12.21.23 Thank You

I remembered the pain today. The days, weeks, months I had to lay on the bathroom floor because I was too weak to stand. The days I wouldn’t have left bed if it weren’t for Freddie and Radio crying for me to get up and feed them. I remembered the day I called the suicide hotline. I thought of every sleepless night and empty sob. I remembered screaming so hard into pillows that I sprained my chest and dislocated my collar bones. I remembered catching my reflection after days of avoiding the mirror and not recognizing myself. I remembered when I woke up twenty pounds lighter. I remembered all these things and so many more, and I praised you, my God. My friend. My savior and protector. The light in the dark, the Love in the loneliness.

This morning I woke up feeling discontent. I laid on the ground and cried a little. I sort of wasted the day around, paced a bit. Moped.

I drove to my sister’s house for a gingerbread decorating party with my siblings, nieces and nephew. As I was pulling up to the driveway, a song played that took me back to that time. That song, as I doubled over in the bathroom and cried on the floor. As I sat in front of the mirror and cried. As I danced in front of the mirror and laughed.

I remembered you finding me there, physically holding me in all my pain, squeezing the broken pieces back together. Calling me back home.

I am home. You are Home.

I’m grateful I remembered today, the pain and fear. It reminded me how far I’ve come in only a year, how far you’ve brought me.

I hope that pain never fully leaves me. I pray that while I continue to heal that the scars are left behind. I want the scars, I wear them proudly. I look at them and I remember how you saved me, the scars you wear for me.

I’m overtaken, overwhelmed by your Love, the magnitude of You. Humbled before you, my knees weak in your presence. 

Thank you, Lord, for letting in the pain, for leading me back Home, back to You.