Something I found jotted down in an old notebook of mine (dated 2010)

"Elan School Breakdown"

No music,
no books,
no pen and pencil,
no magazines,
no TV,
no privacy,
no exit to the outside,
no choice of food,
no choice of schedule,
no freedom to use the bathroom
unattended,
no decisions made
at your own discretion,
constant brainwashing,
other students constantly having nervous breakdowns,
constant noise,
constant announcements being made,
constantly counted,
constantly put into a line,
constant bickering,
arguing,
cleaning,
dusting,
moving,
scrubbing,
always running,
never late,
never early,
everything scheduled,
hour by hour,
minute by minute,
minutes to eat,
minutes to pee,
minutes to shit,
minutes to shower,
minutes to brush your teeth,
minutes to shave,
you had to shave,
no facial hair,
shave everyday,
you have a bar of soap,
you are not trusted
with the shampoo
and conditioner,
the shaving cream,
and especially not the razors,
you have no access to a phone,
no access to a smoke,
no access to a lighter,
to fire,
no access to your own jacket,
your own clothes,
you own nothing,
everything you ‘own’ fits into a 2x1 foot box,
you move your ‘box’ every week to a new dorm,
with new people,
new attitudes,
you are never in control,
you learn a new vocabulary,
hear words and phrases you have never heard,
you see things that cannot be real
and they become normal,
you are told they are normal
and eventually you start to tell other people that they are normal,
you begin to talk like them,
you begin to find different things funny,
you are part of the program,
you are in charge of things,
you are rewarded with small freedoms,
token acts of kindness,
you scream at other residents
because they tell you to,
you tackle other residents
because you are in charge of security,
you put other students into restraints
because it is your job,
you have responsibility,
you are rewarded for your responsibility,
that is why you put other students into ‘the corner’,
into isolation,
into a chair
for hours at a time,
if they move
you put them back physically,
if they try to get free
then you tackle them,
you take out your restraints
and call for back-up,
other kids come to help you,
you all do your job,
nobody likes it,
you get spit at,
you get hit,
you get scratched,
you get piss thrown at you,
sexual juices hurled at you,
get sworn at,
told you are going to be killed,
murdered,
abused,
you get angry,
you work long shifts,
you work the night-shift
because you are trusted
and because you have to,
you have to do what staff tells you,
you have to do what the other kids tell you
if they are in a higher position,
you get screamed at
daily,
hourly,
bi-hourly,
tri-hourly,
you see a GM
or three that day,
you go to a group
and get screamed at,
you scream back,
it is all part of the ritual,
you eat,
you are dragged
from zone to zone
to room to room
to person to person,
staff to staff,
up the stairs,
down the stairs,
clean the stairs,
clean your mind,
don't think about ‘out there’,
think about Elan,
listen to your superiors,
or you will be a screw-up,
you will be a loser,
you will lose in life,
you can only win with The Elan School,
only Elan knows what is best,
Elan can teach you
to be a millionaire,
a success story,
a perfect person
with no guilt,
guilt is bad,
are you guilty?