ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Parmesan Star Bread with Roasted Garlic, Green Herbs, and Bacon, AKA "Fred the Bread"

Okay, I have to admit, I'm pretty fucking chuffed about this one. And PROUD OF MYSELF.

Bastian found the original recipe on Alexa, presumably while attempting to get her to forget all music that isn't Star Wars music. I took one look at the architecture on that dough, KNEW there was laminating involved, and immediately said "I am not making that."

But B begged and pleaded and frankly, that kid does not eat a lot of different types of food so being eager to try anything new is not to be scoffed at. They said "look there's a video, you can learn!" which...well, fuck off, Tiny, what are you playing at? Trying to encourage me to develop new skills and self-confidence like I do to you...

So I looked at the video. And honestly, it did not actually look that hard, or beyond my admittedly abyssmal skill level when it comes to fancy-looking baked goods. Oh, I can make things tasty, no problem. But I do frosting like a monkey having a panic attack, and I am no better at en-gorgeous-ifying dough than I ever was at Play-Dough, which is not at all.

SO COME ON LOOK AT THAT BEAST UP THERE! HE LOOKS SO PERFECT!

And yes, it apparently DOES identify as he/him, because B insisted on calling this "Fred the Bread" and frankly, when you hear comedic perfection, you do not alter it.

Fred it is.

You do alter recipes, though, if you are me, because you just fucking CANNOT do what you're told. YOU DON'T KNOW ME, FOOD52 RECIPE! (But here's the original if you don't want any of my additions, which...you know you do.)

Now, given how easy this turned out to be, I started thinking of other flavors almost immediately. My plan for Christmas morning is to make one with marmalade (B has suddenly discovered they LOVE marmalade...and no other jam. (Yes, they are getting a set of Paddington books for Xmas) and Danish-style sweet cream cheese filling, maybe with a dash of cardamom. (I'll post an addendum with the variation, don't worry. But generally speaking, I would add a tablespoon of sugar to the dough to turn this into a sweet bread instead of savory, and top with turbinado sugar instead of garlic salt...obviously.) You could literally fill Fred with anything and he would be delicious. I suspect it would even make a fabulous quickie calzone. The points of the star pull away easily and...well.

Fred did not last the night.

Let's go on a journey together! A journey into tricking your friends into thinking you're ready for the Great British Bake-Off when you absolutely are not!

     Ingredients

• 3/4 cup + 3 tablespoons lukewarm whole milk

• 2 cups all-purpose flour (you'll also need some for the cutting board)

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened

• 2 teaspoons instant yeast (or 2 1/4 teaspoons active dry yeast)

• 1/4 teaspoon sugar

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 cup potato flour OR cornstarch

• 1 egg, beaten

  Filling

• 4 slices bacon, crispy but not over done

• 1 whole head of garlic

• 1-2 tablespoons olive oil

• 1.5 tablespoons fresh rosemary, chopped fine

• 1/2 + 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

• 1 tablespoon fresh thyme

• 1 teaspoon dried tarragon

• 1/4 teaspoon chili or chipotle powder

• fresh ground pepper to taste

• 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt

• 1/2 cup butter, softened

• 1/4 teaspoon salt

  Right, said Fred...

  Before you do anything else, slice the pointy bit off the top of your head of garlic, place it on a baking tray, pour olive oil over the top, and bake at 425 for about 30 minutes, up to 45 depending on how phat your garlic head is, You want it brown and squishy but never burned. You can do the rest while it roasts and cools.

  Next, bloom the yeast. That means add the yeast to a separate bowl with the 3 tablespoons of lukewarm water and a dash of sugar to feed the yeasties, then wait ten minutes before adding it to the rest of the proto-dough. All the dough ingredients, plus the milky yeast mixture, go into a stand mixer affixed with the dough hook attachment. Mix at medium high until a smooth ball of dough forms. Remove ball to a floured cutting board and knead until smooth, stretchy, and unsticky.

  Place dough ball in a greased bowl, wrap in saran wrap or drape a towel over it, and let it rise for about an hour. (Note: it's winter and I live in Maine. Over the years I've found that not too many places in my house are really warm enough to get a proper rise, and I don't have a fancy proofing vestibule or whatever like the fancy TV people, so I put the bowl about a foot and a half to two feet from a space heater or the fireplace to get the reactions going.)

  The rise time gives you a chance to cook your bacon, chop your herbs, grate your cheese and soften your butter. Once your roasted garlic is done and cooled enough to handle with your fingers, squoosh the whole thing like a tube of VERY WEIRD toothpaste into a bowl. Add the butter, herbs, and crumble in the bacon, then mix together until they form a paste. Set aside. Prepare a baking tray (I used a pizza tray, which made th ebottom crust extra flaky) by lining it with parchment paper.

  Once the dough is done, divide equally into four pieces on your floured work surface. (I use a pizza cutter for this.) Take one quarter and roll out to a 10 inch circle. Carefully lay the circle on your be-parchmented baking tray.

  Spread 1/4 of the filling mixture onto the dough, leaving about an inch at the edges. Sprinkle with 1/4 of the parmesan cheese. Repeat with the next dough-quarter, lay the rolled-out circle on top of the previous layer, then repeat the process with the filling mixture and cheese. Do this again with the third circle of dough, then top with the fourth (nothing on top of the last one yet).

  The edge of your sloppy dough pile will be all rough and uneven, so gently (again a pizza cutter is great) cut around the perimeter to get an even circle. (If you are VERY fancy, you could roll out the scraps and use a cookie cutter or dough cutter to make a pretty shape to lay on the middle. I have an autumn leaf dough cutter I will 100% use next time.)

  NOW COMES THE HARD PART ONLY NOT REALLY.

  Here is a video of this whole process to make it easier to visualize.

  Get a small cup, about 2 inches in diameter. Without breaking the surface of the dough, press it gently into the center of the bread and remove. Now, carefully cut the dough-stack into sixteen slices, but don't cut past the mark left by the cup.

  Take any two slices and gently lift them, then twist them away from each other 3-4 times. Join the edges at the bottom by simply smooshing the dough together--the butter will seal it. Repeat all the way around the circle.

  Now brush Fred all over with the beaten egg, sprinkle a bit more garlic salt over the top (or a bit more parmesan if you like), and bake at 400 for about 30-35 minutes depending on your oven. If you look at the original recipe I was riffing off of, it wants you to somehow believe 15 minutes is enough for this chonky beast and it is PURE LIES. I ended up clocking in at 33 minutes and wish I'd left it in just slightly longer, so for my oven 35 would be fine. Start checking for golden brown done-ness around 30. you want to be able to rap your knuckles on the top and get a satisfying thick sound.

  Let Fred cool off on a separate dish for 10-15 minutes before burning your hands ripping him apart.

  DEVOUR FRED MERCILESSLY.