1.16.24 Alone, Not Lonely

I had a pretty specific vision of what it would be like to move back home. I think I was expecting people to want to be around me more, because I wanted to be around them more.

What I came to realize is while I was gone for 9 years, everyone else was still here. Me, coming back, eager to make up for lost time, doesn’t translate the same for them.

At least that’s what I’ll continue to remind myself to keep the crazies from creeping in 😛

No, really, it’s actually cool. It was really intense at first- I definitely was craving more company and support during the transition. Now that I’m a little more settled in, I feel very content and comfortable. I see family a few times a month for extended periods of time. It’s really, really great to be able to just spend an entire day with family. It’s awesome to have my sisters bring my nieces and nephew over.

Looking far into the future is interesting. My two older sisters have their babies, and by the time I start having kids (God willing? Me willing?), their kids will be a lot older. So my babies will be the tiniest babies.

But I have 4 younger siblings too. One of them has a serious long term boyfriend. She could have a baby before me! And then the other 3 siblings over time too. That’s a lot of babies!

It’s just cool. I don’t have any first cousins. My mom is an only child and my dad is the only one of his brothers to have kids. My kids (God willing? Me willing?) will have like, a billion first cousins.

And it’s just like… SO far in the future too. My brother is 15, my other sister is 17, the other is 19, and the oldest is only 21. If they’re having babies into their early to mid thirties, that’s another 15 years of babies.

That’s a very cool aspect of family that I didn’t really experience too much yet, outside of my siblings. There’s always like… A NEW PERSON. A WHOLE ENTIRE PERSON. I have nieces and nephews that haven't been conceived yet! Someday I’ll have great nieces and great nephews. Someday I might have kids AND THOSE KIDS MIGHT HAVE KIDS.

One thing is ~for definite.~ I have so, so glad I don’t have kids yet. I am SO, SO, SO grateful that I still have this time to myself. I had so much to figure out and heal before bringing life into this world. I know that before this point, I would not have had the focus or patience to be a good mom. I still need a little time, and I’m VERY GRATEFUL to have it.

I’m grateful for all the relationships up to this point. I’m grateful for financial security and the opportunities I’ve gotten to live so far. I’m grateful that in this transition, I only have myself to worry about.

Oh, and the cats. I’m always, always grateful for them. My little test babies. The responsibility before the responsibility.

The hiring sitters. The picky-eating. The sacrifice. The cleaning up after somebody else. The cleaning up after myself, FOR somebody else. The emergency vet runs just to find out it’s not ringworm, it’s just a scratch.

The time out to cuddle. The stopping what I’m doing because one of them wants my attention. The balance of giving them both my love when one of them is demanding more of it.

God’s design. I’m so sure of it.

Life is so much easier when I trust God’s timing; to provide and to protect.

Nothing that is for me will miss me. The only thing to fear is God and I’m on His team.

Just needed to take a moment to remind myself-

I’m in a really good spot. A great spot. Blessed beyond measure. Ready for whatever God has for me, however he chooses to use me.

Happy! :)