The Broad Side of a Barn, Chapter 2

Despite the “kiss” they had shared, nothing much changed between Kazuma and Darkness for the next few days. She didn’t mention the orphanage, and Kazuma was distracted by Megumin and Aqua’s preparations for the upcoming tourney. 

“For the last time, Aqua, we’re not setting up a booth to recruit followers for the Axis Cult!” Kazuma said when Aqua once more tried to get him to assist her in expanding her collection of craziness. 

“But this tournament is perfect! We can use it to gain more of my wonderful followers and spread cheer and my wonderful name to everyone in town!” Aqua protested.

“No! I’m going to enter into that damn archery contest and win us enough money to get out of debt, and Darkness is going to…uh, enter the melee and try to save an orphanage or something.”

“Orphanage? Kazuma, what are you talking about?! Darkness isn’t an orphan,” Aqua said, frowning at him. 

“I know that! Look, just ask her next time you see her. Maybe you can go do some magic tricks for the kids or something!”

“Well I would, if I knew where Darkness even was. I haven’t seen her since like two days ago,” Aqua huffed. “Fine! I’m going to make the fliers myself!” 

Before Kazuma could explain just why that wasn’t going to happen, he heard a distant echoing boom. A moment later, the ground shook so badly that the dishes rattled, and one plate actually fell off the shelf and shattered. 

“Dammit, Megumin!” Kazuma groaned. “Come on, Aqua! We’ve got to find her before the guards do! I seriously hope she didn’t just go out by herself again!” 

Halfway towards the still falling mushroom cloud several miles off, Kazuma and Aqua ran into Yunyun, who was struggling along with a limp Megumin on her back. 

“Kazuma, Kazuma! Did you see!? That was my best Explosion yet!” Megumin cried eagerly, waving frantically at him. Wasn’t she supposed to be more drained after her daily catastrophe!? 

“Where the hell did you even set that thing off?! You’re going to have the entire town after you!” Kazuma snapped, hurrying forward as Yunyun staggered to a stop. He gave her a pitying look. “Yunyun, come on. I thought you at least had better sense than this.”

“M-Megumin challenged me to a p-piggyback ride contest,” Yunyun panted. “I-I won’t back down!” 

Right. Of course.

“And did she carry you all the way out to her Explosion spot?” Kazuma demanded. Yunyun blushed, while Megumin smirked at him. 

“I was to carry Yunyun back to her home, after she carried me to mine. As is only fair. But if she is to give up now…”

“I-I won’t lose!” Yunyun gasped. “I-”

“Megumin! Yunyun! There you are. Kazuma, how could you let them do this?!” Darkness demanded, hurrying up dressed not in her usual armor, or even her bodysuit, but in a long black dress and white blouse, with an odd leather chestpiece and corset on that had compressed her chest so much, Kazuma wondered how she’d fit into the ensemble. Whatever material it was made out of had to be some serious stuff, as it looked like it was about to explode. 

“Hey, don’t blame me! I had told Megumin in no uncertain terms I was NOT carrying her to her daily Explosion, and she wasn’t to let one off near the town and ESPECIALLY not the tournament grounds! I thought Yunyun would have enough sense not to let Megumin trick her into this, but-”

“S-she didn’t trick me! I, um, I’m helping her prepare for…you know,” Yunyun said, shuffling her feet nervously. 

“IT WAS A CONTEST OF ENDURANCE AND SKILL! Plus, I need to let off my Explosion now so that I am primed to go for the tournament day after tomorrow!” Megumin huffed. 

“Well, Alderp has dispatched several landed knights who have already arrived for the tournament, and I do believe he has ordered your capture dead or alive,” Darkness said grimly. “Thankfully, one of the knights is sworn to my family, and Sir Sooter warned me when they were dispatched. You will all need to come with me immediately. If we can make it to my manor, they won’t dare search for you on the grounds. My family name is at least worth that much if I claim you as a retainer.”

“What!? A Crimson Demon is no one’s retainer! I will not-” Megumin began.

Kazuma grabbed the back of her neck. “Drain Touch.”

“K-Kazuma! Don’t…don’t you…dare…” Megumin slumped over, and Darkness grabbed her off of Yunyun’s back, cradling the mage in her arms. 

“All of you, with me, swiftly!” Darkness ordered, and turned about. 

Darkness set a rapid pace, which the other three spectacularly failed to keep up with, even though Darkness was carrying Megumin. She waited for them impatiently several times as the others panted and struggled to maintain a jogging pace. “Come along, it’s not far now!” 

They managed to make it to Darkness’ manor home on the outskirts of Axel, just as Kazuma heard hoofbeats. They barely made it within the gates before half a dozen men and women in shining armor with various colorful helms and tabards pulled up. 

“Ah, Lady Dustiness! I see you have collared the criminal. Come, we shall accompany you back to Baron Alderp’s abode,” one of the men, with a red rooster helm and bright red tabard with a game cock on it called from the back of his warhorse. 

“I think not, Sir Hahn. This young woman is my retainer and a member of my adventuring party. She is under my aegis and is not bound to Baron Alderps' whims,” Darkness said, handing Megumin over to Kazuma, who grunted as he hefted the still passed-out mage. 

Sir Hahn glared at Darkness, leaning forward over his saddlehorn. “You would claim this criminal as your retainer? She is a known menace who has repeatedly disrupted the tranquility of this domain!” 

“She is also a loyal and steadfast companion who has aided in the defeat of Beldia, and the destruction of the Mobile Fortress Destroyer. She was merely practicing her art, that she might safeguard the realm,” Darkness said, standing firm at the gate. 

“Pah, she uses Explosion Magic! It is a gimmick, a farce! She is no mage!” Sir Hahn snorted. 

Yunyun suddenly stepped forward, her crimson eyes aglow. “Megumin is a member of the Crimson Demon Clan, and has been recognized as an Archmage by my people. Do you deny her status?”

“Pff, and who are you? Another exile from the mad village?” Sir Hahn sneered. 

“Jager,” a woman with a blue snail helm said in a warning, resting a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off.

“BEHOLD!” Yunyun cried, suddenly striking a dramatic pose with one hand raised, her left leg kicked up, and her right making an arcane gesture with her wand. “I AM YUNYUN, DAUGHTER OF HIROPON, FOREMOST ADVENTURER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY CLAIM HER PLACE AS CHIEF!” 

Hahn jerked back at hearing that, and the snail knight sighed and shook her head. “I was trying to warn you, Jager. Megumin might be an outcast, but she has powerful friends.”

“Hmph. The destruction your retainer has caused will be billed to your house then, Lady Dustiness. Something I think you can ill afford,” Hahn growled. 

With that, he wheeled about and rode off with most of the other knights, save for one, who had a silver shield on his tabard and a rather plain helm. That man dismounted, then bowed to Darkness. Kazuma immediately decided he didn’t like the man. He was far too polished, and that chiseled handsome chin made him oh-so punchable. 

“Forgive me, Lady Dustiness. I did my best to delay them, but Hahn knows my allegiance. He is a rogue and a hotheaded lout, but he has the baron’s favor.”

“It is well, Braum,” Darkness said, sounding exhausted. “Thank you. An annoyance Jager Hahn might be, but he is right about one thing. Further debts are something my house can ill afford.”

“Yes, well…some of us know what the Baron has done to you. I will fight for the honor of House Dustiness in the joust tomorrow if I have your leave,” the knight said, bowing low. 

Darkness smiled, then took a lace hankie from her sleeve. She walked forward, and tied it to Braum’s elbow. What was she doing that for!? Was this clean-shaven goody-two-shoes actually her type!? What a skank! “Go then, Sir Braum Sooter. With my blessing. I will not be joining you in the joust. It is embarrassing, but I must go where my talents lead me if I have any hope of claiming a prize.”

“Ah, the melee, then? May Lady Eris smile upon you,” Sir Sooter the Suck Up said. With that, he bowed one more time to show his lack of spine, then remounted on his horse. Kazuma very nearly used steal on him before he rode off with Darkness’ hankie. He was certain the knight would do something perverted with it later that night. Just like Kazuma had been doing with Darkness’s panties. 

Darkness watched him go, and Kazuma glared daggers at her. “Well!? Now what! We’re even deeper in the hole now! Sheesh! Even when I win that archery contest, we’ll still be in debt! And don’t tell me you suddenly caught a case of good sense and invested enough in offense you could actually win the melee!” 

Darkness flushed. “I…I could not bring myself to do so. But Kazuma…I would not be so certain you’ll win the archery contest.”

“Oh yeah?” Kazuma asked, folding his arms smugly. “I win drinks off all the adventurers whenever one of the archer classes thinks a lowly adventurer can’t outshoot them!” 

“Yes, Kazuma, you are indeed the finest archer among the Adventurers in Axel,” Darkness agreed. “But Kazuma…the prize for the tournament is more than just the eris. It is prestige and a chance to gain the baron’s favor. There will be noble archers who have come just to compete. I saw Sir Steit, and Lady Kocher. They are both from families famous for their bloodline archery abilities.”

“Yeah, well, do they have my luck?” Kazuma laughed. 

“Sometimes, Kazuma, you need more than mere luck,” Darkness said with a shake of her head. “Besides, I have not seen you practice your archery at all.”

“Pff, who needs to practice when you have skill points? Trust me, Snipe will be plenty,” Kazuma said with a wave of his hand. 

“Mmm,” Darkness said, but she looked disconcerted. “Come. Let us put Megumin to bed. Yunyun, you had best stay with us tonight. Hahn is not ordinarily foolish enough to draw the ire of the Crimson Demon Clan…but it would be best not to test his rashness.”

“Um, o-ok,” Yunyun agreed, looking back at the mansion. “I-I can just stay in the stables…”

“The stables are for my horses, not my friends,” Darkness said with a laugh that sounded genuine as she smiled at Yunyun. “Though quarters will be tight, this manse is not particularly large, and we have less staff on hand than I would like. Would you mind terribly sharing with Megumin?” 

“Oh! Y-you mean it!? We’re friends!?” Yunyun gasped, looking like she might faint. 

“Of course, we have gone on many adventures together, and any friend of Megumin’s is a friend of mine,” Darkness assured her. 

“Well, I’m not sharing a room!” Aqua piped up. “I’m a goddess! I deserve to be pampered and get my own bed!” 

“Of course, Aqua. And Kazuma, you will of course receive your own room as well,” Darkness agreed. “Dinner will be at six bells. I am afraid it will be light; we have had to cut back.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Kazuma said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Sheesh, with digs like this, why do you even bother to stay at the mansion?”

Darkness blushed. “Well, it is much closer to town. And, well…I enjoy staying with all of you. It is more…relaxing.” 

Darkness showed them all to their rooms, saving Kazuma’s for last. They were all fairly opulent, even more well-decorated than their rooms back at their mansion, though they were slightly smaller and cozier. Yunyun said she’d put Megumin to bed, but wake her up in time for dinner.

“I’m taking a bath!” Aqua announced when she was shown her room. “So don’t come perving on me, Kazuma!” 

“Ew, thanks for the warning,” Kazuma said, making a face. “Like I’d want to see you naked.”

“Hmph! I’ll have you know most mortal men would drool and weep to see a goddess bathing!” Aqua huffed. 

“Weep, sure. But drool? They’d have to be drooling morons to fall for you,” Kazuma said with a snort. 

“What?! I’m literally perfect,” Aqua huffed. “My measurements are flawless!” 

“You sure? Because Darkness’ boobs are bigger than yours,” Kazuma said bluntly. 

“Hmph! There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Well, just so you know, Darkness, Kazuma snores! It was awful when we were in the barn,” Aqua said conspiratorially.

“I snore!? You sound like a lumber mill!” Kazuma protested. 

“I do not! Goddesses don’t snore!” Aqua huffed, sticking out her tongue at Kazuma. Then she slammed the door, leaving Kazuma and Darkness alone in the hallway. 

“Don’t listen to what that useless bimbo tells you about me,” Kazuma told Darkness. “I do not snore.”

“You do, actually,” Darkness said with a faint smile. “And much more loudly than she.”

“Hey, how would you know?!” Kazuma demanded hotly. 

“Kazuma, we have camped out together several times. I can hear you easily when I take my watch,” Darkness said with an amused expression. 

Oh, right. “Well, uh, you snore too!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusatory finger. 

“You are quite the cad to tell me that in my own home,” Darkness said as she led Kazuma down the hallway. She walked right past several rooms, going up a level at the end of the hall.

“Hey, what’s wrong with those rooms!? Why do I have to go up the stairs!” Kazuma demanded hotly. 

“Those rooms have been closed, as we are lacking servants to care for them properly at the moment. My father is not in residence now, having retired to our primary estate in the North for his health,” Darkness explained. She hesitated on the stairs. “I am giving you his master bedroom. Which is…next to mine.”

Kazuma’s heart suddenly thumped. “You expect me to sleep in your father’s bed? Wow. Classy.”

“It is the most lavish room in the manse. And the servants will not come up to this level at night, as I have told them that after the evening meal they are dismissed,” Darkness, turning around and hurrying up the stairs. 

Kazuma charged after her. “Hold on one damn moment!” he snapped, slipping around Darkness and planting his feet in front of her. “You’re not going to sexually harass me at night, are you!?” 

“...it would not be appropriate for a lady to do such a thing. Besides, I think you will find that it has been you who has harassed me. Particularly the…bathing…incident,” Darkness said, not meeting Kazuma’s eyes. 

“H-hey! That was the Loli suc- um, never mind,” Kazuma said, looking away, equally embarrassed. 

“Loli? You…you expected another woman…?” Darkness flushed even deeper. “T-that is even more depraved than I thought!” 

“No, not a woman! Er, sort of. You, um, remember that succubus Aqua, er…caught?” Kazuma said, looking anywhere but at Darkness. “I…sort of told her to…uh…”

“Kazuma! You consort with demons!?” Darkness demanded, suddenly grabbing him, real outrage in her voice. “I thought you a scoundrel and a pervert, but not a traitor!” 

“Ow, ow!” Kazuma gasped, as Darkness was just about crushing his arm and shoulder. “No, it’s not like that! They-re’ ah! Leggo! They’re independent! They have a small cafe in town, they just give you, um, dreams! I was just going to get a sexy one, and um, well, I sort of…”

Darkness relaxed her grip, but pushed Kazuma in front of her. “My room. Now.”

Kazuma found himself double timing it to the largest and most ornate room yet. There was a giant four-poster bed, and a portrait in the corner of a young woman that looked a lot like Darkness, though her hair was a shade or two darker, and she had light brown eyes. She was posing with a truly enormous bow that seemed to be made out of metal, wearing an outfit that was close to what Darkness had on. 

“Who’s the archer broad?” Kazuma said as Darkness shoved him onto the small couch.

Darkness glanced at the portrait, then bit her lip. She closed her eyes, and a look of pain passed over her face. “...my mother, Alice Ford. She was a renowned archer. The entire Ford family is.”

“...oh. Um, sorry,” Kazuma said, feeling a bit lame. Though that apple had certainly fallen far from the tree. Darkness couldn’t hit the broad side of the barn with a sword, let alone a bow. “She, uh…she’s not around anymore, right?”

“No. She was felled by a magical ailment when I was but an infant. I never knew her,” Darkness said, turning to look at the portrait. Kazuma stood up, glancing at her. She looked like she was in pain, and tentatively, he put a hand on her back.

“I bet she was something special. And would be proud of you and stuff.”

“Thank you, Kazuma. But I doubt that,” Darkness sighed. Then she rounded on him. “Now. Explain about why you consort with demons. And why you thought me joining you in the bath was somehow their fault.”

“Well, um, I you see…they give guys dreams. You fill out a form and stuff, and you get, uh…a very special dream.”

“A form,” Darkness said flatly. 

“Yeah, um, you choose your partner. And, I, um, I maybe…kinda sorta…put in your description. And name. And, um, said you should call me master,” Kazuma admitted, wincing. “Please don’t kill me.”

Darkness stared at him a moment, then sat back on the couch, and began to laugh hysterically. “You mean, ha ha, you mean to tell me, hee hee, that you…oh, gods, that is too…ha ha!” 

“What!? What!? It’s harmless! The girls get a snack, and we male adventurers get some relief! It’s not like any of the women will date us, so we have to take the pressure off SOMEHOW!” Kazuma spluttered. 

“Kazuma,” Darkness tittered, wiping her eyes. “You do realize that I knew the bath was occupied, don’t you?” 

“I knew it! I had put up the sign that I was in there, and you just ignored it! So that wasn’t my fault anyway!” Kazuma cackled. 

“Idiot man,” Darkness sighed. Then she stood up, looming over Kazuma, her expression dark. “When this tournament is over, you will explain this…succubus brothel…to me more fully. And I will investigate it…personally. Demons are the enemy, Kazuma! And a serious danger to this entire town!” 

“Oh come, on, you’ve MET Lolisa!” Kazuma said with a roll of his eyes. “You know, the pink-haired girl that hangs out with Dust?”

“I…” Darkness frowned, then started. “Wait, Lolisa is the same as that…oh. Oh! But…” She shook her head. “No. Succubi are cunning and dangerous, Kazuma. They turn men against their fellows before sucking them dry and leaving their empty husks!” 

“They’re not like that!” Kazuma protested. “Come on, Darkness. I’d have thought your pervy ass would be all in on the succubus train!” 

“No. While I might enjoy being beaten and battered by monsters, and have a wish to be imprisoned and molested by hulking beasts…demons are another matter. They are the enemy of the church. Though…if one were to chain me up, and turn me into his plaything…” Darkness began to salivate, a vacant look in her eyes. 

“See? You’re hopeless. And you’re pissed at me for asking for a dream!” Kazuma huffed. 

“Did you really ask a succubus to assume my form?” Darkness asked, her face turning red. 

“Uh, look, it was just a dream, and it didn’t even happen! With your overly sexy body, can you really blame a guy for wanting to, you know…” Kazuma coughed. 

“You really are an idiot, Kazuma. Go freshen up. Dinner is in a few hours. I will see you then,” Darkness told him, turning around. She began to unlace her corset even before Kazuma made it to the door, and he lingered a bit. She paused, turning to look at him. “Well? You really so bold as to leer at me in my own room?”

Kazuma fled, and hastily went to the room next door. A young man man in golden armor with a blond mustache stared down at him beneficently from a massive portrait. It had to be Darkness’ father, especially as he was standing astride a slain manticore, one booted foot on its spiny mane. 

“What?! She was the one who started before I even got to the door!” Kazuma told the man. “And she was the one who snuck in on me in the bath! I’m innocent!” 

The expression on the painting didn’t change. 

“Don’t look at me like that, you randy old bastard! I bet you’re just as much of a freak as your daughter!” 

Still, Kazuma resolved not to get out the pair of panties in his pack. Jerking it with Darkness’ dad watching him felt…wrong. On multiple levels. 

He washed his face and hands in a basin, then perused some of the books on the shelf. Most of them looked like dry and boring political stuff or histories, but there was quite a swath of creased and dog eared books in the middle. Kazuma pulled one out. The Heart and the Flame. He flipped it open to one of the dog-eared pages, and immediately dropped the book. Then hastily picked it back up. Carefully stepping out of sight of the portrait of the Dustiness patriarch, Kazuma cracked open the book again, which was marked at a fabulous pair of titties that were getting absolutely railed by a darkly handsome man. 

His eyes fell to the words, which described in exquisite detail the busty woman getting destroyed by the man. He flipped through the book, and found beautifully illustrated full page spreads of, well, people spreading them. 

He hastily closed the book and put it back, then snuck around the corner. He peered up at the portrait of Darkness’ father. “Really? REALLY?! You really ARE just as much of a randy bastard as Darkness is!” he declared, pointing an accusatory finger. 

The man in the portrait just grinned back at Kazuma, though now he somehow looked a lot more roguish than saintly. Kazuma went back to the shelf, but paused. Somehow, it just did not feel right looking through what amounted to Darkness’ dad’s porn stash. Though he did write down the titles on several of the books for further research later. 

Feeling too pent up, and too nervous under the Elder Dustiness’ gaze, Kazuma wandered out of his rooms and downstairs, before heading out into the garden behind the house. He found a set of archery targets set up on bales of hay to his surprise, and took out his bow and strung it. He got in a bit of practice, grinning to himself as he sank home bullseye after bullseye from as many as 25 paces. 

“Sir? Dinner is served.” 

Kazuma turned to see a pretty maid in a cute uniform bowing to him. She had curly brown hair, and freckles on her cheeks. She looked to be somewhere in her mid 20s, and while she wasn’t as stacked as Darkness, she did have a nice rack on her. 

“Well, well, I didn’t realize Darkness kept hotties on her staff. I’ll have to come around more often,” Kazuma said, sauntering over to the maid. “What’s your name, cutie?” 

“My name is Holly, sir. And Lady Dustiness has warned me about you,” Holly said, still bowing. “Touch me, and I have permission to poison your food. Not too badly, but you will spend the night on the privy.”

Sheesh! Kazuma hadn’t even touched her!  Yet. “Uh, hands to myself, got it.”

“Excellent. Right this way, sir.”

Holly the Harpy led Kazuma to a lavish dining chamber with a long hardwood table, set with silk napkins and real silverware, along with fancy porcelain plates. Darkness, Aqua, Megumin, and Yunyun all sat around the table, with Darkness in an evening gown, and the others in their normal clothes. Megumin and Aqua glared at Kazuma, with Aqua going so far as to wave her hand in front of her face. “Ugh, Kazuma, I thought you were supposed to freshen up! You stink!” 

“I was just practicing for the tournament,” Kazuma said, taking the seat beside Darkness and lounging in his chair. “I think I’ve got this one in the bag.”

“Ha! I will surely claim the prize for magecraft!” Megumin bragged as another maid, this one a slender red-head with green eyes and a mischievous grin. Kazuma reached a hand towards her, but she suddenly slipped, splashing hot soup on his hand, which he retracted with a hiss. 

“Oh, sorry sir. I’m so clumsy around lechers,” the maid tittered, and Kazuma glared at her while Aqua laughed hysterically. 

“Ivy…he is my guest and friend,” Darkness said with a frown. “Treat him with the respect you would my father.”

“Well, I’m not spending the night in your daddy’s room tonight, that’s for certain, my Lady,” Ivy huffed. “Thank goodness you gave us the night off.”

Darkness groaned and put her head in her hands. “Ivy…”

“You did warn us, my Lady,” Holly said, coming forward with a pitcher of cold punch. Kazuma hastily covered his glass. “Oh relax, sir. I wouldn’t actually poison you. That was merely a jest. Though Lady Dustiness might beat me if I did let you pinch me.”

“Holly, please!” Darkness wailed, putting her head down. 

“Hey Darkness, I like your maids! They got SPUNK! Have you ladies considered joining the Axis Cult?” Aqua asked. 

“Why I never! We’re good erisites in this house, we are,” Holly huffed. 

“Even if we do have the funner Axis texts, always were a favorite of my lord!” Ivy chuckled. 

“Ladies, please!” Darkness said, looking up, her face flushed. “This is not the sort of humiliation I enjoy!” 

“But my Lady, you said not to stand on ceremony while your father was away,” Holly said, putting a hand to her bosom. 

“Yes, but, not in front of my friends!” Darkness begged.

“Oh, but these are your friends, not the nobles. We can be saucy with them,” Ivy said with a wink. “Now don’t you fret. We have a nice chicken for your meal tonight, we’ll bring it out shortly.”

“Thank you,” Darkness sighed, sitting up. “Just…please don’t be so…free. Not unless we’re truly private.”

“Very well, my Lady. Does that mean you won’t have a fit if I do sneak up to my Lord’s chambers tonight?” Ivy asked in innocent tones. Kazuma nearly choked on his soup. 

Darkness glared at her, and Ivy cackled before hurrying off in a swish of skirts.

“...so is good help hard to come by, or does your family just employ weirdos?” Kazuma asked as Megumin  fell upon the bread and soup like a starving wolf, and Yunyun sipped at hers quietly. Aqua just reached over, taking Kazuma’s hand and soothing away the burn. 

“Ivy and Holly are…special,” Darkness sighed. “Normally, they’re with my father, not me. But, well, he sent them away as he’s too, um, exhausted for their…company.”

Kazuma digested that, then his eyes went wide. “Wait, they’re your father’s m-”

“Maids. His maids,” Darkness said firmly. “And the less I have to think about it, the better. That is NOT the sort of embarrassment I am fond of. At all.”

“Wouldn’t your father need his maids?” Yunyun said, looking up.

Megumin rolled her eyes. “Obviously, he wants someone to keep an eye on his daughter while he’s sick. He is probably with doctors or something.”

“Ah, yes, my father’s clerics and physicians tend him most assiduously,” Darkness agreed, blushing. “Ivy and Holly’s talents do not lie in that arena.”

“Hey, this soup is great!” Aqua commented. “They’re good cooks, at least!” 

The soup was quite good, a creamy broccoli soup with a bit of cheese in it and just the right amount of spices. The roasted chicken was moist and tender, with a wonderful, crispy skin. For dessert, there was a delicious peach cobbler with cream, served in small bowls for each of them. Kazuma found himself eating until his stomach hurt, and he leaned back, sighing in contentment. 

“Ivy, if you did poison me…it was worth it,” Kazuma said, then belched loudly. 

“Well, thank you, sir,” Ivy said with a grin. “I’ll take that noise as a compliment. Good to have someone who appreciates my cooking! Lady Dustiness enjoys it well enough, but she’s always demanding healthy food with more protein. Hardly ever get to make her something sweet!” 

“Ah, Darkness, you gotta live a little!” Aqua laughed. “What’s the point of all that exercise if you don’t indulge?”

“It was very good, thank you,” Yunyun said quietly, and Megumin nodded, wiping a bit of cobbler off her chin. 

“We should visit your place more often, Darkness!” she proclaimed. “Plus, we don’t even have to do the dishes!” 

“Thank you, Ivy. Once you and Holly have finished up, you are dismissed. We’ll have a simple breakfast, so you may sleep in and come in after,” Darkness told them. 

“You’re certain you won’t need us?” Ivy said, suddenly looking concerned. “My Lady, you do need someone to look after you, and if those horrible men come back…”

“I’ll deal with them. They haven’t molested you, have they?” Darkness asked, her eyes suddenly gleaming with anger. 

“No, no, didn’t even cat call us. But the Baron’s debt collectors keep visiting, and we can only hold them off so long,” Ivy said, looking nervous. She wrung her hands, and bit her lip. “My lady, you must know…if you can’t afford to pay us…we can hold off on the wages…we would never-”

“No,” Darkness said firmly. “My family will honor its debts, Ivy. Always. You have faithfully served my father for nearly ten years. And been kind to me as well. You will not want for funds.”

“Never been about the money. But thank you, my Lady,” Ivy said, and bowed deeply. “If you need us…”

“No, thank you. You are dismissed, once you help Holly with the washing,” Darkness said in a kindly tone. 

Ivy bowed and departed, and Darkness stood with a yawn. “I am for the bath. After today, I could do with a nice long soak. Kazuma, remember what I told you earlier. The rest of you, good night.”

“Good night!” Aqua said, while Megumin yawned.

“Come on, Yunyun. I’ll give you a piggyback up the stairs and win our bet.”

“W-what!? That was not- we didn’t agree to that!” Yunyun squeaked. 

“I said I would carry you home, and we’re staying here tonight, aren’t we? So come on. Or are you too afraid?” Megumin demanded. “Do you think I would fall so easily, slipping and dropping you so that you broke your neck?” 

“I…I…um…those stairs are rather steep, Megumin…”

“Ha! Then I declare victory! I win again!” Megumin proclaimed, jumping on her chair and posing.

Yunyun wailed, and Kazuma sighed and trudged upstairs. He was completely knackered himself. He made it to the master bedroom, and started taking off his clothes. He didn’t have any spares, so he’d just sleep with his underwear on. What was that Darkness had said? ‘Remember what I told you, Kazuma.’

What had she told him? Stay away from succubi, blah blah, you’re a pervert, blah blah…

‘You really are an idiot, Kazuma.’

Showed what she knew! He was the brains of this operation! Without him, Aqua would be drunk in a ditch somewhere, Megumin would blow herself up, and Darkness would end up failing every quest when she couldn’t kill a single monster. He’d see who laughed at who the next time she couldn’t land a single-

You do realize that I knew the bath was occupied, don’t you?

Kazuma froze. Wait. She’d known he was in the bath? And she’d come in anyway? What kind of-

Oh shit. He really was an idiot. He quickly pulled off his pants, then ran to the bathroom. It was in a room between the master bedroom and Darkness’ own room, through a passage that connected at the back. He hastily ran into the room, turning on the water, which came out piping hot into a large stone basin. Not as big as the one in their mansion, but still about the size of a hot tub. Darkness wasn’t in yet, and his bare feet slapped on the marble tile as he skipped along, tugging off his underwear. He reached the far door and flung it open, then froze. 

Darkness stood stock still, her eyes wide, a towel barely covering her as her hand extended towards the doorknob. They both locked eyes, and for several seconds, neither moved. 

Then Kazuma placed his underwear on the outside door handle. “Occupied,” he said, then threw the door shut. Then he scrambled over and jumped in the hottub, his heart thundering in his chest. Then sat there. And sat there. Long moments dragged by, and nothing happened. Damn it all, was he really a complete fool!?

Then, he heard the soft click of the handle turning, and a breeze as the door opened. He held his breath, listening as the door swung shut, and the breeze vanished. He didn’t dare turn around as he heard the soft tread of bare feet. Then, he heard the rustle of fabric. He glanced around, and saw Darkness’ bare feet, along with her towel on the ground. His eyes trailed up, and he beheld her full body. Well, mostly. She’d wrapped her long hair about herself like Lady Godiva, her hands at her groin and chest, her face aflame. 

“I, um, I-I didn’t realize…you cad! I-I told you…told you I was going to bathe!” Darkness stammered. 

“Sheesh, took you long enough,” Kazuma said, then slapped at the water’s surface and turned around. “Now get over here and wash my back.”

He held his breath again, and once more, had to wait for a long time. Then he jerked as Darkness slid into the water next to him with a splash. He just gaped at her as she hastily dipped down so that it covered her chest, her eyes locked on his. 

“Y-you…you would order me around, like…like a common…” Darkness swallowed, licking her lips.

“About time I got some proper service. I tried to get Ivy and Holly to come wash my back, but they said they had the night off,” Kazuma sniffed. He turned his back to Darkness. “Well? Get to it!” 

He tensed up, stiffening for a moment, then let out a gasp as Darkness’ hands slowly reached out, touching him. A moment later, something silky and wet began to rub his back. A wash cloth? He glanced over his shoulder, and found a blushing Darkness rubbing at him with her hair. 

“I, ah, I didn’t bring…” She bit her lip. “That is…this seemed the most expedient…”

“Well, I expect a thorough cleaning, girl,” Kazuma said, his voice only cracking a little. 

“Y-yes! Um…M-master…” Darkness stammered.

“G-good,” Kazuma said, and stood up, folding his arms over his chest. 

He found himself shivering as Darkness used her wet hair to give  him a thorough scrubbing. She was actually kinda bad at it, being rather rough and clumsy, but Kazuma sort of didn’t care. He lifted up his arms, and demanded, “The pits too!” 

“Y-yes, master,” Darkness stammered. To his shock, she leaned over, sniffing his armpit, then sighing. “Mmm. A wonderful scent…almost manly for you, Ka-I mean, Master.”

“Damn right I’m manly,” Kazuma mumbled, blushing furiously as Darkness began to clean there. He let out a hiss and then a snort. “C-careful! I’m, uh, sensitive there…”

“S-sorry!” Darkness gasped, but didn’t stop. She took her time, carefully wiping down Kazuma’s arms, even trailing her hair along his back as well. She hesitated when she got to his lower region, and Kazuma, almost against his will, moved his hand to block her. 

“Um, m-maybe not that, uh, yet,” he stammered. 

“Ah, yes,” Darkness agreed, blushing and turning her back. Kazuma caught more than a glimpse of her breasts, which were larger and redder than he’d thought they’d be in the bath water. 

He looked around, spying a bar of soap and Darkness’ towel near the edge of the tub. He grabbed both, then lathered up the bar. “Hold still.”

Darkness stiffened and covered herself with her hands, then peaked over her shoulder. “K-Kazuma?”

“Your turn,” he told her. “It’s only fair.”

She flinched when he touched her, and he quickly withdrew his hand, feeling terribly embarrassed. “S-sorry, um, I-”

“No,” she said quietly. “No. Wash my back, Kazuma.” She stood up out of the water, even lowering her hands to her side instead of over herself. She tilted her head back, and Kazuma could see she’d closed her eyes. He could do basically anything to her now. 

Tentatively, he reached out again, and this time, Darkness leaned into him. Gently, he began to scrub at her shoulders and back, moving aside her wet hair. Her body was incredibly toned, and Kazuma found himself running his hand over the muscles. They were light steel cords under his fingers, and he began to kneed them, more out out of perverse interest than anything else. 

To his surprise, Darkness moaned. Well, he wasn’t that surprised, actually. “K-Kazuma…”

“I told you, call me master, you big gorilla,” Kazuma said, as an idea struck him. “Lean over on the edge.”

Darkness squeaked and jumped in the water a little. “Master! W-what are you-”

“Just do it,” he ordered, and grabbed the wet towel and swatted her on her exposed buttocks. 

That got a gasp of pleasure, and Darkness hastily surged forward with a splash, laying on the side of the tub. Kazuma began to chop and pound at her back muscles like he’d seen videos of people in massage parlors do. At first, Darkness stiffened, then she melted completely, a happy sigh escaping from her as Kazuma used his elbows and fists to beat away at the tension in her muscles.

“Oh…oh master…mmmm…I will…I will give you an hour to stop doing that…” Darkness groaned langorously. 

“Don’t know if I have the stamina for THAT,” Kazuma grunted. He was already sweating and starting to breath hard. “Sheesh, you’re as tense as a plank. This debt thing has really gotten to you, hasn’t it?”

“Yes,” Darkness whispered, turning her head to look up at Kazuma. To his shock, he saw something in her eyes he hadn’t expected. Tears…and fear. Since when had Darkness been afraid of anything? 

“Well, don’t sweat it. I’ll win that money at the tourney, and that will be something,” Kazuma grunted, using his hands like knives to pound at her shoulders. 

She looked away from him. “I…I believe we shall get the money from the archery competition. But it is only 100,000 eris, Kazuma. It will buy us time. Nothing more.”

“You think you can win the melee?” Kazuma asked. 

“...no,” Darkness admitted softly. “No, even were I to take basic swordsmanship, the melee is more than just how much punishment you can take, and besides, I have not the skill points at the moment.”

“And the odds of Megumin winning the magecraft category?”

“Less than zero,” Darkness groaned, hiding her face in her arms. “Magecraft competitions do not simply test the destructive capacity of the mage, but their ability to overcome their foes in a duel of skill. Megumin could win exactly one duel. After that…”

“And I take it vaporizing your opponent is against the rules?”

“Yes. Most definitely. The point is to find excellent mages, not reduce their numbers. Alderp is looking for a court mage most likely. The point of such tournaments is to identify exceptional individuals to add to his retinue so that he can use them against threats to his lands. Or at least, ordinarily, it is. Such events are also showcases of a lord’s wealth and power. And Alderp is making a play to become a major force. That is why he-”

Darkness cut off, and Kazuma paused. “Why he what?” 

“Just…don’t stop, Kazuma. Please. Make this last,” Darkness said, her voice muffled. 

Nodding, Kazuma continued, and Darkness slowly relaxed again, sagging against the side of the tub. After another five minutes however, Kazuma was breathing hard, his blows barely landing. He flopped down in the water, completely exhausted. 

“Ok, I think…I think you’re clean, now.”

“Mmm,” Darkness said, standing up and arching her back, which gave Kazuma quite the eyeful. She smiled at him before sliding down next to him in the tub. “Thank you, Master. That’s what I needed.”

“Sheesh. Call me your master, then make me work hard,” Kazuma grunted, one eye open as he eyed Darkness, who was making no effort to cover herself now. 

She leaned up against him, and Kazuma leaned back against her. It was somewhat annoying that her head rested atop his, but that did give him a better angle on her boobs. 

“How can this unworthy servant ever repay you, Master?”

“I can think of a way,” Kazuma said, then reached up and squeezed Darkness’ left breast, hard.

She gasped and writhed slightly, but then reached over and took Kazuma’s other hand as she turned slightly, placing it on her other breast. “Yes, Master. Ruin me completely for marriage.”

“I…uh, I don’t know that this counts,” Kazuma said, but he didn’t stop squeezing. He even pinched her nipple a little, which made Darkness shiver in delight. He tilted his head up, and found her mouth meeting his. Once more, their teeth clacked together, making both of them flinch back and cover their mouths.

“Ow! That’s not how you’re supposed to kiss!” Kazuma said, dabbing at his lip with his thumb. Thankfully, it wasn’t bleeding any thus time. 

“I, ah, I apologize…I am very clumsy, and um, I-I do not know how to kiss properly,” Darkness stammered, back to covering herself with her hands as she turned away from Kazuma. 

“Um, to be fair…I sort of have no idea how either. That one the other night was…sort of my first,” Kazuma admitted.

Darkness turned her head back towards him, a look of hope on her face. “R-really? I…I was your first?”

“Um, yeah. So, uh…you wanna, you know…uh, maybe figure out how to do it the right way?” Kazuma offered. 

“K-Kazuma, I…” Darkness lowered her arms shyly, despite her being completely naked, and looked down, blushing. “I…I would enjoy…p-practicing… with you. Master.”

Tentatively, Kazuma drew closer to Darkness, putting an arm around her. She opened her arms, drawing him close to her, still blushing like a shy maiden. He pressed against her breasts, then stood up while she remained kneeling so that he was above her. There. That felt right. He closed his eyes and gently pressed his lips to hers. 

Immediately, Darkness pressed harder, her teeth nibbling at him. “Ack! Slow down! I’m not a damn hunk of meat!” 

“S-sorry,” Darkness mumbled, pulling back. 

“Uh, it’s more like, this,” Kazuma said, drawing her back to him. He pressed more firmly this time, and Darkness wrapped her arms about him. They stayed like that for what felt like forever, before Darkness suddenly stuck her tongue into Kazuma’s mouth. 

She immediately let him go and backed away again, once more covering herself. “S-sorry. I, ah-”

“No,” Kazuma said, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. “No, uh, that…that was kinda nice.”

Darkness glanced up at him, her expression shy but hopefully. “You…you mean it? I…I was not being…too forceful, and unladylike?”

“I mean, yeah, probably you were, but I can sort of be into that,” Kazuma said. He leaned down again, and Darkness closed her eyes and turned her face to meet his. This time, he nibbled at her lips a little, and she gasped in pleasure. When she stuck her tongue into his mouth this time, Kazuma let her, then did the same. 

When they came up for air this time, both were breathing hard. They slid back into the tub, arms wrapped about one another. 

“That was, uh, not bad,” Kazuma said.

“N-not bad? Was it not…?” Darkness flinched away a little, but Kazuma pulled her back. 

“Yeah, not bad. For a worthless serving wench like you. You’ll have to practice to get it right, worman.”

“Y-yes! Yes, master!” Darkness said eagerly. Then she suddenly pulled away from Kazuma. “If…if only we could…”

“We can,” Kazuma said, reaching over and slapping her ass. She yelped, but when she looked at him, she was grinning.

“Uncouth rogue! Forcing a defenseless maiden to cater to your every whim! Then punishing her for her failures!”

“Yeah. We’ll uh, we’ll do this again,” Kazuma promised. 

“I…I hope so,” Darkness said.

Kazuma wasn’t sure what to make of that. They both climbed out of the tub, and helped one another towel off. They kissed again, this time Kazuma having to stand on his tiptoes to reach Darkness. 

After what felt like ages, Kazuma lowered himself and yawned. “Man, I am an idiot. I could have done this a long time ago, couldn’t I?”

“I, ah, did plan something similar when I went into the bath with you,” Darkness admitted, pulling the towel to her chest and blushing. “I…I had hoped…but then we were interrupted.”

“Yeah. Guess I won’t need to visit Lolisa again,” Kazuma said dreamily.

Darkness suddenly glared at him, then tied the towel about herself and whirled about. “Good night, Kazuma. Get some rest. Tomorrow, we must apply to enter the tournament.”

“Huh?” Kazuma said, blinking. Darkness stalked off, then slammed the door behind her. A moment later, she appeared, holding up Kazuma’s underwear. “Don’t forget these, Master.”

Then, she threw them right into Kazuma’s face! Dammit, the one time she had perfect aim! By the time Kazuma had clawed the smelly thing off, she was gone.

With a sigh, he stood, then walked back to the door to his side. After a moment’s consideration, he put them on.

The last thing he wanted was for Darkness’ dad to see him naked.