A Very Merry Unbirthday, Part II

After leaving a letter in Chris' mailbox, the thief was never around  these days, Megumin spent the rest of the day helping Aqua with the  party preparation, checking on Kazuma's progress with the games, making  sure Wiz got the cake right, and figuring out the catering with  Darkness. She even had time to check in on Yunyun, and have their daily  competition.

"It's not fair, you're a higher level then me,"  Yunyun panted, her arm flat on the table after Megumin had once more  defeated her at arm wrestling.

"That's because I got a massive  level boost from blowing up the entirety of the Devil King's army with  all that lovely manatite Kazuma got me, proving the superiority of  Explosion magic once and for all by single handedly defeating the Devil  King's army!" Megumin cackled.

"I was there too, you know," Yunyun  grumbled. "I had to protect you once the manatite ran out and the rest  of the army attacked."

"I suppose." Megumin paused, thinking of  something. There had been someone else with them at that final battle.  "Yunyun, hypothetically, would you consider that guy with the cursed  sword to be a friend?"

"You mean Sir Mitsurugi?" Yunyun asked, frowning as she massaged her arm.

"Yes,  him," Megumin agreed, wincing and flexing. She'd have to start level  grinding again: Yunyun was getting stronger by the day and it wasn't  fair that she was so much more naturally physically talented than her.  It was probably all those years where Megumin had skipped PE and Yunyun  had been dumb enough to actually exercise. Levels and stats could only  let you cheat for so long.

"Well…" Yunyun blushed and looked down.  "I suppose if no one else were around to be my friend…I'd probably try  and talk to Fio or Clemea instead."

That took Megumin aback. "Who?"

"You know, the two girls who go around with Mitsurugi?" Yunyun prompted. "They're always together."

"I just called them Thing 1 and Thing 2 like Kazuma does," Megumin admitted. "How they can stand the creep, I don't know."

"Yeah,  he got them both pregnant. They were talking about murdering him or  each other, but for some reason he was able to talk them down," Yunyun  sighed. "They're both still convinced he's going to pick one of them…"

"If  Kazuma ever tried that, I would castrate him myself, then turn Darkness  into a toad or something," Megumin said with conviction.

"You know he's head over heels for you, Megumin. H-he's a jerk, but, um, well…so are you. I don't think he'll cheat on you."

"YOU  TAKE THAT BACK! I AM NOT A JERK!" Megumin snarled, and jumped across  the table and put Yunyun into an arm bar. Iris and Darkness were good  friends: Both of them had shown Megumin all sorts of interesting ways to  hurt people.

"Be at the mansion tomorrow at 4pm," Megumin stated,  letting the whimpering Yunyun up after she'd apologized and admitted  Megumin wasn't a jerk.

"O-oh! Are…are we going to celebrate my birthday?" Yunyun asked hopefully.

"No,  don't be dumb. We'll just have our daily competition. Maybe I'll let  you stay and hang out for a little while before you go home. If you're  nice, you can stay for dinner," Megimin informed her.

"Oh, well…a nice dinner with friends is good too," Yunyun sighed, and they parted ways.

Megumin  should have reminded Yunyun they weren't friends, but she was too busy  thinking of all the things she had to do for her best friend's birthday  party the next day, and had forgotten.

The day of the party dawned  cold but clear, and Megumin spent most of the day in the kitchen with  Darkness, cooking up a storm. Everything had to be just perfect, and she  didn't really trust the rich girl to know how to cook properly. Still,  things seemed to turn out acceptably, even though Megumin had to duck  out to check on Kazuma setting up the party games, or Aqua setting the  table and finishing up the decorations.

"Don't worry, everything  will be great for Yunyun's birthday!" Aqua said, leaning over on her  ladder as she hung up the giant banner. It was decorated with red and  yellow flowers along the border, and had a chibi drawing of a smiling  Yunyun at the center. It read "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNYUN'' in carefully  formed letters.

"Hmph. You got the banner wrong, it's not her  birthday," Megumin snorted. Before Aqua could tear down the banner in  frustration, she added, "Good work, get it hung up and ready. The guests  will start arriving soon."

At precisely 2pm, a floating carriage  pulled by a full team of lizard runners in royal regalia pulled up to  the mansion. A tall woman with short blonde hair, save for a lock dyed  purple, jumped out, holding the door open, then helping down the  occupant.

"I don't see why we are here, your Royal Highness,"  Claire muttered as the Princess of Belzerg exited the carriage.  "Whatever that insufferable man needed, we could have summoned him to  the castle. Where he can be properly supervised."

"It's not for  Kazuma that we have come, Claire, but rather for another dear friend,"  Iris said, stepping dainty down, one hand clutching her skirts. She  spotted Megumin and Kazuma, who were waiting for her atop the steps.

"Whatup  Boss and Big Bro! Iris in the hizouse! We gonna rock this joint for our  homies B-Day Bash! This party will be totally poggies!"

Claire groaned, putting her head in her hands. "Lady Iris, please do not talk in such a manner…"

"Yo, chillax Suit," Kazuma said, grinning smugly at Claire. "We'll keep it on the downlow."

"I  tots got some special drip for the party," Iris said as another woman  exited the carriage, giving Claire a pat on the shoulders. "Yo, Rain!  Hit me up with my new threads!"

"Of course, Lady Iris," Rain said, handing a bundle of clothing to Iris.

"That ain't my handle tonight. I just Alice, the chillest Dawg in Axel. Right boss?"

"Of course, my sister in thieving," Megumin agreed. "Tonight, you shall be incognito!"

"Why? Why has my adorable princess been so corrupted?" Claire sobbed.

"Just scram you two," Kazuma said, making a shooing motion.

"No!"  Megumin slapped down Kazuma's hand, glaring at him. "Yunyun considers  Claire and Rain to be her friends as well, so they're also invited!"

"Yeah, just make like a bread truck with the carriage," Iris ordered.

Claire looked up, confused. "Make like a bread truck? What does that even mean?"

Iris  paused. "Uh…" She turned to Kazuma. "Um, Big Bro, what does 'make like a  bread truck' mean? I know it means to depart with haste, but…from  whence does this metaphor originate?"

"You know, because of what a bread truck does," Kazuma said, a wide grin spreading over his face.

"Supply the army with provisions?" Iris asked, clearly confused.

"Deliver from the bakery?" Claire guessed.

Megumin sighed. "Something gross."

Kazuma's grin reached maximum smugness. "Haul buns."

Megumin  and Iris both burst out giggling, while Claire gasped. "YOU PERVERT!  HOW DARE YOU CORRUPT HER MAJESTY! LET GO OF ME, RAIN! I'LL DO IT THIS  TIME! I'LL ACTUALLY KILL THAT SICK BASTARD!"

"Claire!" Iris gasped, putting a hand to her lips. "How could you use such coarse language?"

Claire  looked horrified, then went beat red. She hastily directed the carriage  to the stables, looking utterly ashamed, to the point that she  scrambled up and retreated in disarray with the driver.

"Oh dear. I  suppose I'd best sort her out before the party," Rain sighed. She  brightened. "We brought several packages! Where should I put the  presents?"

"There are no presents, because Yunyun ISN'T having a birthday!" Megumin declared angrily.

"Put all the presents in the guest bedroom, we'll bring them out after dinner," Kazuma explained.

"Er…very well." Rain trotted off to calm Claire down, while Iris and Megumin dissolved into more giggles.

"Did you see her face?" Megumin laughed, shaking her head.

Iris scrunched her face up in horror. "She realized what she had done, and then it was like YEET and flew away!"

A  few minutes later, Arue, Nerimaki, Dodonko, and Funifura arrived, along  with Komekko who was bundled up in a miniature version of Megumin's  Snow Gremlin outfit, though hers was black, just like Komekko's heart.

"BIG SIS!" Komekko shrieked when they got close, breaking away from the group and sprinting up the steps.

Megumin hugged her sister close, smiling down at her. "You're getting bigger every day."

"Yep!  Thanks to all that money ya got from killin' the Devil King, I get lots  of food now!" Komekko said happily. She poked Megumin's belly,  frowning. "Are you getting fat too?"

"I am eating adequately, do not fear," Megumin assured Komekko.

Komekko shook her head. "No, I mean, did ya get a baby in your belly yet?"

"Komekko!" Megumin cried in strangled tones, going beat red. "I-I am not-"

"She's probably on the potion," Funifura said as the others climbed up the steps.

Dodonko shook her head. "Nah, she's just not gone all the way yet. I told you, she has to have better taste in men than THAT."

"Nah, she's just finally confessed her feelings for Yunyun, or will during her birthday party!" Nerimaki said excitedly.

"No! Kazuma and I are- WE ARE THAT CLOSE! I just…I'm not pregnant, OK Komekko?!" Megumin snapped.

"'Kay. I wanna be the big sis soon so hurry it up OK?" Komekko said.

"Mother put you up to this, didn't she?" Megumin said darkly.

"Uh huh. I like Kazuma but I think it would be icky to have a baby in your belly," Komekko said. "Where's the food?"

"There's tea and snacks inside, but don't spoil your appetite, we're having dinner soon," Megumin ordered.

"YAY!" Komekko ran inside with the other girls, but Arue paused.

"I  must interview you soon," Arue said, drawing out a long brush and  taking out her notebook. "I shall chronicle the tale of the daring  Crimson Demon girl who took down the Devil King."

Megumin brightened at that. "Yes, I can tell you of my heroic exploits, and how my Mastery of Explosion Magic allowed me to-"

"And  of course, the tempestuous love triangle between yourself, Sir Kauzma,  and Lady Darkness. Tell me, does he take you one at a time, or both at  the same time? Do you and she ever lie together as passionate lovers as  well, or-"

"RAAAGHHH!" Megumin seized the notebook and brush, and  tossed both into a snowback. Arue danced away as Megumin tried to kick  her in the shins. "If you weren't Yunyun's friend, and if it wasn't not  her birthday, I would murder you then send you home, you filthy minded  slanderer!"

"I do not speak slander!" Arue declared. "Besides, it's in print, so-"

"So help me, if you tell me it's libel not slander because it's print, I will blow up your house."

"Could  you? I've been thinking of redecorating, and to have my house destroyed  in such a glorious fashion by the woman who defeated the Devil King  would be quite novel," Arue mused.

Megumin stopped trying to kick her old school friend in the shins. "Sure, want me to come by next week Thursday?"

"Yes,  I'll have some manatite, a few others would like to redecorate for the  spring as well, and it would be a much more dramatic backstory to have  you blow it up than to do it ourselves."

After that, Wiz and Vanir arrived, a dozen little dolls bearing a massive covered cake.

"Why  hello there, young lady who is perpetually sexually frustrated because  she wears the pants in her relationship but wishes her lazy pervert of a  man to take charge, despite him being nothing but an out of work  wastrel," Vanir called, bowing to Megumin.

"I haven't done my Explosion for the day," Megumin said in dire tones. "I could blow you up myself."

"Ah,  but then, you would ruin this fine cake, would you not?" Vanir cackled.  "And the pathetic shopkeeper who labored over this instead of her own  business would be so pained to see her creation so desecrated."

"I'll take it to the kitchen, Megumin," Wiz said, smiling. "Oh, hello, Aqua."

"SACRED-" Aqua began, pointing a finger at Vanir.

"Stop it!" Megumin said, grabbing Aqua and clamping a hand over her mouth. "Not while his golems are carrying the cake!"

"Hmph. I knew something smelled rotten," Aqua growled. "You're not letting a filthy demon like that into the party, are you?"

"Yunyun  thinks he's her buddy or something because she works at his dumb  store," Megumin grumbled. "So he's not invited because this isn't her  birthday party."

"MWAHAHAAH! Oh, such wonderful confused emotions!  Such exquisite despair! Surely, adolescence is the time when humans  produce the most succulent of fruit!" Vanir cackled. He leaned in close  as the cake tray was carried off by Wiz and the golems. "Tell me, O girl  who's temper is even more explosive than the gag magic she uses: do the  others still know thou art still a maiden?"

"Wiz, grab the cake," Megumin said, letting Aqua go. "Aqua?"

"Yes?" Aqua asked, glaring daggers at Vanir, who was hooting and spriting off into the mansion.

"Sic 'em."

"GOD BLOW!"

"OH-HO-HO-HO! Too slow, O annoying goddess of party favors and diseased minds! Can you even cast a simple spell?"

"SACRED EXORCISM! GOD BLOW! SACRED CREATE-"

"DAMMIT AQUA NOT IN THE HOUSE!" Kazuma shouted from off in the back.

A  short time later, another Crimson Demon strolled up to the mansion,  whistling and bearing a brightly wrapped gift. He spied Megumin and  waved, hurrying up the steps.

"Why if it isn't the Legendary  Hero!" Hiropon, current Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan, laughed.  "Thanks for organizing a special party for Yunyun, and reminding me."

"You forget every year," Megumin growled, clenching her fists. "How could you? She's your only daughter."

Hiropon's expression fell, and he sighed. "Yes, well…you kept me out of the bottle this year. After all it's also…"

"Oh." Megumin flinched. "I can…see why you'd be so forgetful. Did you…?"

"Earlier  today," Hiropon said quietly, wiping away a tear. "Both of us did." He  put a hand on Megumin's shoulder. "Thank you. She could use a friend or  two today."

"Yes sir," Megumin said with a nod. "I'll make sure it's a good birthday. Even if it isn't, because it's not a leap year."

"Ha ha! I'll make sure to tease her because she's only three and three quarters still! I'll just pop inside."

Hiropon  swaggered off, and Megumin ducked into the kitchen, where Darkness and  Wiz were working together to put the last touches on the meal.

"Is  it time?" Darkness asked, wiping her hands on her apron. She had on a  white one over her black bodysuit, with her hair tied up in a tight bun.

"Go get changed, but not yet. Just…keep Hiropon away from the booze, alright?" Megumin said quietly.

"Oh? Whatever for?" Wiz asked, coming over.

"It's personal," Megumin sniffed. "Just…don't let him drink more than a glass or two at dinner. Yunyun either."

"Very  well, I trust you," Darkness agreed, reaching up and letting her hair  loose. Megumin glared. She could have had long beautiful hair like that  if she wanted, it was just too much of a bother. "I'll just go change  into my party dress."

"I'll set the rest of the things out, you go get her dear," Wiz assured Megumin.

Megumin passed Dust, Rin, and Faitfor on the way in, the last of the invited guests.

"Hi Megumin," Faitfor said shyly, hiding behind Dust. "Um, is it OK if I'm here? People don't usually like dragons at parties…"

"Crimson  Demons are not dull and pedestrian. We enjoy having real dragons at our  celebrations," Megumin said. Though she didn't mention it was usually  as target practice, not as a guest. "Besides, you do look cute in that  new dress, and Komekko could use someone her own age to play with."

"OK!" Faitfor said happily, and skipped inside.

"You know she's like, a hundred years old or something, right?" Dust asked as Megumin left.

"Hush, she's the perfect age to play with Komekko," Rin said. "Going to get Yunyun?'

"Yes, tell everyone to hide and turn the lights off," Megumin ordered. "Since this isn't a birthday party."

"Are  you still on that?" Dust demanded. "Look, I don't get it. Is this a  party or not?! Because if it isn't, I'm going back to the guild to drink  and-"

"Hush, Dust. We'll let them know, Megumin," Rin assured.

Megumin  hurried across town, and caught Yunyun just as she was leaving her  boarding house. She was dressed up more than usual, in a pink, furlined  dress with a matching coat. "M-Meguin? Oh no, i-is the dinner canceled?"

"No, I was just coming to make sure you're not late," Megumin huffed. "Now come on. I'm hungry."

"Oh…should we have our contest here instead?" Yunyun asked timidly. "I don't want to be a bother…"

"No." Megumin took Yunyun's hand, making the other girl blush. "Don't get any ideas, I have a boyfriend."

"Um, I know, I just…"

"Good.  I didn't want you to be alone today," Megumin said. The two of them set  off, the sky dimming overhead as the short winter day drew to a close.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, until Yunyun whispered, "Thank you…even if…even if we aren't friends."

"We're  not. But…I wouldn't leave even my enemy alone on the anniversary of her  mother's death," Megumin said, giving Yunyun's hand a squeeze.

Yunyun  gave her a sad smile. "Thanks. It's…it's more my dad that's sad,  though. I'm just glad he wasn't drinking today when we visited her  grave…"

Megumin nodded, and they walked quietly for a little while longer. At last she asked, "You don't miss her?"

"How could I? I never knew her," Yunyun said quietly. "She died the same day I was born."

Feeling  her throat tighten, Megumin just nodded. They walked for several  minutes, until they got close to the mansion. Then, Megumin let go of  Yunyun's hand, and covered her eyes.

"M-Megumin!" Yunyun gasped. "What are you doing!?"

"Hush. Just walk forward. Don't peek," Megumin ordered.

"What, why!?"

"It's part of our contest for the day. If you fail, you forfeit your dessert."

"Oh. Ok…I had hoped…"

"What!? What did you hope!?"

"Nothing…"

Megumin  guided Yunyun up the stairs, past the second giant banner Aqua had  draped, showing a smiling Megumin and Yunyun with party hats on that  said "WELCOME FRIENDS AND PARTY GUESTS."

Stupid useless goddess.  Ruining Megumin's plan. This wasn't some stupid surprise party. This was  just an accidental gathering of people that happened to take place  today.

"Alright," Megumin growled once they were inside. "You need to understand something before I take away my eyes."

"What?" Yunyun asked.

"It's not your birthday."

"I-I know…only on leap years…"

"This isn't a birthday party."

"Huh?"

"Are you ready, Aqua?"

"Ready!" Aqua said excitedly, hurrying over and putting a hat on Megumin's head, then scampering back to her spot.

"Very well. On three."

"Megumin? What's happening?" Yunyun asked nervously.

"One."

"M-Megumin! Don't use Explosion, I-I don't want to get my dress dirty!"

"A true Crimson Demon is ready to Explode at any time! Two."

"B-but we're inside! Don't blow up your house!"

"Fool,  this is just a rental. Besides, I could just make you summon a golem to  rebuild it. Now remember, we're not friends, and this isn't a party."

"What?"

"THREE!"

Megumin removed her hands and lept back, and everyone pulled their party poppers at once, spraying the air with confetti.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNYUN!" Everyone shouted.

Yunyun just stood there, blinking as the confetti floated down through the air, everyone she knew and loved grinning at her.

"Yunyun? Are you OK?" Aqua asked, holding out a party hat. "I got one for you too…"

In response, Yunyun sank to her knees, and started bawling uncontrollably, hiding her face in her hands as she shook with sobs.

Everyone  crowded around, until Megumin slapped at them and shouted, "EVERYONE  BACK! GO TO THE DINING ROOM! EVERYONE BUT HIROPON! OUT, OUT!"

"N-no,  it's ok," Yunyun stammered, struggling to her feet with her fathers  help. She dabbed at her eyes with the hankie that Iris handed her, the  princess looking concerned. "I just…I just…I'm so happy…I've never…I've  never had a birthday before."

"Well you're not getting one now,"  Megumin huffed. "These idiots just all happened to come here at the same  time. I guess we'll have to feed them."

Yunyun blinked, then  switched from crying to hysterical laughter. She threw her arms about  Megumin, clinging to her friend and laughing until she cried.

"Well,  you don't have to make such a big deal out of it," Megumin grumbled.  Then she hugged Yunyun back. "Happy Birthday, my best friend."

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Yunyun gasped, hiccuping between giggles.

"And if you ever tell ANYONE that we're friends, I'll kill you," Megumin hissed.

Yunyun stepped back, blowing her nose and wiping her eyes. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good."  Megumin led Yunyun off to the dining room. "I'd hate for anyone to  think I was actually friends with a friendless loser like you."

Yunyun sat down, looking around at all the grinning faces around her. She smiled. "Yeah…w-wouldn't want anyone to think that…"

Megumin smiled. "Good, glad we understand each other. Now, ready everyone? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR YUNYUN~!"