"Texting with... July" pt. 1

I'm waiting in line to order coffee when I get a text from July.

July: Hey! What's up?

You: Not much. Just waiting to order a coffee.

July: Oh, perfect!

July: I'll take a Cinnamon Dolce Latte with a shot of espresso.

July: (I am totally kidding, please don't actually bring me a coffee, haha!).

You: Damn, I was going to hit you with a $30 delivery charge.

July: That's how they get you.

July: That delivery charge would probably be a lot higher if I told you where I was.

You: Where are you?

July: Oh my god, I have stories.

You: You do?

July: Yes, the juiciest ones.

You: Do tell.

July: Well, Steve, from work, the guy who usually covers the big Erotic Entertainment Expo in Atlantic City, was injured in a really bad fleshlight accident.

You: Oh god. That sounds horrible!

July: I know. Thankfully he was wearing that jumpsuit, the burns could have been a lot worse.

July: But, that means they needed someone else to cover the expo last minute…

You: That does sound juicy.

You: Moist even.

July: Ew. I can't even look at that word.

You: Lol.

July: I'm sorry, do you want me to update you on my journey through the super depraved at the horniest event on the east coast?

You: When you're right, you're right. I'm all ears.

July: Good.

July: But yeah, I just got to the convention center. I've never seen so much skin in my life!

July: Just setting foot inside was like walking into the horniest episode of the Twilight Zone you've ever seen.

You: Start from the top, I want every lured detail.

July: Haha, somehow I knew this would capture your attention.

July: Anyway, I got here early to try and beat some of the crowds.

July: But even at 7:00AM, the place was like a strip club at 1:00AM on a Saturday!

You: How do you know what a strip club is like at 1:00AM on a weekend?

July: Lets stay on topic please.

July: So I arrive and check in. And even the girl at the check in desk was topless.

You: What are we talking about here? B-cup? C-cup?

July: You're an animal.

July: ... But they were a very perky C-cup if I had to guess.

July: Very helpful too!

July: But now I'm sitting here, and I realize, I have no idea where to go or what to do!?

July: I don't even have Steve's notes! And I'd call him but his jaw is still wired shut!

You: So wait, the perviest guy you know was incapacitated, so you're now referring to the second horniest guy you know?

July: Nooo! I wasn't implying you were horny!

You: Good.

You: So does this place have, like, a jello wrestling tournament? Or some gal doing tricks with a pingpong ball?

July: Oh god.

You: Haha.

You: Still getting your feet wet in the industry?

July: Clearly a little bit! I just need a minute to get my bearings here.

You: Sounds like there are a lot of things you need to see go in a lot of holes.

July: Is it going to be like this the entire time with you? Can you be mature for one minute?

You: I'm trying, I really am.

July: Oh god, some guy just walked by and asked if there were any men in my life that could use a cock ring.

July: He was very aggressively showing me some of the “floor models”.

July: Can I get you something in black? It could be slimming.

You: Ew.

July: Really, he made some good points. Men don't accessorize enough.

July: Just let me know what size you are. 😘

You: Gosh, now you're making me self conscious. Especially with all the donuts I've been eating lately.

You: I can't even look at myself in the mirror at the moment.

You: Did he say what colors he thought would be in fashion this fall?

July: Oh my god, I'm dying right now. 😂

July: Texting you was a bad idea. Now I'm going to be distracted all day telling you everything.

You: Are you waiting for me to tell you to stop telling me about the porno expo and get back to work?

You: The only thing remotely provocative in this coffee shop is a very suggestive plant pot.

July: Lol. Suggestive how?

You: It's aggressively curvacious for a piece of pottery.

You: I might have to bring it up with the manager. It's starting to make me feel unsafe.

July: Awww, poor baby.

You: Don't patronize, me you wench.

July: lol. No one has ever called me a “wench” before.

July: God, this place is HUGE! I can't believe there are so many booths here!

July: Haha, oh I was NOT prepared for this!

July: I suddenly wish I were pervier.

July: Come here and save me.

You: Don't tease me with a good time.

July: You know, I'm kind of shocked at just how many women are here… and some of the things they are wearing...

July: I might have to reevaluate on which sex is pervier.

You: You're really going to have to start sending pictures to go with these texts.

July: Oh, do I? 😘

July: But seriously, I feel like a traveler lost in a strange land, here.

July: I need to buckle down and get to work and stop texting with boys all day.

You: You're right. Get to some of those hard-hitting dildo questions.

July: The expo is split into different wings based off of subject, I just need to pick a wing to go check out.

You: Okay, so what are the options close by?

July: Well there's a whole wing that's just on Striptease...

July: ...A section for Adult Toys...

July: ... And a section for kinks.