If there’s one group you never want to make an instructional video for, it’s the cool kids. I know all you want to do is teach 4th Graders what a nollie is, or help Somebody’s Aunt learn to rap about her joint pain, but the cool kids will find you. They’ll tear you apart. They’ll start a whole hot...
2020-04-13 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostVideo games have been dominated by the male gaze since their inception. Back in the '90s, when our pixel technology finally caught up to our ass technology, every female video game character had to have a supermove that pointed a butt at you. Brockway has been playing games since he was a kid and he’s see...
2020-04-12 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIf you don't understand or accept your gay son, you're probably not used to good news, but I have some: there's a book called HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR GAY SON (Even if you're not sure you can). It's the perfect guide for someone absolutely repulsed by basic human decency, but also willing ...
2020-04-10 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostOn the path to fame you will take many small steps. Long before you puke pure cocaine onto your own star on Hollywood Boulevard, you will celebrate minor milestones that feel revelatory at the time: The day a fanpage is founded, your own Wikipedia entry, the first time you get recognized when you really wis...
2020-04-09 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostOver the decades, the character of Captain America has been imagined nearly five different ways-- werewolf, regular, one-armed unfrozen teen, and secret Nazi. It is with great honor I add "man with realistic limitations and personality disorders" to the pantheon of Captain America adaptations with this fun-...
2020-04-08 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostI enjoy fighting, but I do not enjoy being fought. Ideally, I would like to attack people from inside the safety of a heavily guarded pillow fort. Where is the martial art for me, the extremely dishonorable vicious coward?
I’ve finally found it:
Ear candling is precisely, exactly what it sounds like without any caveats. It's an activity a three-year-old would invent if you asked them to draw "ear candling." I still feel like I have to say it, though: it's the ancient science of sticking a candle in someone's ear. How can you do it yourse...
2020-04-06 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostYou know what ASMR is: softcore porn for audiophile Quakers. “It’s not sexual,” every ASMR fan tells you, even as they moan at your lip smacking and shirt crinkles. I don’t blame you for trying to pull this con, ear-freaks -- I once tried to convince my boss that anime was about more than just panti...
2020-04-03 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostLike all sex books, 269 Amazing Sex Games has to make some pretty wild guesses where your kink zone starts and ends. It has no idea if you're shy grandparents or dicks-in-every-hand exhibitionists, so it assumes you're both. It was written by Hugh de Beer, an erotic board game designer, which you wouldn't k...
2020-04-02 15:01:02 +0000 UTC View PostIt seems like the internet has always been a part of our life: Our untrustworthy informant, our shameful lover, the rancid meat way in the back of our soul, neglected and slowly turning monstrous. But there was a time when this whole ‘Cyber Web’ thing was new and frightening, instead of just frightening...
2020-04-01 15:04:40 +0000 UTC View PostChaz Wilson combined dance with fighting in a way deadlier and sexier than it sounds. His fluid, powerful movements dazzle enemies then dazzle them several more times: leg lift, elbow move, buttock flex! Congratulations, reader, you're already at least a pink belt in Martial Dance: t...
2020-03-31 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostThe 1970s were worried about a lot of things: smog, the fragile afro integrity of the average white man, that this cocaine high might not last forever no matter how true it sounds when you scream it -- but mostly it was aliens. Back in the ‘70s, aliens weren’t a fun concept to explore in fiction: They w...
2020-03-30 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIt has been an entire month since you switched your diet to 100% Hot Dog. Your toilet is in ruins, you have to wear prescription pants, and your gut bacteria have just invented language solely so they have a word for “apocalypse.” But your soul? Your soul is finally free.
Over the last four ...
2020-03-28 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostArt is subjective and fluid. It's transformed by intent, viewer, and hindsight. So when someone says, "That's the worst art ever made," even if they're right, it won't be true for you or when put into any other context. Until 2012. In 2012 a vast, well-funded undertaking produced the worst piece of art ever...
2020-03-27 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostBe calm. Maintain your vigil. Show no signs of external panic, or your life is forfeit. Be very still and give no sign that you have read this:
You are currently surrounded by boners.
Boners are everywhere -- tucked into every corner, lurking in every shadow. Every single man whose c...
2020-03-26 15:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostIn 1994, EA published Shaq Fu, a terrible fighting game about Shaquille O'Neal traveling to another dimension to rescue a boy from a kung fu mummy. It's, to this day, the most bad ideas anyone ever had at once without dying. It's absurd, but a dark, clinical type of absurd like a birthday clown who...
2020-03-25 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostThere was a magical time in the 1980s where television executives knew two things, and two things only: “Cartoons” and “sex monstering.” Everything and everyone got a cartoon adaptation. There were so many cartoon adaptations that studios in no way had time to read a brief summary of what the origin...
2020-03-24 15:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostYou've seen them everywhere: adult psychics. They bend our local spoons and hide messages in our worst cookies. But how did they get here? Can anything stop them? Let's answer your first question first: In 1988, Litany Burn wrote a book called Develop Your Child's Psychic Abilities. It was so effec...
2020-03-23 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostNot every Upsetting Day will be about accursed children’s books, but a lot of them will be, since nobody hates the playful innocence of the young like the people who write books for them. In descending order, here are the top three creatures who are most harmed by the pure giggle of a toddler:
3.) V...
2020-03-20 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostDuring my distinguished career at Cracked.com, I wrote several articles questioning the romantic competence of Gregory J.P. Godek. He is responsible for the best-selling 1,001 Ways to Be Romantic featuring tips like "buy her a pizza with her choice of toppings" and "hire a local youngster ...
2020-03-19 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostSean has promised me that this won’t be one of our public columns, so I feel safe admitting this only to you, our loyal patrons: I have always wanted to be a magical girl.
I want to spin around as pop music plays, yelling random entries from a bootleg thesaurus while spotlight...
2020-03-18 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View PostTechnically, by editorial mandate, arcade games fall under the umbrella of NERDING DAY. But you know who never starts their sentences with "technically?" A goddamn hot dog. "Technically" is a word for carrot cakes and tomatoes. And today we are speaking from our beefy loins about no ordinary arcade game. Th...
2020-03-17 15:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostI remember the first time I truly understood that there is injustice in this world. It was when I learned about fingerboarding.
Doris Sanford wrote illustrated children's books for every conceivable trauma a child might go through. She wrote a book on being a loser, one about making friends with the Japanese soldiers guarding you in a prison camp ,and one on the struggles of getting rubbed with chicken in a Satanic pre-school. Ha ha...
2020-03-13 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostWhen I plugged the synopsis of Kemono Michi: Rise Up into the Weiner 2600 -- the machine that decides which aspect of Hot Dog our content represents -- the damn thing told me to schedule it for Fucking Day. And I just don’t understand: Kemono Michi is supposed to be an anime about a Japa...
2020-03-12 15:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIn 2002, three years on the heels of Star Wars prequel mania, nutty cutup John Byrne released Star Roars: The Outer Space Joke Book. It’s riddles and desperate Star Wars puns along with some generic astronomy and robot stuff, but it's mainly adapted from the day he watch...
2020-03-11 15:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostThe Double Dragon series left an indelible impression on me as a child, mostly because this is the opening scene.
In the late '90s, adults collected stuffed toys so hard. If you're under the age of 30, know that collectors inflated t...
2020-03-09 14:02:00 +0000 UTC View PostWhen our generous, wise, only slightly acidic sponsors over at PoxCo (Spread the Pox!™) first assigned me the fanfiction beat, I immediately tried to commit ritual suicide. The knife penetrated, I saw the blood, felt the pain, but there was no sweet release of death. The wounds sealed shut before my very ...
2020-03-06 15:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
2020-03-15 15:00:04 +0000 UTC
