Caption Pic: Princess Wars Game Review

I just saw this pic around and got that thought to write a fake review. Going into full on rules and such felt needless, but thought it would have some fun bits to a broad "I remember when" discussion. Sort of in the BSing vein of the fake anime podcast we did before the miss got bored of it. Just a more mechanically in-depth dating sim, I suppose. 

I recently dug up this old one, and I never knew how much of a blast this game was. There’s the basic puzzle game, of course, but that’s not what everyone remembers from it. As the player, you’re the only properly royal prince in the area, both Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom begin competing for your attention to marry off their princesses (Zelda and Peach respectively). Depending how you go about it, there’s a number of fetishes it can cater to, so I’d say it’s worth a look for any kinky gamer.

On the one hand, you can go the easy way and pick one side early on. It more or less cuts you off from the other while you spend your time courting, charming and fucking the other. Zelda tends to be the more formal of the two, insisting she’s more independent and keeping up courtly airs. I suppose it’s for the fans of tsundere, as she’ll still do things like offer quickies to calm you before having guests over or ride you while insisting it’s for the means of creating a future prince. She warms up over time until she’s the loudest and most passionate lover you can want (easiest if you run the path of finding out that she’s leading her double life as Sheik and don’t tell anyone).

The other route goes through Peach, who’s a bit more ditzy and complacent. Her royal hotness plays up the absent minded blonde at first, despite having a tough side that comes out in some scenes. She’s initially easier to win over than Zelda, but takes more work to get her into the dirtier stuff. Your standard “missionary holding hands sex for procreation” takes minimal effort, but you have to go the extra mile for things like anal, exhibitionism, or getting the especially vulgar dialogue out of her. 

The biggest challenge and reward comes from the paths where you choose both. It's one thing to charm both girls and draw them into a threesome. It takes a real player (or just a good walkthrough) to have both ladies fighting over your cock. Nothing quite as satisfying as having a busty blonde and a regal tomboy pushing each other out of the way to get first dibs on blowjobs. I find a Mask of Servitude is handy for when their lust meters get out of control and they're about ready to go to war over who you plow first.

Princess Wars was a franchise I think they really missed out on. I’m hoping that Nintendo picks it back up and starts making more sequels. I’d love to see Rosalina, Midna, Fire Emblem’s Camilla… they’ve got all sorts out there to use. They could use a better story, but really, I’d buy it anyway if they didn’t.