serious?
Poe: of course roderick and madeleine usher fuck!
Flanagan: i don't remember that
Poe: the insinuation is right there in the story!
Barker: ah
Barker: the...
Mike Flanagan: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of Edgar Allan Poe's Greatest Hits…Updated for the New Millennium!
Flanagan: what if roderick usher was a pharmaceutical bro?
Flanagan: what if Hopfrog had a fidget spinner?
Flanagan: what if the rue morgue orangutan vaped?
Poe: oh i don't know about this
Poe: i've been burned on this sort of thing before
Flanagan: no it'll be great
Flanagan: roderick usher's gonna talk just like ...
Stoker: i've got a great story for you all tonight
Koontz: dracula?
Stoker: no dean it's not dracula
Barker: you have other stories besides dracula
Stoker:
Stoker: yes clive i do have other stories
Barker: damn big if true!
Stoker: what are you implying clive? i have plenty of stories!
Stoker: i'm not some one hit wonder like mary
Mary Shelley: whoa there cowboy
Shelley: maybe you wanna back that the fuck up?
Stoker: i'm sorry mary, i didn't mean it
Stok...
Sam Richard: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the cartoon with a satanic grimoire in it
King: see, that's why we don't let dean watch tv
Richard: oh you shouldn't do that
Richard: kids gotta be free to explore
Koontz: you guys stop talking about me like i'm not here
King: dean it's for your own good
Koontz: stop it! i'm not just some little kid!
King: i don't know where he gets this
King: he's been so willful lately
King...
Sam Richard: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the fox devils
Richard: it's about this kid from a super religious family
Richard: they don't even let him watch cartoons!
Richard: [shaking head] they don't even let him watch cartoons.
Richard: his parents are so religious they think all pop culture is satanic
William Peter Blatty: yes, yes
Blatty: they're right you know
Blatty: that's why i don't sully my brain with any non-cath...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: i have concernss
Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here
Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you?
Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately
Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss
Poe: not really
Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay
Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" tha...
Stuart Gordon: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the castle freak
King: is this a freak who lives in a castle or someone who's a freak for castles?
Gordon:
Gordon: what do you think steve
King: probably the first thing?
Gordon: obviously
Gordon: so this castle freak
Barker: wait i also have a question
Barker: a question about the castle freak
Gordon: what do you want...