This Goddess Must Be Crazy, Chapter 54

If he had still had lungs, All For One would have been breathing hard. As it was, he had been forced back, and ice coated much of his skeletal frame. It had gotten so bad he’d needed to call upon Shiguraki for aid. The two of them together had finally beaten off the attacks of Wiz, and they were enjoying a respite, however brief. 

Taking out a glowing blue vial, All For One examined it curiously. This was apparently a “mana potion,” and it had been gifted him by Ainz Ool Gown to aid in his conquest of this world. Absently, All For One pondered how exaclty drinking would work now that he was an animate skeleton, and lifted the potion to his teeth. 

Energy coursed through him as he drained it, the liquid vanishing as it passed his teeth. His body even began regenerating the damage more quickly now that his mana reserves had been replenished. He threw the empty vial to the ground, then turned to Shiguraki, who had just consumed a potion of his own. 

“That icy bitch! How could some sort of final boss monster come out of nowhere like that? I’ll turn her to dust!” the boy hissed, his tail lashing back and forth like a cat’s. 

“Soon enough. But I am more interested in finding All Might. He is the real challenge we must overcome. The woman was driven off, we can deal with her later,” All For One said. “For now, let us find some civilians that we can slay and raise. We need to replenish our forces.”

“Like low-level trash mobs would do anything against him,” Shigaraki snorted, but he didn’t argue as he stood. 

They were just about to leave when Aura and her brother appeared, Aura clutching a broken and bleeding arm and looking furious as she supported her brother. Mare had one eye covered by a bloody bandage and was limping slightly, but had a serene expression on his face that All For One decided meant the boy had just become that much more dangerous. 

“How are these mortals so powerful!? It’s like every person in this world is at least a medium level Adventurer, and these Heroes would be all be Mithril or Orihalcum class!” Aura demanded. “They’ve killed half my pets already!” 

“This is a different world than usual. Lord Ainz told us there would be ‘Shonen Heroes’ for us to face. They are proving that they will be more difficult than the average world to subdue,” Mare said, his voice distant and slightly distracted. “We may need to ask for Lord Ainz’s further assistance.”

“No! I won’t go to Lord Ainz a failure!” Aura hissed. “Now heal me, quickly!”

Even as Mare started  his spell, there was a great crash, and an annoyingly familiar bellow of “I AM HERE!” 

Despite the fact that he most assuredly wasn’t ready, All For One bared his teeth in a skeletal grin as Mare turned empty eyes on him. “Well, that is the world’s greatest hero, is it not? This is why Lord Ainz blessed you, lich. Go and deal with him.”

Though it rankled to be given orders by someone who looked like a cross-dressing child, All For One simply nodded. “Of course. I shall-” 

Flames roared and ice howled, and All For One barely had time to throw up a magical shield around the group before the building they were in was utterly annihilated in an elemental cacophony. When the dust settled, a group of children of all things stood beside a wrathful All Might and that damn woman Wiz. 

Along with a most unusual gentleman. 

“MWAHAHAH! Moi told thee that the stench of a man who traded his soul for power yet received only bondage was here! Along with the two miscreants who’s maker was a perverted mortal who lusted after children, and the boy who has replaced reality with a game! MWAHAHAHA! Ah, to feed upon your despair shall be most delicious!” 

“Vanir, you traitor!” Aura snarled. “What are you doing on the side of the mortals?”

The strange person in the antiquated suit and a comic mask bowed and grinned. “Why, it is quite simple. Thou art destroying moi’s livelihood! How is moi to turn a profit from these foolish mortals when thy forces have threatened moi’s place of business!” 

“You will pay for betraying Nazarick and Lord Ainz!” Aura decreed, her hands glowing with green energy as she prepared to summon her beasts. 

“I see we meet again, my old Nemesis,” All For One said, sensing the time had come at last to give his long prepared speech. He opened his mouth, only for a fireball to explode next to his head as one of the youths stepped forward. 

“I heard what you did to my father,” the boy said, a spear of ice appearing in one hand, a ball of flame in the other. “The only one who gets to kick my old man’s ass is me.”

“Now, now, young Todoroki. Respect your elders,” All Might said, putting a hand on the boy’s shoulder, his expression full of cold rage. “Though I wouldn’t mind a helping hand, this pathetic wretch is mine.”

“As it was always to be!” All For One declared, seizing his chance. “At last, the heir of One For All and All For One meet in battle, and I-”

“I no longer carry that burden,” All Might said, then slammed a fist into the ground so hard that the entire street buckled, and All For One was sent flying. “BUT I’M STILL MORE THAN ENOUGH TO END YOUR EVIL!” 

The next spell that All For One resolved to learn was one that silenced others. He was never going to get to give his speech at this rate. 

“Always wear your PPE: it could save your life!” 

“Safety is a team effort: let’s all work together to make Nazarick a safe working environment.”

“We do not discriminate based on race, class, or gender. Nazarick is an equal opportunity employer oppressor.”

Nodding to herself, Aqua put the cap back on her sharpie and turned back to the group, who were sitting around a very ordinary looking office table inside a room lit with crystals that gave off an ambiance similar to fluorescent bulbs. There was a very traumatized group of goblins who were anxiously serving coffee to the group seated around the table, while Tanya glared daggers at them. 

“We should have simply disposed of them. In a situation like this, the articles of war do not require you to take prisoners of war,” Tanya grumbled. “We are behind enemy lines and do not have the capacity to properly guard them.”

“We would not be heroes if we simply killed our foes because they were inconvenient,” Tokoyami stated.

“Eh, I agree with short and blonde! Let me mess ‘em up!” Dark Shadow said, making the goblins cringe further. 

“We’re just janitors from the village!” a tubby one with grizzled stubble wailed. “Don’t kill us, Miss Godslayer! We’re not even fighters!” 

“We’re not killing anyone we don’t have to,” Izuku agreed, accepting a cup of coffee. He sniffed it, then took a swallow.

“What if they try to poison us? This tastes like warmed-up shit,” Bakugo complained, leaning back in his own chair and sipping at his drink. 

“That’s what we keep telling Lord Cocytus, but he says that the workplace coffee is Lady Albedo’s domaine, and she’s too scary to ask for better!” one of the goblin’s complained. “She won’t even give us our 15 minute breaks, or our paid lunches!” 

Tanya suddenly sat up straight. “She what? But I clearly laid out in the employee handbook that those would increase worker efficiency! Did she not even read my managerial memos!?”

“Yeah, some of the guys tried to unionize a few weeks back. But Lord Demiurge found out about it, and uh…let’s just say the hand bags he gave us made of their skins sent a pretty clear message,” a goblin explained. 

“Nevermind. We clearly need to bring up these employee’s concerns with upper management. Combine that with the fact that the fire extinguisher hasn’t been serviced in three years, and I strongly suspect that no one has been reading my emails,” Tanya grumbled.

Visha put her head in her hands. “Major, I love you dearly, but what about a medieval dungeon makes you think that they even HAVE email?!”

“I set everyone up with accounts,” Tanya said testily. “Lord Ainz even responds to mine regularly, as does Demiurge. We have very productive meetings over Scry Glass every second Tuesday.”

“I think maybe the fact that we’re here to murder them all for being evil monsters is a bit more important than them not reading your emails,” Kazuma said dryly.

Tanya fixed him with a glare that said that there was absolutely nothing more important in the world than following proper procedure in responding to workplace memos in a timely fashion, when Izuku interrupted. 

“That’s what we need to focus on. We can catch our breath for a few more minutes, but we have to get to the bottom level and destroy the Lord of the Tomb as quick as we can. Even now, our friends are back on Earth fighting for their lives against Nazarick’s forces!” 

“Now that we have access to the maintenance shafts I had installed, navigating around will be much faster. We can take an express elevator all the way down,” Tanya said, pointing to a map on the table. 

“Can’t they just block the elevator shaft?” Uraraka asked, frowning at the map.

Tanya looked at her in horror. “But that would be against fire code!” 

Everyone stared at her in utter bafflement, before turning back to the map. “Let’s just assume that the elevator shaft is either going to be booby-trapped or completely inaccessible,” Chris said, then pointed to another section. “However, this right here…this would let us skip down a couple of floors if we can get through it.” 

Kazuma peered at the map and frowned. “Looks tight. If I was going to set an ambush, that’s where I’d do it.” 

“Better than the elevator shaft, or trying to slog through three floors. Plus, I hate lava levels. I always chafe,” Chris complained. 

“It’s risky, but I agree the obvious elevator shaft is a bad idea,” Iris said, looking over the map. “Though frankly, this seems much worse than a little chafing from lava.”

“It won’t be a problem, we have the Goddess of Toilets with us,” Kazuma said with a smirk.

“Hey! I’m the goddess of WATER, not toilets!” Aqua protested. She wrinkled her nose and frowned at the map. “I don’t like the idea of going through a smelly sewer.”

“But it’s our best shot,” Izuku said. “Let’s get moving. We don’t have much time.”

“Sure as shit not worth sticking around for the coffee,” Bakugo said, standing. He cracked his knuckles, little explosions popping off as he grinned at the cowering goblins. “Well, what do we do with these guys?” 

Yunyun waved her hand, and chanted, “Sleep!” Immediately, all the goblins slumped to the floor, snoring loudly. “T-there. Now we don’t have to kill them all!”

“I wouldn’t think my rival would be so tenderhearted towards mere goblins. Still, it’s a practical solution,” Megumin huffed, and Yunyun beamed at her. 

“I-I for one look forward to crawling through a filthy sewer! Allow me to go first!” Darkness said eagerly. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. We have very strict sanitation procedures. Though we will need to worry about the flesh eating cockroaches, even with Kyouhukou dead,” Tanya said with a sigh. 

The entrance to the sewers turned out to be both clearly marked, and have a closet full of protective equipment next to it that Tanya insisted they take time to put on. “If you get sick from a lack of proper protective gear, you won’t be able to fight Ainz at all.”

“On the one hand, that makes sense. On the other, it feels really stupid,” Sero sighed as he put on the rubber boots and plastic overcoat, along with the breath mask.

With everyone kitted out, they entered into the narrow passage, with a whining Aqua going second, right after a rather excited Darkness. 

“But it smells so bad!” Aqua complained. “I’m going to get all stinky and slimy! I hate that!” 

“Well gee, if only we had a powerful water goddess to clean it up and make it smell nice!” Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. 

Aqua raised a finger, then tilted her head to one side. Then she went red behind her mask. “Hey! That’s not very nice!”

“What’s not very nice is wearing this outfit, it’s hot and uncomfortable! Make with the purification!” Kazuma urged. 

“Hmph.” Aqua turned around, peering into the disgusting looking large pipe they were beside, where sewage was pumped from the lower levels to the water treatment facility by the cockroahes. Grimacing, she put her gloved hands on the pipe. “Purification! Purification! Purification!” 

“So, how long do you think it will take?” Izuku asked, looking around the cramped space nervously. They couldn’t even all fit inside the shaft without several members having to climb down towards the lower levels along the access tunnel. 

“Well, it took her a day to purify a lake full of alligators, but honestly I think it depends on how motivated she is,” Kazuma said with a shrug. 

“Motivated, huh?” Bakugo said, frowning at Aqua.

“Katsuki…” Iris said with a warning tone. 

“What? I wasn’t going to-”

“Senpai, look! A cockroach!” Chris suddenly cried. 

“AAHHH WHERE?!” Aqua shrieked, jumping back.

Chris stepped forward, then jammed her magic dagger into the pipe and ripped a giant hole into it. Instantly, a stream of putrid effluent began to gush out, coating Aqua first. Everyone did have protective gear on, but it was still absolutely disgusting. 

“AAAHHH! GREATER SACRED PURIFICATION!” Aqua screamed. A moment later, the sewage had become sparkling clean water, and even the stench had gone, replaced by the wholesome smell of fresh soap. 

“Oops, my mistake,” Chris said, pulling off her mask and grinning. “But would you look at that! You cleaned all the sewer water!”

“ARRGH!” Aqua screamed, and tried to tackle Chris. The silver haired goddess stuck her tongue out, then slipped down the ladder, leaving Aqua to slip and fall on the wet walkway. 

“Huh. You know, I wouldn’t have thought Chris the type,” Uraraka mused. “But it does seem to have solved our little issue.” 

“Nice work, Goddess of Toilets,” Kazuma said, bending down and picking Aqua up. “Now come on, we’ve got a big bad evil guy to slay.”

“H-how could Eris do that to me!? She’s my junior!” Aqua sniveled as Uraraka began to slap everyone, allowing them to easily float down to the bottom of the shaft. 

“Maybe someone will think twice before she mentions pads again!” Chris called up. “Besides, I’m Chris the Thief right now, and she doesn’t have to respect Eris’ Senior!” 

Growling, Aqua waited for Uraraka to touch her, then darted after Eris down the shaft. Izuku shrugged, and followed after her, heading down to the very heart of Nazarick.