For this Nerding Day, I was looking through one of many books on Rubik's Cube solutions I own. They have their own notation and terminology, complicated 3D matrices, and as I've told myself several times before, they exist in a weird gray area where they're too absurd to exist but too boring to be funny. Ru...
2020-07-01 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostEver since our first Teamworking Day, I have been a haunted man. I have not been whole. Some portion of my thoughts have always been with this hunk of aged beef:
Fart Pants is no name for a grandmother, and listen: most baby turtles die knowing only the unforgiving talons of sea b...
2020-06-29 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post2:38AM
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling hollow and hungry. My stomach rumbled, so I went to the kitchen to pour some disciplinary bourbon. Fuckin’ stomach will think twice before pulling this crap again. I flicked on the kitchen light and was brought up short by...
2020-06-26 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostThe book How to Date a White Woman - A Practical Guide for Asian Men (2002) is a thoughtful, clinically racist...
2020-06-25 15:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostDatabase was a 1984 series about the fascinating world of computers years before computers were anything like fascinating, and decades before you could pay anybody to give a shit. It ran on Thames Television, which as near as I can tell was like British Public Access, but with marginally less full ...
2020-06-24 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostFrom the shattered remains of an era where narrative arcs were punches and punches were men! Ladies, your loins are medically unprepared for Man Comics! MAN COMICS! MAN COMICS!!!
Amazing-Man didn’t show up to his own comic until Amazing-Man Comics #5, but don’t worry – you didn’t miss anything. They just started with #5 because they wanted to set a precedent: Amazing-Man makes no sense, he takes no shit, and he gives no fucks. It’s not always...
2020-06-20 15:01:03 +0000 UTC View PostThere are few books more despicable than the one I'm showing you today. I have a wall of books on how to murder men with knives, raise children like Bill Cosby, and electro shock the gay out of your son, but none of them approach the pure piece-of-shittedness of Cheaters Always Prosper - 50 Ways to Beat...
2020-06-19 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostIn the 1970s people realized, for the very first time, that you could fuck in a van. It changed the world. I know it’s hard to believe now, but there were a few years in human history where people saw somebody getting railed in the back of an Econoline and assumed it was consensual. There was even a film ...
2020-06-18 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostThe idea of a man climbing a construction site to rescue a woman from a gorilla seems like it should be unique. Of all the video games in the world to copy, no game lends itself better to being MADLibbed into something new. An unethical game designer looking to make a ripoff Donkey Kong ...
2020-06-17 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostHe-Man and the Masters of the Universe was a cartoon about a useless dipshit with a terrible haircut...
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2020-06-16 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostYou're in for a great Learning Day, hot dog gang! Because we're going to learn about all the types of trains and how they work! Nothing will go wrong! How could it?
Some of you didn’t grow up thinking your neighbors were secret anti-Christians planning to chop off your head in the town square, and it shows.
I 100% believed that as a child, mostly because of a “technically-fiction-but-it’s-totally going-to-happen” movie series I was made to watch in church. It takes place in Des Moines, Iowa and includes this depiction of a woman being le...
2020-06-12 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
Sometimes you can try to be too many things for too many people, and I'm of course talking about Carmen Electra's Naked Women's Wrestling League.
Naked ladies plus pro wrestling is a 12-ye...
2020-06-11 15:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostThe book is called THE 100 DEADLIEST KARATE MOVES, and it's barely more than your lowest expectations. There are no tips on how to set these moves up, how to do them most effectively, or which states consider them "not murder." It's a list of common karate attacks and locations on a human body it w...
2020-06-09 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostHi, 1-900-Hotdoggers! Let's open this fire safety book called "Children Are No Match For Fire" and see how ridicu-- oh no. No, no, no, no, this can't be right.
Like most people, I studiously read every webpage I see, knowing that if a person - a craftsman - spent time assembling it, that it must be worth reading. All content must be respected uniformly, lest we descend into... something. Something downhill, I guess. Anarchy? Shark week? It’s hard to say...
2020-06-03 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostMost survival guides are written by the insane or people so much more awesome than the reader their expectations are insane. For instance, I have two books that swear the best way to jump out of a 5th floor window is to do half a front flip and aim for a dumpster. I have 700 books that swear poki...
2020-06-01 15:01:03 +0000 UTC View PostWelcome to the second installment of my bold experimental take on Darktown Strutters, a movie. Just like the first installment, we will not be talking about the movie.
It still counts as a bold experiment even if it’s designed for failure.
Parts of Darktown Strutters 2020-05-29 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
I'm going to tell you the same thing I should tell you at the start of every article: you are about to have a huge penis. That's the whole intro, let's read EXERCISING THE PENIS.
Darktown Strutters is... I hesitate to even call it a movie, since that seems so reductive of the experience, but if I must define it somehow, I suppose that word is as inadequate as any other. Here are more words that wither and die in the presence of Darktown Strutters: It’s billed as ...
2020-05-27 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostAs a tastemaking 1-900-HOTDOG reader, you already know most of our articles are about artifacts covered in the spectacular wrongness of some dark otherworld. Today is different. This Punching Day I'm talking about a single fight from the sequel to a knockoff movie that achieves spectacle through mediocrity ...
2020-05-26 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostWikiHow is a resource site for people so utterly lost in life that they don’t even know how to ask for directions anymore. It’s full of wildly unhelpful guides for basic things like ‘how to speak without vomiting on your own shirt’ and ‘how to park a bicycle.’ It is a site that tells people the ...
2020-05-25 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostWelcome all to this, our monthly day of reflection. It is the only day where contemplation of the self is allowed, and also absolutely mandatory. Please begin having personal epiphanies immediately or you will be registered, detained, branded, shipped away for reeducation and processed into reeducated meat ...
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