Catherynne M. Valente

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK BONUS EDITION PRESENTS: THE DARTH BABY

Darth Baby

As we’re all stuck home not allowed to go to brunches or breakfasts at pretty cafes or anywhere but into our DEEPEST DARKEST FEARATORIUMS, I thought I would share with everyone of every tier an extra recipe for this month. It is a breakfast food, but it is also a dessert. It is egg-heavy, but light on flour, which is the hardest thing to get in America right now, it seems, and WOW AMONG THE SENTENCES I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WRITE AS A PRIVILEGED ...

Traumatis Personae: Writing Through the Bad Times

 Greetings, all you who are dear and darling and distant.

It hardly matters what the first cough of spring feels like in Maine right now. Did it snow? I suppose. Did the snow stay? Not for long. I suppose it’s cold. I suppose it’s bare. I suppose there is mud without flowers, and red birds without sun. But I look out the window and I don’t see any of it. And I certainly don’t go outside. 

Who does, anymore?

The weather is my four walls. The world is my ceil...

Open Discussion Post

Hey, everyone! This is the revival of the monthly community discussion post WHICH I THINK WE COULD ALL USE RIGHT NOW.

Come on in! No social distancing in the comments! All surfaces sanitized and sparkling! Plenty of room to play with your friends!

Ok now I'm just depressing myself. I wanna go outside.

How are all of you holding up? Got flour? Got company? Got hope for the future.

Dammit. I did it again.

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY 

What's up, tiger lilies?

The Seventeen Nights (and counting)

Hello, darlings.

The essay will be up tomorrow along with an extra bonus recipe for those stuck at home trying to figure out what to cook. And I’m working on putting together that poetry collection for you guys! April will be a rewards-heavy month, yo.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to read from what amounts to my first novel, The Orphan’s Tales, every night until we all get to leave our homes. I thought about doing it here, but the livestream function o...

Three Year Anniversary

It's been three years this month since I began this Patreon. 

In that time, I've posted so much here, and made connections with so many of you, and been able to do so much (including creating a human child) because of your support.

I say it so often, but especially in this massively difficult and uncertain time for all of us, gratitude isn't a big enough word. Not only your patronage keeps me going as an artist and a person who likes to eat and sleep in a warm place, but your...

ALLCAPSCOOKBOOK PRESENTS: Craccoli (Parmesan Garlic Broccoli)

Craccoli

Like a lot of these recipes, this one is not technically mine, but I’ve made my own little alterations to it. This one belongs to my sister-in-law.

Whenever there’s a family potluck get together thing, everyone says excitedly OMG MIRANDA IS BRINGING HER BROCCOLI BETTER BE FAST

To which I hear you say: what? Broccoli? No one has ever been excited about broccoli in the history of the world (except one time when I was two month spregna...

ISOLATION Livestream in 20 Minutes

I'm going live in 20, grab your popcorn, your festive drink, and your questions! See you soon! The link is up there on my big dumb mug and you can have it open in a tab, it'll start broadcasting when I click go.

Livestream Tonight!

Hello, my loves. Everybody holding up ok?

I’m going to be doing the livestream tonight at 7:30pm EST. This one will be open to the public to watch, since everyone could use a little distraction right now. Hope that’s all right.

There’s still time to get questions in, and I suspect a big fat glass of wine is going to be my co-host. Remember that you can ask anything, doesn’t have to be at all about writing, especially now. I’ll sing a song and do a d...

Diary of a Plague Month

Hey, everyone.

Sooo...what’s up with you?

JK we all know what’s up with all of us. We are heading into uncharted territory, personally and economically and in all ways -ally. Most of us are drawing into our respective snail shells, attempting to weather this as best we can. I’m no different, except that we’ve gotten stuck in Australia in the middle of this. We fly home tomorrow and hope that we can get through two trans-continental flights, a layover,...

Excerpt: The Quidnunx (This Is How We Ediiiiiit)

What am I working on this month? Literally the thirteenth version of the first third of this damn middle grade novel, which you read an old first chapter of months ago. Figuring out how to start this thing has eaten me fully alive and I hate everything, but I think I have it now. I hope so anyway. So this is the new beginning, and fuck me but I don't even think the protagonist has the same name as when you guys last clapped eyes on it. But it's due so soon so this is gonna have to move on fro...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Chocolate and Pumpkin Chiffon Pie

Two Pies, Both Alike in Dignity

When I go to visit friends, I often cook for them. I LIKE TO. I PACK UNIQUE BAKING TINS.

This time, one of my old favorites was requested, a pie we often call Alternate Win Condition Pie. That is because every single goddamned time I make this pie, I FUCK IT UP. I forget some ingredient or step or WHATEVER and I have made it like twelve times and it’s ALWAYS A DIFFERENT THING and yet, each and every time, it turns out...

Please Do Not Get Mad At Me For What I Am About To Say About Dickstoats and Brave Buttercups: How to Fiction in an Angry World

Greetings, dear ones. It’s cold and rubbish over here HOW BOUT YOU? That’s all you can really say about January in New England. January, the worst month. The hangover of months. The month with crap weather, no holidays to look forward to beyond reading someone you thought was more or less okay being racist on the internet about MLK day, sitting there pissed off under a pile of things procrastinated that must finally be un-procrastinated, and all the while you’re supposed to m...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Meyer Lemon Maple Brown Butter Madeleines

Meyer Lemon Maple Brown Butter Madeleines

What can I say, the baby loves madeleines. We kept him mostly off the sugar sauce until he turned one, and now we’ve been introducing some low-key baked goods, and madeleines vanish into him instantaeously. It’s possible he just teleports them from the kitchen into his pack and play, I can’t be sure. So I decided, rather than keep buying them at $3 a pop, that I’d make some at home. 

I ALREADY HAD...

LET'S TALK ABOUT TIME, BABY

In Lieu of Title, Please Picture Jeremy Piven Yelling TEN YEARS in Grosse Pointe Blank

Greetings, my darlings. 

It is the end of the year. It is the end of the decade. I’m not even quite sure how to feel about that. The whole 2000s feel like one long decade; I don’t remember thinking too much about the 00s ending as a discreet unit of time passing in 2009. Did I take stock? Did I look back in anger? Did I ...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Roasted Carrot-Herb Salad

Roasted Carrot-Herb Salad 

I’m just going to admit up front that I DEAD-ASS STOLE this recipe from Maria Dahvana-Headley. Two years ago I went to a writers’ retreat she organized and she made it for all of us and it was so amazing that I begged for the recipe. That recipe, as with all great cooks, was mostly vague and all measurements were in “handfuls” and “bunches”, but I managed to make it work well enough at home to have served it a few...

By Request: Baa Baa Black Sheep: The Secret Verses

Extra Special Bonus Content Time!

Several people have requested my new Baa Baa Black Sheep verses, which are already canon around my house.

I'm working with a friend to pitch this as a picture book, so hopefully this is an epic preview to a future baby classic. Fingers crossed!

Baa Baa Black Sheep: The Secret Verses

Baa Baa Black Sheep have you any wool

Yes sir, yes sir six bags full

One for the master

On...

Book Birthday!

Today is launch day for Minecraft: The End! 

It's been a long crazy road since I took this improbable job, mostly because I thought it would be funny. It's the last job anyone would think I'd take, and that's always the job I want. 

Those of you in the Totally Voluntary Test Subjects tier an...

November Livestream Happening Now!

November Livestream Will Go Live in 30 Minutes!

Hi everyone! The YouTube Livestream will go up at 7 pm EST! Join me in the chat and let's share the dark autumn night together.

#thankyoupatrons

https://youtu.be/yW5uiJXwXcU

Thank You Patrons

Today is #ThankyouPatronsDay. We are meant to post special content and thank our patrons for supporting us.

Special content? Check. Stay tuned for the end of this post.

Thanking you?

My god, how?

There isn't enough pumpkin pie in the world to thank you all for what you've done for me and my family. Being here month after month, patient when I faltered, excited when I didn't, supporting us, making life possible during one of the most difficult few years of my t...

Essay: Love in the Time of Nanowrimo

Love in the Time of Nanowrimo

Greetings, fellow travelers on the mad and lonesome road!

The road is muddy and frozen and nasty at the moment. Along with an unseasonable nor’easter that left us out of power with a ruined roof, we’ve broken a thirty year record for early cold in November SO THAT’S FANTASTIC. It leaves us with a weird view out the windows, as there are still green leaves on some trees and a flower or too bravely making a statement ...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: CAKE SHAAAKE

CAKE SHAKE MISTAAAAKE

It’s only a mistake if you ate literally anything else that day. Or have issues with dairy. Or conspicuous consumption.

I’m not gonna say I invented this because I didn’t. There’s restaurants and such that serve it. My chef brother took a look at a cake I made and said: you should blend that shit up with ice cream and only afterward did I hear standups talking about someplace in Chicago that makes them or whateve...

Trying Out This Throne Thing

Patreon is implementing a new app that will function basically like a dedicated Discord (with a tipping function) for this group.

Well, I’ll try anything once!

Right now, I’m keeping it open to all Patrons, and we’ll see how much we do or don’t enjoy it. My Throne (not a crazy fan of that name real talk) name is the same as it is here, catvalente, download the app and we’ll put it through its paces!

Here's the link for my "private" (I think that means just for ...

At Long Last: Band Merch Table!

Back when Space Opera came out, we absolutely planned to have band t-shirts and such ready to go. People instantly started asking for them and we just got snowed under by the outpouring of attention for the book, my pregnancy, and the imminent kid.

But now, thanks to my amazing designer friend Kris McDermott, Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeroes finally have their own merch table! (I'm extra excited about the Helvetica shirt, I can't help it, I just think that design is so cool and I'm...

I Don’t Want Anybody Else, When I Think About You I Publish Myself: Methods of Madness in the Ebook Post-Apocalypse

Greetings, Mad Fictioneers! It’s autumn and that means I suddenly have nasty-ass heating oil bills and nothing is as attractive as staying in bed forever and everyone literally refuses to eat anything not pumpkin-spiced and also I fucked up my elbow on a truly Marvel-movie scale so I can barely function yaaaay! For those of you who haven’t followed my super graceful saga on Twitter: I was stepping over a baby gate, as you do, and started to trip, did some quick mental math conc...

A Question for the Laboratory!

Before I write this month's essay, I'd like to ask what you guys would like to hear me talk about! It's been awhile since I checked in and in that time I've written a number of quite personal essays that revolve around writing but edge more into general thoughtful musings. So I'd like to make sure I'm calibrating to your needs and interests a bit.

Please leave a comment letting me know what kind of essay topics you'd be interested in seeing me take on in the near future--more writing cr...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: West African Peanut Curry with Pink Sumac-Infused Rice Pilaf

West African Peanut Curry with Pink Sumac-Infused Rice Pilaf

I’ve been wanting to play around with this recipe for ages, ever since it showed up in The Good Place as Chidi’s favorite dish his grandmother used to make. Now that my favorite show’s final season has begun, it seemed as good a time as any to finally do it, and I had guests to cook for (I can’t help it, I break out the big guns for visitors. NGL IT’S SO MORE WILL COME AND STAY ...

Seasons of Sebastian: A Special Treat

I made this video to celebrate Sebastian's first year of life on earth. We decided it felt pretty personal and familial, so I didn't want to post it on social media at large.

But the thing is, without you guys, we would never have been able to afford to have this baby and give him all the things he needs. You've been part of our family, keeping house and heart together through all our recent trials. This little guy is all round-cheeked and happy in part because of your support ...

General Discussion Post

Hey guys! Here’s your monthly free discussion post, a place to get to know each other, vent, chat, whatever you like—it’s your space!

What’s up with you folks?

What's Cooler Than Cool? Losing Like a Big Loser.

Greetings, darlings. It is September, which means it has been almost an entire year since I made a human, which is pure madness and time is both stupid and fake. It also means the crowds on the island will slightly thin as they realize there’s like six weeks left till the pretty leaf time so they might as well go back to their other homes and work or something. I feel like I missed the whole summer, either cooped up working, shaping said human into something other than a particul...