The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 6

The joust had completed, but the Tourney wasn’t over yet: the Melee and the magecraft competition would take place the next day. But, that evening, a special event was taking place. One that had fireworks going off already between Kazuma and Claire. 

“Oh come on, what’s the big deal? If she wants to enter the contest, she should be able to enter the contest!” 

“Because her Highness is ABOVE such petty little displays, Master Kazuma, and I will NOT have her competing with the plebeians for carnival prizes!” 

“Oh get off that high horse, Suit! She’s what, ten!? Kids at that age LOVE carnival prizes! Or have you never taken her to a school festival?!”

“You think her Highness so common she would attend something as pedestrian as a school!?”

“That’s it! WIZ! Add a goldfish and a giant stuffed teddy bear to the prize list!” 

“Her Highness is not- Did you say Wiz?”

Claire blinked, as Wiz bustled over, looking concerned. “Kazuma, is there a problem? The contest is open to all who pay the entry fee…though I do have the most adorable stuffed bear!”

“...and how is it cursed?” Kazuma asked, groaning.

“It’s not cursed! It, um, it just…er…well…it’s sort of modeled on a One Punch Bear…so it also doubles as a sparring dummy, and um…tries to murder you at random intervals. B-but it’s a stuffed bear! So, ah, it’s blows are not very strong.” 

“Uh huh. Maybe not the bear then,” Kazuma said, turning back to Claire, who had gone white in the face. “Cat got your tongue, Suit?” 

“Are you…are you really The Wiz?” Claire asked, sounding a bit breathless. 

“Well, she’s not an all black production of the Wizard of Oz, so probably not,” Chris said brightly, appearing out of nowhere. 

Kazuma gave Chris an odd look. How the hell did she know about the Wizard of Oz? But…all black production? Ozu no Mahōtsukai was in color. Though he did remember something about a live-action movie that was black and white? He hadn’t seen it, though. 

“Um, I am Wiz, owner of Wiz’s Shop and Sundries, and sponsor of the Crimson Concert of Desolation and Destruction. How can I help you Miss…?” 

“Lady Claire Symphonia, of House Symphonia. It is an honor to meet you, Ice Witch,” Claire said with a formal bow. She cocked her head to one side. “You…truly are sponsoring this competition?”

“Oh yes! I’m even acting as head judge! We’ve had so many wonderful people sign up, and a number of visitors have even purchased some of our wares!” Wiz said eagerly. Then she blushed. “Though, um, I don’t go by Ice Witch anymore. I’m retired.”

“Of course, though we do remember your lone assault on the Devil King’s castle. An incredible feat,” Claire said fervently. 

Wiz colored slightly, and Kazuma eyed her sideways. Lone assault on the Devil King’s castle? She was one of his generals. Though come to think of it, he’d never really learned how a sweet thing like Wiz had become a general of the Devil King. Then again, Vanir was one too, so the bar couldn’t be that high.

“Well, I suppose if the Ice Witch herself is the one who organized this and is acting as judge…” Claire sighed. “Then I will tentatively agree to-”

Vibrating with excitement, Iris skidded up, still ‘incognito’ and beaming happily. “Claire! Cousin Tina signed me up for the competition! This will be nearly as much fun as the melee! Do you think I shall be able to triumph!?” 

“Of course,” Claire said, blushing and giving Iris a hug. “You are by far the strongest here.”

Kazuma smirked at Claire. She clearly hadn’t heard about Miss Chunni Boom Booms. “Well, just so you know, there are a couple of Crimson Demons that have entered, so I wouldn’t bet too much that you’re the most destructive maniac here.”

“Kazuma!” Claire snarled, nostrils flaring. “Are you implying-”

“Oh, it’s fine Claire. Crimson Demons are quite strong! But I am certain I can be even MORE destructive than they can!” Iris said, an all too familiar manic gleam entering her eyes as she caressed the hilt of a sword she’d brought out. Wait, hold on….

“That’s…that’s not Saber’s sword, is it?” Kazuma asked, feeling a bit dizzy. 

“Oh yes!” Iris said, and pulled the sword out. “It’s my very great-grandmother Artoria Blazing Saber Belzerg’s legendary blade, Caliber! I was gifted it upon my birth, but this shall be its first proper showing!” 

“Uh, you don’t happen to know Unlimited Blade Works, do you?” Kazuma asked faintly.

Iris looked crestfallen, and wilted slightly. “No, not yet. I’m still working very hard to master it, though!” 

“I’m sure you will, Highness,” Claire said, patting Iris reassuringly on the back. “Your grandmother is said not to have mastered it until she was 16. Just keep practicing and investing skill points.”

“I will! But I have mastered Sacred Explode, so I’m certain that will suffice for today! You will be rooting for me, won’t you, Master Kazuma?” Iris asked, turning and giving Kazuma a pleading look.

He coughed. “Um, sorry, my money’s on a party member of mine. But I figure you’re a shoo-in for second.”

“Oh really? And how much are you betting?” Claire said, a dangerous gleam in her eyes. 

Wait, was she…?

“Minimum bet of 100,000 eris,” Chris said instantly, producing a pair of glasses, a notebook, and a ballpoint pen of all things. “Can I put you down? Current odds are 5-1 in favor of the Belzerg.” 

“Yes,” Claire said, handing over a sack of coins, which Chris vanished somewhere. “I believe Master Kazuma will owe me a great-”

“Claire! Gambling!? In front of Iris!?” Rain demanded, stomping over. “How could you?!”

“I…I was betting on her! To show my support!” Claire stammered, turning bright red. 

“Hmph. We’re having a discussion about the evils of vices, especially in front of our charge!” Rain said. Then paused. “Wait…are people betting against her? Do they, um, know…?”

“Oh, they do, and they are. Can I put you down for one?” Chris asked seriously.

Rain bit her lip, and glanced at Iris, who looked rather intrigued. Hastily, she shook her head. “No! Of course not. I…that is how my house fell into ruin once, and I will not repeat the same mistake!” 

“But Rain, I’m going to win!” Iris protested. 

“That is for the gods to decide,” Rain said firmly. “And not filthy lucre. Come along, it will be starting soon.”

Iris and her two retainers headed to the competitor area, and Kazuma turned to Chris. “How many suckers so far?”

“Over a hundred. And yes, I’m cutting you in on the action, Kazuma. Ten percent.” 

“Ten percent!? That’s…wait. They all bet 100k?”

“Oh no,” Chris grinned and held up her book. “Some bet a lot more than that! You want to go take bets? Make sure you mention one’s a Belzerg, and don’t let anyone bet more than 10k on Megumin. It’s all locals so it’s not like they can afford a higher bet, but we’ll spread the wealth a little.”

“Do people really think a cute little thing like Iris can take on a Crimson Demon who specializes in Explosion Magic?” Kazuma said with a snort.

Chris hesitated, then said. “Uh, I do have an exit strategy planned, FYI. Because um, well…I’m only about 80% certain Megumin wins this one.”

“You have got to be kidding me. I’ve seen other people cast Explosion, mostly Wiz, and hers wasn’t even close to Megumin’s! If Wiz gets an A, then Megumin’s is SSS Tier!” 

Chris winced, and Kazuma moaned as overly dramatic laughter sounded behind him. 

“MWAHAHAHA! I knew you to be a true connoisseur of Explosion Magic, Kazuma!”  Megumin declared, smacking Kazuma heartily on the back. Unfortunately, that bowled him over. Just how many levels had the little maniac been getting!?

“Well, if your Explosion is half as powerful as your hello, you’ve got this one in the bag,” Kazuma muttered as an embarrassed Megumin helped him back to his feet. 

To his surprise, she looked somber and put both hands on Kazuma’s shoulders, though she had to stand on tiptoe to do it. “Kazuma, I must thank you. I thought this contest simply a way to show off my incredible skills. Instead, you have managed to find me a worthy opponent, one who will truly make me earn the title of Pinnacle of Destruction.”

“What, is Wiz competing?” Kazuma asked, frowning over at the lich, who was happily signing up more people as Vanir, dressed in his pink apron, hawked the useless wares to the out-of-towners, who seemed eager to get their hands on a magic item sold by the Ice Witch. Well, they said there was a sucker born every minute, but at this rate they’d fill that quota for a year. 

“What?” Megumin looked at Chris, obviously confused, and Chris sighed. 

“Kazuma, Megumin is going in against a Belzerg in a contest to see who can cause the most destruction in one blow. I don’t think you have any idea how utterly insane and overpowered that family is.”

“Uh, I did hear that Iris tried to adopt a dire alligator as a pet. When she was seven. And also wrestled it into submission.”

And also was apparently training to learn Unlimited Blade Works, which Kazuma had thought was just a meme.

“Let me put it this way, Kazuma,” Megumin said seriously. “There are many Crimson Demons in that bloodline. Iris’s great-grandfather was Renge Kyōkazan, who was renowned for his mastery of fire magic. He once vaporized an entire army with a single cast of Inferno.” 

Well yeah. The idiot was named Mad Flame Slash. 

Chris nodded. “It’s true they have Crimson Demon blood in them, but more importantly, they’re the rulers of the country that has been at war with the Devil King for 500 years. All the other kingdoms fell in that assault. But Belzerg didn’t. And it’s largely because of the fact that the kings and queens of Belzerg have, for 500 years, squared up against various generals and even the Devil King himself…and won.” 

“Iris’ mother died in battle…against Gorudoras the Undying,” Megumin added. “A 300-year-old Vampire Lord, who she fought in single combat and slew. Yes, she died of the Vampire’s curse, but no one else in that group managed to even touch Gorudoras, except for Lapida Dustiness Belzerg.”

“And that was Darkness’ Aunt?” Kazuma guessed, and the two girls nodded. “So, uh, when you say that family is overpowered…”

“When Iris says her many times great-grandmother is a Saber Face…she means the original,” Chris told him. “Not a copycat. And even at her tender young age, she’s already shaping up to be just as deadly as good old Artoria.” 

Kazuma suddenly frowned. “But wait, Saber couldn’t use Unlimited Blade works, that was-” 

“Uh, she definitely could,” Megumin said, eyeing Kazuma skeptically. “It’s why her family always names themselves after weapons. Anyway, a Daughter of the House of Belzerg is truly a worthy opponent! Our battle will be LEGENDARY!” 

With that, Megumin skipped off, humming, “Bakaretsu Bakaretsu La La La~!” to herself. 

Oh boy. 

“Well, I guess I’d better go take some bets,” Kazuma said, accepting a book from Chris. She turned to go, but he grabbed her and pulled her close. “And later, we’re talking about how the hell you know what a Saber face is. Or why you were calling Aqua ‘Senpai’ earlier. Because I’ve never heard a single person here call anyone  senpai.” 

“Looking forward to it!” Chris said cheerily, then slipped out of Kazuma’s grasp and started calling for bets on the contest. 

Kazuma managed to get a couple dozen suckers to sign up, though he also had Dust and a half a dozen others who bet on Megumin. Interestingly, there were a number of locals who bet against the Crimson Terrorist, including Keith. 

“You’re crazy, Dust. You know the saying: never go in against a Belzerg when violence is on the line,” Keith said, handing Kazuma his money as Kazuma wrote down a bet on Iris in his book, and handed Keith a slip. 

“Eh, I’ve seen what Belzergs can do, and I’ve seen what Megumin can do. Sure, on an open field fight, I’d bet it all on the Belzerg. But in a one off, one shot display of firepower? Megumin’s superior,” Dust said with a sage nod. 

“Well, that’s it,” Kazuma said, closing his book. “Contest is about to start. Come on.”

It was just after sunset when the contest kicked off. A few nobles from out of town and a handful of locals had also signed up. The first local was Taro Grimble, a local mage who was fairly high level for Axel: Level 32. He even knew Advanced Magic, and started off the proceedings by launching a rather respectable Meteor Swarm at the castle. 

“Ooo, very nice!” Wiz said, clapping excitedly. “I like it! Six points!”

“Your form was excellent, and that was a very well done spell, Rain agreed. “You’re clearly an above-average mage. I give you six points as well.”

“Eh, it’s not bad, but I’ve seen better, even from you, Taro. Five points, step it up.” Kazuma said with a shrug. He’d been wrangled into being the third judge at the last minute, along with Rain, who had happily agreed to be the out-of-towner representative. 

“Mwahaahah! The first contestant, a man who has stayed in the low level town due to his false dreams that he may woo the mistress of the establishment he frequents, despite the fact that she is interested in no mortal man, earns a paltry 17 points. Moi believes most were given out of pity,” Vanir said, writing down Taro’s score on the board. 

“H-Hey! That last bit was uncalled for!” Taro protested, blushing furiously. 

“Shoo, shoo! Make way for a proper contender. Thou were but an appetizer,” Vanir said, and pushed Taro to the side. “Next, we have Count Dietrich von Sturmkranz, a portly fellow who seeks to impress the ladies with his spells, but who is sure to be outshone by a few little girls!” 

“You may be trying to mock me, proprietor, but I, Count von Sturmkranz, am under no illusion that I may outperform a Belzerg or a Crimson Demon!” the man said, swirling his lightning bolt emblazoned cloak dramatically. “I merely seek to show my own prowess, even if I am getting long in the tooth! Now, witness the von Sturmkranz Bloodline Spell! CROWN OF THUNDER!” 

After a short chant, a massive halo of lightning crashed down on the castle, causing the crowd to applaud in respect, and Taro to look sour. 

“A wonderful display of bloodline magic, showing why the von Sturmkranz family is known as the Storm Sages! Seven points!” Wiz said, smiling at von Sturmkranz and making the old man tug at his mustache in delight. 

“Excellent form, but I’m going to have to break with Miss Wiz,” Rain said, shaking her head and frowning. “I’m afraid for a bloodline ability, that one is all flash, and much less damage. A traditional Call of Storms spell would have been much more suitable to this sort of contest. Five points.”

“Pff, I’ve seen more wattage from Komekko, and she’s six,” Kazuma said with a snort. “Four points, get out of here.”

“MWAHAHAHA! A most paltry sixteen points! My my, if this is your idea of a satisfying performance, moi thinks perhaps this is why your wife sleeps in another room now, Count!” Vanir chortled. 

“Knave! How DARE YOU!” von Sturmkranz blustered, but he was laughed down by the crowd, and slunk away in shame. 

Next up, a timid girl in a miniskirt, clutching her wand like a talisman, approached. She glanced over at Megumin, who gave her a big thumbs up, then sighed. Striking a dramatic pose, Yunyun bellowed, “MY NAME IS YUNYUN! SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY BE CHIEF OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN! BEHOLD, MY MASTERY OF SPELLCRAFT! LIGHT! OF! SABER!” 

Kazuma had seen Yunyun thrown around her signature spell before, but this time, she put more than a little extra into it, summoning a bolt of plasma the size of a house, before hurling it right at the old castle. The clap of the detonation made Kazuma glad he had balls of wax in his ears, and by the time he blinked away the spots, he could still see bits of molten rock raining down from the impact site. 

“Finally!” Rain said, standing and applauding. “Some REAL magic! This is truly a display of why the Crimson Demon clan has earned their fearsome reputation over and over again! Ten points!” 

“I have not seen such a potent Light of Saber since I fought alongside your father 15 years ago! Ten points, Yunyun!” Wiz cheered. 

“Damn, I think they felt that one back in Axel. Ten points,” Kazuma said, giving Yunyun a thumbs up.

“Hmph. Moi supposes thou must make up for thy shrinking personality with superior firepower,” Vanir grumbled, apparently even he couldn’t really find a way to mock Yunyun on that one.

Blushing mightily, Yunyun bowed repeatedly to the judges with her 30 point card, then scurried away as the crowd clapped and cheered for her. 

“Well damn,” Megumi the Mage said, adjusting her sunglasses as she stepped up. “That’s a heck of an act to follow. Oh well…INFERNO!” 

Megumi ended up with a wimpy 15 points, but she shrugged it off. There were a few more nobles and mages, but the closest anyone came was a nobleman with a Bloodline spell called the Noisy Cricket. It sounded like a joke, but it unleashed a massive wave of sonic energy that obliterated two sections of castle wall, earning him 26 points. Kazuma gave him a ten just for the Men in Black reference, while Wiz and Rain gave him eight each.

Then, Iris stepped up. She was no longer wearing a dress and was instead clad in a miniskirt of sturdy fabric, with a breastplate, greaves, and gauntlets forged of mithril. She was holding Excalibur, her hair drawn back in a warrior’s braid, with two smaller braids at the side. The crowd hushed, and Kazuma saw several people duck for cover. 

“Uh, are we far enough away?” Kazuma whispered to Rain.

“Don’t worry, I’ll cast Crystal Barrier,” Rain told him. “We should be fine.”

Uh oh. 

Iris took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Then, they snapped open, and Kazuma saw that they were glowing with a blue fury, a crazed grin on her lips. She ran forward, lept into the air, and swung her sword as she yelled, “SACRED EXPLODE!” 

A sword the size of a school bus formed of glowing golden light formed out of the arc of her swing, and barreled towards the ruined castle. When it hit, it detonated with so much force that Rain’s barrier shattered, sending Kazuma and the other judges sprawling. When Kazuma looked up in a daze, a small mushroom cloud had formed, and the night sky was lit up by the burning crater that had annihilated much of the stone structure. 

“Holy…holy shit,” Kazuma gasped, groaning as he stood up. “That was…well fuck.” 

“Hehe! Master Kazuma, you should not have such foul language. But I appreciate the compliment,” Iris said, bobbing a curtsy to him. 

“Uh yeah. Um, I dunno. Fifteen points?” Kazuma said, looking to the other judges. 

Rain coughed, but stood and hurried over to hug Iris. “I would take marks off for your lack of restraint, but that was most impressive. I agree with Master Kazuma’s sentiments, if not his method of conveying them. Fifteen points, Iris.”

“A wonderful showing of why the Belzerg family has ruled this land so well for so many years! I award 15 points!” Wiz said. She was the only one who hadn’t been knocked off her feet by the blast among the judges. Judging by the crowd, Claire and Darkness were the only ones there who weren’t picking themselves up off the ground either. Sheesh. Darkness had been right: Claire’s job really was to protect the rest of the world from Iris. Not the other way around. 

“Ha ha, pay up, Sato!” Keith called, hurrying over. 

“Oh no. It ain’t over yet. Uh, Darkness, would you come over here a minute?” Kazuma called.

Darkness hurried over, and Kazuma promptly hid behind her. “Perfect. Rain, come here: we’re going to use this wall of muscles as our shield.”

“K-Kazuma!” Darkness protested, even as Megumin dusted herself off, raised her staff, and approached the judging area. 

“No color commentary for the Princess?” Megumin said to Vanir, who was grimacing and dusting himself off. 

“Moi only has words for those with self-doubt and inadequacy on their minds. Additionally, moi has no desire to lose another life on this day.”

“Smart,” Megumin said, then spun about, clutching her hat to her head, as a dramatic wind began to blow. “BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO IS MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC! NOW, BEHOLD! THE MIGHTIEST SPELL KNOWN TO CREATION!” 

A few of the nobles scoffed, and Kazuma heard them mutter about “red-eyed devils getting above themselves.”

“Claire,” Darkness called. “Bring Iris here immediately! Devastation protocol!” 

On hearing that, Claire went pale, then physically picked up Iris and hauled her behind Darkness, who had planted both feet and was bracing herself. Rain scurried over and erected a Crystal barrier in front of Darkness, her eyes squeezed shut and she sheltered herself. 

“Aren’t they overdoing it?” a clueless noble asked. 

Then Wiz cried, “WALL OF HODIR!” and a great icy palisade was erected around the audience. 

Over it all, Kazuma heard Megumin’s chant. It was a new one. And eerily familiar at the same time. 

I am the bomb of my spell.

Magic is my body, and destruction is my blood.

I have cast over a thousand blasts.

Unknown to rest, nor known to restraint.

I have withstood pain to craft a single spell.

Yet these hands will never know another.

So as I pray—

UNLEASH... EXPLOSION!

Kazuma didn’t see the direct blast. He had his eyes squeezed shut as he hugged Iris close and clung to Darkness, Claire draping herself over the back of Iris protectively. He didn’t hear it either. It was more of a full body experience. The blinding white flash and incredible roar so overloaded his senses that Kazuma was knocked unconscious. The only thing he felt was Darkness’ strong arms about him, before everything went black. 

When Kazuma came to, Wiz’s ice wall had been obliterated. As far as Beldia’s old lair went, there was no trace. The entire precipice where Belida’s castle had stood, nearly 200 meters tall and just as many wide, had vanished. There was a burning, smoking crater more than 500 meters wide. The forest for more than two kilometers in all directions had been completely flattened. It was also on fire. 

“Oh dear, oh dear,” Wiz said, wringing her hands at the spreading blaze. “How will we…?” 

“Don’t worry, I got this,” Aqua said, appearing with Chris at her side. She raised her hands and said, “Weather Control: Rain!” 

A downpour started, and Kazuma could hear the flames hiss as the rain flooded down. He groaned and looked up, seeing Darkness coming back with a limp form in her arms, Yunyun at her side. He staggered to his feet, hurrying over. “Is she…?”

“K-Kazuma,” Megumin rasped, her voice weak and reedy. 

“I…I’m here!” Kazuma said, taking Megumin’s hand. 

“I need…I need you…” Megumin swallowed, then her eyes shot open. “How many points was that!? Truly, that was my greatest Explosion yet! So please, out of 100 points, how many do you award?”

Kazuma looked around at the devastation, the flames that were being quenched by Aqua’s rainstorm, and laughed. “One hundred and twenty, Megumin. You get one hundred and twenty points.” 

“Wiz! Wiz, I demand to know how many points! You too, Miss Rain!” Megumin demanded, struggling to sit up in Darkness’ arms. 

“Um, well, I was using a ten-point scale for everyone else, except Iris of course. So, um…one hundred?” 

“I…yes. That does seem appropriate,” the very frazzled Rain agreed. Her bonnet was gone, and her blonde hair was matted and wet, though she looked rather out of it still.

Iris approached, and Megumin grinned at her. The princess, however, was somber. “Miss Megumin…”

Kazuma gulped, and stepped forward. “Uh, Iris, Highness, you see, Megumin she-”

“That was the most incredible thing I have ever seen!” Iris gushed, darting around Kazuma and seizing Megumin’s hands. “Truly, Cousin Tina has picked the most incredible party of Adventurers to accompany her! An Archpriestess who knows Weather Control and can raise the dead, a skilled and charming Adventurer in Kazuma, and the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!”

“Oh no,” Kazuma muttered as Iris gave Megumin a mana potion. The two girls walked off with Yunyun trailing behind, chattering excitedly. Claire hurried over and tried to put an umbrella over Iris, but it was tattered and bent from the blast. Not that Iris seemed to mind even slightly. 

“Indeed. Now there are two of them,” Darkness sighed. “I fear we may have awakened something in Iris…”

“Claire would kill us if she tried to learn Explosion…” Kazuma groaned, wiping rain from his face. 

“Oh, I’m not worried about that. I am worried that she will be mastering Unlimited Blade Works and unleashing it at every opportunity. Megumin would incorporate the chant for that into her spell,” Darkness sighed. 

“Uh, yeah. So, um, is your whole family…?” 

“Hmm?” Darkness asked, cocking her head to one side. 

“You know, scary, powerful, and completely insane?”

That made Darkness laugh. “I am afraid so. The Belzergian nobility is known far and wide for our…quirks. And, um, certain other…predilections.”

“So you’re not the only masochist.”

“Hnng! Kazuma, that is not…we do not discuss it in public!”

“Uh-huh. So, you enjoyed that, did you?” Kazuma asked, nodding to Darkness’ blackened and burned dress. “I bet you’re enjoying being half naked even more.”

With a gasp, Darkness looked down at herself, then went bright red and tried to cover herself. “I-I did not! Do not, um, I-”

“Oh, relax,” Kazuma said, taking off his cloak and throwing it over Darkness’ shoulders. “You were protecting me and Iris. Good job, by the way. I would have been toast if it wasn’t for you. I’m surprised no one died…”

“Oh, two people did,” Aqua said brightly, popping up beside them. “But I resurrected them! They said ‘totally worth it’ though. Not everyone gets to see such an incredible spell!” 

“Don’t say that too loudly, or Megumin will hear it!” Kazuma hissed. “Go make sure they don’t do anything too stupid!” 

Shrugging, Aqua skipped off through the mud. To Kazuma’s bafflement, a trail of frogs was following after her. Not the giant kind, but a collection of green bull frogs of normal size. 

“What is she, a Disney Princess?” Kazuma muttered. “Or are they just hungry?” 

“Kazuma…I think perhaps we have much to discuss…” Darkness said.

Sighing, Kazuma nodded. “Come on, let’s find some shelter…”

They found a sheltered thicket behind a cliff where the trees hadn’t caught on fire or fallen down, and Kazuma and Darkness huddled together under the overhang. He’d taken Megumin here a few times to let her recover from her Explosion if he didn’t feel like carrying her the whole way. Darkness sat beside him, though they were both shivering from the rain, which hadn’t let up yet. 

“So, I already told you about me and Aqua,” Kazuma said, taking off his shirt and wringing it out. 

“Yes. I just…Kazuma, where do we go from here?” Darkness said, grimacing at her dress. She sighed and started to peel the tattered fabric off, making Kazuma’s eyes goggle. “What?”

“I just, uh, you um…” Kazuma trailed off, examining Darkness' body in the dim light. If he hadn’t had his Night Vision skill, he wouldn’t have been able to see a thing. “I can see you.”

“Yes, Kazuma, I am aware. Am I injured?” Darkness said, examining herself. “I cannot see so well, it is near pitch black.”

“Kindle,” Kazuma created a small flame, then found a dry stick and lit a small fire. He gave Darkness a thorough inspection, though she was near naked now. Not that she seemed overly flustered. “No, uh, you’re good.”

“Y-you seem, um, embarrassed, Kazuma. Do you not find…are my muscles so abhorrent?” Darkness said, looking crestfallen. 

“Dunno,” Kazuma said. “All my blood is rushing to my dick, and it’s so hard from seeing you mostly naked I can’t think straight.”

“T-that is a very crass way of putting it,” Darkness said, then pulled Kazuma close and kissed him, gently wrapping her arms about him. He enthusiastically returned it, reaching under her bra and pinching her nipple for good measure.

She groaned at that, her back arching slightly. “K-Kazuma…you make me wish…make me wish to do something…unwise.”

“It can’t be dumber than letting Megumin blow up the whole damn forest and nearly kill the Princess in the process,” Kazuma said. 

“F-first…we must talk,” Darkness said, though she didn’t pull away from Kazuma. Instead, they cuddled next to the fire, and Darkness was quiet for several minutes. 

“So, uh…this may be inappropriate…but I sort of feel like I’m locked into your route now,” Kazuma said awkwardly. 

“Hmm?” Darkness stirred from laying with her head on Kazuma’s shoulder to regard him. “What do you mean?”

“Well, uh, you know…I sort of feel like…I’m at the point of no return. You know, like, maybe I could have unlocked the Megumin Route, or the Yunyun Route, probably not the Aqua Route…but I’m, uh, I’m sort of on the Lalatina Route.”

“Only if you promise not to use that hideous name,” Darkness said, shivering against Kazuma. “Though you have an odd way of putting things. I suppose you mean to say you are setting aside wooing your other party members?”

“Uh, yeah, that. I mean…I’ve never asked a girl out before, so…you know.” Kazuma struggled to his feet, Darkness looking up at him in perplexity. Then he slammed the mossy stone above her head with his palm and leaned over her. “So, Darkness. You wanna go out some time, maybe do some perverted things together?” 

That made Darkness laugh, and she poked Kazuma in the chest. “Have we not already been doing rather risque things? We did share a bath. Is this how a man asks to court a woman in your lands?”

“Uh, yeah, sort of,” Kazuma said, feeling deeply embarrassed.

Darkness stood and kissed Kazuma, taking his hands in hers. “Yes. Though, that is what I wished to discuss. For you see…you will not only be ‘going out’ with Darkness the Crusader. But…ugh. Lalatina Ford Dustiness, Heir of House Dustiness.”

“I’m all for harem endings, but that’s just you twice,” Kazuma said, frowning slightly. 

“It is…and it is not. You see, Darkness the Crusader is a lackadaisical pervert who can indulge her fantasies and galavant about the countryside with nary a care in the world. But Tina the Ducal Heir…she has responsibilities. Duties. The weight of a House and the Kingdom upon her shoulders. And…and it would not be right for me to allow you to pursue me if you were not fully aware of the situation.”

Kazuma almost said something flippant, but paused. Darkness was being…well, not very Darkness at the moment. She seemed utterly serious about this, and while she could be a goof and a failure of a human being, she was also the most level headed and reasonable of his party, so it wasn’t insane that she was breaking kayfabe now to put on her noble lady persona. 

“OK. Well, with me, what you see is what you get. There isn’t a whole lot more going on with me.”

“Aside from having a goddess as a companion and being reincarnated from another land.”

“Uh, sure, aside from that. But, well, I get the impression there’s more to you here. So talk,” Kazuma said. 

Sighing, Darkness sat back down, and Kazuma seated himself next to her. 

“As I have said, I am heir to a noble house. Not just any noble house, but one of the preeminent houses of the land. My aunt, being the king’s wife and mother of the heir and Iris, is not a lone happenstance: My family has long been deeply tied to the Throne. And that means there are certain things my family is duty-bound to do. Primarily, to oversee much of the land of this nation and to defend it. Belzergian nobility are not worthless clotheshorses or landlords: We are the swords and shields of this nation, blessed by the gods with extraordinary powers. And we are expected to use them.”

“Right, that makes sense. Sort of like a daimyo and his samurai. Uh, that would be like…a count or something. I think I’ll need those etiquette classes to figure it out,” Kazuma admitted. 

“Correct. But, um, if you were to, ah…m-marry me, it would, well, it would mean certain responsibilities fall on you, Kazuma. You would gain titles and privileges yes, but those come with a heavy burden. You would be expected to help defend this nation from all threats at my side.”

“Wait, you mean, we get to be an Adventuring party forever?” Kazuma asked. “Not just retire to a cushy life!?”

“Not quite, a noble’s household does not merely work as day laborers accomplishing quests no one else can be bothered with. Instead, they take upon the deadliest dangers to safeguard their people. And Axel…well, Axel is known as the Town of Beginnings because it is the safest. Other places have much more dire threats.”

“There’s WORSE than the Destroyer, Beldia, Vanir, and Alderp’s Bishi son?!”

“Uh, actually, when you put it that way…perhaps Axel has not been so quiet in our time here. Regardless, much of our time would be spent either managing my family’s lands and adjudicating disputes, or out in the field slaying the deadliest of fiends.” 

Kazuma squinted at Darkness. “So, less time groping you and taking sexy baths together?”

“T-that would be, um, private recreational time. After our duties are attended to. Though, um, y-you would need to fulfill the, ah, m-most pressing duty of a Ducal Consort.”

“Knocking you up?” Kazuma guessed.

Darkness blushed, then squeaked out a, “Yes.”

“Hmm,” Kazuma rubbed his chin, then held up a finger. “What if we have tryouts?”

“I…pardon?” Darkness said, cocking her head to one side. 

“STEAL!” Kazuma cried, holding out both hands, and the last scraps of clothing Darkness had on, namely her bra and panties, appeared in his hands. 

This time, Darkness didn’t try to cover herself up. Instead, she reached out, and pulled Kazuma closer to her, breathing hard. “I…I see. Kazuma, d-do you truly understand…w-what I am saying? M-my father-”

“Isn’t here. I’ll convince him to like me, somehow.”

“I, ah!” Darkness moaned as Kazuma pinched and twisted her nipple, then gasped as he bit at her neck like a vampire. Though her skin was so tough he barely even left a mark. “K-Kazuma, I…oh. V-very well. It…it would be for the best…if you…”

Instead of saying anything further, she tugged off Kazuma’s underwear, which made him freeze. Wait, were they really doing this? Was this actually happening? He thought…well, he hadn’t really been thinking, but he’d sort of figured they’d just do some more heavy petting and-

Darkness put her hands on Kazuma’s member, and all thoughts vanished. He NEEDED her. Here was the sexiest woman he had ever seen, and she was lying back and pulling him atop her while they locked lips. 

The rain was still falling outside, and it was damp and muddy as they caressed one another, but Kazuma really didn’t care. He ground against Darkness, and she moaned again. “P-pull my hair,” she pleaded. “Force me-”

“Shut up,” Kazuma growled, and slapped Darkness across the boobs as hard as he could, making her gasp in delight. Then he did pull her hair, forcing her lips to his. When they broke, he gasped, “You’re nothing but my slut, you hear? You’re no duchess, you’re just my personal plaything!”

“Y-yes! Use me! Use me, K-Kazuma! Use me as-” Darkness gasped as Kazuma thrust forward. The sensation was overwhelming, and he moaned loudly. 

“You feel…he feel so fucking tight. You bitch. I…I love you,” Kazuma panted, and began to pump his hips.

“Kazuma! Kazuma, I love you!” Darkness agreed, bucking hard against him. Their bodies slapped together, and Kazuma grunted in time with the rhythm. 

Then, all of a sudden, it was over. A wave of pleasure shuddered through Kazuma as he ground against Darkness, and she moaned and shuddered herself. He blinked at her, red faced and panting, and she looked back, her forehead sweaty, her pupils wide. 

“I…I think…I think I just became a man,” Kazuma slurred. “Oh fuck.”

“You…you have ruined me forever, Kazuma,” Darkness said, then pulled him tightly to herself and kissed him. “More!” 

“I, um…” Kazuma could already feel himself deflating. “That’s um…that’s it.”

“What?” Darkness blinked at him. “That was…that was it?” 

A deep sense of shame washed over Kazuma. It probably hadn’t even been more than a couple of minutes at most since they had really started. Maybe not even that. Shit, was he a worthless heel, a one pump chump!? This wasn’t what was supposed to happen!”

“I, Darkness, I just, um-”

“Hush,” Darkness said, and kissed him again. “It was…it was wonderful. Not…not what I imagined, but…do people really make such a big deal about this? That was pleasurable, but…I had thought my mind would be swept away.”

Shit, shit, shit! Had she even come?! Was he so worthless as a lover!? 

“I, um, I could try-”

“No, we should get back,” Darkness said, standing up. She helped him to his feet, then started to dress. “It is late. And there will be much to do.”

“Um, i-it was good for me,” Kazuma stammered. 

Darkness smiled at him. Well, more grinned, really. “It was good for me also, Kazuma. We shall have to try…other things. But for now…yes. That was…well. Much as I imagined it, I think.”

“Even if you weren’t, uh, swept away.”

“You swept me off my feet long ago,” she told him, then wrapped his cloak about her. “Well, shall we?”

They walked back in the rain, but despite the fact that he’d finally punched his V card… Kazuma felt as devastated as Beldia’s castle had been.