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🍅 WAYWARD TOMATO CORPS™ - SURVIVORS OF THE SPECIAL TRAINING POLYTUNNEL

Added 2025-07-26 18:17:14 +0000 UTC

Dearest Henchcuties,

I am astonished to report that today’s graduating classes from the Special Training Polytunnel are still alive.

I know. I’m shocked too.

Behold them. Aren’t they smug? Look at their shiny little faces. Practically glowing with lycopene-soaked arrogance. Do not be fooled. They are on borrowed time.

Their survival is, admittedly, due in large part to my own trauma, specifically, the Bumblebee Incident, wherein I was pursued by a rather large and frighteningly determined bee while attempting to harvest the Corps. As I am allergic, I reacted with the calm and dignity befitting a League officer of my station.

Which is to say, I screamed, dropped my golden murder scissors, climbed a fence, and declared I was going to write a will on a Post-it. It was a moment.

That said, the reprieve for these glossy recruits is temporary.

The first will fall at approximately 11pm, when I remember to eat breakfast.
I do not operate on a normal schedule. Do not ask. I am the League’s problem now.

So. Take one last look at these precious operatives. Their time is short, their skins are firm, and their future is... balsamic.

Yours in inconvenient mealtimes and flailing dignity,
Wayward
Supreme Overlord of Adorable Chaos, Mother of Tomatoes (on and off), High Duchess of Questionable Harvesting Techniques

P.S.
The one at the bottom is me in tomato form. The variety is called Princess of Gothic, which feels pointedly accurate. She is always armed with something sharp (pointy end), refuses to ripen on anyone else’s schedule, and will absolutely win the stare-down. We are the same.