Steven Seagal has done a number of hasty, ill-advised commercials that were not a good match for his brand, which is something along the lines of “Internet Tough Guy Without the Internet.” But his appearance as a playable character in World of Warships, one of those exploitative freemium wargam...
2020-08-11 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostGodless nerds, listen: for only $7.99 you can own a book containing all the secrets of being cool. This guide on being cool was published in 2018 and it's called...
Hello, I am here to talk to you about the music video for the song Dog Police by the band Dog Police off the album Dog Police. There may or may not be some Dog Police involved in this discussion. It’s best to be prepared.
We open with a woman seductively getting ready for her date by doing those mys...
2020-08-07 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostWorkout videos are known for often over-promising results, but when Linnea Quigley's workout video warns that it might kill you, it delivers. The fifty-nine-minute workout only features about twenty minutes of actual exercise, but in that short window of time, I did manage to hurt myself!
2020-08-06 15:01:00 +0000 UTC
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In the 1980s, when spirits were almost as high as TV executives, every stupid concept got its own cartoon, from literal cowboys to eight types of Smurf. And every one of those dumb cartoons got their very own terrible, child-scarring live stage show. In 1987, ThunderCats Live! gave over a dozen dra...
2020-08-05 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostThere's a popular book series called THE PENETRATOR, who is sort of like if the Scottsdale police tried to make their own James Bond out of plumber DNA. The books are so short and readable that two PENETRATOR novels are often collected in one paperback the publisher calls a DOUBLE PENETRATOR.
2020-08-04 15:01:02 +0000 UTC
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Terminal Madness was a mini-documentary about computers released in 1980, when basically nobody cared about computers. It was made in and for Madison, Wisconsin, where basically nobody cared about computers. It was created by people who did not care about computers, for people who did not care abou...
2020-08-03 15:01:07 +0000 UTC View PostFrom a certain point of view, Beanie Baby® Stories is a book filled with "Heartwarming stories for Beanie Baby® lovers of all ages," but there may have been no hobby more alien to human behavior than Beanie Baby® collecting. Nothing these people did made sense, and even today, years aft...
2020-07-31 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostRecently I, like so many others, had my high contact workout routine interrupted by COVID-19. I used to get exercise by lifting attractive women over my head like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Now that I'm stuck at home with no one to hoist, I need a new workout, so I turned to the woman with my...
2020-07-30 15:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
The Netflix show Iron Fist was about a billionaire kung fu master who did mostly stupid, boring things and couldn't fight for shit. This wasn't exactly a faithful adaptation of the comic book where he's so good at fighting, but only against weirdly helpless idiots. Welcome, reader, to...
EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED WORDS...
Men! Manly Men! Now that I have your attention, ladies and Macho Men interested in Meaty Manliness, I’d like to put forth my thesis statement: Men were at their Manliest before the widespread use of electricity zapped the testosterone ato...
2020-07-28 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostToday on Learning Day, we're looking at a book called How to Dominate Women. Regular 1900hotdoggers might be asking, "How to Dominate Women? Why isn't this book being looked at on Fucking Day?" I'll tell you why: because whoever wrote this book has never been laid in his life. This book is...
2020-07-27 15:00:06 +0000 UTC View PostHeads up, Hot Dog enthusiasts: We’ve got big news! Today is not Upsetting Day! We scheduled this announcement ironically, like calling a big guy “Tiny,” or Joe Rogan “sexually viable.” Yes, this is the opposite of Upsetting Day, because today marks the official launch of our podc-...
2020-07-24 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostPick two words to describe yourself. Ha, I can do it in three: THE HUNK BOAT.
No matter how full...
2020-07-23 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostI wish I could have friends who love me more than they love schoolwork and boys put together. I wish I could find an enchanted hairband that signifies I’ve been chosen as the new Avatar of Aphrodite. And I really wish I could explosively jumpkick Ultra Jinma, Arch-Queen of Jealousy in a way that exposes b...
2020-07-22 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIn the 1900hotdog library, there are countless books made up of total bullshit, sometimes because the author was a lying grifter and other times because they were a stupid failure. This book, My Life's Fight: the life story of Mark Bailey, has one of each. It's the fully fiction...
2020-07-21 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostI want a lot of things: safety and security for my family, a fulfilling and rewarding career, an enormous and profane cannon with which I can revenge myself upon my enemies. The problem is getting them. I have no idea how to get any of those things! Cautious economic planning? Shameless networking? Magic? I...
2020-07-20 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostFuck this nightmare book. Hi, I'm the Internet's Seanbaby, handsome humorist from beloved comedy website 1900hotdog.com, and I'm telling you right now CETO'S NEW FRIENDS is, without question, some bullshit. I understand this sentence will be used against us if humanity is ever on trial for...
2020-07-17 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostAn “All-Cher production of Westside Story” seems like one of those thin Saturday Night Live sketches they only air after the second musical performance. It sounds like-
In 1967, Birdman debuted on Saturday morning TV. He was powered by the sun, written by confused idiots, and brought to life by even more confused foreign animators. As a nerd of some renown, I've seen over seven cartoons, and the original Birdman is without question my all-time ...
2020-07-15 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostMalibu Comics was a short-lived imprint in the 1990s that acted as a sort of comic book Drain Trap -- a stagnant place you could dump your worst ideas to keep them from rising up and poisoning the rest of the industry. If Marvel was the appealing picture of the Whopper on the Burger King menu, Malibu was th...
2020-07-14 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post"Rad, Dad, that's bad!" my 10-year-old grandson exclaimed. Those are the opening words to 1996's HOW TO BE A WAY COOL GRANDFATHER. Verne Steen had handed a homemade toy to his grandson, a child unable to tell the difference between his father and grandfather and screaming stilted s...
2020-07-13 15:01:02 +0000 UTC View PostI delve into troublesome YouTube channels like dwarves dig into the accursed earth. It’s not a matter of if my meddling will uncover a monster, but when, and how many subscribers the Balrog will have. I’ve so utterly fucked the YT recommendation algorithm now that half ...
2020-07-10 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostSome time before The Secret but after Giving an Innocent Child's Blood to Aruk, sorcerers interested in personal growth used something called self-hypnosis. It's basically telling yourself what you want to hear -very hard- and hoping it comes true. People used it to bowl better, pick up disco chick...
2020-07-09 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostWhen I first moved out on my own, I was so poor I couldn’t afford both cable TV and Pabst. It was clear that cable had to go. Also food. Sometimes rent. I lived just a few blocks from my local Christian Broadcasting Network affiliate, so that was pretty much all I could get with the bunny ears. I spent ma...
2020-07-08 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIn 1979, the streets feared only one thing: author Sidney Filson. She wrote HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF & SURVIVE: from one woman to another which made all other books look like frivolous indulgences. This is 151 pages of kill-danger's-dick-with-car-keys Karate. When star scavengers are ...
2020-07-07 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostJack Horkheimer: Star Hustler was a PBS mini-show about amateur stargazing, and not an obscenely pornographic science fiction rock opera. Not until I finish writing it, anyway.
Greetings 1900HOTDOG,
My name is Topper Goodmeadow, and I have been the Assistant Content Strategist for all promotional material related to Tyson Dinosaur Fun Nuggets for the past ten years. When I answered the advertisement for this position, I was thrilled at the chance to bring all of my experienc...
2020-07-04 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post
The Most Important Sequence In Cinema History?
If asked to name the most important sequence in cinema history, most scholars fall back on the old standbys: That part in RoboCop where RoboCop shoots that guy in the penis. That part in The Killer where Chow Yun-Fat shoots that guy in the penis. That part in Sin City where Bruce Willis shoots ...
2020-07-03 15:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostGood morning. I have come to you today with a simple task, unadorned by superfluous arguments and tangential frivolity. I aim to prove the following: In the 1985 movie, The Dirt Bike Kid, director Hoite Caston did knowingly and with malice aforethought commit to film a two-minute long sequence of a...
2020-07-02 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
