10.14.23 Candles

There’s a moment in time that comes up again and again. When I light a candle, usually.

I can’t remember the exact situation, but I remember the way it hit me. I felt embarrassed. I felt sad. I felt weirdly ashamed.

I can’t remember if the candle was already lit, or if it was being lit. I said something along the lines of, “Why are you lighting the candles?” Or maybe even something about wasting candles.

My boyfriend at the time, my ex now, looked at me in what (to me, at least) felt like disgust. He said, “You don’t need to have people coming over to light a candle.”

Immediately, I was embarrassed. What I heard him saying was that I was cheap. That’s a very hot word for me. There’s a lot of shame around growing up poor. Wearing off-brand shoes and clothes when everyone is wearing Hollister and Abercrombie. Waiting til everyone else got their lunch at school first so no one would see me getting mine for free. Some things were just for special occasions… like lighting candles.

Candles cost money, and they’re only to be used if you’re trying to impress someone else. Never should you light one just for YOU to enjoy… that would be a waste.

Ah… how sad. That’s how unworthy I felt. Not even worth a candle.

Now, a few years out, I realize how HE must have felt. HE wasn’t even worth a candle. I put so much more effort into making my home a cozy environment for others, but not him. Internally, I knew he wasn’t the one, and truthfully, I didn’t care to make him feel special. I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth.

He didn't make me feel special.

When I meet the man who will be my husband (God willing), I’ll remember to go the extra inch. The mile isn’t needed every day, a bunch of inches add up to a mile. Just a cozy candle. Some of his favorite snacks.

I never liked flowers. So expensive. And then they died. I didn’t think I was worthy. But I actually do like flowers. Fresh flowers, living plants… they’re really nice to look at. You can change them up so there’s always something special in your space. They’re fragrant. They’re thoughtful when given regularly. 

I think that would be a nice thing. Every couple weeks, if finances allow (God willing), to be given a new set of flowers. Yes, they’re overpriced. But they’re beautiful. God’s arts and crafts.

Those little things matter. I hope I get massages too. I hope my husband loves giving massages and hates getting them LOLOLOL <3

Candles & flowers & massages. What a cliche. Can’t wait.