[Short Story] Jimmy The Henchman

<—Okay! Ah, what was your name again? Ah, [Jimmy]. Anyway, [Jimmy], welcome to the behind-the-scenes action that makes all those crazy death rays and mutant monsters an epic tale instead of a horrible disaster. After all, the point of making a laser capable of destroying the world isn’t to actually use it! Rather, to prove you can do it and have people pay you to not use it. Sort of like how the government subsidizes farms to leave fields fallow.

And you? You’re now a part of the support who makes sure not only is said doomsday laser operational, but also that it doesn’t go off unintentionally. After all, our stuff is on this planet.

Now, your specific tasks will vary day to day depending on the current project and whether we expect any meddling superheroes to show up and so I’ll now be handing you off to one of your new coworkers!>

And the lights come back on in the room as the educational video reaches the end. Jimmy glances around, but there doesn’t seem to be any—

From behind the projector screen steps a guy wearing the iconic purple and silver jumpsuit, similar to the one Jimmy is wearing. Except the guy’s suit has more silver highlights and is much more wrinkled.

The guy looks down at his clipboard, “Okay Jimmy, the introduction tape should have hit on most of the major points. So we’ll only have to go over the site-specific warnings. Which are important, so let me say right off the bat. Magma is hot enough to kill you and if something is glowing, don’t touch it unless a higher-up directly orders it.

“And to note, direct means direct. No orders by proxy or walky. Superheroes have previously broken their rules to bring to heel those like us. Dr. Moonshot does not want to be the next Red Caesar! Now please, follow me. For this first day, you’re scheduled to do laundry.” And the man in the rumpled suit smiles, as if this was a kindness.

Jimmy takes this as face value, never having been the best at reading expressions. Which means he misses the glint of evil hiding just below the surface.

They walk through concrete hallways, accented only by chrome and insert vents. The occasional fellow henchpeople would pass them by, mostly in pairs. All except one were wearing the same jumpsuit as Jimmy. At each intersection, there is a purple sign with a series of reflective silver dots.

“These aren’t some specific code.” The man pointed at the sign over the third intersection the pair came across. “Rather, each location has its own unique pattern and you’re expected to memorize the pattern for places you are assigned to. Laundry is simple enough. Just three dots in an inverted triangle.

“We suspect the three dots are meant to represent the three steps of laundry at this base.” The man holds up three fingers and ticks each down as he lists out the steps. “Neutralize. Clean. And Dry.” The man then walks down the hallway with the proper sign.

They are soon in a moderately sized rocky cavern. Hanging from the ceiling are bare metal catwalks, upon which are placed enormous lights. Some of which have diffusers, though on more than a few the diffuser is either knocked off kilter or completely missing.

Jimmy tears his eyes away from the mess above and looks at the room proper. Which is a bit more organized, though the crowds of henchpeople rushing around certainly don’t seem it. As for the equipment, there are giant industrial, maybe even bigger than that, washing machines. Though they only take up a quarter of the floor space. Strange lab equipment takes up the rest of the space.

The man gestures at said equipment. “That is where the Neutralize step will be handled. Most clothes won’t necessarily Need the step. However, operating procedures are to test everything no matter what.

“Don’t worry, the Doctor isn’t expecting us to know the difference between a slime mold, acid, and a superhero’s incapacitating glue. There is a tinker-tech tester, which catches over 99% of the contaminants and will allow you to sort the clothes for further neutralization.

“Now, the best way to learn is to do. Don’t touch anything directly until it has been scanned. Just wheel the cart of laundry under the sensor right”, he points at a large janky device hanging from the catwalks, “there and wait for the yellow light to turn red or green. If green? Bring it to one of the washing machines and start loading.”

Jimmy waits a moment, but the man doesn’t seem to be about to say more, so asks, “What if it turns red?”

The man smiles, “Oh, don’t worry, it will be out of your hands at that point. Someone else will take it. Now, get to work. I’m assigned here for the day as one of the supervisors, so don’t be afraid to ask for help! Now go grab one of the dirty laundry carts and start processing them. The base certainly has more than enough laundry to keep this place hopping.”

Jimmy shrugs and joins the chaotic mess of people to begin work. And yeah, it was basically just laundry. Most carts got the green light. While those that didn’t tends to be pretty obvious.

Good rule of thumb? If there was something glowing or pastel, the cart was likely to get the red light. And the other people in laundry were friendly enough so there wasn’t a fight for who got which cart. It was first come, first serve and you didn’t delay.

The reason for this was witnessed by Jimmy on the fourth day there. A guy five carts ahead of him had grabbed a cart that seemed mostly full of regular, if dirty, uniforms. However, the sensor went red and seemed to irritate the cause of said reaction as one uniform fell into a paste that bubbled up and over the sides, consuming the guy pushing the cart.

Sirens go off and barricades popped up out of the ground. This stopped the spread of the foam. Though everyone stepped away from their carts in worry.

Luckily, nothing else reacted and the laundry room only had to wait five or so minutes for the hazmat team to show up. After which, the pulsing foam was removed from the area and quarantined.

Jimmy would later find out from one of the other laundry henches that normally they show up sooner. They had just been put on standby in case they were needed more elsewhere. Thankfully though, they were able to isolate the person who had worn that suit in the bathroom attached to the person’s sleeping area.

Sadly, whatever super-science containment that foam was caused by had already spread through the henchwoman’s body and so this incident had two deaths to its name. On the next break day, all the henchpeople from that laundry room and the lab where the lady had worked showed up for the funeral.

After that, Jimmy isn’t left in the laundry room. At the end of his first month, they transferred him to a new position, having noticed his generally cheerful disposition. Though more importantly, the lack of reaction he has when pushing around the more obviously contaminated carts. Most people try to keep those further away from them and tend to wheel them around with extra caution. Jimmy treats them all the same.

So they move him to one of the labs. Still as a basic henchman, meaning his job is more about moving stuff around for others. It is just that now, instead of dirty laundry, he’s moving vats of chemicals. Some of which shouldn’t work under normal physics, but that’s par for the course.

Anyway, the lab really likes him because his lack of stress response to wheeling around stuff that can strip the meat off his bones in a moment or turn his skin into flesh-eating acid means he’s actually safer with it. After all, if you’re all tensed up, it is kind of hard to properly control what you’re moving.

Also, he seems likely to last in the long run. While they put in all the safety measures they can, henchpeople die with shocking frequency in the labs. Partly because of the aforementioned meat-stripping chemicals. Though also because in the working labs, Dr. Moonshot has installed a variety of quite deadly traps. Which combined with the almost monthly infiltrations by super heroes means people are dropping like flies.

Just last week, Jimmy saw one of the lazier henchmen try and cut corners, literally, by walking a little bit through another area while transporting a benign chemical. You know, instead of keeping to the path. That guy ended up falling into a pit trap, which ended in a small pool of lava.

That guy, uh, yeah, didn’t get a nice funeral. While the henchpeople are quite close as a team. Those who survive long term aren’t exactly sympathetic to people who die from not doing their jobs right. Jimmy didn’t care and simply kept at his job with enthusiasm.

Which earned him another dubious “promotion” after having been on the job about nine months. The lab was sad to see him go. Though the older scientists, who had been around for a while seemed relieved. Mostly because to them, it just wasn’t natural to be so calm when handling the chemicals they do.

Whatever the case, Jimmy was moved to The Cat Walks. Note the capitalization. These are not just the platforms above the laundry room or what have you. Jimmy’s new position was to patrol the miles of platforms that cover much of the base and some areas around it. In particular, large sections that are literally suspended over the volcano’s lava pool.

Not only is the job general considered too hot and sweaty. But volcanic fumes, especially some of the weird ones that attracted Dr. Moonshot to the location in the first place, could eat through even treated metal with shocking speed. Which made even recently maintained platforms potentially risky.

Jimmy liked the fact that he was outside a lot and got to walk around more. It was a lovely place if you could handle the heat. Not just of the volcano, but the weather in general. This was some sort of tropical island after all, even if from what Jimmy could tell by the stars, it was a little too far south in the southern hemisphere.

The entire island really should have been quite cold! Though yeah, weird science is going to weird. Whatever it was that caused the strange gases and chemicals to be formed in the volcano also contributed to this island being more of a rainforest than it has any right to be! Especially since over the weeks of patrolling, Jimmy rarely saw it actually rain.

So why did he call it a rainforest? Why, because it looked like one! The tall trees, vines, animals, and even the humidity all screamed “rainforest”. Jimmy didn’t know how it worked, wasn’t even certain the scientists knew, but Jimmy didn’t care. He was just happy to walk around and be able to see the rainbow of flowers and strange animals that call this place home.

Even the volcano was beautiful! The walls of the caldera are a spectacular sight. With gases that eat through tinker-tech steel, obviously the only materials that can survive here are special themselves. So whether it is sections of wall that seemed to be turned into glass or minerals sticking out of the wall, they all follow the general trope for super science materials. Neon and pastel colors clash and harmonize.

Oh sure, most people who regularly patrol the volcano end up dead from a surprise burst of gas or some unnatural being snatching them when patrolling the forest. But Jimmy loves the sights and the people. Even better, after being in his new position for only three months, they promoted him to supervisor!

Well, they didn’t give him anyone to supervise. But he did get to wear the fancier uniform and received a raise. Besides, they let him keep wandering around the catwalks. Which was fine by Jimmy! If only the friendships he made on the job would last longer. It seemed most either died or transferred by the second month.