Sonic The Hedgehog (2019): Official Trailer (VIDEO SCRIPT)

*Hands over mouth*

Oh...

(Close up) Oh no...

_______

Readers, the trailer for the American live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie came out this week, and my overall opinions about it is...I don’t know how to feel.

I say that because at times, it looks decent. At other times it looks terrible. And sometimes, depending on the scene in the trailer itself, those two things happen AT THE SAME TIME

Take Sonic himself for example

When his CGI render was initially revealed from the leaked promo art for the movie back when they pictured Chris Pratt for the human lead, he looked...alright.

Like, he’s no Detective Pikachu Pokemon, but he looked how I thought someone would interpret a live-action version of Sonic

So when I saw the final render in the trailer, I was kinda in the boat. ...Until I wasn’t.

/Certain scenes and close-ups with him looked fine, while others just looked.../

Also... Out of all the song choices. Out of...out of all the fucking song choices...

Why...in the living blue fuck did you think Gangster’s Paradise was the right one, Paramount.

/Like, the moment I saw him stretching to the shit/, I was like:

Oh. Oh THIS is gonna be the song for the trailer? WHY???

Like, I wanna meet the white person who made the executive decision to pair Coolio with Sonic the Hedgehog

You’re thinking of a logical explanation as to why it WASN’T a white person responsible for this, aren’t you? Well, unfortunately, I can’t use the “Don’t Worry, I’ll Wait” meme here; I have to move on to my next point. But feel free to leave it in the comments when you come up with one.

Consider it...EXTRA CREDIT for your homework assignment for the day.

Personally, I’m not mad at Paramount deciding to go with James Marsden as opposed to Chris Pratt.

/Or as I like to call him here, Sheriff Cyclops/

I say that first bit, because it doesn’t really take a lot to switch out actors like Pratt with Marsden for a role like this

Especially since “middle-aged white guy who befriends beloved cartoon-slash-video game mascot” has not only been a pretty easy to write trope ever since, like...the first Smurfs movie

But thanks to this movie, he’s now taken the lead in the “white guy befriends animated mascot” Olympic Games, /beating Neil Patrick Harris’s Smurfs franchise by one point./ 

Once more, thank god for Detective Pikachu

Speaking of Smurfs, I was actually shocked to find out that this trailer KINDA (?) revealed that this isn’t a traditional “main character in a cartoon/video game is brought to the real world” storyline.

I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’m ESPECIALLY glad that’s not the case and would prefer it NEVER be the case ever again until the end of time

But the way that we find out that’s not what the plot is here

/is through Jim Carrey’s Dr. Robotnik, who I’m kinda digging, actually./

You watch how he’s introduced into the story in general through some hesitant-ass government officials.

You see his overall look and fashion sense and how small his mustache is

You see that this is a Robotnik and Sonic that don’t know each other just from how they deliver lines

/And then you see the final scene in the trailer in his traditional look; bald head and everything/

Only once I was able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, was when I entered the state of mind during the opening of this video.

*Hands over mouth*

Oh... Oh no. It’s an origin movie. It’s a Sonic The Hedgehog...ORIGIN MOVIE

Now do you understand why I don’t know how to feel about this trailer, Readers?

Whereas this gif from Curb Your Enthusiasm is me during situations like this, I have to say that I was the EPITOME of the bitch after I watched it.

I don’t know if I gotta go FAST in regards to seeing this...

But I do know one thing... (looks at computer, then at camera) I-I gotta go...