[Archived Short Story] Immortal Retirement?

My father used to say the only two constants of being an emperor was death and paperwork. Then he proved it by dying. Do you know how much paperwork the death of an emperor generates?

I was still wading through it a decade later. You would think having magically binding oaths keeping your empire together would make things so much simpler! But nope, it just means I needed to personally reconfirm every single sovereign entity’s oath.

That meant not just kings or it would have been simple enough. Even in an eternal empire that is spread over a good portion of a mega world, there are only so many kingdoms. No, it meant every single sect, clan, and even individuals who happened to be powerful enough to claim land of their own.

This wasn’t even limited to your classic sapients! We have a sapient swamp kicking around somewhere in the empire. It certainly doesn’t help that any waterway with year-round flowing water and any hill taller than a three-story house will have a wannabe deity or dragon.

At least the dragons have a court of their own. That simplified things a little bit. Only a little though, because of course the empire has to extend beyond just the physical world.

Can’t have a shadow realm just across the veil that you don’t control. Some raiding army could just appear in the middle of your farmland! Border control is a nightmare. I am eternally thankful that there are multiple departments taking care of it. Oh, and each of those departments has more people in it than entire kingdoms.

Not like I was completely free from worry in that regard. During my reign, some demi-god of fire thought it would be clever to make their own heaven instead of just adding onto the fire realm or joining a pantheon. Of course, that idiot got ganked by a fire that burned the cold from outside creation.

That was a nasty invasion when it took over the place and tried to burn the world. If only it was something simply like a fire that burned cold. No, it was a fire that burned the cold. As in, if anything was colder than it, the fire would spread to that thing and “burn” the lower temperature until it matched the fire.

Though speaking of my reign, I’m starting to think my father lied. Sure, he lived a longer life than most, breaking into the four digits, but he died in the end. More than enough people, deities, and so on confirmed that.

Then you have me. I’m not even all that powerful yet here I am, over ten thousand years later, still emperor. Why of the two things did he have to be right about the paperwork?

Not even the deities and legendary beasts know why. The correlation between personal power and lifespan is well known. Whether it is Magic, Qi, Prana, Psionics, Life Force, Elemental Energies, Faith, Loyalty both to others and from others, Soul Power, Pure Strength, Any of the Unknowable Forces from outside creation, Good, Evil, Law, Chaos, Realized Intent, Universals Laws, Pure Illusions, Planetary Power, Deeply Held Oaths, or really anything if properly handled and believed in.

If you gather enough or purify what you have enough, you can live until you either slow down too much in doing so or you are killed. Now, as an emperor of a large enough empire, I was basically assured at least 500 years just from the loyalty being passed up from the people. No refinement required.

My father made 1,000 by training his magic which would be impressive if he wasn’t the emperor. Rank has certain privileges and one of them was having access to various deep secrets. There is a reason those who managed to become the head wizard of the empire never lived less than 300 years, even when appointed purely for political reasons.

Though the fact my father managed to squeeze another couple hundred years out of it, especially since the various powers don’t stack perfectly? Still impressive. Most competent wizards only make it to 200.

As I said, the first 500 years were easy. Though looking back on it, I was suspiciously well preserved, as it were. Looking baseline 30 at 500 isn’t the kind of look an emperor’s loyalty will get you. After all, the power you use will alter your looks.

And what does an emperor’s subjects expect him to look like? Well, it depends on the empire and how they rule, but it generally ends up under the “Wise Elder” category. Most emperors will end up with a head of gray hair before 50, let alone 500. Me? Still rocking that 30-something look over a decamillennium later.

There is no reason I should still be alive. I’ve outlived my children, their children, and so on. In a smaller empire, this might have led to trouble with them wanting my seat. Here? If they really wanted to rule something, there are more than enough kingdoms. Besides, most of them were perfectly happy not being in charge of such a large empire.

Yes, there was one or two who really seemed to desire the position. Though ironically, it was probably that desire that made it so they couldn’t pass the trial needed to register as an heir. Which might I add, isn’t the reason I’m still alive either.

More than a couple past rulers got preserved until an appropriate heir was found. While not the best father, I didn’t suck at it either and so there was always a handful of heirs kicking around. And yet emperor I remain.

Honestly, after so many years, I should just

“Retire?”

You don’t live so long as an emperor without getting a decent sense of your surroundings. While my family didn’t want me dead, that was true for others and so I had been able to tell they were behind me for a while.

Well, they weren’t really there. Rather, it was some form of scrying magic combined with a bit of illusion to transmit words. After the first year, I had gotten quite curious about what they might want.

I sighed, “That does sound like a nice option. I’ve lived this long, but who knows how much more time I have? Might as well enjoy it.”

The being laughs, “Oh, you have more than enough time! At some point in the past, you managed to reach an important point in development and gained immortality! As long as someone doesn’t destroy your soul, you will end up coming back to life and live forever.”

That doesn’t make much sense as I have done nothing to become immortal. In fact, after the first few thousand years I actively avoided such things. To be told I somehow managed it, anyway? Suffice it to say, I told that being what I thought of the matter.

They laughed, “Not you as in your current life. Rather, at some point, you in a previous life managed it. While you might be immortal, that doesn’t mean you get to keep everything when your current body gets destroyed.

“You must have been pretty damaged though if you can’t remember anything of your past lives. Not that it matters, with each new life your soul will automatically cause your current body to be beyond time’s grasp.”

They seemed to assume that the previous me was in some kind of battle and lost my memories. To be honest? If I was anything like I am now, I probably set it up so I wouldn’t keep them. Even when I just had a thousand years under my belt, things had gotten boring.

The being had kept talking while I had ruminated on the matter. It was honestly stuff I couldn't care less about. That is until something they said caught my ear.

“And it isn’t like you’re the only one who has gotten bored with life. In fact, I have an entire dimension set up as a resort for people like us! Like a retirement home, but for gods!”

I didn’t like that last part because gods are very much real and neither of us are one. You can tell when talking to a deity because their voice is Unique in a way that doesn’t permit others to copy it. Really handy since when they want to get a message across, no one can deny who they are or pretend to be them.

Still, a place where immortals go to retire? That sounded like it might at least be a good vacation spot. So I responded, “That does sound interesting. Though would it be possible to get a bit of a look? Don’t want to jump into something like this without at least some research on the matter.”

I could practically hear the being smile. “Why, of course, that is possible! Let me whip up a few illusions to show you what we have to offer.”

I won’t deny, they were likely the most skilled illusionist that ever was. Not because of what they could show, but because of how they were able to relay reality such that one could tell it was a vision of a real place. Every illusionist and their dog puts so much effort into making their imagination real. Most, however, have a hard time actually duplicating reality.

The first few scenes they showed me were simple natural environments. Well, natural looking. You could tell a master had sculpted them to bear perfection.

A beach with brilliant sand and just the right amount of waves hitting only one part of the beach, leaving the rest perfectly calm. An endless plains where the grass was just the right varieties of green and numerous animals grazed in the distance. A mountain whose peak had a perfect coating of snow and a pine forest that looked both untouched and yet inviting. And many more such wonderful scenes.

Then there were the more civilized spaces. The being explaining the previous views being either short vacation spots and where the beast immortals liked to make their homes. The next lot, however, was clearly for those classic sapients. That didn’t mean just humanoids, but sometimes it seemed like a close thing.

Anyway, the scenes included stuff like a seemingly infinite selection of fields for every sport you could ever imagine. There was a library with a ton of small reading nooks and comfy chairs. Even a giant shopping center where the being claimed everything was free.

However, it was the final section that really caught my attention. They went and showed off their many satisfied customers. Just face after face of people with some of their hobbies being listed and how long they had been there.

Though honestly? That number was mostly pointless. Many of them were listed by how many epochs they had been there. Few if any, seemed to be from current recorded history. Quite surprising given the fact that people living a thousand years isn’t the rarest thing and how I’m not the oldest known person by a long shot. Of course, I didn’t just take their word for it and had the being randomly connect to a few of the shown people for a chat.

The first chat was actually with a group. A bunch of magic users, both recognizable and unknown. They were in the middle of a roleplaying game. A concept I had a passing familiarity with as like with chess and go, people had wanted to mimic the other side of combat. That of the personal scale where one becomes a force all their own instead of just one of many in a group.

Except this wasn’t a normal game they were playing. Most RPGs, even those played by the powerful, used simplifications of reality such as rolling dice to determine outcomes. I’m honestly not even sure if what this group was playing could be called an RPG at this point.

The game master, a dragon I suspect to be larger than the mega-planet my empire is on, was basically simulating reality to an astounding degree. As for the players? Those other casters were controlling miniature homunculi within that simulation.

I had seen mages at the top of what my empire thought possible who weren’t half as capable as these people. And they were only agreed to chat with me because the game was paused while they argued about the spread of a spell one had just used. Not as in whether it would cover five or six meters, but if it would spread one millimeter further or not.

After that, I chatted with a number of people before another stood out. They claimed to be a priestess, yet they didn’t seem too focused on their goddess. Rather, the priestess seemed to spend all her time writing an endless barrage of novels. They were, ahem, about certain relationships. I have nothing against such things of course, but as an emperor I was pre-screened to be into having an empress.

Then to end it, I chatted with the most interesting one of all. They were a lich. My empire had more than a few hanging around. A bit troublesome as the more they are forced to reform their bodies, the less sapient they become until they end up the classic lich caricature.

Anyway, this one was into fishing. It wasn’t even for anything exciting. The fish in one of my “vacation” palaces minor ponds would put up more of a fight. Heavy quotes on vacation there because all it ever meant was filling out paperwork in a different setting. Anyway, the lich might as well have been fishing from a small stream in one of my empire’s agricultural kingdoms.

It was all so impressive and unbelievable, yet I could sense it was all real. Not quite on the level of a deity’s voice, but close.

Then the being asked, “So, would you like to join? We have all the space you could and all the time you would need to unwind!”

It was so tempting! So of course I said no.

The being was not happy with that answer. “What am I missing? My place is as near perfect as it could be! There are infinite ways to spend your time. Yet you choose to keep running an empire? You choose all that paperwork? WHY!?!”

I shrugged and gave a flippant answer. “I’m only a few thousand years old. Why retire from my world when I’ve been stuck behind a desk most of my time? I should at least go out and see my empire before leaving.”

The being sputtered, then tried to cajole me into changing my mind. They offered so many things that it basically proved to me that I did not want anything to do with it. So I activated my castle’s interdiction field, shutting them out.

After that, it only took a century and change to find all of that being’s tricks in the empire. Most were centered in my various accommodations and displayed an astounding breadth of methods. From non-magical solutions to constructs made of pure Mana. Then a quick targeted activation of the world’s interdiction field cleared up everything.

Not that I think they were lying. In fact, I would be willing to bet that everything they claimed was one hundred percent real. While it might have seemed too good to be true, it was real.

So why did I turn the being down? There were three reasons. The first was those three chats I specifically brought up. Each of them had a wrongness about them.

The dragon and mages? They were trapped in their own little false world. Why bother arguing whether a spell would do one thing or another? At least half of them could have perfectly replicated the spell, so what was the point? Sure, a little bit of arguing happens during an rpg, but they had been at that for longer than they should have.

The priestess? You don’t reach that level of power by pushing your deity aside. She had become obsessed with her hobby to the point that if she was a mortal, I would be surprised to find her starved to death over a manuscript.

The lich? Well, that one is actually part of the second reason as well. The being might be powerful, but part of what makes a lich is their unearthly intelligence. So while enjoying themselves and talking about various lures and hooks, the lich warned me away.

Though I’ll leave the warning until after the third reason I said no. It was simple enough. I didn’t trust the being. They had skulked around my empire for decades and around my person for years. That wasn’t the actions of someone coming to offer you a deal.

Not even those selling used carriages act like that. No, what acts like that is a patient hunter, slowly stalking their prey. As I said, while my family isn’t out to kill me, more than enough others are. So over time I have refined my instincts and that being set them off.

As for the warning the lich gave? The whole dimension was a trap. Once you enter, you can’t leave. Not just that, but the place will slowly sap away who you are until no outside force will be able to find you either.

While the lich wasn’t certain what it was for, the being certainly didn’t have any good intent behind the trap. Sure, it gave everything promised, but the cost was a loss of self on a scale I could never accept.

In fact, the only reason the lich was still so cognizant of what was going on was because they were a lich. The dimension was constantly draining their encroaching madness. So while they were certainly changed, the lich preferred an unhealthy fascination with fishing over being a crazed undead monster.

Oh well, maybe I’ll look into retiring after I hit seven digits.